


crash & burn

by splendidlyimperfect



Series: the only hope for me is you [1]
Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Child Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Families of Choice, Family, Fluff and Angst, Foster Care, Friends to Lovers, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Tumblr: FTLGBTales
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-08
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2019-01-27 03:38:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 90,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12572900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/splendidlyimperfect/pseuds/splendidlyimperfect
Summary: Gray's therapist makes him attend an extracurricular "creative expression" program for troubled youth. His plan is to get through it without complications, but he meets a pink-haired, tattooed boy that has "complication" written all over him.





	1. black balloon

**Author's Note:**

> Title from 'crash & burn' by Savage Garden
> 
> CW for mental illness, self-harm, abuse, PTSD  
> Please read trigger warnings at the beginning of each chapter!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gray starts his program and is unhappy about it. Natsu finds Gray intriguing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for strong language and homophobic slurs

_you know the lies they always told you_  
_and the love you never knew_  
_what's the things they never showed you_  
_that swallowed the light from the sun_  
\- Goo Goo Dolls, "Black Balloon"

 

“Those things are gonna kill you, y’know.”  

Gray flicked his cigarette and watched the ash tumble to the ground before he looked over at the pink-haired boy leaning against the brick wall next to him. 

“The fuck do you care?” Gray took a another drag, relishing in the burning feeling and the taste of ash behind his teeth. He kicked a rock away from him, toward the boy, and scowled. 

“Just seems like a stupid habit,” the boy replied. He flashed Gray a grin, then caught his lip ring between his teeth. Gray rolled his eyes.  

“Fuck off and keep your opinions to yourself,” he muttered, inhaling once more and then throwing the butt to the ground, grinding it out beneath the toe of his sneakers. He pulled his phone from his pocket and glanced at the time.  

“You here for the group too?” The boy, seemingly unperturbed by Gray's rudeness, leaned back against the wall. Gray turned and took a better look at him. Torn jeans, wild pink hair, eyebrow piercing, black hoodie. This guy was ridiculously attractive. Not that it mattered.  

“Maybe,” Gray replied. He knew he was being difficult, but he didn’t care. All he wanted was to go home, take a couple painkillers, then pass out on his couch. His shoulder was already killing him and it wasn't even lunchtime. 

“Natsu.” The boy stuck out his hand and Gray looked at it contemptuously.  

“Bless you,” he deadpanned, and the boy actually laughed, withdrawing the hand and running it through his hair.  

“Well, I guess I’ll see you in there.” Natsu grinned, swinging his backpack over his shoulder and tossing Gray a wave as he slipped into the building.  

Gray sighed, rubbing his face and wishing he had enough time for another cigarette. As loathe as he was to admit it, the boy – Natsu – was right. He really should quit, but it was a coping mechanism, and  _healthy_ coping mechanisms were for…well, other people. Which is precisely the reason his sister and his therapist had suggested – rather forcefully – that Gray attend this program. Therapy  _and_ enough credits to finally finish high school. Yay. 

He shoved his hands in his back pockets and toed the door of the youth center open, sidling inside and glancing around. It was actually a pretty nice place, but he was bitter. He should be long finished with this shit. Fucking Lyon. His hands tensed at the though of his brother – no, that man had no relation to him anymore. He could rot in prison for all Gray cared.  

_Here goes_ , he thought, ducking into the common room as quietly as possible. It was a large, sunny area, populated with couches and – were those bean bag chairs? What kind of hippie shit was this? A couple kids were already here – Natsu was sitting next to a blonde girl with dark circles under her eyes. And in the far corner was –  

“Gajeel,” he growled, and the dark-haired boy looked up, sneering at Gray. Piercings decorated almost every inch of his face, and he even had microdermals down his arms, which gave Gray the creeps.  

“The fuck are you doin’ here?” Gajeel growled, standing up to his full height – which was unfortunately at least six inches taller than Gray. He crossed his arms in front of his chest. “How’s your  _brother_ doin’?”  

“He’s not my brother,” Gray snarled, ignoring Gajeel’s threatening stance and hopping up on the windowsill ledge. “He’s just another fuckwit who screwed up my life.” He could see that Natsu and the girl were staring at them now, and forced himself to avoid eye contact.  

“What’re you lookin’ at, fag?” Gajeel rounded on Natsu and sneered at him, and Gray didn’t miss the flinch that crossed the pink-haired boy’s face. The blonde girl looked furious, but stayed quiet.  

“The fuck, man?” The words left Gray’s mouth before he could stop them, and Natsu looked at him in surprise. Gajeel’s head whipped back to Gray as well, his lip curled in snarl.  

“Oh what, you a fuckin’ homo too?” Gray rolled his eyes, ensuring that he conveyed the maximum amount of contempt for the pierced boy.  

“Is that seriously the best you can do?” He drawled, avoiding the question. He raised one eyebrow and forced himself to look bored. “Gay jokes? That’s pathetic.”  

“I’ll show you path—” Gajeel’s snarl was interrupted by a sweet, high voice entering the room.  

“Good afternoon, everyone!” They all turned to see a tall woman with silvery-white hair and a clipboard clutched to her chest. She smiled widely at the four of them, ignoring the obvious tension, then made her way to a beanbag chair near the window. “We’re just going to wait a few minutes for the rest of the group to show up and then we’ll get started. Feel free to sit anywhere you’d like!”  

“This isn’t over,” Gajeel whispered fiercely, glaring at Gray.  

“You can’t touch me, asshole,” Gray replied, crossing his arms and leaning back against the window. “You gotta pass this so you probation officer will let you get back to your  _girl_ , right?” Gajeel’s face twisted in fury, but Gray noticed he didn’t step closer.  

“Ah, fuck you,” Gajeel grumbled finally, moving back to his corner of the room and slumping into a chair. 

Gray breathed a silent sigh of relief, closing his eyes and tipping his head back against the wall. It wasn’t that he cared if people knew he fucked guys. People could think whatever the hell they wanted. He just wanted to make it through this stupid program with as little trouble as possible, get his credits, and get his goddamn high school diploma. And Gajeel, as Gray had realized several years ago, liked to complicate things.  

Natsu, apparently, was going to be another complication. Gray sighed. He wouldn't necessarily say he had a  _type_ of boy that he liked – the handful he's been with weren't the kind you would bring home to your parents (not that he had those, either). But if he  _did_ have a type, Natsu would be it. Plus, Gajeel was an idiot, but he probably wasn't wrong about Natsu being gay. So much for not making any attachments here.  _Goddamnit_.  

He opened his eyes, and realized that a few other students had entered the room and flopped down on the beanbag chairs. A tall, intimidating looking girl with a sleeve tattoo, almost as many piercings as Gajeel, and bright red hair shaved down the left side sat on the other side of Natsu, talking to him animatedly about some concert. A blonde boy who looked several years older than everyone here was scowling at them from near the door, and a thin girl with brown hair and a bored expression was nestled a safe distance away from everyone else.   

“All right, looks like we’re all here.” Twisting her silver hair up into a bun, the woman by the window stood up, leaning against the sill. She glanced over her clipboard, then smiled at the room. “Welcome to Creative Expressions. My name is Miss Strauss, but you can call me Mira if you’d like. Now, I’m not naïve – I know that you aren’t all here by choice – but I do expect everyone to behave. If you all show up to each class and follow the rules, you’ll all get your credits and we’ll all be happy.” Gray arched an eyebrow.   

“The program will run daily for the next eight weeks, with the exception of Winter Break. I expect you to be here for each class unless you run it by me ahead of time.” Mira brushed her hair out of her face and looked around at each of the teens. “I know we all have things going on in our lives, and I am sympathetic to those issues. I am happy to work out alternative solutions if you are willing to cooperate with me.”  

Nobody said anything, but Gray noticed that nobody was grumbling or glaring either. Well, except Gajeel, but Gray was pretty sure that was just what his face looked like. 

“We’re going to be exploring various types of creative methods as a form of therapy. Some examples might be painting, writing poetry, playing music, and sculpting. Each week we’ll be exploring a different theme.” She shuffled the papers on her clipboard until she found what looked like a list of names. “I’m going to ask you to go around and give me your name, and tell us one interesting thing about yourself. If you’re not comfortable sharing, feel free to pass.” She pointed at the brown-haired girl to begin.  

“I’m Cana,” the girl said, smacking a wad of bubblegum between her teeth. “I, uh, read tarot cards.” Mira nodded, then turned to the blonde boy.  

“Laxus,” he grunted. “Pass.” And then it was Gray’s turn. He felt his stomach twist a bit as everyone turned to look at him. For some reason, he found himself staring directly at Natsu, who grinned at him. Why did he feel so warm all of a sudden?  

“I'm, uh, Gray,” he muttered. What was something interesting about him? He could just pass, but for some reason he felt the need to say something. “I, uh, I play the piano.” Natsu broke into an enormous smile that made Gray’s stomach feel funny in a not-unpleasant way.  

“Music is a beautiful form of self-expression,” Mira said, smiling at Gray. He didn’t reciprocate, but didn’t scowl at her either. “And what about yourself?” She gestured to Gajeel.  

“Gajeel. I got thirty seven piercings.” Gray rolled his eyes – as if that was interesting  _or_ something to be proud of.  

“I’m Erza,” the redhead with the sleeve tattoo said. “I have my black belt in karate and I play the drums.” She flashed Gray a grin as she said it, and he frowned at her uncertainly. She seemed familiar. 

The blonde-haired girl went next, and Gray noticed Natsu nudging her encouragingly. Were they an item? That would make life slightly less complicated – then he could just moon over the pink-haired boy from a distance. 

“My name is Lucy,” she said softly, playing with the hem of her shirt. “I have a…a son named Kaden, he’s six months old.” Gray blinked – she looked like she couldn’t be older than sixteen. Then again, everyone here was making up high school credits for different reasons.  

“That’s wonderful!” Mira smiled sweetly at Lucy. “If you have any pictures of him, I’d love to see them later. I love babies!” Lucy looked encouraged, and nodded.  

Natsu was last, and to Gray’s surprise, he seemed rather apprehensive about it. He pulled the sleeves of his sweatshirt down over his hands and looked at the floor as he talked. 

“I’m Natsu. My name's Japanese, it means  _summer_. Which is my least favorite season so I guess that’s kinda interesting.” 

_Mine too_ , thought Gray, then told his internal monologue to shut the hell up.  

“Well, I’m happy to meet everyone!” Mira placed her clipboard on the counter behind her, then turned to the group and gazed at them seriously. “Now, I know you’ve all been through things that are difficult, or traumatic, or scary.” Nobody moved. “When we write, or paint, or make music about those things, it can bring up a lot of emotions. If you feel overwhelmed by any project we work on, please come and speak to me. Feel free to step into another room and take care of yourself. You need to walk the line between challenging yourself and pushing yourself too hard.”  

Gray groaned internally. Why did everyone want him to talk about his feelings? He knew what he felt. Angry, betrayed, bitter, and in constant pain. No amount of  _painting_ was going to change that. Even Lyon being sentenced to twenty-five years in prison didn't change that. He was beginning to think the anger was going to be a permanent fixture in his life. 

"We're going to start off today with a personal journaling exercise. I'm going to give two prompts, and I'd like you to write down your responses. When everyone is finished, we'll share our answers." At this, Laxus snorted, but Mira just smiled in response. "I know that sometimes it's difficult to speak up in these kinds of settings, so you will have the option to pass twice per week. Other than that, participation is expected, unless we discuss it ahead of time." Mira moved up to a whiteboard at the front of the and began writing.  

Gray sighed and dragged his notebook out of his backpack, wincing as the movement aggravated his shoulder. Sitting up here wasn't great for his side either - the pain was starting to radiate down his leg. But the only spot was next to the redhead... 

"Wait,  _Scarlet?"_ He slipped down from the windowsill and dropped into the seat closest to her, on the other side of Natsu. Erza grinned at Gray.  

"Finally recognized me, huh?" Gray blinked a few times.  

"Well I wasn't...expecting to...and your hair...and you changed your name…wait, how do  _you_ two know each other?" He looked over at Natsu, who seemed puzzled.  

"How do  _you_  two know each other?" Natsu replied, chewing on the end of his pen. Gray felt his face flush. He had met Erza years ago, when she went by 'Scarlet'. She had been dating Jellal and he had been involved with Lyon's group of friends. Which wasn't something he wanted to talk about with this uncomfortably attractive guy he barely knew.   

"Old friends," Erza interrupted easily, smiling at Gray as the discomfort disappeared from his face. He thanked her silently. "And Natsu and I have a...well, I wouldn't call it a band, but the beginning of a band." Gray noticed the battered guitar case resting on the floor beside Natsu's chair.   

"That's why I was stoked when you said you could play the piano!" The enthusiasm in Natsu's voice was contagious, and Gray found himself half-smiling. "You could totally come jam with us after group! They've got a piano here and everything."  

"I...well..." Gray stammered, realizing suddenly that he was doing exactly what he said he wasn't going to do, which was make friends. "I can't stick around today." It wasn't untrue. His meds were at home, and if he was in this much pain now, he wasn't even sure he could handle the rest of the group. Natsu looked disappointed, and before Gray could think, he added, "How about tomorrow?" The smile he got was like looking into the sun.  _Fuck._  

"Alright everyone!" Mira clapped her hands to get everyone's attention, and Gray glanced up at the board. Several sentences were written in a neat, cursive font.  

_What I really want is..._  
_What I really need is..._

Gray sighed as everyone shifted uncomfortably, then leaned over their journals and began to write.  


	2. shimmer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natsu has a new fascination, Gajeel is kind of a dick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for homophobic slurs
> 
> Also, here's a fun game you can play while you read this - guess my age based on the ridiculous song lyrics I use. :P

_she says that love is for fools who fall behind_  
_and i'm somewhere in between_  
_i never really know a killer from a saviour_    
\- Fuel, "Shimmer"

 

 _What I really want is…_  
_What I really need is..._  
  


Natsu chewed the end of his pen and stared at the neatly printed words on the whiteboard, tapping his foot against his chair. Lucy kicked his shin and he stopped, pouting. He stole a covert glance over at Gray, who was frowning and scrawling something in his notebook.

 _What I really want is this hot guy’s phone number_ , he wrote, grinning. _And maybe a date where I can get him to smile_. He paused, realizing that this probably wasn’t the goal of the exercise. He doodled in the margin, trying to come up with a real answer. _What I really want is somewhere not-shitty to spend Christmas this year,_  he thought. _I wish Lucy’s dad would still let me come over._

Something twisted in his chest as he remembered Lucy’s face, looking crestfallen as she told him that her father didn’t think he was safe to be around Kaden anymore. He shook the memory away, tapping his pen against the back of his hand.

 _What I really need is…a new home. Also probably my meds but I can’t afford them so maybe money I guess. Don won’t pay for them cause he says its not a real disease and I’m just being a drama queen but honestly if anyone is a drama queen it’s him._ He popped the end of the pen back into his mouth, shifting in his seat until Gray turned and glared at him. It seemed like a half-hearted glare, but still.

 _A better attention span would be great too but that’s part of the meds thing too cause I think I’m manic. Actually I know I’m manic. I dunno what I’m gonna do when I crash. I haven’t really slept in like a week._ Natsu sighed, drumming his fingers on the edge of his notebook. He hated writing. It took so long to get the words on paper and they flowed so much faster in his head.

He looked up again, trying not to be obvious about staring at Gray. The dark-haired boy was curled up in the beanbag chair, long legs folded awkwardly beneath him, long fingers curled around his pen. Natsu could almost see what Gray was writing from here, but he didn’t want to risk the other boy’s wrath. A soft, pained noise from Gray made Natsu frown, and he noticed the dark-haired boy wince and grab his shoulder. He considered asking if he was okay, but had a feeling it wouldn’t be well received.

Something about Gray…appealed to him. Even though he smoked, and glared, and was kind of a jackass, Natsu wanted to peel back the layers and get to know him better. The fact that he’d moved over to sit with them was an encouraging start, even it _was_ only to talk to Erza. And that whole thing about them being old friends was bullshit because Natsu had been going to school with Erza since kindergarten and he’d never heard about or seen Gray before in his life. He would have remembered those eyes.

“Pay attention, dumbass.” Those eyes were currently glaring at him as Gray kicked his ankle, forcing Natsu to snap out of his daydream and pay attention to Mira. He flashed Gray a small smile, and Gray didn’t scowl back. Small victories.

“Laxus, would you please start us off?” Mira seemed unfazed by the glare decorating the blonde-haired boy’s face, and Natsu could tell that Laxus was trying to weigh whether or not this was the assignment he should pass on. After a moment he sighed, then stared down at his notebook.

“What I really want,” he said gruffly, “is to not be here.” Cana giggled, but Laxus’ face remained serious. “I want to be out with my friends instead of here in this stupid program.” Mira didn’t react, but he still glanced up at her and murmured, “Sorry.”

“All feelings are valid,” she replied, “even the angry ones. You need to allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you’re feeling, and accept it for what it is.” Laxus grunted, and Mira gestured for him to continue.

“What I really need is…” he faltered. “What I really need is to go live with Gramps instead of my dad.” He looked like he might elaborate, but instead slammed his notebook shut. Mira smiled widely at him.

“Thank you, Laxus,” she praised. “I know how difficult it is to share those kinds of things with strangers.” He nodded tersely, and Mira turned to Gajeel, who rolled his eyes and gestured to pass. Mira nodded respectfully, then looked at Cana.

“What I really want right now is a drink,” she admitted honestly. Natsu peered at her, noticed her shaking hands and the way she was licking her lips. “What I really need is to find a healthier way of dealing with shit.” That brought a wide, empathetic smile to Mira’s face. Now it was Erza’s turn.

“What I really want is to be playing music and ignoring my responsibilities.” That got a laugh out of a few people. “What I really need is to learn how to set better boundaries.”

“What I really want is to go home to Kaden,” Lucy almost-whispered. “What I need is to be more assertive with my dad.”

Natsu realized he was going to be last again – it was Gray’s turn now, and he was staring at his notebook with a kind of angry intensity that Natsu recognized very well. Pain still seemed to be present on his face, and he was chewing his lip.

“Wh-what I really want,” he began, his voice quiet, “is for people to stop fucking asking me if I’m okay.” A murmur of assent rolled through everyone in the room, Natsu included. It _was_ getting old. “What I really need…” Gray reached up and ran a hand through his hair, and Natsu felt like he might swoon. Was that a thing that guys did? Or was it only girls that could swoon? Cause he’d seen this movie once – “What I really need is to let my sister help me.” Natsu blinked. Gray had a sister? Of course he did, people had siblings all the time, this really _wasn’t the sort of thing to get worked up about, Jesus Christ brain, shut the fuck up._

Oh shit. Now it was his turn, and he had written about wanting Gray’s phone number which _probably_ wasn’t the best thing to admit out loud in this class.

“Uh…what I, um, really want…” He tapped his fingers against the palm of his hand nervously. “Is, um…for people to trust me.” Natsu frowned at himself, surprised at the admission. He refused to look up, because he know that Lucy’s face would be full of guilt, and he didn’t think he could handle that right now. “What I need is…” There was no way he was admitting the meds thing out loud. What could he say that wouldn’t make Gray think he was crazy? I mean, to be fair, he _was_ crazy. And as soon as Gray found out about the brain-thing and the darkness, he’d be long gone. Not that he was going to stick around anyway. Still. “Um, a good night’s sleep. I haven’t really been sleeping well lately.”

A roaring sound filled Natsu’s ears as his face flushed with embarrassment, and he didn’t hear Mira’s response or what she said next. He was too busy biting his fingernails and trying not to look at Gray. Natsu didn’t think he could handle those eyes.

As it turned out, Mira was asking them to head to the creative arts room, which was an enormous, sunny room with one wall that was almost entirely windows. Gray hopped up onto the windowsill almost immediately, which disappointed Natsu. He sat himself at a table as close to Gray as possible, and was surprised to see that the dark-haired boy didn’t look irritated. Maybe vaguely amused.

“The topic of this week is going to be resilience,” Mira was saying, writing the word on the flip chart at the front of the classroom. “Does anyone know what that means?” A predictable silence filled the room. “In the world of mental health, ‘resilience’ refers to the ability to adapt well in the face of adversity, trauma, or significant sources of stress.” She began to jot some of those words down on the board.

Natsu slipped a hand into his backpack and tugged out his sketchbook. It was one of the only nice things he owned – a heavy leather cover and a hundred thick pages to write and draw on. He grabbed two of his pencils, tucked one in his teeth, and used the other to start sketching Gray.

“I’m going to describe a scenario, and then we’re going to do an activity together.” Mira’s voice continued in the background, but Natsu was focused on the sharp lines of Gray’s jaw, the soft curve of his shoulder, the angle of his knees against his chest. He knew Lucy – who had ended up sitting behind him – could probably see what he was doing, but he didn’t care. She knew he was gay, and if she couldn’t see that Gray was attractive, then she was obviously blind.

“I want you all to close your eyes and picture yourself, lost at sea on a stormy night.” Natsu snorted quietly, fairly certain that his psychiatrist had done this exercise with him, unsuccessfully. “You see a glimmer of light leading you to land. If you row hard, you will make it. Someone waits for you with a warm meal, dry clothes, and a place to rest.” Glancing up from where he had erased parts of his drawing, Natsu was taken aback by how open Gray’s face was with his eyes closed. He quickly sketched it, tracing the soft line of his eyelashes and the gentle frown resting between his eyes.

And then Gray’s eyes opened, and he was staring directly at Natsu. The frown deepened a bit, but it wasn’t anger on his face, merely curiosity. Natsu felt something begin to bubble deep in his stomach, and a blush began to creep up into his cheeks. He bit his lip ring nervously, refusing to be the one to drop eye contact.

“You’re sketching it, then?” Gray finally spoke, and Natsu jolted into the present, sound around him tumbling back like he was coming up from underwater. He blinked at Gray for a moment, then glanced around and realized that the other students were grabbing art supplies. He looked down at his half-finished sketch of Gray and felt his blush deepening.

“Uh…yeah. Sketch. Is what I like…to do.” _Jesus Christ, that was smooth._ Gray raised an eyebrow at him, hopping down from the ledge and causing Natsu to turn to a blank page faster than he thought was humanly possible. He glanced around the class again, hoping to get some clue as to what it was they were supposed to be doing. He didn’t want to admit that he missed the instructions because he was distracted by Gray’s eyelashes.

“Natsu, give me some of your artistic ability.” Erza flopped down beside Natsu, breaking the awkward tension and giving Natsu room to breathe again. He turned to stare at the redhead. “I don’t even know what the hell a lighthouse looks like.” Lighthouse. Right. _That_ he could handle.

 

* * *

 

Lucy waved to Natsu as she took off across the parking lot toward her father’s car, and Natsu felt an ache blooming in his chest. Kaden was in there, probably, and Natsu wasn’t allowed to see him anymore. Thinking about it made a fire grow over the ache. He had been there when Lucy found out she was pregnant, when she’d broken up with her dumbass boyfriend Loke, even when she went into labor. He had held Kaden when he was only hours old, sitting in the hospital next to Lucy, on the phone with her father who was in Singapore for a business trip.

Before the…darkness came along, he had been a major fixture in Kaden’s life. “Uncle Natsu” had been the best role he’d ever played, and now it had been a month without even seeing Kaden. He sighed, kicking at the rocks in the parking lot and checking his phone. He had already missed the bus, but it wasn’t a particularly cold night tonight, and he considered just sleeping in the park. He wasn’t even that hungry, and it’s not like he was going to sleep anyway.

“Hey, fag.” A hard shove between his shoulder blades sent him tumbling onto the ground, palms stinging as they scraped across the asphalt. Natsu staggered back onto his feet, turning and glaring at Gajeel.

“The fuck do you want?” Natsu growled. Gajeel just sneered at him, arms crossed against his chest.

“Heard you got some pills you might wanna sell.” Natsu’s heart almost stopped. How the hell had Gajeel found out about that? The ones he'd stolen from Don were long gone, but he still had a small container of Ativan in his bag – six pills, that he had been keeping for emergencies. He suddenly felt very self-conscious of the quiet rattling in his backpack.

“Maybe you’d better get your ears checked, moron.” His voice came out braver than he’d felt, and Gajeel snarled at him.

“Hey, I was gonna pay, but if you’re gonna be a bitch about then it I might just have to take ‘em.” The _much_ taller boy stalked over to Natsu and grabbed at his backpack. Natsu snarled and dodged out of the way, but Gajeel was stronger and managed to pin him up against the wall of the youth center. A squeak escaped Natsu’s mouth as Gajeel grabbed him and lifted him up off the ground.

“You never learn, huh?” A bored-sounding voice caused Gajeel to turn away long enough for Natsu to bite his hand. The taller boy swore, pushing Natsu to the ground by his throat. Gray stood behind Gajeel, arms crossed over his chest, sneer on his face. Natsu was glad it wasn’t directed at him.

“You just think you’re so much fuckin’ better than us ‘cause you left,” Gajeel growled, ignoring Natsu completely now. “Maybe Lyon should’a—”

Before he could finish his sentence, a fist was flying directly into his face, knocking him backward and down onto the ground. Blood poured from his nose, and he started swearing around it.

“Don’t you _ever_ talk about that prick to me again,” Gray snarled, fist still bunched and slightly bloody. “Or I will do _much, much_ worse than break your goddamn nose.” Gajeel tried to say something, and Gray stalked over to him and pressed a foot into the pierced man’s sternum, enough to make him swear even harder. “Who do you think they’ll believe?”

“Fuck…you,” Gajeel snarled. Gray inched his sneaker up higher, toward Gajeel’s throat, and leaned over him, almost conversationally.

“Natsu, was I acting in self-defence?” Natsu blinked for a second before he realized that the question was directed at him. He hesitated for a second, but realized that he would definitely rather be on Gray’s good side than Gajeel’s.

“Yes,” he said, standing up slowly and dusting off his bag.

“Look at that,” Gray said, smiling coldly at Gajeel. “Now, get the fuck out of here and don’t let me hear another goddamn word from you about Lyon.” He backed up a step toward Natsu, glaring at Gajeel as he stood and wiped blood from his face. “I’d get that looked at, if I were you.” Gajeel hesitated for a moment, then muttered something nasty under his breath and began to head out of the parking lot.

“Th-thank you,” Natsu said quietly, still clutching his backpack tightly to his chest. Gray shook his head.

“It’s fine.” He rubbed his knuckles, and Natsu absently noticed that he was left-handed. Gray looked up at him and appeared to be contemplating something. “You need a ride?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly have nothing against Gajeel, he just seemed like the perfect bully for this.


	3. here's to the zeroes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gray drives Natsu home. Sort of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A note for this story - I live in Canada, and our official second language is French ^_^

_these days, i kinda just pretend so_  
_i guess i don't mind, it depends though_  
_i get stuck to every innuendo_  
_but it doesn't seem to matter in the end_  
\- Marianas Trench, "Here's to the Zeroes"

Natsu talked a _lot_. As soon as he slid into the passenger seat of Gray’s shitty Buick, Natsu filled the car with his voice. He talked about the car, then about his own dream car, then about music and how Gray should definitely join their band that wasn’t really a band, then asked what kind of music Gray liked, and maybe Natsu could put a playlist on his phone, and then about Lucy…on and on, jumping from topic to topic until Gray felt dizzy.

“…and he wasn’t even in the same fucking country when his grandson was born! But somehow _I’m_ the irresponsible one.” Natsu bit his thumb, and Gray looked sideways at him. He could tell that Natsu was bitter about not being able to see Kaden, but wasn’t sure he was willing to ask what happened.

“Does your tongue ever go numb from all that talking?” He asked instead. Gray meant it to be somewhat teasing, but he worried that it came across more rude and judgemental. Luckily, Natsu just laughed.

“It probably would eventually,” he admitted, shifting in his seat and drumming his fingers along the door handle. “Usually I get told to shut up before now. Or people just stop listening.” Gray snorted. “You can tell me to shut up if you want, I won’t get offended.” He wriggled again, this time leaning so that he was facing Gray.

“It’s…uh, it’s fine,” Gray said, pulling to a stop at a red light and glancing over at Natsu. He could practically _feel_ the energy vibrating off the pink-haired boy. “Did…did Gajeel hurt you?” Natsu shook his head.

“Nah, just being an ass. That was a pretty impressive punch, though!” Gray smiled a little at that, still feeling the sting of his split knuckles.

“He had it coming,” he grumbled. The light turned green and he urged the car forward.

“Where do you know him from?” Natsu asked. Gray tensed, even though he could tell that the question was only meant conversationally. “Did you guys go to the same school?”

“Something like that,” Gray replied vaguely. He tapped his fingers on the steering wheel, gritting his teeth against the dull, aching pain that was spreading from his shoulder down his back. It has been getting worse as the day went on, and now it was nearly intolerable. Why the hell did he offer Natsu a ride? He needed to get home and get his medication. “What’d he want from you?”

“J-just…being a jerk,” Natsu replied, ears pink and voice hesitant with untruth. Gray shrugged, he wasn’t going to pry. “Y’know, pick on the gay kid, I guess.”

“Well, he got two of us,” Gray replied, ignoring Natsu’s surprised glance. It might as well be out in the open. “I don’t care if anybody knows about me, and that asshole can eat a bag of dicks.”

Natsu stared at Gray for a moment, then burst out laughing. Full-body, chest-shaking, noisy laughs that brought tears to his eyes. Gray tried to remain stoic, but Natsu’s cheer seemed to be contagious, and he found himself snickering as well.

“A bag…hah…of dicks!” Natsu giggled, wiping tears from his eyes and looking over at Gray with a goofy grin on his face. Gray rolled his eyes, but his lip curled up in amusement.

“So, where am I taking you?” He realized that he’d never actually asked Natsu where he lived, and that he’d been unconsciously heading toward his own apartment the entire time. He felt Natsu go still.

“Um, anywhere is fine…” Gray turned to see Natsu chewing his thumbnail anxiously again. “I’m…not really ready to go home yet.” He darted a glance over and met Gray’s eyes for a second. “But I know you said you were busy tonight and you probably have to get home, so seriously you can even just drop me right here if you’d like, if that’s easiest…”

 _Goddamn he is gorgeous_ , Gray thought as he listened to Natsu babble. The pink-haired boy’s thumb rested on his lower lip as he spoke, other hand tapping an erratic rhythm on his thigh. Gray had to blink and force himself to look back at the road.

 _It would be easiest to just drop him off here and end this,_ one part of his brain said. _Remember what happens when you get close to people?_ As if on cue, the nerves in his shoulder fired a particularly nasty spasm down his side. He couldn’t hold in the pained grunt it elicited.

“Hey, are you okay?” He gritted his teeth, refusing to look at the likely-concerned expression on Natsu’s face, and nodded shortly. They were still moving towards his own apartment, passing familiar shops and street signs.

 _It’s not going to kill you to spend time with the guy,_ another part of his brain argued _. Ask him if he wants to go to a movie_. Gray hesitated, caught in indecision. On the one hand, Ultear and his therapist would be thrilled that he made a friend. On the other hand, he _had_ punched a guy to cement said friendship, and would probably like to do more than friendship-like things to Natsu if they got too close. _Fuuuuuck_.

“Seriously, are you okay? You’re super white. Are you gonna throw up?” Gray gripped the steering wheel harder as they rounded the corner to his apartment, pulling into the parking area on the street. He took a couple of deep breaths, then turned to face Natsu.

“I’m fine,” he said, wanting to snap at him to _mind your goddamn business_ , but getting lost in the intensity of Natsu’s eyes. “Just a…headache.” Natsu gave him a look that said _I know you’re full of shit_ , but Gray ignored it.

“Where are we?” Natsu turned and looked out the window, whistling at the view of the ocean down the road ahead of them.

“Uh…home,” Gray said, flustered. He could feel heat creeping up his face and into his cheeks and he hated himself for it. “Listen, do…do you mind waiting here a sec?” Natsu looked confused. “I just gotta grab something from upstairs and then I’ll take you home.” There was no way he was making it any further with this pain dancing down his side.

“Don’t worry about it, I can walk from here!” Natsu was grinning broadly at him, as if he weren’t at all unnerved by Gray’s strange behaviour.

“You live close by?” Gray looked at him curiously, but Natsu just kept smiling. He grabbed the door handle and pushed himself out of the car as Gray did the same.

“Something like that,” Natsu replied. He hefted his bag onto his back, then pulled a phone from his back pocket. It was an old, barely functioning flip phone, and Gray snorted when he saw it.

“What a piece of shit.” A minute burst of hurt flashed across Natsu’s face before he laughed out loud and nodded his head, flipping it open and closed a few times.

“Definitely. Can I, uh, get your number?” Gray’s heart did a little cartwheel. “Y’know, for like, band practice or jamming or whatever.” Natsu looked down at the ground, cheeks pink.

“Y-yeah,” Gray stammered, reaching out to grab the phone. He opened it and poked a few buttons curiously. “I…may not know how to use this.” He blushed as Natsu laughed, reaching out to take the device back. As Gray passed it back, his sleeve lifted up slightly, revealing a small, simple snowflake tattooed on his wrist.

“That’s sweet!” Natsu gripped Gray’s wrist and pushed his sleeve up further to get a look at it, revealing the two larger flakes that trailed up his forearm. Gray’s face flushed and he fought the urge to pull his arm away. “Those look great, did you get them done here?” Gray nodded, trying to remain still as Natsu ran his soft, warm fingers over Gray’s wrist. “What do they mean?”

Gray froze, words stuck in his throat.

_Four-year-old Gray stumbled on his skates, landing on his knees in the middle of the small, frozen pond. A beautiful woman with soft, dark hair and cheeks pink with cold bent down, reaching out to Gray and placing him back on his feet._

_“” Gray said, holding her hands as she skated backwards, pulling him along behind her. Huge, soft snowflakes fell from the sky, landing on his tongue, and he closed his eyes, feeling the winter air press against his cheeks._

_“” A deep, gentle voice said. Gray turned and there was his father, face adorned with an enormous smile, hair full of snow, holding his arms out towards his son._

_“Non,” whispered his mother in Gray’s ear. “”_

“Little snowflake,” Gray whispered, not realizing he was speaking out loud. _Petit flocon de neige._

“Snowflake, huh?” Natsu seemed to either have not noticed or was ignoring Gray’s slightly pained expression. “I like it.” He took the phone, typed something into it, and then passed it back to Gray. “Just put your number in there.”

Gray glanced down at the screen, still feeling slightly dizzy. Natsu had typed SNOWFLAKE, then left room for his number. He punched in the numbers slowly, trying to navigate how he felt about Natsu using that nickname. It felt like it should sting, but instead it only made him feel warm and slightly wistful. He decided he didn’t mind.

“Awesome, well, I’ll…” Natsu paused. “I’ll harass you about your smoking habits tomorrow!” Gray snorted, then waved as Natsu practically skipped down the sidewalk towards the beach.

As soon as Natsu was out of sight, Gray dashed across the lawn and took the steps to his apartment two at a time. The pain was peaking now, too far gone to just use the stuff he took on a daily basis. The neurologist had spent months tweaking Gray’s medications, switching them and balancing them, until they came to something that helped him return to what resembled normalcy. If he took the Gabapentin and the Effexor every day, it kept the pain mostly manageable. But he’d taken those this morning. The stress was obviously fucking him up.

He slid his key into the lock and kicked the door open, dashing to the bathroom and grabbing the bottle he tried to avoid at all costs – Tramadol. Back when the pain had been unbearable, they’d had him on OxyContin, and he’d hated the stuff. It made everything feel like a dream, like he wasn’t real. The Tramadol was better – generally it only made him sleepy, but at least it would kick in within the hour. He popped two into his mouth and washed them down with a glass of water.

“Hello, Happy,” he said as a furry tail swiped over his jeans. He bent down to pick up the cat that was purring at his feet, and it batted at his nose. He’d named it Happy to be ironic, since his sister had given it to him when he was in the lowest pit of his depression, but he’d actually come to love the thing. “Were you lonely all day?” Happy _mrowled_ at him and he laughed. “Well, then, I guess we’d better make some supper then.”

He set Happy back onto the floor, then gazed at himself in the mirror, running a hand through his hair. _What the fuck am I doing_? He thought, picturing Natsu’s smile, the warmth of his hand against Gray’s wrist, the way he just talked and talked and Gray didn’t even mind. _What am I getting myself into?_

His phone pinged in his pocket, and he pulled it out. _hey snowflake, just makin sure u didnt give me a fake number._ Gray snorted, swiping across the screen. He was tempted to save the number under some ridiculous nickname, but nothing came to mind, and when he finally typed ‘Natsu’ into his phone, his stomach felt strange. He typed and deleted several messages before finally sending one.

 _Nope, you’re stuck with me._ He cursed himself for being so ridiculously unoriginal, then shoved his phone into his back pocket and made his way into the kitchen. He opened the fridge door and stood in front of it for several minutes, glaring at its contents. He finally slammed it shut and stared at Happy, who had prowled in and was rubbing himself on Gray’s ankles.

“We’re ordering takeout,” Gray announced, pulling out his phone again and flopping down on the couch. Happy quickly followed, folding himself into a neat ball on Gray’s stomach. Gray would never admit it, but sometimes the vibrations from Happy purring helped to soothe the pain in his side. He scratched the cat’s ears as he thumbed through his app, settling on Chinese takeout.

 _could be worse, could be stuck with gajeel and his bag of dicks._ Gray snorted with laughter as Natsu’s message popped up, and Happy meowed at him, fidgeting unhappily.

 _Glad I rate higher than a bag of dicks_ , he replied, shaking his head. He set his phone down beside him and leaned his head backward into the cushions. The Tramadol was starting to work and the pain was fading, a cute boy was texting him, he had a purring cat on his lap, and Chinese food was on its way. Maybe life wasn’t so bad after all.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **French Translations**  
>  Merci, Maman = Thank you, mom  
> Quel grand garçon tu fais! = What a big boy you are!  
> Tu es mon petit flocon de neige = You're my little snowflake.


	4. story about a (boy)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natsu sees Kaden again. Gajeel apologizes.

_I know it's stuck inside your head_  
_You're alone, you'd better get used to it_  
_And I know the feeling has to end_  
_You're strong, it sucks you in again_  
\- Our Lady Peace, "Story About a Girl"

The next day, Natsu showed just in time to harass Gray, who stood in the smoking area without actually smoking. He looked grumpy, hands shoved deep in his pockets and a pensive scowl on his face.

“You took my advice and gave up?” Natsu grinned, sliding across the railing in front of Gray and kicking out his feet. The dark-haired boy gave him an exasperated glare.

“Ran out,” he muttered irritably. “Not worth it anyway, too expensive.” Natsu nodded, yanking out his earbuds and draping them around his neck. He felt grungy this morning – likely the result of sleeping in the park and wearing the same clothes for two days in a row. He had been caught by a security guard at three in the morning, and had ended up spending the rest of the night in a twenty-four hour diner instead, drinking cup after cup of shitty coffee. He ran his tongue along the back of his teeth – his mouth felt fuzzy.

“You look like hell,” Gray commented, eyes roaming over Natsu’s wayward hair. “You forget how to use a brush or something?” Natsu snorted, running a hand through the pink locks in an attempt to tame them.

“Natsu!” Lucy’s voice rang out from the parking lot, and he turned to see her – carrying Kaden! He jumped up and dashed over to her, peering over her shoulder for her father. “Dad’s not here, the nanny is sick and he’s in South America right now. Wanna go see Uncle Natsu?” The last phrase was cooed at the blonde baby in her arms that she gently passed over to Natsu.

“Hey buddy,” he whispered, gazing into Kaden’s bright blue eyes. “It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

“Ba,” agreed Kaden, reaching up to grasp Natsu’s hair. Natsu laughed, dodging the clever fingers.

“Is that so?” He pressed a kiss to Kaden’s forehead, feeling his chest swell with a mix of emotions. “He’s gotten so much bigger.” Lucy laughed, reaching out and stroking her son’s hair away from his face.

“He can roll over now,” she said softly, a look of pride on her face. “And sit up too, although he generally just falls onto his face.” Natsu smiled, grabbing Kaden’s hand as the infant reached out curious fingers towards his lip ring.

“Better not touch that,” Natsu said quietly, revelling in the feeling of Kaden’s weight in his arms. He remembered when Kaden was born, how tiny and fragile and he had been – skin like tissue paper and soft, blonde eyelashes resting against his cheeks. Lucy had begged the nurse to let Natsu stay, and the two of them had curled up together, facing each other on the hospital bed with Kaden in between them, watching him breathe.

“Ba,” Kaden said again, this time reaching over Natsu’s shoulder. Natsu turned to see that Gray had followed him over, but was hanging back a bit, trying hard to look disinterested.

“Ah,” said Natsu, tapping Kaden’s nose and then pointing at the dark-haired boy. “That is Grumpy Gray. He likes to frown a lot.” Gray scowled at him as he and Lucy both laughed.

“Sorry, Gray,” Lucy said, stepping forward and gesturing for him to join them. Gray did so reluctantly, hands still in his pockets. “Natsu’s just a jerk sometimes. You’ll get used to it.”

“I am not a jerk,” Natsu protested. “I’m merely stating facts.” Kaden wriggled in his arms, grabbing one of the strings of his hoodie and beginning to chew on it. “Wanna hold him?” His last question was directed at Gray. He didn’t really want to relinquish Kaden, but figured it was the polite thing to ask.

“I’m good,” Gray replied mildly. He peered at the infant and Kaden looked back at him, eyes immediately travelling to his necklace. Natsu had noticed it the day before, tucked under Gray’s sweater – a silver chain with a sword-shaped pendant attached to it. “I can tell you wanna put that in your mouth, and it probably tastes just about as bad as those.” The statement was directed at Kaden, and Gray gestured at Natsu’s hoodie strings.

“I will have you know that this hoodie tastes delicious,” Natsu replied indignantly.

“Oh yeah?” Gray retorted. “When was the last time you washed it?” Natsu rolled his eyes, but before he could retaliate, Lucy cut in.

“Natsu, he’s not staying all day.” Natsu’s face fell and he clutched the infant to him tightly. “Loke is coming to pick him up in about ten minutes.” Kaden began to squirm and fuss, so Natsu switched him over to the other arm, bouncing him on his hip.

“Oh.” It was the only thing he could thing of to say. Lucy’s face was sympathetic and her words were soft, but it didn’t change anything.

“I can bring him back tomorrow, I think,” Lucy said softly, placing a gentle hand on Natsu’s arm. “I’m…I’m gonna talk to my dad.”

“Whatever,” Natsu sighed, knowing that Lucy meant well but that these few minutes with his ‘nephew’ were likely all he was going to get for the foreseeable future. Lucy’s father was strict and demanding, and while he helped Lucy out by hiring a nanny for Kaden, it put him in control of who got to spend time with his grandson. And that was not Natsu. It was Loke.

“Natsu, Loke really isn’t that bad. And he _is_ Kaden’s father.” The implied _and you’re not_ felt like a punch to the stomach, and Natsu felt like he couldn’t breathe.

Loke hadn’t been there when Lucy had called Natsu at midnight, crying over a positive pregnancy test, and Natsu had snuck out and came to her house to comfort her. Loke hadn’t been there at the ultrasound where Lucy had found out that the baby was a boy, and had asked Natsu to help her name him. Loke hadn’t been there when Lucy got too big to reach her feet, so Natsu painted her toes for her and brought her weird snacks like edamame chips and papaya juice.

Loke had certainly not been there the night that Lucy had gone into labor, two weeks early with her dad in another country, so Natsu had driven her to the hospital, holding her hand and telling her to breathe while he blew through red lights and swerved around corners. Loke hadn’t sat for twenty-eight nerve-wracking hours in the hospital waiting room, biting his nails while doctors told him, _sorry, you’re not family, we can’t give you any information._ Loke hadn’t been the one to finally burst into the hospital room, to sweep Lucy and the tiniest baby he’d ever seen into a hug, hadn’t been the second person in the entire world to hold Kaden in his arms.

No, Loke had shown up two months later saying he wanted shared custody, and Lucy’s father had been happy because Loke flashed around a lot of money while he said it. Natsu went from seeing Kaden every few days, to seeing Kaden every couple weeks. And then, after…the darkness…this was the first time he had seen Kaden in over a month. It hurt, almost physically.

“Naaaaa,” Kaden gurgled, and Natsu snapped out of his angry reverie to see Lucy’s sympathetic gaze, and Gray’s concerned one. He ignored them both and focused on Kaden’s face – his pudgy cheeks, his soft eyelashes, the way his hair was starting to curl. He swallowed heavily, then placed a kiss on Kaden’s forehead.

“Thanks, Luce,” he said softly, wishing Gray wasn’t here to see his trainwreck of emotions. Lucy smiled sadly, stroking Kaden’s back.

“He missed you,” she whispered. “I’m gonna go see if Loke is here.” She turned and headed back into the parking lot.

“I missed him too.” Natsu crouched down and settled Kaden so his feet were on the asphalt – he was wearing some sort of ridiculous baby shoes that probably cost more than everything Natsu was wearing right now. What did babies need shoes for anyways? Kaden wriggled, moving his feet uncertainly and gripping Natsu’s fingers. “C’mon bud, let’s go for a walk.” He shuffled backwards, yelping in pain as he banged his head into the railing behind him.

“Idiot,” he heard Gray mutter from above him, and then cool fingers were on his, prying them from one of Kaden’s hands. Gray let the infant grasp his own finger instead, then offered his free hand to help Natsu to his feet. “Can’t even walk properly, what business do you have teaching anyone else?” The words were soft, and Natsu smiled.

“Oh, so I suppose you think you can do a better job then, huh Snowflake?” He noticed a minute look of discomfort pass across Gray’s face when he said the nickname, but it was quickly replaced by a grin.

“Of course I do, dumbass.” Natsu actually laughed out loud, then glanced down at Kaden, who was holding on to each of their fingers and looking around uncertainly.

“This wa—”

“C’mon Kad—”

They both began to speak at the same time, but at least they were walking in the same direction.

 

* * *

 

Once Kaden was picked up, the three of them headed into the creative arts room of the youth centre. Gray didn’t head for the windowsill this time, instead sliding into the chair next to Natsu. Mira had rearranged the classroom so that the desks and chairs were arranged in a circle, which she said helped to “promote greater sharing”.

“You okay?” It took a moment for Natsu to realize that the comment was directed at him. His chest felt heavy and a deep, thick feeling of sadness was settling into his body. It was familiar, and it scared him.

“Mm,” he replied, hoping that would be enough to satisfy the other boy. Gray frowned at him, but didn’t press the issue, instead settling back into his seat.

“Good afternoon, everyone!” Mira bustled into the room, smile bright on her face, and Natsu’s mood lightened a fraction. He glanced around at the room – it looked like everyone was here except Gajeel.

“Metal-face isn’t here,” he whispered, leaning towards Gray. “Maybe he’s eating some dicks.” Gray snorted and covered his face, trying to keep himself from laughing out loud.

“We’re going to get started right away,” Mira said. “We’re still working on the topic of resilience. How did everyone find our project with the lighthouse yesterday?”

Natsu scuffed the toes of his shoes onto the floor. Mira had said they weren’t required to display their projects, but he knew that Gray had seen him sketching a dragon around his lighthouse, mouth opened wide to light the lantern. It had made him feel…naked, somehow.

“Today, we’re going to do an exercise to evaluate our current levels of resiliency.” A few people groaned. “We can only improve if we know how far we need to go!” Mira began to jot down some lines on the board, and Natsu felt his heart sink as he read them. “There are six areas to evaluate, so I’d like you to each rate yourself on a scale of zero to ten. Afterwards, I’m going to get you to share one of your answers, along with your rationale behind your score.”

Just then, the door banged open and Gajeel slunk in, nose bandaged and eyes bruised. Mira raised her eyebrows at him, but said nothing, gesturing him to the empty chair next to Gray. Gajeel grumbled and slid into the seat, folding his arms over his chest.

“Yo, Fullbuster.” Gray stiffened, and Natsu could see a muscle working in his jaw as he turned to look at Gajeel. “I found out what happened. Sherry told me.”

“I thought I told you to mind your own fucking business,” Gray hissed. His fists were clenched so tightly that his knuckles were turning white. “Or do I need to _beat_ that into you again?”

“Look, man, I just wanted to say I’m sorry.” Gray leaned back in surprise, and Natsu blinked. “I deserved this.” Gajeel gestured to his face.

“Yeah, you did.” Gray’s voice was still low and dangerous, but Natsu could see that the tension in his jaw was slowly fading.

“I know I’m not the nicest guy—” Natsu snorted “—but I’d _never_ do that to my brother.” Gray’s hand drifted to his shoulder as he frowned. Do what? Natsu was burning with curiosity, and desperately trying not to lean further into their conversation. Gray finally exhaled, and it seemed like most of the tension left his body.

“Yeah, well, that’s cause Ryos could probably kick your ass,” he muttered, and Gajeel laughed – actually laughed!

“I dunno about that, he’s got this weird _I am darkness_ thing goin’ on that I don’t get.” Natsu was baffled. What the hell was happening? Was Gajeel actually having a _conversation_ with Gray? And who was Ryos? “But he’s in school and I’m makin’ sure he stays there. Don’t want him to fuck up like me.”

“Well at least he has a stellar example of what _not_ to do,” Gray muttered sarcastically. Gajeel let out an amused grunt.

“Gentlemen, private conversations can take place during our breaks,” Mira interrupted, and all three boys jumped in their seats. Lucy turned to give Natsu an exasperated stare. “We need to listen to others when they’re speaking.” Natsu looked guilty as he realized that he hadn’t been paying attention to the rest of the group. Cana had just finished speaking, and was looking morose.

“Lucy, I believe it’s your turn.” Mira motioned to the board: _I have plenty of support from other people in my life._

“I gave myself a seven,” Lucy said, looking down at her notebook. “I…well, my dad isn’t always the greatest but at least he’s there. And Kaden’s dad Loke helps out too.” Natsu felt his chest ache again at that name. Thinking about Loke pulling out of the centre parking lot in his fancy car with Kaden in the backseat just _hurt_. “And I have a really, really great best friend who will do anything for me.” Natsu jumped as Lucy kicked him under the desk, and his face flushed bright red.

“Wonderful! Having a good network of friends, family, and other support people in your life can be a very important factor in fostering resiliency.” Mira smiled, then turned to Natsu and gestured to the second bullet on the board.

_I am able to accept myself for who I really am._

“Um.” Natsu hadn’t written anything down; he’d been too busy listening to Gajeel and Gray. So now he had to come up with something on the spot. _Shit_. “I…uh…a one?” He caught Lucy giving him a sad sideways glance. “Mostly ‘cause…um…” he felt his throat tightening with anxiety. What the hell? Yesterday he could have answered this with a _ten cause I’m a fucking ray of sunshine and brighten everyone’s day_ but this was what happened when the pills ran out and the highs turned to lows overnight. “I don’t…like who I really am? So…yeah.”

Mira looked somewhat concerned, but nodded and moved her finger to the next point, nodding at Gray.

_I cope well with my emotions in the face of adversity._

“Hah.” Gray let out a puff of laughter, then sighed, looking resigned. “Maybe like, a two?” He ran a hand through his hair. “When…things are shit…I, ah…I usually just shut down. Like, ignore all my…emotions. Or something. ‘Cause that’s…easier…than dealing with stuff.”

“Suppressing emotions is definitely a very common unhealthy coping mechanism,” Mira said, keeping her voice neutral. “And that’s why you’re here, to learn how to deal with those feelings in a more positive way.”

Gajeel was next, responding to _I am good at communicating and interacting with others in times of stress._ To Natsu’s surprise, he didn’t wave for Mira to pass him, but actually contemplated the question.

“Can I give a zero?” Mira nodded. “Yeah, I’m the worst at that. I just get mad and do stupid shit like…hit people. And stuff.” He looked incredibly uncomfortable, but Mira gave him a wide smile.

“Well, that’s why we’re here,” Mira said enthusiastically, looking around at the group. “This afternoon we’re going to be working on learning how to recognize and manage ‘normal’ emotions.” Natsu sighed, leaning against the back of his desk and feeling exhaustion creeping slowly though his body.

_What I wouldn’t give for some normal emotions right now._


	5. there is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gray lets Cana read his cards, and panics a bit. Natsu looks sexy as fuck while he plays the guitar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for panic attacks and mentions of past self-harm

_do you care if I don’t know what to say_    
_will you sleep tonight, will you think of me_    
_will I shake this off, pretend its all okay_    
_that there’s someone out there who feels just like me_    
_there is_    
\- Boxcar Racer, “There Is” 

 

The first three weeks of group had gone by quickly. Between work in the mornings, group in the afternoon, and the sort-of-reluctantly joined jam sessions after group, Gray found he barely had time to eat and sleep, and now it was suddenly almost Christmas. Ultear had called him last night, and when he’d told her offhandedly that he had made some friends, he could have sworn he heard her crying. 

“Gray, come let me read your future!” Gray glanced across the room to where Natsu, Erza, Lucy and Cana were sitting. Cana grinned at him, a set of tarot cards splayed in front of her on the table. He liked her – she was honest and raw in a way that he wasn’t, and it both scared him and made him admire her.  

“My dad left when I was fifteen,” she’d said in group today. “Just fucked off and didn’t even say goodbye. And it hurt, just hurt everywhere, like a giant ball of pain spreading through my body.” Gray had nodded along, feeling the ache of his missing parents keenly in that moment. “And I just wanted to make it stop, make everything go away, so I broke into my mom’s liquor cabinet and downed the first bottle of whatever I saw. I felt so numb. After that I just found older kids to buy me booze, and drank until I couldn’t feel anything.” 

Gray remembered trying that a few times, but the alcohol hadn’t mixed well with the OxyContin, and his sister had given him hell after he had puked until he felt like he was going to die.  

He shrugged now, tucking his journal away and ambling across the room. Sliding into the chair across from Cana, he glanced over at Natsu, but the pink-haired boy didn’t look up. He was busy fiddling with the sleeves of his hoodie. Gray frowned – something seemed off about Natsu lately. To be fair, he had only known him for a few weeks, but the excited enthusiasm from the day they met had become tempered by something…darker.  

“Luce, can you pass me those scissors?” Natsu leaned back toward the blonde girl, who gazed at him hesitantly. A look of confusion crossed his face, which slowly turned to anger. “I just wanna cut thumb-holes in my fucking sweater, Luce. Jesus Christ.” He shoved his chair away and leaned over, grabbing the scissors himself. Gray was shocked – he’d never heard Natsu speak to Lucy like that before. 

Lucy whispered something soft that Gray couldn’t hear, and Natsu’s frown deepened. He jabbed the scissors through the fabric of his tattered sweater – did he ever take that thing off? – then threw them down on the table and stalked away.  

“What’s up with him today?” Gray frowned as Natsu stormed out towards the front door. He’d been acting a bit strange lately, but nothing like this. 

“He has…moods,” Lucy said quietly, tucking her hands into her sleeves. “It’s pretty normal. He’ll come back.” Gray frowned. Shouldn’t someone be going after him?  

“Alright Gray, pick three cards and lay them on the table.” Gray turned his attention back to Cana, who had shuffled the deck and was holding it out to him. He tried not to roll his eyes – tarot reading was a silly, inexact pseudoscience, but he didn’t want to hurt the girl’s feelings. He reached out and plucked three cards from her hand, and spread them out in front of him.  

“Oh.” Cana’s eyes widened. Gray looked down with a frown – a tower, some guy maybe hiding somewhere, and…a dead body being stabbed with swords. Well, that couldn’t be good. Not that he believed in this shit anyway.  

“So, what’s my future?” He grumbled, trying to ignore the pensive look on Cana’s face.  

“Well, I’m not great at this,” she began, chewing on her thumbnail. “My Gram’s the real pagan, she does this for a living. But…you’ve had some sort of disaster in your life. A change that can’t be unmade.” Gray stiffened a bit, but relaxed when he realized that could describe literally everyone in this program. “The hermit—” here she tapped on the hiding man “—is reversed, which indicates isolation or withdrawal from people you love.”  _Also_ true of everyone here. Even so, Gray felt his pulse rise uncomfortably.  

“That’s pretty…vague,” he said quietly. His throat felt thick. This was a terrible idea.  

“The ten of swords, though…that’s not a good card.” Cana continued like she hadn’t heard him speak. “It’s a symbol of…ultimate betrayal. Someone you loved, that you cared about and trusted, hurt you, probably physically and emotionally…” 

Cana’s voice trailed off, leaving Gray with  _an open door, and soft flakes of snow drifting around his ankles._  

 _No_. Gray pinched his thigh under the table, trying to shake away the memory.  

 _Sharp,_ _unimaginable_ _pain, blistering through his shoulder and stomach,_ _and_ _a voice_ _saying_ ** _it should have been you the first time_** _._   

“I gotta…” Gray tried to come up with an excuse but his mind was blank, pulse pounding in his ears. He shoved his chair away from the table, shaking his head from side to side. “I gotta go.” Ignoring the girl’s shocked expressions, he turned around and stumbled out of the room, toward the door.  

Air. He just needed air. He shoved the door open as hard as he could, and winced when it connected with something solid.  

“Ow,  _fuck_.” The something was apparently Natsu, who was now rubbing his cheek and looking at Gray curiously. “You okay?”  

“I gotta go,” Gray repeated, pushing past Natsu and sprinting through the parking lot. It was snowing today, too, the same soft flakes, and Gray felt his chest tighten and his eyes blur with tears.  _Stop it_ , he whispered to himself as he ran, not knowing where his footsteps were going.  _Stop it. You’re better than this._

He sucked cold air into his lungs, skidding around a corner and nearly tripping over a loose slab of pavement. Where the fuck was he going? It didn’t matter. He just needed to get away from the harsh burning in his chest and the feeling of dread that was creeping through his limbs.  

There was a loud blare of a car horn, and Gray felt a pair of arms wrap around him, yanking him backwards until he stumbled and fell on his ass.  

“What the—” 

“Are you okay?” Natsu’s frantic voice caught him off guard, and he turned to see the pink-haired boy, also on the ground, staring at him with concern. “You just about ran out into traffic! What the hell were you thinking?” Gray blinked at him, looking up to the road and seeing that he had indeed been about to traverse a busy intersection.  

“I…” He swallowed, realizing that the panic had subsided and all he was left with was a pounding heart, and the warm ghost of Natsu’s arms around his chest. “I…wasn’t paying attention.”  

“No shit.” Natsu stood, brushing dust from his jeans, then reached a hand down to Gray, who took it uncertainly. His legs felt unsteady beneath him, and he leaned forward, hands on his knees, taking deep breaths. Natsu placed a hand on his shoulder. “Seriously. Is there anything I can do?”  

Gray shook his head, finally feeling a return to calm, and a pink flush of embarrassment flooded into his cheeks. His first instinct was to snap at Natsu, tell him to fuck off and mind his business, but he hesitated. Natsu had been nothing but kind to him since they’d met. He didn’t deserve that.  

“Just…a…bad memory.” Shame rushed through him, heat blossoming from the nape of his neck to the tips of his ears. “I’ll be okay.” He forced himself to look up into Natsu’s concerned face. “Thanks for the save.”  

“No problem.” Natsu smiled easily at Gray as he finally stood, running a hand through his hair. “You still up for jamming? I wanna hear that new song you wrote.”  

“Uh…yeah,” Gray smiled uncertainly as Natsu began to head back toward the centre. “Hey…are  _you_ okay? You booked it outta there earlier too.” Natsu’s shoulders rounded inward and he began to chew his lip.  

“Sorta. Just…” He looked up, like he was contemplating how much to share with Gray. “I had a…bad few months a while back. Did some stupid shit. It scared Luce, and she’s still…overprotective, y’know?” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I get it, it just pisses me off sometimes.”  

Gray wondered what the scissors had to do with any of this, then slowly wondered if it had anything to do with the fact that Natsu never took off his sweater.  _Oh_. He didn’t say anything, just nodded and continued following Natsu back to the centre.  

 

* * *

 

Natsu was  _amazing_  on the guitar. Gray loved watching him – he curled around it like it was a lover, hands caressing the frets and fingers dancing across the strings, pink hair falling in his eyes, lower lip caught between his teeth while he concentrated. Okay, he was also incredibly sexy when he played guitar. That didn’t help things either.  

Over the weeks Gray had found it easier and easier to sit with this group, to revel in their casual familiarity and occasionally make his own contributions to their conversations. The cautious side of his brain occasionally warned him against it, but he told it to  _shut the fuck up, thank you very much._ He hadn’t shared much about himself, but nobody seemed to mind.  

Natsu had also taken to texting him every evening, vaguely flirty messages that made Gray’s heart jump a bit every time his phone dinged. He wasn’t sure if Natsu was just like that in general – it seemed like it from how he interacted with the girls, but maybe it was different with boys – or if there was something actually going on between them. Sometimes he felt it, like when their hands brushed when they both reached for the door at the same time, but other times he wasn’t so certain.  

“You’ve got it  _bad_.” Erza flopped down on the floor next to Gray, who was sitting on the piano bench, a respectable distance away from the rest of the group. He had been composing before he had been distracted by Natsu’s hair, and hands, and lips.  _Jesus fuck._  

“I…what?” He blinked up at the redhead. She had the long side of her hair tied up in an intricate braid, and a pattern was shaved into the other side. He looked at her contemplatively. “You look so different from…before.” She laughed easily.  

“Yeah, well…you don’t.” Gray gazed at her, unsure how to respond to that. “I mean, you’ve grown up, that’s for sure. We both have. God, we were stupid.” Gray laughed a little at that.  

“Yeah, well…I’m glad we got out.” He doodled absently in the margin of his scorebook. “Gajeel too, even if he did end up doing some time in juvie. He seems to really care about Ryos.”  

“Oh my god, the last time I saw that kid, he was what…twelve?” Erza cracked her knuckles and Gray noticed she had something tattooed on the inside of her ring finger. A stylized letter “J”.  

“Are you still…” he gestured at the tattoo. “With him?” Erza’s face hardened slightly.  

“It’s complicated,” she said softly, running her finger over the ink. “He’s in rehab right now. He just…we both had such a shitty life. I know that’s not an excuse,” she said hastily, holding up a hand, “but I think he can change. Be better.”  

“Hopefully we all can,” Gray said softly, eyes drifting back over to Natsu, who was still strumming softly and singing under his breath. “Now that…” he struggled to say the name. “Now that Lyon is gone, and the gang fell apart.” He swallowed heavily.  

“Do you wanna talk about what happened with him?” Erza leaned back, crossing her ankles and gazing up at Gray. “Sherry said you almost died.”  

 _Blue and red sirens, blood everywhere, on the floor and his hands and everything was happening in slow motion…_  

“Yeah,” Gray said quietly. “I mean yeah to the almost died, not to the talking.” He avoided Erza’s gaze. “I’m not ready.” She nodded. 

“Just…know that I know what it’s like to have someone you love hurt you.” Gray winced, remembering the bruises on Erza’s arms, the way she would show up like that and he never said anything because he was terrified of Jellal. 

“Sorry,” he said, but she shook her head, playing absently with her tongue ring.  

“It was a lifetime ago,” she said softly, then turned to Gray and grinned. “Now stop ogling Natsu and lets get to playing some music.”  


	6. skin & bones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natsu goes out drinking and shit goes bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for unhealthy coping mechanisms, drinking, attempted date-rape, and self-loathing.

_It only hurt a bit_    
_I still feel like shit_    
_Maybe you won’t be able to recognize me now  
_ \- Marianas Trench, “Skin & Bones” 

 

Natsu sighed as whatever it was he was drinking slid smoothly down his throat, burning a trail down into his belly. His head felt thick, stuffed with cotton, and he knew the guy next to him was yelling something but it sounded muffled, like he was trying to talk through a mattress.  

“What?” He was sure his voice was ten times louder than normal, but the guy just smiled at him, holding up another shot glass full of something…blue. Natsu grinned at him. The guy was cute – blonde, white teeth, expensive looking watch – probably some college kid with too much money to burn. Exactly the kind of guy he was looking for.  

Natsu wasn’t stupid – he knew that he was attractive. He might not have any money, but he  _did_  have softly tousled hair and tanned skin and a tight shirt that rode up just over his hips. And it was dark enough in here that nobody could see his scars.  

“Want another drink?” The man leaned into Natsu’s space, shouting in his ear over the pounding beat of the club. Natsu was lucky he’d even gotten into this place, but the bouncer was lazy and his fake ID passed his half-assed inspection.  

Natsu didn’t answer, merely took the shot glass from the man, fingers grazing his suggestively as he did so. He tipped his head back, tossing whatever it was down his throat, then looked back at the guy with a seductive gaze. He wouldn’t actually go home with the guy – he never did – but he could probably string some drinks and a few dances out of him.  

“I’m Kyle,” the guy shouted again, lips brushing Natsu’s ear, and he shivered at the contact. He reached out, placing a hand on Kyle’s hip.  _Flirting with danger._  

“Zach,” he lied, voice slurring slightly. How much had he had to drink already? He’d couldn’t remember.  

“Wanna dance, Zach?” Kyle’s hand had already mimicked Natsu’s, and when Natsu nodded, Kyle pulled him out into the mass of bodies pounding to the music.  

Natsu sighed, throwing his head back and letting Kyle’s hands wander over his hips and travel to his ass. It was fine. He wasn’t anything tonight, just a messy,  _very_ drunk mass of insignificant stardust. The alcohol numbed the pain, pushed back the darkness that had been creeping up the past few weeks, and Kyle’s lips on his neck and thigh grinding against him made him feel…something.  

The lights danced across the floor, and it seemed like they were travelling in slow motion. A few more drinks and the room began to spin slowly, music pounding half-time in his ears. His feet were unsteady, but Kyle made sure to wrap a tight arm around his waist. He struggled half-heartedly against it, but Kyle shouted something unintelligible in his ear and he gave up.  

“Why don’t we get outta here?” Kyle asked, voice echoing in Natsu’s head, and when Natsu frowned at him, Kyle tugged him out of the club and down the street to a fancy-looking Porsche. Natsu dropped into the passenger seat, still feeling a thick film colouring everything around him. Street lights began to slip by in bright swathes of light, and Natsu felt for a moment like he might throw up.  

His phone buzzed, and he frowned, digging it from his pocket with clumsy fingers. It was from Gray.  _Hey, just checking on you. Tell me to fuck off if you want, but you seemed out of it at practice._  

Goddamnit. Why did he have to care? Natsu leaned against the window, feeling the chill of it pierce through the haze of alcohol. He took a few deep breaths. What the hell was he doing? Fuck…he was supposed to be better. They all were. Here was Gray checking up on him while he was too drunk to tell some drunk asshole  _no_.   

“I n-need to get out,” Natsu slurred, reaching hesitantly for the door handle. Kyle looked over at him, frowning. “A-and…” Natsu suddenly realized something. “Y-you shouldn’t be driving if y-you’re drunk.”  

“I’m not drunk,” Kyle grinned, and suddenly he wasn’t handsome, he was a shark with sharp teeth and black eyes.  _Shit. Fuck._ Natsu realized suddnely that he didn’t  _just_ feel drunk – there was a haze of  _something else_ behind it.  

“Well…I am.” Natsu swallowed, feeling everything spin. “I c-changed my mind.” The car seemed to be going faster now, speeding through downtown, leaving a trail of exhaust behind it. “Stop.”  

 _not okay._ He thumbed out a message to Gray on the screen he could barely see.  _really drunk._ Maybe Gray would come pick him up. Where were they? The street signs seemed to blur past them.  

“S-stop,” he slurred again, fumbling at the door. His whole body felt heavy, like gravity was pinning him back against the soft leather seats. “Y-you put somethin’ in…my d-drink.” 

“What if I did?” said Kyle, reaching over and running his hand up Natsu's thigh. Natsu tried to jerk away, but his body protested. Kyle took a left turn into somewhere Natsu didn’t recognize - where was the ocean? He could find his way from there. Out the window was nothing but blurry street lights.   

 _Where are you? I can come get you._ Natsu felt a surge of relief at the text from Gray, then looked over to Kyle and did something incredibly stupid.  

He grabbed the steering wheel, veering the vehicle onto the sidewalk until it came to a crashing halt against a fire hydrant. Natsu felt himself jerk against the seatbelt.  

“What the fuck?” Kyle was shouting now, but it looked like his seatbelt was stuck and Natsu was already jumping out of the car, staggering down the street as pedestrians gaped and nobody asked if he was alright. He dodged around people, stumbling over his own feet, and when he hit the main road, he turned toward the ocean.  

The main drag was somewhat familiar, and he realized he wasn’t far from the beach. His brain was so fuzzy, people around him distorting like funhouse mirrors, his feet arguing against orders to walk. At one point he stopped and threw up behind a bus stop, to the disdain of several pedestrians.  

 _at the pier,_ he texted Gray finally, hands shaking as he slumped down into the sand. He ripped his sneakers off, stretching out and letting the surf wash over his bare feet. Thankfully he knew the address here and fired it off to Gray as well.  

 _I’ll be there in ten._ Gray’s reply was quick, and Natsu breathed a sigh of relief, dropping his head to his knees and taking shaky breaths. His stomach roiled, and he pinched his lips together, willing himself not to throw up again.  

What the fuck had just happened? He had almost been raped, that was what. How could he have not seen it? He was supposed to be smarter than that. Fuck.  _Fuck, fuck, fuck_. He tried to let the sound of the waves wash the shame and terror from his chest. 

It felt like no time had passed when headlights washed over him and a car door slammed. A gentle hand on his shoulder made him flinch a bit, but then Gray was crouched in the sand beside him and looking up at Natsu with concern.  

“Did you take anything else?” He was asking, and Natsu felt like the words were in little bubbles, floating around his head until the entered his ears. “Natsu, look at me.” He blinked slowly, entranced by the way the streetlights made a tiny halo around Gray’s head. There was a hand gripping his chin now, and Gray’s voice was so soft. “Natsu, did you take something?”  

“N…no,” he managed, then frowned. “Yes. Guy…at th’club…put somethin’…in my drink.” Gray swore, and Natsu felt another wave of nausea wash over him. Or was it embarrassment? He couldn’t tell.  

“I should take you to the hospital,” Gray said, moving to stand up, but Natsu shook his head frantically, immediately regretting it.  

“Ngggggh…no,” he said softly, grabbing his head with both hands. “No hospital.” His body was starting to feel light. Was he real? “’M okay.” He glanced up at Gray with pleading eyes. He could see indecision flicker across Gray’s face. 

“Fine,” Gray said, looking resigned. “But you’re a fucking idiot. What the hell were you thinking?” He sat down next to Natsu, kicking off his sandals and then stretching out his legs and digging his heels into the sand. Was Gray in his pajamas? Natsu supposed that would make sense since it was probably…actually, he had no idea what time it was. He felt like crying. 

“I…I just wanted…” he stopped, glancing over at Gray. The dark-haired boy was staring out at the horizon, hair messy and eyes heavy with sleep. “I wanted to feel alive.” Gray sighed then, softly, and knocked his shoulder against Natsu’s.  

“There’s better ways to do that than sneaking into a club and getting wasted,” he said, but his voice was gentle. “Did he…do anything to you?” Natsu frowned.  

“N…no.” He rubbed his face. “I made him crash his car.”  

“You  _what_?” Gray looked up at him, incredulous.  

“I t-told him I changed my m-mind, but he wasn’t listening.” He could feel the tension radiating off Gray now. “I kinda panicked.” Gray exhaled softly.  

“Are you okay? Physically, I mean, you’re obviously not okay emotionally.” Natsu scoffed, leaning forward and resting his head on his knees. The air off the ocean was helping bring him back to reality, but he still felt fuzzy.  

“Yeah, fine,” he said softly. Gray nodded. They sat there for a while, shoulders still touching, until Natsu’s head began to bob forward with sleep.  

“Alright, up you get,” Gray grumbled, pulling himself to his feet and wrapping Natsu’s arm around his shoulders. “And I  _will_ take you to the hospital if I think you need it.” Natsu protested softly but Gray ignored him, helping him back to the Buick where he deposited the pink-haired boy in the front seat.  

"Where's home?" He asked, and Natsu gazed up at him blearily, shaking his head.  

"No home," he whispered, feeling a heavy weight in his chest. Gray nodded, then threw the car in reverse and pulled away from the beach. 

Natsu sighed, leaning against the window as they rolled away from the pier. He watched the lights pass by again, this time feeling a sense of contentment and safety. He was half-asleep when they parked, and remembered leaning heavily on Gray while they headed up a set of stairs. Then there was a glass of water, and a warm bed, and as soon as he hit the pillow he was asleep.  

 

* * *

 

The next morning, Natsu woke to a purring cat curled up against him.  

“Hello, kitty,” he mumbled, mouth thick and fuzzy. The cat  _mrowled_ at him, butting its head up against his hand as he petted it. He blinked a few times, vaguely recalling going drinking last night, then groaned. What the fuck had he done?  

He rolled over, seeing a glass of water and a couple of white pills on the nightstand, along with a note.  

 _I’m down at the pool,_ it said in Gray’s neat, precise handwriting.  _There’s coffee in the kitchen, help yourself to breakfast. I’ll be back around ten or you can come down, pool is on the second floor._  

Natsu sat up slowly, feeling the headache race up the back of his head and pound into his temples. He groaned, breathing heavily and trying not to puke. Popping the aspirin into his mouth, he washed them down with the water, then swung his legs up over the edge of the bed and stood. His legs were shaky at first, but it wasn’t the worst hangover he’d ever had. 

He looked around at the bedroom. Was this Gray’s house? Where were his parents? Did they know about the drunk – and probably high – boy that he brought home last night? When he glanced down he realized that he was still in his sweater and jeans, which was a relief. At least Gray hadn’t tried to undress him. He flushed as he realized that he wouldn’t mind if Gray  _did_ try to undress him – when he was sober, anyway.  

The cat jumped off the bed and sauntered out of the room, so Natsu followed it into a modern-looking kitchen. A three-quarters full pot of coffee was sitting on the counter, with a mug set out next to it. Natsu hesitated. He  _did_ want the coffee, but he also didn’t want to answer Gray’s questions about what happened last night. He felt shame, embarrassment and nausea all welling up inside of him as he realized what had happened.  

Leaving the coffee alone, he grabbed his shoes from the front door and headed out into the hallway, taking the elevator down to the second floor. The pool was the first door he saw, and Natsu peered through the small window next to it. Gray was swimming laps, and when he reached the end of the pool nearest the door, he slowly pulled himself out of the water and stood up, shaking the water from his hair.  

Natsu gaped. There was no denying it this time, he was  _definitely_ ogling Gray. While he was disappointed that Gray was wearing a t-shirt and was not topless, the wet fabric clung to his body in  _very_ appealing ways. His swim trunks sat low on his body, and where his shirt rode up, Natsu could see the edge of his hipbone curving tantalizingly downward.  _Holy shit._  

He hesitated for a moment, fingers on the door handle, then took a step back and sighed. Gray deserved better. He shouldn’t have had to get up in the middle of the night to pick up a drunk waste of a human being, and he shouldn’t have to deal with his shit the morning after. He took one last look at Gray towelling off, then reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. 

 _thanks for the save,_ he texted, hands trembling, as he walked down the hallway and headed for the stairs.  _see you on monday_.  


	7. could i have been the one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gray is worried and talks to his sister.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've added in some actual French for flavor, but just assume that anytime Ultear, Gray, or Sylvie speaks, it's entirely in French. All French translations are there in hovertext or at the bottom.

_a thousand other boys could never reach you_  
_how could i have been the one?_  
\- Goo Goo Dolls, "Black Balloon"

Gray was disappointed but not surprised to see the text from Natsu when he finally made it back to the apartment. He sighed, pouring himself another cup of coffee and then heading to the living room, where he slumped down on the couch and tucked his legs up underneath him.

He pulled out his phone again, typing up a response to Natsu. _You gonna be okay?_ What the hell had he been thinking? If Gray hadn’t texted him, that guy could have taken him home and…well, Gray didn’t want to think about that. He flipped back to his contacts list and hovered over Lucy’s name.

 _Hey, it’s Gray. Have you talked to Natsu lately?_ He knew that Lucy had a much longer and more involved friendship with Natsu than he did, but Lucy hadn’t picked him up last night while he was drunk and drugged. _He seems out of it. I’m kinda worried about him._

He didn’t receive any response, but he figured she was probably busy with Kaden. He sighed, running his fingers through his slowly-drying hair. His shoulder throbbed with a mild ache – swimming usually strained it, but his physiotherapist said it was good for the muscle. It had actually been feeling better lately. 

A trilling ringtone sounded from the tablet on the coffee table, and he picked it up, realizing someone was Skyping him. Ultear. He smiled, swiping to answer.

“Uncle Gray!” His niece Sylvie appeared on the screen, dark hair wild and messy, face sticky with some sort of food. “ __” Gray laughed.

“I can see you had pancakes for breakfast, __” he replied in French. “You have syrup on your face!” She stuck her tongue out at him and he returned the gesture. “What are _maman_ and _papa_ doing?”

“Papa cleaning,” she replied, dropping the tablet and then setting it on the counter again. Gray could see Ultear in the background, rounding up the other kids.

“ _Bonjour_ , baby brother!” She called out, grabbing a piece of Lego away from the baby and placing him in the middle of the living room. “How are you feeling today?” Gray considered the question for a moment.

“Pain’s about a three right now,” he said finally. “I just got back from swimming. Otherwise…maybe a five?” Ultear looked concerned, settling down on the floor next to Sylvie and peering at Gray.

“You were doing a lot better earlier in the week,” she said, frowning. “What’s going on?”

Gray hesitated. He’d been doing these check-ins with his sister ever since he had moved back into his own apartment a few months ago. He was generally honest with her – she was a social worker and had seen a lot of worst-case scenarios, so he didn’t feel like she judged him too much. He just wasn’t sure how much he should say about Natsu.

“I’m worried about my friend,” he said finally, chewing on his nail. Happy jumped up onto his lap and meowed at him, much to Sylvie’s delight.

“The guitar player?” Gray blushed. He hadn’t meant to let that detail slip – he was happy to tell Ultear about his friends, but not necessarily his crushes. He nodded, though.

“I…” he tapped his fingers against his leg. “Can Xavier take Sylvie for a minute?” Ultear glanced over at the toddler, then nodded, motioning at her husband. Sylvie pouted, but waved at Gray and giggled when he blew her a kiss. When she was out of the frame, Gray sighed. “I had to pick him up last night. He’s underage, he must have a fake ID and went drinking and got…” he paused for a second, uncertain of the word for ‘roofie’ in French. “Someone put something in his drink.” Ultear kept her face neutral.

“Is he okay?” She asked. Gray bobbed his head uncertainly.

“I’m not sure. I…brought him back here.” His cheeks flushed bright red. “It was three in the morning, I didn’t know what else to do. I gave him some aspirin and water…he was pretty much unconscious when we got back here anyway.” He stroked Happy’s head and the cat purred appreciatively. “I was swimming when he woke up…I left him a note but he just took off.”

“Do you know if he’s safe now?” Gray shook his head.

“I dunno.” He hesitated. “I’ve been driving him after group, but he always gets me to drop him off at a café or something…I don’t think he goes home at night.”

“What makes you think that?”

“He’s...always wearing the same clothes, and sometimes he just looks…like he hasn’t brushed his hair or shaved or whatever. I dunno what’s going on at home for him, he never talks about it.” Ultear nodded. “He’s all over the place, too. Like, a couple weeks ago he was practically bouncing off shit and wouldn’t shut up, and then yesterday he yelled at his best friend. And now the drinking.”

“Those do sound like troubling behaviours,” Ultear said, giving Gray a contemplative stare. “I’m not a psychiatrist, but it sounds like something might be going on mentally. Sometimes those kinds of illnesses will cause people to take…dangerous risks.”

Gray’s phone dinged suddenly, and he glanced down. Unfortunately it wasn’t Natsu – it was a response from Lucy.

 _I haven’t heard from him since group yesterday_ , she wrote. _He gets these moods, Gray, it’s happened before. He’ll tell you about it when he’s ready._

Gray snorted _. Yeah, well, I think I’m justified in wanting to know what the hell is going on when I’m the one taking care of him when he’s wasted_ , he thought. He knew that was unfair, that Lucy didn’t have a car, and that her friendship with Natsu worked in different ways. He didn’t want to tell her about last night – Natsu would probably be pissed if he did – but he was also scared of it happening again. Why did it seem like he was the only one concerned about this?

“What are you thinking about?” Ultear asked softly, and he glanced back up at the tablet, blinking.

“His other friends say he gets moody like this and it’s normal for him, but…I’m worried he’s gonna do something stupid.” He chewed on his lip.

“You can’t save him, Gray,” Ultear cautioned gently. “No matter how much you care for him.” Gray felt himself blushing again, but he glared at her stubbornly.

“I’m not trying to save him.” Happy meowed in agreement. “You keep telling me to meet people and make friends, and I am. And now I think my friend is in trouble and I want to help him.”

“Why don’t you ask him to do something else this evening?” She suggested. “Something safe, that will keep him out of trouble, so to speak.” Gray sighed.

“I think he’s embarrassed,” he replied sadly. “Right now he’s not even answering my texts. I don’t think he wants to see me.”

“I don’t know if there’s much you can do, then.” Ultear stood up and moved to a chair, balancing the tablet on her knees. She looked tired. “If you think he’s being abused at home, you can report it.” Gray shook his head.

“I have no idea,” he said, stretching his shoulder out again and wincing. “I’ve never seen bruises or anything. Maybe he does go home. I guess I don’t know him very well.” He took a sip of his coffee and sighed. “Maybe I’m just worrying for nothing.”

“You’re a good person, Gray,” Ultear said, smiling at him. He felt himself blush. “You care deeply for other people. It’s your best quality.” He looked away from the screen, not sure what to say. “Thank you for trusting me with this.” Her voice was soft and sincere, and it made him feel strange. “It means so much to me.”

“I should get going, I have to work this morning.” The affection in her voice made him feel uncomfortable, and he wasn’t sure why.

“Not a problem. Are you coming over Tuesday evening? Sylvie has been asking for you to watch _Frozen_ with her again.” Gray laughed, taking another sip of his coffee.

“Tell her I wouldn’t miss it,” he replied.

“See you then. __.”

“I love you too,” he said quietly, feeling very alone as the screen went dark.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **French Translations**  
>  Mangé crêpes pour déjeuner! - Ate pancakes for breakfast!  
> Coco - sweetheart  
> Bonne chance, je t’aime. - Good luck, I love you.


	8. unwell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natsu is crashing hard. Gray just wants to help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for physical abuse, homophobic slurs, and references to self-harm.

_i'm not crazy, i'm just a little unwell_  
_i know right now you can't tell_  
_but stay a while and maybe then you'll see_  
_a different side of me_  
\- Matchbox Twenty, "Unwell"

The morning air was cold, and Natsu pulled his hoodie tighter around him as thick, heavy flakes drifted down onto his hair. Christmas was only a week away, and the main street was decorated with multicolored lights, angels, and...snowflakes.

Natsu growled, shaking the image of Gray's concerned eyes from his head. He was still fuzzy from whatever had been in his drink last night, and his memories were hazy. The clearest thing was Gray's voice, full of worry and unease, asking if Natsu was okay. Natsu vaguely recalled the car crash and running to the beach, but everything after that was...murky.

His stomach growled and he sighed, pulling out his wallet and feeling unsurprised to find it empty. He _should_ have a monthly allowance from the government for living in care, but since it was paid to the foster parent, he saw exactly none of it. Don's drinking habit helped Natsu get a few bucks a week from the bottle depot, but other than that, his options were limited. He tapped his fingers against his palm pensively. There was one other way to get money, but it meant going home and possibly running into Don.

He ended up swiping someone’s order from Starbucks - it was surprisingly easy to claim that his name was "Dylan" (who was serendipitously in the washroom), and that yes, he had ordered a bagel and a caramel macchiato. It was the perfect combination of sugar and caffeine, and he sipped it slowly as he meandered down the street.

His phone buzzed and he glanced down at it. Gray. _You gonna be okay?_ He sighed, snapping the phone shut and shoving it in his pocket.

 _Stop caring_ , he thought. _I don’t deserve it._ He felt a tightness in his chest – the darkness slowly creeping in again, laughing at his failures from the night before and promising to take good care of him now.  
  
His fingers itched to respond to Gray's message, to say, _no, I'm not okay, I'm crashing hard and I don't know what to do_. But the darkness whispered to him instead. _He doesn't care_ , it said. _After last night, he knows what a fuckup you are. He knows you're worthless._

Natsu set his jaw, dashing across the street to the surprise of several vehicles, which blared their horns at him angrily. A bus was idling at the stop, orange numbers illuminating the way home. Natsu slipped on while the driver was busy smoking, and found a seat in the back where he curled up with his breakfast.

The trip took just over an hour, and he spent the entire time polishing his sketch of Gray from last week. Focusing on the cut of Gray’s jaw, the curve of his neck, the angle of his fingers – it kept him from thinking about what he was getting himself into. Sketching Gray's features made Natsu think about seeing him at the pool, water dripping from his wet, tight-fitting shirt...he shook his head. Now was not the time.

When he finally got off the bus and saw Don’s truck in the driveway, he groaned. _Fuck_. He glanced in the front window and saw his foster father sprawled in a recliner, whiskey in hand, watching some sports channel on the TV. If he was quiet enough, Natsu might be able to sneak in the back door, grab what he needed, and get out again without being noticed.

The back door squeaked, but Don didn’t appear to hear it since he didn’t shout. Natsu crossed his fingers and dashed down the hallway until he was outside his room. It was tiny and cramped, and didn’t look lived in. Sighing, he slipped inside, grabbing some clean clothes and depositing his dirty ones in the laundry basket.

From there, he snuck into Don’s room – thankfully he had forgotten to lock it. He dodged the empty bottles and dirty laundry until he was in the ensuite bathroom, opening the medicine cabinet and rummaging around until he found the container he was looking for. _Perfect_. He shoved it in his backpack and began the trip back out.

“NATSU!” _Fuck_. He had almost made it when Don’s gravelly voice echoed through the dirty kitchen. Natsu bit his lip, contemplating just running for it. There was a handful of change next to the ashtray, it might be enough for a bus back down to central city. “Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” Don lumbered into the kitchen, eyes already red with drink, and stared down at Natsu with disdain.

Natsu stayed silent. Everyone told him he talked to much, but this was the one place where silence could potentially keep him safe. He dropped his eyes to the floor, keeping the ashtray in his peripheral vision. He might be able to slip past Don if he was fast enough.

“Finally decided to come home, eh?” Don scowled at him, waving his bottle in the air for emphasis. “You off fucking around with boys again?” Natsu winced, unconsciously bringing his arms up to protect his chest. Don knew he wore long sleeves to hide the scars, so bruises there would stay out of sight as well. “Answer me, you queer.”

Natsu took a deep breath, then dashed across the kitchen and swerved around Don, grabbing the change as he did so. He had almost made it to the door when Don grabbed him by his backpack and yanked him backwards, throwing him into the wall.

“You ungrateful little shit.” Don snarled as he grabbed Natsu by the front of his hoodie, slamming his head back into the wall so hard he saw stars. He cried out in pain as Don backhanded him, heavy gold ring slamming into his jaw with a loud crack.

 _It doesn’t matter_ , he thought, trying to breathe through the pain. _It doesn’t matter. It’ll be over soon_. Another fist, this time to his cheek, and he doubled over, feeling like he might vomit. _It doesn’t matter. It’s just pain._

“You know what, just get the fuck out of here,” Don growled, opening the screen door and shoving Natsu outside. “You’re almost an adult. You think you’re so smart, go survive on your own.”

Natsu gasped, stumbling backward and then turning from the house and _fleeing_ with an intensity he didn’t know he had. He flew past the bus station, blood running from his nose, jaw blooming with pain, tears streaming down his cheeks. His worn sneakers slapped the pavement, and his lungs burned from the exertion. Finally, when he couldn’t run anymore, he collapsed on a bench and sat there, trembling.

“Fuck,” he whispered, pulling his knees to his chest and taking deep breaths, entire body shaking. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.” His face ached, and he wiped the blood from his nose with the back of his hand.

Natsu pulled his phone out of his pocket, barely able to open it with his shaking hands, and thumbed through his contacts. His thumb hovered over Lucy’s name, but the thought of her father’s disappointed face filled him with dread. He scrolled down until he found SNOWFLAKE.

_i need help._

His thumb hovered over the “send” button. Was this smart? He had never told anyone about Don, even though he knew that Lucy suspected. Shivering, he looked around. It was getting too cold to sleep outside, and he still didn’t have any money for food. He was getting desperate. He took a breath and went to send the message, but his phone went dark in his hand.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Natsu whispered desperately, pressing the power button over and over. His chest felt tight, and the darkness was spreading again, an uncontrollable heaviness in his limbs. He felt the tears starting again, hot and thick, and he threw his phone to the ground.

 _It doesn’t matter_ , he thought, curling up on the bench with his backpack underneath his head and sobbing softly. _It doesn’t matter. It’s just pain._

 

* * *

 

When he finally woke up, he pulled himself together and headed to the area of central city where he knew he could find someone to buy some of the pills he’d swiped from Don’s room. His skin crawled when he took the money, revulsion and shame winding their way up his arms and into his bloodstream.

It had been enough for a meal and a phone charger. He’d eaten in the corner of the restaurant, and when the light on his phone finally turned green, he flipped it open to see the unsent message to Gray. He deleted it angrily. What had he been thinking? He’d missed several messages, all from Gray, and his heart clenched as he read them.

 _Please just let me know you’re okay. I’m really worried about you._  
_If you need a place to stay, my couch is always free._  
_Natsu, are you okay? Are you safe?_

He deleted them all.

 

* * *

 

“Are you _shaving_?” Natsu jumped at the unexpected voice and the razor slid under his skin, blood bubbling around the cut.

“Fuck.” He set the razor down, grabbing a piece of paper towel and dabbing the wound. He could see Gray’s perplexed reflection in the mirror behind him, door to the youth centre bathroom half-open. “No, I’m summoning Satan,” he muttered. “Of course I’m shaving.” He removed the towel and watched the blood bead up again, spilling down his chin. It made him feel…uneasy. The heaviness in his chest was pressing down hard, and this wasn’t helping.

“Sorry,” Gray said softly, still staring. “I didn’t mean to scare you.” His gaze trailed over the purple and black bruise that ran from Natsu’s temple to his jaw, and bloomed under his eye. “Holy shit, what happened?”

“I got punched in the face,” Natsu replied sarcastically. He wiped away the blood with his fingers and swallowed hard, thinking of it spilling from somewhere else. “Are you just gonna stand there and stare at me or are you gonna piss?” His voice was tight and he knew he was being an asshole, but he didn’t care. Something dark had settled into his bones, and he didn’t have the patience to be kind.

“Y-yeah, sorry,” Gray stammered, dropping his gaze and slipping into one of the stalls. Natsu sighed, picking up the razor and scraping the last of the stubble from his chin. He rinsed it, then stood for a moment, staring at the blades. It would be easy to peel them out, to run the sharp edges down his arms, to fucking feel something other than this goddamn buzzing in his head.

“Seriously, are you okay?” Gray was there again, washing his hands at the sink, watching Natsu stare angrily at his razor. Natsu growled, shoving it and the shaving cream back into his backpack and splashing water over his face. “Who hit you? Did you…not sleep at home?”

“I was sick, and I stayed over at a friend’s place,” Natsu lied, voice sharp with irritation. He ignored the first question. “Forgot to shave before I left. Can I go now, or are you gonna continue the goddamn Spanish Inquisition?” Regret flooded his body before he even finished the sentence, but he just couldn’t stop.

Surprisingly, Gray didn’t look irritated. Instead, he wore that same _concerned_ expression that everyone had when they looked at him. All furrowed brows and sad eyes and pursed lips, like _hey, look at this fuckup, isn’t it sad how badly he’s messed up his life?_ Natsu wanted to punch it off Gray’s face, and before he knew it, his fist was flying through the air.

“What the fuck?!” Gray staggered backwards, hand rising to his split lip, brow furrowed. Natsu blinked, looking down at his clenched hand with a mixture of surprise and remorse.

“Shit…I-I’m sorry…” he stammered, backing away until he hit the wall. “Fuck, I’m…I…I didn’t mean…” The buzzing was louder now, drowning out everything, running through his body and he just wanted it to _stop, stop, it’s too loud._

“It’s…okay,” Gray said slowly, wiping the blood from his lip with the back of his hand. “Seriously, you don’t seem okay.” He sighed. “I…I’m worried about you.”

“You shouldn’t be.” Natsu’s voice was flat now, fighting through the thickness in his throat. “Just haven’t been sleeping well. I’m fine.” He scrubbed his face with one hand. Gray didn’t say anything.

 _Just leave,_ Natsu thought, trying to ignore the tiny pinpricks dancing across his skin. _I need to make this go away._ A thought was building in the back of his mind, had been since Friday – he _knew_ how to make it all stop. The knowledge settled in his stomach next to the darkness, nestling into it like a familiar lover.

“Okay,” Gray said finally, tucking his hands into his pockets. “But…if you, y’know, need to talk. I’m…not the worst listener.” Natsu laughed a little at that, finally making eye contact with his friend. Gray grinned at him, even through the split lip, and it broke through the darkness for just a moment.

 _I'm sorry_ , Natsu thought. _I hope you can forgive me_.


	9. innocent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucy and Gray receive strange texts from Natsu and try to figure out how to help him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a really heavy chapter, please take care of yourself while reading. 
> 
> TW for 

_i remember feeling low_  
_i remember losing hope_  
_i remember all the feelings and_  
_the day they stopped_  
\- Our Lady Peace, "Innocent"

 

When Gray’s phone rang that evening and Lucy’s name popped up on the caller ID, he immediately knew something was wrong.  

“Is Natsu with you?” Her voice sounded strained. 

“No,” he replied, pushing his computer chair away from his desk. “I offered him a ride home after group and he said he was staying there to work on some new music.”  

Natsu had been uncharacteristically quiet after their encounter in the bathroom that morning, declining to share in group and then spending practice time in the corner, scribbling in his notebook. The strangest thing of all had been the way Natsu had grabbed Gray's wrist as he had turned to leave, then pulled Gray into an awkward side hug and whispered  _thank you_  into his ear.  

“I just sent you a screenshot.” Gray pulled his phone away from his ear, flipped the sound to speakerphone, and opened his texts. Lucy had sent him an image of her message history with Natsu, centered on the most recent text from him.  

_i’m sorry for everything, luce. your a great friend. its not your fault._ Gray's breath caught in his chest, and a chill ran up his arms. His text alert dinged again, and he saw a message from Natsu pop up.  

_thanks for taking care of me. your a good person. its not your fault._  

“Shit,” he swore, typing out a quick reply.  _Where are you? I’m coming to get you. Don't do anything stupid._ “He just texted me too.” He could hear Lucy let out a shuddering sob on her end of the phone.  

“I’m so scared,” she whispered. “You were right. This is worse than before.”  

“He ran out of time to tell me about that on his own terms,” Gray growled, grabbing his jacket and keys and darting down the stairs two at a time. “What’s going on with him?” Lucy sniffed.  

“He’s bipolar,” she said softly. “He…had a really bad bit a while back, and hurt himself pretty badly.” She paused for a second. “He has meds now but I dunno if he’s taking them.” Gray threw his car door open, slid into the driver’s seat, and tucked his phone into the breast pocket of his jacket so he could still hear Lucy.  

“I’m on my way back to the centre, hopefully he's still there,” he said, slamming the car into drive and pulling a u-turn out of his parking spot. “I should be there in fifteen minutes, less if I don’t hit any reds.”  _I’ll blow through them anyway,_ he thought. “You call the police.”  

“B-but…” Lucy faltered. “The police will call his foster dad.” Gray took a deep breath, clenching his hands around the steering wheel and sliding through a yellow light. The road was icy tonight, and the swirling snow made it hard to see. 

“Is that who hit him?” His voice was hard and angry, and he knew it wasn’t fair to Lucy but he was just so fucking  _scared_.  

“I…I think so.” She sounded so broken and dejected, and he could hear her crying now. “He n-never t-tells me anything.” Gray glanced around for cop cars before blowing through a stop sign. “My dad won’t help, h-he just says N-natsu is a bad influence.”  

“It’s not your fault,” Gray said, softening his voice as he echoed the sentiment in Natsu’s text. He tried to remember that Lucy was only sixteen, scared and uncertain. “I’ll be there soon, and I’ll text you as soon as I know anything.”  

“Thank you, Gray.” She took a shaky breath. “You’re a good person.” Gray snorted. Why did people keep telling him that? “I’ll let you know if I hear from him again.”  

Gray hung up and immediately tried to call Natsu, only to reach the irritating  _the number you dialed is currently unavailable, please try again later_ message that made him want to throw his phone out the window. He send another text with one hand while navigating the roads with the other.  _Answer your phone. Please._  

When he finally arrived at the youth centre, he threw the car into park and jumped out, dashing across the parking lot and slamming the front door open. It was getting late – almost ten thirty, but there was always someone here until midnight.  

“Natsu?” Gray shouted, peeking into the common room but seeing nobody except Graham – one of the youth supervisors. “Graham, have you seen a kid with pink hair? Bit shorter than me, piercings?” The man looked up from his phone and nodded.  

“Yeah, it was half an hour ago maybe? I think he was heading to the art room.” Gray didn’t bother thanking him, just dashed down the corridor, heart pounding.  

“Natsu! You in here?” The tables in the art room were mostly cleared, but Gray’s sharp eyes found a familiar black backpack shoved underneath a table in the corner. As he approached, Gray realized that Natsu’s notebook was laying on the table, open to the assignment from group today. 

**_i cant forgive myself…_ **    
_for letting Don hit me_    
_for not fighting back_    
_for having a fucked up brain_    
_for making Gray take care of me when i was wasted cause i don’t deserve it_  

Gray's chest ached as he read the words. The list was long, but at the very bottom, two lines stood out.  

_for being too weak to do it right the first time_    
_for leaving a mess behind for someone else to find_  

The last word was smeared, and Gray felt the unease under his skin become icy dread. He glanced around the classroom again, then his gaze fell on the unused storage room at the back. It was closed, which wasn’t abnormal, but Gray could see a light underneath the door.  _Shit._ Gray pushed over a chair and skidded over to the  door, trying the handle. Locked.  

"Natsu!" His voice sounded strange in his own ears. "Natsu, are you in there?" He banged on the door again and got no response, but when he bent down, he could see a dark silhouette. "Natsu!" No answer. Panic raced through Gray’s body, and he jiggled the handle again. "Natsu, open the fucking door!"  

This time, he heard a soft voice slurring words together.  

"Fuck." Gray wrenched on the handle, but the door stayed locked. "Natsu! Can you hear me? Open the door!" No response. Gray growled and then slammed his shoulder into the door, grunting as pain raced down his side. He shook it off and did it again, this time hearing a satisfying  _crack_  as the wood began to give way. He switched shoulders and threw himself forward one last time, stumbling forward as the lock broke and the door swung open.  

"Holy shit." Gray dropped to his knees next to Natsu, who was leaning against the wall and gazing ahead of him, eyes unfocused. He cradled his left arm next to his stomach, and Gray could see a deep, jagged gash running from Natsu's wrist to the middle of his forearm. Blood spilled down over the pink-haired boy's legs and was pooling on the floor. Gray felt faint, like he couldn’t suck in enough air.  

Natsu made a weak sound of confusion, and it snapped Gray out of his shock. He whipped out his phone and dialed 9-1-1, setting it on the floor and turning it to speakerphone. Then he tore off his hoodie and pressed it against Natsu's arm.  

“GRAHAM!” He shouted, unsure if the other man would hear him. “You’re gonna be okay,” he whispered to Natsu, who blinked at him slowly. God, he hoped he wasn’t lying.  

"9-1-1, do you need police, fire or ambulance?" The woman's voice was tinny.  

"A-ambulance," Gray replied, trying to take deep breaths. Natsu wasn't resisting, just gazing at him with his eyebrows furrowed. His skin was clammy and he had started to shiver.  

"What is the address of your emergency?"  

“M-magnolia Youth Center.” His hands were shaking so badly that he could barely hold the sweater in place, and he could feel the blood soaking through it already. “Th-there’s someone else h-here but I d-don’t think he c-can hear me…” He leaned out of the room again and called for Graham.  

"What's your name, sir?"  

"G-gray. M-my friend – tried to kill himself, he's bleeding everywhere and I don't know how to stop it." Panic was creeping into his voice. He suddenly noticed a small razor blade in Natsu's right hand and he grabbed it angrily, throwing it across the bathroom. Natsu didn’t react. 

"Alright Gray, an ambulance is on its way, it should arrive in less than two minutes. I need you to stay calm for me, okay?” Gray didn’t respond. He was NOT calm. “Are you putting pressure on the wound?" Gray mumbled an affirmative. "Good. What’s your friend's name?” 

"N-n-natsu." Gray reached up and tapped Natsu's face a couple times, feeling somewhat encouraged when the slow gaze moved toward his. Natsu’s pupils were tiny points, barely visible in the seas of his irises. “Look at me, buddy,” he whispered. “C’mon…” 

"So he has physically harmed himself? Has he taken anything – pills or alcohol?"  

"Uh, yeah, he...he c-cut his arm, it's r-really deep." Gray tried to keep Natsu's gaze. "He s-seems really out of it, I think he – oh wait, I think I found them." He reached past Natsu's leg and found an empty pill container on the ground. He turned it towards himself with trembling hands. "It's, um...” The name on the label was unfamiliar, and he didn't recognize the medication. He spelled it out to the operator. “Natsu, how many of these did you take?"  

"D’nno," Natsu slurred, head lolling to one side.  _Fuck._  

"T-the bottle says it had sixty in it, I dunno how many he took." He could hear the operator typing something. That couldn't be good.  _Shit, shit, shit_.   

"G-gray," Natsu mumbled, gesturing feebly at the pool of blood surrounding them. Gray could feel it soaking through the knees of his jeans. He breathed deeply to quell his nausea. "'M s-rry."   

“Jesus fucking Christ!” Graham had finally appeared, and was staring at Gray in shock. “Gray, what-” 

“I’m on the phone with 9-1-1, ambulance is on its way, go let them in.” The words came out of Gray’s mouth in a rush, and when Graham hesitated, Gray shouted, “GO!” 

He turned back to Natsu, dropping the pill container and resting his hand on the pink-haired boy’s cheek – he was freezing, and his lips were taking on a bluish tinge. Gray didn’t know much about medicine, but he was fairly certain this wasn’t a good sign.  

“Stay with me,” he whispered, pressing harder on the makeshift bandage around Natsu’s arm. “Please.” Suddenly, Natsu’s breath started to stutter erratically. Gray swore, watching helplessly as Natsu gasped for air.   

“Fuck,” he whispered helplessly. “He’s having trouble breathing. It’s like he’s…drowning or something.” His voice broke and he felt himself starting to cry. “Natsu, c’mon, please…”  

“Is he still conscious?” Natsu’s breathing was shallow now, but he wasn’t struggling, and his eyes were fluttering closed.  

“I don't know,” Gray whispered, his voice catching. “H-he won’t look at me.” He felt himself beginning to hyperventilate.  

“The ambulance is there now.” Gray nodded, hearing the wail of sirens and then a clang as the main door opened.  _Please, please don’t die._  

“In here!” He heard Graham shouting and the sound of footsteps in the hallway. A young woman in a blue uniform slipped into the storage room, followed shortly by a man with dark hair.  

“I can take over from here,” the woman said to Gray gently. He tried to argue, but the dark-haired man pulled Gray away from Natsu’s still body.  

"My name is Matt," he said. "Are you hurt?" Gray didn’t answer, eyes fixed on Natsu. "Okay, we’re going to help your friend right now. Is there someone you need to call?"  

Gray finally looked up at the young man and shook his head. Graham hovered in the background, talking quietly on his cell phone. Probably with the center director.  

“Matt, I need oxygen,” the female paramedic demanded. Matt placed a gentle hand on Gray’s arm, then moved to help his coworker. A flurry of technical terms flew between them, and Gray backed into the wall and slowly slid down until he was sitting on the floor, staring at his bloody hands.  _Oh my god there was so much blood._  He swallowed down a wave of nausea, tears still rolling down his cheeks. 

“Is he gonna be okay?” His voice was barely more than a whisper, and neither of the paramedics heard him as they lifted Natsu’s unconscious body onto the stretcher. An IV ran from his right hand, and an oxygen mask rested over his face.  

“Are you coming in the ambulance?” Gray stared at Matt for a moment, then nodded slowly. He managed to grab Natsu’s bag on the way out the door, shoving the notebook inside the front pocket.  

He felt like he was sleepwalking as he slid into the passenger seat of the ambulance, Matt hopping in and flipping the sirens on as they sped out of the parking lot and onto the road. Gray sat in the front, resting forearms on his knees, breathing frantic. The woman in the back was yelling things that Gray didn’t understand, but each time he looked back at Natsu, the pink-haired boy’s body was still.  

“Is he dead?” His voice broke and Matt looked over at him.  

“What’s your name?”  

“G-gray.” His hands and jeans were still sticky with Natsu’s blood. His  _blood_. Could you lose that much blood and live? 

“Gray, I need you to take deep breaths. We’re doing everything we can for your friend, but we need you to stay calm. Is there somebody you need to contact?” Gray was about to shake his head, but then he realized – Lucy. He had to tell Lucy. He dug his phone out of his pocket and thumbed to her number, then deleted and rewrote several messages before finally sending one.  

_I found Natsu, it's not good. Can you come to the hospital?_  

His phone chimed almost immediately in response.  _What happened?? Is he okay? I’ll find a way to get there._  

Gray’s fingers hovered over the keyboard. He couldn’t think of any way to succinctly explain the nightmare he was currently living, so he dropped the phone to his lap again and risked another glance back at Natsu.  

"Do you know if he has any ID on him?" Matt looked over at Gray again. He thought for a minute. He knew enough about the child welfare system from Ultear’s horror stories to know that there was no good outcome for Natsu if the hospital knew the truth.  

"I don't think so," Gray lied, wiping his face with the back of his hand. He briefly wondered why he was shivering, then realized that he was only wearing a t-shirt and it was the middle of December.  

Gray took a couple of deep breaths, then pulled out his phone and thumbed through his contacts until he found his sister. 

_._

He didn't have to wait long for her response.  __

_My friend tried to kill himself,_  he continued in French.  _I’m in the ambulance with him. His foster dad **is** abusing him. I don’t know what to do._ Gray stared numbly at the ellipses that blinked in the message window for several seconds, waiting for a reply.   

__

_Oh, Gray. Are you alright? I can meet you at the ER._  

__

_Please. And no, I’m not._  

__

_Stay in the waiting room. I'll come find you._  

__

Gray breathed a small sigh. Maybe Ultear could help.  _If_ Natsu made it. _Fuck_. Just thinking that pushed a fresh set of hot tears down his cheeks. His breath hiccuped, and he could feel Matt looking at him sympathetically. 

__

“Are you his partner?” Matt’s voice was gentle, but Gray barely heard the words, just the pounding of his own heart in his ears. “Try to take deep breaths.”   

__

After several minutes, the ambulance rolled into the bay and the two EMTs jumped out, wheeling Natsu into the triage area. Gray stumbled along behind them uncertainly. Matt leaned over and said something to the plump, friendly-looking woman behind the desk, and she glanced over at Gray sympathetically.  

__

“Come here, honey,” she said gently, taking Gray’s arm and leading him to a plastic chair. His limbs felt like lead. “Do you have somebody you can call?” Why did everyone keep asking him that? His chest was so tight; he struggled to suck breath into his lungs.  

__

“Is he gonna be okay?” Nobody would answer him. Everything sounded like he was underwater. The woman gave him a comforting smile.  

__

“The doctors are with him now,” she said, moving back behind her desk and pulling up a computer screen. “They’re going to stabilize him and then someone will come speak with you. Do you have his personal information?” 

__

Gray blinked, realizing he didn’t know Natsu’s address. But he didn’t want to give that anyway. Before he even realized he was speaking, he had given her his own address and phone number. 

__

“Health care card?” She asked, but he shook his head. She typed up a few more things, then gestured behind Gray. “Why don't you head to the washroom and clean yourself up.” Her voice was gentle, and he looked down at his hands, realizing that there was still blood smeared up his forearms.  

__

Gray nodded numbly, then stood and stumbled out into the waiting area, full of coughing and groaning and uncomfortable plastic chairs. Everything seemed to blur in front of him, and he staggered toward the washroom, not stopping until he was locked in a stall. Then he fell to his knees and threw up violently. 

__

His chest shuddered as he grasped the seat, and a fresh wave of nausea flew through him as he realized he was leaving bloody handprints behind.  

__

“Oh, god,” he sobbed, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and collapsing back against the wall. He pulled his knees to his chest, then gagged at the heavy copper tang that saturated the fabric. “FUCK!” A wounded, animal sound tore from his throat as he wrapped his arms around himself, wanting to vomit again but knowing there was nothing left in his stomach.  

__

_Please don’t die, Natsu_. The tears dripped down his chin and began to dot his shirt and arms, and all he could think about was how fucking  _cold_ Natsu had felt.  _Please. I need you to be okay._  

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is dark and really sad, but I promise that this is rock bottom and things will move up from here.


	10. losing this

Natsu was dreaming. He was swimming in the ocean, feet drifting over pieces of seaweed and hands pushing the water away from him. He could taste salt in his mouth, but he wasn't certain if that was from the sea, or from his tears. Waves rocked gently over him, but instead of taking him to shore, they dragged him further and further away, until he could no longer see land. 

The water began to churn violently, and he kicked his feet harder, realizing with a sudden jolt that he didn't know how to swim. The sky began to darken; heavy black clouds rolled over him as if in stop motion. Rain began to patter on the ocean's surface, drops making tiny waves in the infinite vastness of the sea. 

Natsu tried to call for help, but nothing came out of his mouth but tiny bubbles that drifted upward, popping in the rain. The waves became more forceful, slamming into him and pushing his head underwater. He kicked again, struggling to break the surface. Something grabbed his feet, twisted around his ankles, began to pull him downward. 

_...need a transfusion...type him, don’t have his information...massive blood loss..._

Faint sound broke through the crashing waves, like static on a radio, but he was dragged underwater and everything became soft and muted. He found he could keep his eyes open, and to his surprise, the ocean floor looked like Don's house. Natsu kicked at the tendrils around his ankles, trying desperately to swim backwards away from the scene. 

_...gave it to counteract what he took...more oxygen, he's not breathing..._

A hand wrapped around his wrist, cool and comforting, and began to tug him back toward the ocean's surface, but the tendrils resisted. Natsu looked up to see who the hand was attached to, but the figure was backlit by blinding sunlight. He kicked whatever was grabbing his ankles again, then reached out with his other hand and grabbed the mysterious figure's wrist. 

_...he's crashing..._

And then they were on the beach, sitting side by side, and Natsu realized that the figure was Gray. They were holding hands now, fingers intertwined as they gazed out into the sunset. Natsu felt something icy cold flood through his body, centered on his chest, and he placed his hand there in surprise. He could hear a long, thin beeping sound.

"You're dying." It was Gray's body and Gray's face, but not his voice. Natsu frowned, looking at their joined hands. 

"Who are you?" His voice seemed to be working normally now, but everything else felt wrong. This was a different beach, and now it was a parking lot, and now they lay on a hillside, gazing up at an infinite night sky. The stars made indescribably complex patterns, then swirled and reformed into new constellations. 

"You're dying," the voice in Gray's body repeated. He was lying next to Natsu now, and propped himself up on one arm. 

"That was the point," Natsu replied, frowning. The cold was spreading now, and when the numbness spread to his fingertips, he froze. He wanted to feel Gray's hand in his, but blood was running down his arm and over his chest and he couldn't feel anything anymore. 

"You're running out of time," not-Gray said, gazing down at Natsu with an inscrutable expression on his face. Natsu shivered. 

"I'm not ready," he whispered. 

"Good," not-Gray said. The stars above them exploded into millions of tiny pieces as he leaned down and pressed a kiss to Natsu's lips. 


	11. savior

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ultear makes it to the hospital and tries to help Gray. Lucy and Erza show up too.

_That's when_ _I_ _said I don't hate you_ _,_ _boy_    
_I just want to save you_    
_while there's still something left to save_    
\- Rise Against, "Savior" 

Gray had a theory that that hard, orange plastic chairs in the emergency waiting room were designed as a very specific form of torture to discourage anyone from ever seeking medical help. He had found one in the far corner, away from the coughing and sneezing and feeling of  _sickness_ that permeated the room. He couldn’t stop thinking about Natsu, and how still he had been, lying on the stretcher.  

After an hour of swiping through Reddit on his phone in an attempt to distract himself, he heard his name being called, and looked up to see Ultear darting towards him. He felt the tight ball of stress and grief loosen in his chest a bit, and when she sat down next to him and swept him into her arms, he let out a sigh of relief.  

“Gray,” she murmured, placing a hand on the back of his head and stroking his hair. “ _Text with Creator's Style turned off_.” He didn’t even have the energy to be annoyed by the childish nickname. Ultear smelt like vanilla and safety and  _home_ , and he felt himself starting to cry again. “Shhh,  _Text with Creator's Style turned off._ ”  

“ _Text with Creator's Style turned off_ ,” he whispered into her shoulder. It was true, he was terrified. Fear had become the overwhelming emotion over the past hour. The longer he went without knowing what was happening, the worse it became.  

“I know,” Ultear replied, cupping his face in her hands and pressing a kiss to his forehead. “Have your heard anything?” Gray shook his head. He was shivering, and Ultear took off her sweater and laid it across his shoulders. He realized that she was dressed in sweatpants, something she would never leave the house in normally.  

“There was…a lot of blood.” Gray’s voice caught, and he raised a hand to his forehead, screwing his eyes shut. Ultear rested a hand on his shoulder consolingly, and he found himself taking deep breaths, calmed by her presence. After her mom – Gray’s adopted mom – had passed away, Ultear had basically raised him (and Lyon, but he wasn’t going to think about that asshole right now), and she had been with him through most of the worst moments of his life.   

“I can’t imagine what that must have been like,” she said quietly. Gray scrubbed away a few stray tears with the back of his hand. “I want to help,” she continued. “Do you know his last name? I’m going to try to contact his social worker and see what we can do about keeping him away from his guardian.” Gray nodded.  

“I, um…I gave them my information,” he said, gesturing over to the triage desk. “I don’t know his address or anything. I just…I didn’t want them to call his foster dad.” Ultear nodded sympathetically. “His face is…like this huge bruise. It's awful. He beat him really badly.”  

“Sometimes you do what you can to take care of people, even if that’s not how the system wants it to work.” Gray nodded miserably. “Do you know how old he is?”  

“Seventeen,” Gray said. “I think he turns eighteen soon, but I’m not sure.”  

Ultear reached up and stroked Gray’s hair again, and he leaned his face towards her hand. He knew that twenty-one was too old to be cuddling with his sister, but sometimes she felt more like his mother, and right now he just wanted to be hugged. Ultear smiled softly, wrapping her arm around him and pulling his head down onto her shoulder.  

They had been sitting like that for several minutes in comfortable silence when Gray looked up to see Lucy and Erza moving through the emergency room. They both looked exhausted, and Erza appeared to be in her pyjamas.  

“Is he okay?” Lucy’s voice was high and frantic, and Gray bit the inside of his cheek. He couldn’t break down again – he needed to be strong now. He stood up slowly and thought uncertainly about hugging Lucy for a moment. Then she made the decision for him and threw her arms around his waist, burying her face in his chest. “Are  _you_ okay?”  

Gray didn’t answer, just returned the embrace and rested his chin on Lucy’s head, giving Erza a sad, serious look. Her expression was grim, and she turned to introduce herself to Ultear, giving Gray and Lucy a moment.  

When Lucy finally pulled away from him, Gray motioned for her to sit down next to him. She slumped down, rubbing her eyes blearily.  

“I don’t know if he’s okay,” Gray admitted honestly. “The ambulance took him back there…they said they’re stabilizing him.” He clenched his hands into fists and rested them on his lap. “I haven’t heard anything since we got here.” Lucy reached out to put a hand on his knee, but her eyes grew wide and she withdrew.  

“Is…that…” Gray looked down at the bloodstained knees of his jeans and realized belatedly that he should have asked Ultear to bring him clean clothes. He had washed his hands until they were raw, but had no way to get it out of his pants. He swallowed. 

“Y-yeah,” he stammered, and it hit him then that Lucy and Erza had no idea what had actually happened. “He…” Erza crouched down next to him, giving him a worried look. “He t-tried…t-to…he…” Gray’s stomach was in knots, and he felt the nausea returning. He took a deep breath and tried again. “He, um, he tried to…k-kill himself.” Lucy’s heartbroken gasp almost set off his tears again. “I…h-he c-cut himself r-really badly and, um…he t-took some…pills.”  

“You  _found_  him?” Erza asked softly, reaching up and touching his shoulder. Gray nodded.  

“I c-called the ambulance,” he whispered, “but w-what if I was t-too late?” Fear crept up the base of his skull, and he kept his gaze fixed on his clenched hands.  

“It’s not your fault,” Lucy replied, tears spilling from her eyes. She reached over and grabbed one of his hands, squeezing tightly. “He’s sick.” Gray wanted to nod, wanted to agree with her, but all he could think of was how  _stupid_ he had been.  

“I should have known something was wrong,” he whispered, thinking back to Natsu’s erratic behaviour in the washroom this morning.  

“Do you blame me?” Lucy’s voice was soft, and Gray snapped his gaze up to hers.  

“Of course not,” he said roughly. “You couldn’t have kn…oh.” He bit his lip and looked down again.  

“Exactly,” Lucy said gently. “Nobody could have seen it coming. He’s sick, and I’m almost certain he wasn’t taking his meds.” Gray nodded uncertainly. He felt like he should say something about Friday’s incident at the club, but wasn’t sure it was appropriate.  

“Gray, I’m going to go make a call,” Ultear interrupted, giving him a look that said  _keep this between us for now._ He nodded. “You should take a break. Go to the cafeteria and get something to eat.” He nodded and glanced back at Lucy and Erza as Ultear headed out of the room, cellphone in hand.  

“We’ll stay here,” Erza said, smiling gently. “Unless you want one of us to come with you?” He almost shook his head, then reconsidered. Lucy reached over and squeezed his hand.  

“Erza can go with you, I’ll be okay here by myself,” she said, smiling. “I brought my book and my iPad.”  

“How did you get here, anyway?” Gray asked. Lucy looked both proud and slightly chagrined.  

“I kind of…told my father to go fuck himself,” she mumbled. Gray’s eyes widened. “I took Kaden and left.”  

“You  _what_?” Gray felt equal parts impressed and terrified for her. From what she’d said in group so far, he pictured her father as someone you didn’t want to piss off.  

“Yeah, well…I’m tired of him telling me what to do,” Lucy said stubbornly. “I called Loke, he took Kaden, and then Erza picked me up.” Erza smiled at the younger girl proudly.  

“Good for you,” Gray said honestly. “That must have been terrifying.” Lucy gave a grim laugh.  

“This entire evening has been terrifying,” she replied, glancing down at her watch. “Never mind, we’re into the morning already.” Gray found himself yawning as soon as she mentioned how late – or early – it was.  

Erza tugged Gray up to standing, and the two of them headed off to find what would likely be the worst coffee they’d ever had.  

 

* * *

 

“ _Text with Creator's Style turned off,_ ” Ultear said softly, shaking Gray’s shoulder. He groaned, blinking and realizing that he had fallen asleep in the hospital chair. Lucy and Erza were asleep as well – Lucy leaning against him and snoring softly, Erza on the floor and resting against his legs. Ultear smiled softly at them. 

“You have a solution to what?” He groaned, nudging Lucy gently until she was no longer leaning on him. He winced as he sat up, trying to stretch his shoulder but feeling the burn of nerve pain searing through his arm. “ _Text with Creator's Style turned off,_ ” he swore angrily, earning him a look of unimpressed reprimand from his sister. “It hurts and I’m tired, I’m sorry.” She shook her head.  

“You’re an adult, I can’t stop you from cursing anymore,” she smiled. Gray managed to extricate himself from the girls, then followed Ultear out into the hallway. “Still no news?” She asked as they walked down the corridor. He shook his head. 

“I went up and asked once, they said he was still ‘being stabilized’.” Gray sighed. “Honestly, I’m just…so tired.” Ultear gave him a sympathetic look, then frowned at him rubbing his shoulder.  

“Are you taking your medication?” He gave her an exasperated look.  

“Of course,” he replied. “I’m not an idiot.” He  _was_ starting to think longingly of the bottle of Tramadol in his bathroom. “It’s manageable most days, just…stress isn’t great. Being cold either. This is from sitting in that fucking chair.”  

Ultear looked sad for a moment, and Gray sighed.  

“It wasn’t your fault,” he said, just has he had a thousand times before. “He would have found my address one way or another.” Ultear nodded uncertainly. “Plus, I’m the one who opened the door.” He shook his head before the memories could surface, and gestured at the hallway they had just turned down. “Where are we going?”  

“I found Natsu’s social worker,” Ultear replied. “She’s meeting us here. This is a…unique situation.” Gray frowned. “Typically you wouldn’t be allowed to speak to her. All of this should be confidential.”  

They reached a room with the door propped open and slipped inside. A woman in her mid-forties with long, curly brown hair was sitting at the desk with a laptop open in front of her. She looked surprisingly well put-together for someone who was summoned to the hospital at – Gray glanced at his phone – three in the morning.  

“You must be Gray,” she said, standing up and reaching out for his hand. He hesitated, still feeling the ghost of sticky blood between his fingers, but finally reciprocated and shook it. “I’m Richelle. Your sister was telling me about what you did for Natsu. You’ve been incredibly brave, and I can’t imagine how scary this has been for you.” She sad back down and adjusted a notepad in front of her.  

Gray wasn’t certain what to say. Between the fatigue, the terror, and the pain, he wasn’t sure he was up for any kind of conversation right now.  

“Richelle and I have been talking about options for Natsu,” Ultear explained, pulling out a chair for Gray.  

“I want you to know that we have attempted to investigate allegations of abuse against him in the past,” Richelle said gently, tapping her pen against the notepad. “Our system is far from perfect. I want to help every young person that I work with, but unfortunately there are so many, and burden of proof is a difficult thing to carry.”  

Gray felt a flicker of anger in his chest – how could someone  _beating_ Natsu get overlooked? What more proof did they need besides the bruises on his face? But he knew from talking to Ultear that Richelle was right – the system wasn’t perfect and she probably  _was_ trying her best.  

“I have given him another option in the past,” Richelle continued. “Once a youth in the system hits the age of sixteen, they can legally ‘emancipate’ themselves, but it requires that they support themselves without any government assistance.” Gray frowned.  

“Wouldn’t that be impossible since he would have to be in school?” Richelle nodded.  

“Exactly, it is extremely difficult to be successful this way.” She adjusted her glasses on top of her head. “However, he can remain a ward of children’s services, which includes receiving a monthly allowance and other supports, if he finds an adult that we deem ‘safe’ that he can live with until he is eighteen.” Gray blinked.  

“So…he can just choose to live with someone else? Why hasn’t he done that before?” Richelle looked at him sadly.  

“He’s never had anyone else,” she replied. “He has no family, and no adults in his life that could take him in. He's been a ward of children's services for a long time.” Gray’s chest hurt. He missed his parents and his adopted mother every day, but at least he’d  _had_ them. And he’d always had a place to call home.  

“The other complication,” Richelle continued, “is that the hospital has discharge conditions.”  

“What does that mean?”  

“Well, if they don’t decide to commit him involuntarily – which I doubt they would do – then he can’t be released unless he is going home to a responsible adult who will take care of things like medications, keeping him safe, and agreeing to keep an eye out for this kind of behaviour in the next few weeks.”  

“Commit him?” Gray frowned.  

“Keep him in psychiatric care,” Ultear explained. “Involuntarily committing happens when the hospital deems somebody unsafe to themselves or others.” Gray swallowed. He hadn’t even considered that possibility.  

“Like I said,” Richelle continued, “I don’t see that as a likely outcome. The hospital doesn’t have enough beds as it is, and if we can find a stable place for him to stay, then they will discharge him.”  

“So…have you found a place for him?” Gray's question was met with silence and he felt uneasy. Both women were giving him strange looks. “Wait a minute.” He turned to Ultear in surprise. “You’re talking about  _me_?”  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **French Translations**  
>  Petit lapin = little bunny (childish nickname)  
> Je suis là. = I am here.  
> J'ai si peur. = I'm so scared.  
> Je crois avoir trouvé une solution. = I think I found a solution.  
> Osti de tabarnak de câlice = colloquial swearing, closest equivalent would be "motherfucking shit fuck" but it literally means “holy host of the tabernacle of the chalice”. Québec French is really weird and all of our swears are based on Roman Catholicism, so there’s no real direct translation but it’s fairly vulgar. It’s funny when Québécois get really angry and its just a diatribe of religious words.


	12. crash & burn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natsu finally wakes up, and he and Gray discuss his options.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for flashbacks to the suicide attempt.

_let_ _me be the one you call_    
_if you jump,_ _i_ _'_ _ll_ _break your fall_    
_lift you up and fly away with you_    
_into the night_    
_if you need to fall apart_    
_i_ _can mend a broken heart_    
_if you need to crash, then crash and burn_    
_you're not alone_    
\- Savage Garden, "Crash & Burn" 

Natsu was dreaming again. Not-Gray was gone, but so was the blood and the icy feeling in his chest. Instead, he floated through a river on a giant lily pad, drifting back and forth under dappled sunlight.  

“ _?_ ”  

Why was someone in his dream speaking…Spanish? French? He didn’t recognize the words, but the voice was familiar. He sat up on the lily pad and looked around, frowning.  _Gray?_ He thought. A tiny frog, the size and color of a ladybug, jumped into his hand and spoke in a woman's voice.  

“ _.”_  

And then Natsu was falling off the lily pad, trying to keep the tiny frog safe in his hands, and the dream was shattered. He winced as consciousness slammed into him headfirst. His body felt strange, like something soft was tingling through his veins. He groaned a little as he shifted his head, feeling a heavy pressure behind his eyes.  

“ __.” That was definitely Gray’s voice, but the unfamiliar words it spoke were jarring. Was he still dreaming after all?

Natsu blinked a few times, squinting as he opened his eyes. Being awake was terrible. Everything was blurry, and his head felt at least twice the size it should be. He winced and tried to lift a hand to his face, but found it blocked by something. Another hand? And it was attached to…a person. With dark hair.  

“G…ray?” Natsu's voice was rough and the words felt stuck to his tongue, but the image above him gradually resolved into his friend. Gray’s hand rested gently on the back of Natsu’s wrist, and when Natsu looked down, he realized it was to prevent him from pulling out the IV taped there. Why did have an IV? “W…where…”  

“The hospital.” Gray’s voice was softer than Natsu had ever heard it, barely a whisper. Natsu frowned as the hand that had been resting on his wrist slipped into his, fingers curling around his palm. He heard a chair scrape the floor, and Gray slumped down into it, leaning forward onto the bed. “What do you remember?”  

“I…” Natsu felt like he was drowning. Everything was so far away. What had happened? He tried to take a breath but found that it was stuck in his chest. A machine started to beep somewhere close by. 

“It’s okay.” Gray squeezed his hand and Natsu clung to it like a lifeline. “Take deep breaths.” Gray’s other hand came up to gently stroke Natsu’s hair as he struggled to bring his breathing back to normal. “You’re okay, you’re safe.”  

Natsu squeezed Gray’s hand again, feeling a sharp shock of panic as somebody else entered the room.  

“He just woke up,” Gray explained to the taller figure, who was checking the machine and then leaning over Natsu. It was a blonde woman with soft features and a white jacket. A doctor. Was he sick?  

“He’ll likely be disoriented for a bit,” the woman replied, wrapping something around Natsu’s arm. “Can you tell me your name, love?” She had a British accent. Natsu contemplated her question for a moment. She kept moving in and out of focus.  

“N-natsu,” he said finally, still clinging to Gray’s hand. Gray let him, rubbing Natsu's knuckles with his thumb.  

“Good, do you know where you are?” Something squeezed his upper arm tightly and the doctor glanced down at her watch.  

“The…hospital?” He really only knew that because Gray had told him, but she nodded, and the squeezing stopped. Natsu suddenly realized that his left arm  _hurt_  – a deep, throbbing ache. His stomach hurt too, and he felt like he might be sick.  

“Well, Natsu, your friend here saved your life.” The doctor made a note of something on a clipboard and turned to Gray, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. “You’re lucky he found you when he did – we had to do a massive blood transfusion.”  

“Found...blood…what?” Natsu rubbed his eyes, refusing to release his grip on Gray's hand. It felt like the only thing grounding him to reality – without it he was going to just drift away. His head was throbbing now, and the urge to vomit overwhelmed him. 

Before he knew what was happening, the doctor had helped him turn on his side and throw up into some sort of pan. It burned his throat, and he tried to focus on Gray's hand on his lower back, rubbing gentle circles. Hot tears pricked behind his eyes, and he sucked in a shuddering breath. After the waves of nausea passed, he accepted a small cup of water from the doctor.  

"Nausea and vomiting are not uncommon side effects of the medication we gave him for the overdose," the doctor said, but Natsu had the feeling she was talking to Gray and not him. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and sagged back onto the bed. "He'll probably also have stomach cramps, and might be confused for some time." Natsu looked up blearily at Gray, and noticed for the first time that the other boy's eyes were red and swollen.  

"Are...y'kay?" He mumbled. Gray smiled sadly. 

"I will be," Gray said, reaching out and brushing a few sweaty strands of hair back from Natsu's face. Natsu closed his eyes and sighed. A small part of his brain realized that this level of affectionate behavior was out of character for Gray, but another, bigger part of him just revelled in the attention.  

"The psychiatrist will be by later this morning," the doctor was saying, and Natsu frowned. What was his psychiatrist doing here? He was feeling fuzzy again. Why was it so cold?  

The doctor left, and Natsu felt Gray looking at him curiously. Natsu frowned, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to remember what it was that was niggling at the back of his mind.  

"Don," he gasped suddenly, stiffening in panic. "Fuck, he's gonna..." Gray shook his head, gripping Natsu's hand firmly.  

"The hospital didn't notify him," he said, and Natsu exhaled sharply in relief, lying back and closing his eyes. He was so tired. "Go back to sleep, we can talk when you're feeling better." Gray readjusted his hand in Natsu's but didn't let go. Natsu turned to face Gray, frowning uncertainly.  

"Could you..." He trailed off, feeling his cheeks flush with embarrassment.  

"I'm not going anywhere," Gray replied, leaning forward onto the bed again and resting his head next to Natsu' shoulder. "I'll be here when you wake up. I promise."  

 

* * *

 

When Natsu woke up the second time, it was to fine, dark hairs tickling his nose. He looked down and realized that he had shifted in his sleep, and his face was now pressed against the side of Gray's head.  

He sat up slowly, careful not to disturb Gray, and took a few deep breaths to make sure he wasn't going to throw up again. His stomach still felt terrible and his head was pounding, and he still felt uncertain about why he was here. He tried to put the pieces together, frowning at the muddy confusion in his brain. His arm still hurt, and he looked down to see it bandaged from wrist to elbow.  

Then it hit him.  

_Texting Lucy and Gray to say goodbye...sitting on the floor in the storage closet and hoping it wouldn't hurt too badly...feeling the soft buzz as the drugs flooded his system...the blade pushing into his skin and the warmth of his blood as it flooded out of him._  

"Shit." His voice was barely a whisper as he screwed his eyes shut and fought against the pressure of tears behind his eyes. He swallowed a sob, gently disentangling his hand from Gray's so he could bring it up to cover his face.  _What the hell had he done?_  

"Natsu?" Gray's voice was soft with sleep, and Natsu shook his head, bringing his knees up and burying his face in his arms. He felt the tears beginning to spill down his face, and couldn't stop the anguished sound that escaped from his lips.  

The bed dipped as Gray moved from the chair and sat down on the mattress facing Natsu, wrapping his arms around the other boy's shoulders and pulling him into his chest without hesitation. Natsu struggled for a second, but when his head hit Gray's shoulder, the dam broke open and he began to cry in earnest.  

"Deep breaths," Gray whispered, running a comforting hand over Natsu' bask. "You're okay. You're safe." He was quiet for a moment, then added, "I'm here." Natsu breathing came in gasps, heartbroken sobs muffled by Gray's t-shirt. His shoulders shook and he clung to the thin fabric until his hands hurt.  

"I'm...sorry," he choked out, chest trembling as Gray continued to rub his back. 

"I was so scared," Gray whispered, voice breaking. "I th-thought you were dead." Natsu felt Gray's hand move up to wrap around the back of his neck and stroke his hair. He took a shuddering breath, pressing himself even tighter against Gray's chest. "It's okay now," Gray murmured, and Natsu wasn't certain which of them he was trying to reassure. 

Natsu wasn't sure how long they sat like that, him wrapped tightly in Gray's arms, but when they finally broke apart he felt exhausted. He scrubbed his eyes with the heels of his palms, careful not to pull too hard on the IV. Gray stood up and stretched, and Natsu saw him wince at that same familiar place in his shoulder. He was about to ask about it when something hit him.  

"How did you know about Don?" He felt his defenses creeping back up as he realized what a vulnerable position he was actually in. How much did Gray know?  

"I guessed," Gray said slowly. He moved back over to the bed and sat down in the chair. "We can talk about it later. We have more important stuff to talk about right now." Natsu frowned, turning to face Gray. He reached his hand out a little, and was surprised when Gray took it.  

"What do you mean?"  

"We need to talk about where you're gonna go now." Something heavy in Natsu's chest slammed shut. He couldn't let Gray into this fucked up mess. He tried to tug his hand away, but Gray held on tighter. "NO." Natsu looked at his friend in surprise and realized that Gray was glaring at him. "You're not gonna pull this shit where you pretend that you can handle everything on your own. Look where that got you!" 

"Fuck you," Natsu growled,  _knowing_ that he was being an asshole but unable to stop the words from escaping. He tried to look angry, but his terrified stare paled in comparison to Gray's icy gaze.  

"You can call me whatever names you want," Gray said, in a quietly dangerous voice. "You can tell me to fuck off, you can yell at me, you can be angry at me. I don't care. But I am  _never_  going through this again. NEVER." Natsu blinked, reacting to Gray's stare with a tumult of emotions.  

"But..." He swallowed, taking a shaky breath. "I don't...I don't want to...drag you into this..."  

"You already did!" Gray shouted, taking Natsu by surprise. Gray's eyes were brimming with tears again, but his jaw was set in anger. "I got  _dragged into it_  when I found you high and half dead in a puddle of your own fucking blood, you idiot!"  

Natsu froze.  _Found him?_ He'd assumed that Gray had just...what  _had_ he assumed? Fucking hell.  

"You...found me?" Natsu had never expected...never thought... 

"What do you think this is?" He said quietly, gesturing to the dark red splotches on the knees of his pants. Natsu's eyes widened and his heart sank. "I'm not surprised you don't remember." Gray threaded their fingers together, and Natsu was surprised to realize that they were still holding hands. "You were pretty out of it. I had...I broke the door. Y-you..."  

"I'm so sorry." Natsu felt like he was going to be sick again. He ran his thumb over Gray's knuckles, hoping it was enough to communicate how he felt. It must have been, because the anger dissolved from Gray's face and he just looked tired again. 

"Please let me help you," Gray said sadly. "You don't have to do this alone." Natsu sighed.  

"But I've been doing it alone for so long." The words tumbled out of his mouth before he could think about them, and the emotion behind them surprised him. "I've been in eight different foster homes since I was three. This one was okay until his wife died a couple years ago. He started drinking and it just...went to shit." Natsu took a deep breath.  

"You've been living on the street, haven't you?" Natsu didn't look up, just nodded sadly. "Why didn't you say anything?" He shrugged, and Gray sighed. "Listen, my sister is a social worker. She talked to yours – don't even bother getting mad, you can do that later – and they won't send you back to him." Gray's gaze drifted over the bruise on Natsu's face, and he raised a hand to it self-consciously.  

"Th...then where do I go?" His voice sounded small and childish. Gray looked uncomfortable.  

"She said you can stay with a responsible adult that the agency and the hospital agree is safe." He sounded like he was reading from a pamphlet, and Natsu frowned at him.  

"But I don't... _have_ anyone else..." The last word almost formed a question. Gray groaned, burying his face in the side of the bed.  

"I am twenty-one," he mumbled, voice muffled by the blankets. "I have a job and my own apartment, which technically makes me a responsible adult." Natsu blinked as he realized what Gray was implying.  

"You mean...live with you?" He turned the idea over in his head. Gray's head was right next to his arm, and Natsu felt a strong urge to reach out and stroke his hair. He hesitated for a moment, then figured  _fuck it, I can blame it on the drugs later if it gets weird_. Gray stiffened for only a second as Natsu wound his fingers into the soft, thick locks, and then he sighed out loud and leaned into the touch.  

"Yeah," he said, resting his chin on his arm. "You're old enough...there's a word for it, but you basically wouldn't have a guardian anymore. I wouldn't be legally responsible for you or anything, but you'd have to live with me until you turned eighteen." He tipped his head up slightly and met Natsu's gaze. "I know it's not...ideal. I just..." He trailed off, sighing in frustration.  

"Thank you," Natsu whispered. Gray's hair was so soft, like silk under his fingers. He thought he saw a small smile on Gray's face before it became serious again.  

"The psychiatrist is coming in a little bit," he said. "Before they discharge you, they're making up a treatment plan. If you come live with me, you're going to  _have_ to let me help you." Natsu frowned. "They're going to make me lock up the meds and give them to you, and make sure you take them." 

"But they taste like  _ass,_ " Natsu whined, realizing that it was probably the stupidest argument he could make, and Gray actually  _laughed_  at that. Then he was quiet for a moment.  

"What I mean is that there's gonna be rules," he said finally. "And even if you don’t want to take that seriously, I do." Natsu had stopped playing with Gray's hair briefly, and was amused to feel Gray unconsciously nudging him to continue. "I just..." Gray buried his face in his arms again, and Natsu could see that his ears were turning red.  

"I'll follow the rules," Natsu whispered, tentatively trailing one of his fingers behind Gray's ear while he stroked his hair. He felt rather than heard the shaky exhalation. "I don't...I don't wanna be like this." Gray glanced up at him, cheeks pink. "I wanna get better."  

"Good," he said roughly. "Because I, um...I...care about you." He cleared his throat. "A lot."  

Natsu felt tears welling up in his eyes again as he squeezed Gray's hand and smiled down at him.  

"I care about you a lot too."  

  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to touch on the age difference briefly - Gray just turned 21 and Natsu will be 18 soon. Where I'm from, the legal age of consent is 16, and the age of the other partner doesn't matter unless they're someone in a position of power, like a boss or teacher. Those laws are in place to protect vulnerable people against abuse, and that's definitely not what's happening in this story. Hopefully that makes sense! 
> 
> **French Translations**  
>  Alors ils le laisseront partir avec moi? = So they'll let him leave with me?  
> Le medecin aura un plan de traitement, mais il doit se reveiller avant. = The doctor will have a treatment plan, but he has to wake up first.   
> Je crois qu'il se réveille. = I think he's waking up.


	13. swing life away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gray takes Natsu home, and realizes that close quarters might be more difficult than he'd anticipated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW for drug use and terrible experiences in foster care

_I'll show you mine if you show me yours first_    
_Let's compare scars, I'll tell you_ _whose_ _is worse_    
_Let's unwrite_ _these page_ _and replace them with our own words_    
\- Rise Against, "Swing Life Away"  

 

By the time Gray pulled onto the freeway after leaving the hospital, Natsu was asleep. His head rested against the window, knees tucked up on his seat, arms crossed over his stomach. Rattling in the back seat was a bag of pill bottles, plus about fifty pages of discharge instructions, crisis phone numbers, and psychiatric resources.  

Gray sighed, flicking on his wipers to clear away the snow. It was late and he was exhausted, but home wasn't far away so he had refused his sister's offer of help. He could do this. He  _had_ to do this. The doctors had taken some convincing – he wasn't that much older than Natsu, after all – but Richelle had made a compelling case and they had finally agreed to let Natsu leave with him.  

He yawned, turning on the radio to keep himself awake. Christmas carols were playing, and he felt his stomach twist uncomfortably. He wanted to enjoy it – the snow, wrapping gifts, those sickeningly sweet peppermint mochas that Ultear insisted on drinking – but the whole season was marred by the trauma of last year.  

 _…grabbing his scarf from the front closet…a text message on his phone from Ultear telling him to hurry up or he’d miss dinner…a soft knock on his front door…_  

Gray's hands tightened on the steering wheel, and he flipped the radio to a different station. Still Christmas music. He frowned, flicking on his signal light and merging into traffic.  

… _peering out the door to see a shock of white hair and a dark leather jacket…feeling a mix of fear and tentative optimism…hand hesitating over the doorknob, remembering Ultear’s warning that Lyon was unstable and dangerous…ignoring it, and opening the door anyway because it was his **brother** and it was  **Christmas** …_ 

__

Gray snorted at the idiocy of his past self, turning off the radio and making the rest of the drive in silence. The soft, thick flakes of snow outside muffled everything, and Gray felt like he was suffocating. 

"Natsu." He reached over and gently shook Natsu's knee as he pulled into his parking stall and slid the car into park. Natsu grumbled a bit, but didn't open his eyes. The doctor at the hospital had insisted on making Natsu take a sedative before they leftl, and apparently it was stronger than they had anticipated.   

"Natsu, we're here." Natsu mumbled something unintelligible, and Gray rolled his eyes. "Wake up, or I'll open that door and you're gonna fall on your face into the snow." No response.  

Gray sighed. He managed to get the passenger door open  _without_ dropping Natsu into the snow, then tugged him forward until his forehead rested on Gray's chest. Natsu murmured something, burying his face in Gray's hoodie.  

"Work with me here," Gray grumbled, pulling Natsu's arm until it was around his neck, then sliding his arms underneath the pink-haired boy's legs and staggering to his feet. Natsu really wasn't that heavy, and after he kicked the car door shut, Gray made his way into the building.  

Natsu shifted in his arms and nuzzled his face into the crook of Gray's neck, and Gray shivered, exhaling loudly. He knew it wasn't intentional, but the feeling of Natsu's lips on the soft skin there sent electric sparks tingling through his body. He jabbed his finger at the elevator button again, gritting his teeth. This was not the time to be thinking about Natsu's lips.  

When he finally got to the bedroom, he went to lay Natsu on the bed, but Natsu clung tightly to the back of Gray's hoodie and he ended up tumbling down on top of the other boy. He grunted in surprise, ending up on his side with Natsu's hand still fisting into his sweater. Natsu immediately curled up closer, sliding his knee in between Gray's legs and burying his face in the crook of his neck.  

 _Goddamnit_ , Gray thought, wondering if it was even possible to extricate himself from the situation now. The hand that wasn't clinging to his hoodie was now resting on his hip, and even through the thick fabric of his jeans, Gray could feel the heat of Natsu's hand. He swallowed heavily, torn desperately between staying there and moving to the sofa.  

He attempted to squirm away, but Natsu made a soft sound of protest and wrapped his hand firmly around Gray's hip, pulling him closer.  _Shit_. Gray felt his breath quicken, and exhaled in frustration.  _God_ , he wanted this – wanted to pull Natsu closer, wanted to pin him onto the bed beneath him and kiss that ridiculous mouth until they both couldn't breathe. He was so close, and even beneath the tang of the hospital, Natsu smelled like coffee and spice and something that made it incredibly difficult for Gray's brain to function properly. But now...now was not the time. 

"G'sl'p." Natsu's lips moved against his neck and Gray almost moaned out loud. He tried to breathe deeply, and cursed that Natsu could undo him this easily, even in his sleep.  

"I sh-should...c-couch," he managed, and Natsu shook his head sleepily without opening his eyes.  

"'s f'ne," he mumbled, shivering. Gray sighed, reaching down and grabbing the duvet, then pulling it over them both. Natsu made a sound of thanks, then wrapped his arm around Gray and pulled him even closer.  

Gray considered protesting, thought about disentangling their limbs and changing into his pajamas and going to sleep on the couch like he  _should_. But when Natsu whispered, "St'y w'th me...pl'se," Gray gave up and let himself fall asleep.  

 

* * *

 

The next morning, Gray extricated himself from their messy tangle of limbs and spent a  _very_ long time in the shower. When he returned to the bedroom, Natsu was still asleep – sprawled across the mattress, one hand splayed on his stomach, the other tucked under his head. Gray very pointedly did  _not_ look at his stomach where his shirt was riding up, or the curve of his hipbones, or fantasize about kissing him.  

Instead, he wandered into the kitchen and turned on the coffeepot, hoping that the caffeine would bring some semblance of sanity to his brain. His phone, which he had left on the counter overnight, dinged with several new messages.  

Lucy:  _How is he? How are you? Are you coming to group today?_    
Erza:  _You doing ok? We told Cana. Gajeel's a nosy fucker but I threatened to re-break his nose yesterday so I think he'll behave. I don't think Laxus gives a shit._     
Ultear:  _?_  

There was also an e-mail from Mira with arrangements for group for today and Friday. Gray had talked with her about their options yesterday, and the limit on how many days she could waive was three. Christmas break started on Saturday, which meant only two more days of group before a week of holidays, and Mira was allowing them to call in via Skype from the apartment. Gray hadn't gotten around to telling Natsu yet, but he felt it was a better alternative than going in person.  

Grabbing his coffee, Gray hopped up onto one of the kitchen barstools and slid his laptop over, opening up his work e-mail and beginning to sort through what he’d missed in the past couple of days. After half an hour, he heard the bedroom door open.  

"Hey." He looked up at Natsu, who was standing in the doorway looking downcast. "Can I...do you mind if I shower?" He fiddled with the hem of his shirt.  

"Of course," Gray replied, gesturing down the hallway. "Second door on the left. I already put a towel and toothbrush and stuff in there for you, feel free to use whatever's in there." Natsu looked...dejected?  

"Can...I borrow..." His voice trailed off, and Gray realized he wasn't upset, he was embarrassed. "I don't have any clothes." His face went pink.  _Oh_.  

"Richelle, um...she said she's gonna try and get some of your stuff from Don today. But you can wear whatever you want of mine." Natsu peeked up at Gray and looked uncertain. "Nothing too exciting, it's mostly black, sorry."  

"Thank you," Natsu said softly. He turned back into the bedroom, then emerged a moment later with a pile of clothes in his arms and headed to the washroom.  

Gray returned to his e-mails and had finished his first cup of coffee when Natsu came back down the hallway, shirtless and towelling off his hair.  _Goddamnit_. Gray immediately dropped his mug, fingers forgetting how to work properly, but Natsu surged forward and caught it before it hit the floor.  

"Lucky it was empty," he grinned. He set the sweater he had been carrying on the counter and wiped the residual coffee from his arms with the wet towel. Gray attempted heroically to  _not_ stare at Natsu's chest.  

"Mhmm," he agreed, not trusting himself to speak. "You?" Wait, that didn't make sense. "Coffee. You want?"  _Holy fuck, get it together._ Natsu looked at him strangely.  

"Sure. I, uh...can you help me with this?" He looked ashamed again, and Gray looked down to see him gesturing to his arm. "They, uh...said I should leave it covered but the...the bandages got wet."  

"They sent some extra ones," Gray replied, looking around for the bag he had brought up earlier. There were several rolls of gauze inside, and Gray pulled one out. He motioned for Natsu to sit up on one of the stools and hold out his arm.  

"Sorry," Natsu whispered, seeing Gray's expression as he looked down at the wound. The doctors had done an excellent job of cleaning it and stitching it up, but all Gray could think about was how much it had  _bled_. He shook his head, wrapping the gauze around Natsu's arm.  

"It's okay," he replied, feeling Natsu jump when his fingers brushed bare skin. "Sorry, my hands are always cold." Natsu's cheeks were pink, and he merely nodded mutely. When he finished, Natsu smiled up at him, then grabbed the sweater from the counter and tugged it over his head. .  

"I think you might be a  _bit_ taller than me," Natsu teased, gesturing to the sleeves, which hung past his hands. It managed to simultaneously be adorable, and hotter than it had any right to be. Gray reached over and began to roll up the cuffs, and when his fingers brushed the inside of Natsu's wrist, he shivered again. Gray moved to pull his hand away, but Natsu shook his head, grabbing Gray's wrist and putting it back where it had been.  

"'S hard to...do it myself," Natsu said, voice soft. Gray swallowed, turning the cuff again and watching Natsu's face. He was looking at Gray with a strange intensity, and it made Gray feel like he couldn't breathe, like all the air in the room had suddenly disappeared and he was left with nothing but the deep brown of Natsu's eyes.  

Gray felt heat rushing to his cheeks, and he heard himself exhale softly as he moved his thumb down and ran it slowly and purposefully across Natsu's wrist. Natsu's eyes fluttered shut, and he made a quiet, breathy sound. Gray steadied his hand and repeated the action, this time running his fingers down and over the sensitive skin of Natsu's palm. He heard a shaky inhale, and Natsu took a small step closer to him.  

 _I could kiss him_ , Gray thought. They were close enough now that he could see the freckles that dotted Natsu's nose, the soft dust of his eyelashes, the pinkish color of his lips.  _This is a terrible idea. But I cou-_  

 _Bzzzzzzzrt_ _._ Natsu jumped, tugging his arm away from Gray, who blinked as the spell was broken. He looked around wildly for the source of the buzzing, and realized it was the alarm he had set on his phone, to remind Natsu to take his... 

"...pills." He let out an unsteady breath as the blood in his body flowed back into the proper regions, leaving him feeling somewhat stunned. Natsu appeared to be feeling the same way, if the dazed look in his eyes was any indication.  

"I'll, um...I'm gonna go hang this up." Natsu gestured to the wet towel and Gray nodded, still feeling disoriented. "I'll be right back." Gray nodded dumbly, then headed to the lockbox in the office to get Natsu's meds. 

 

* * *

 

Natsu took his pills, complaining that they tasted like chalk, and then the two boys moved into the living room. The tension from earlier seemed to have disappeared, and they sat side by side on the sofa, sipping their coffee. Natsu sighed and leaned his head against Gray's shoulder.  

"Thank you," Natsu whispered. "I...I'm still a bit mixed up. I dunno what to think. But...I'm...glad you saved me." He peeked up at Gray.  "It must have been horrible for you. I'm sorry."  

"It...was," Gray said, looking down at his hands. Natsu shifted until they were facing each other, looking at Gray curiously.  

"What's wrong?" 

Gray paused for a moment, looking over at the pink-haired boy. The bruise under his eye was still purple and red, fading into green as it trailed down the side of his face. Gray reached out gently and ran his finger along the side of it, noting the subtle flinch. Natsu leaned his face into Gray's touch, closing his eyes and exhaling softly.  

"Still hurts," Natsu whispered. Gray removed his hand and placed it on Natsu's knee instead. "It's shit.  _Was_ shit, I guess. Home hasn't ever really been home, though." Gray's felt a heavy ache in his chest. "My...my real parents were drug addicts," Natsu continued softly, closing his eyes. "I got taken away when I was born – my mom was using when she was pregnant. Then she cleaned up for a bit, got me back, then went back to drugs so they took me again when I was two or three."  

Natsu stopped, rubbing his eyes. Gray hesitated for a moment, then tugged on Natsu's sleeve until he was curled up with his head on a cushion in Gray’s lap. Gray slipped his fingers into Natsu's still-damp hair and gently began to untangle it.  

"My mom visited me, like...maybe two or three times in foster care," Natsu continued after a minute. "She went missing after that. Which means she probably OD'd and died or something. Guess it runs in the family."  

“Natsu,” Gray said softly, and Natsu sighed. 

“Sorry,” He murmured. “I just…I get scared I’m gonna end up like her.”  

“You’re not gonna end up like her,” Gray insisted. “You have lots of people that want to help you get better.”  _You have me_ , he thought,  _and I will do everything I can to keep you from wanting to take that path._  

“I know,” Natsu said quietly, picking at the edge of the cushion. “Thank you.”  

There was a silence for a moment, only broken by Natsu’s soft hums at Gray’s fingers in his hair. Gray hesitated. He knew that  _he_ hated talking about his parents, and would snap at anyone who asked, but maybe Natsu needed to talk about it.  

“What about your dad?” He asked finally. Natsu snorted.  

“At first he visited a lot. He was trying to get clean and get custody, and then he just fucked off when I was seven and I never saw him again.” Natsu’s voice turned bitter. “They gave me a permanent guardianship order so I could be adopted, but nobody wanted a kid that age. With issues." 

Gray frowned, and Natsu must have felt his confusion.  

"I was always in trouble. Usually setting stuff on fire or breaking things or running away." He chewed on his nail. "They thought it was a problem from being born addicted to meth, but turns out it was just what a kid with bipolar looks like." Gray was almost finished detangling Natsu's hair now, and was running his fingers through it in long, soft strokes.  

"So, yeah. Bunch of foster homes. I was 'too much work' for most of them." He sighed, pushing his head up against Gray's hand and making a contented sound. "It's funny cause this one was the best one. Don's wife Sandy used to be really nice to me. She even helped me with my homework. But she died and he started drinking, and..." He gestured to his face. "Here we are."  He relaxed back against Gray, hugging the cushion tighter against him.  

"I'm sorry," Gray said quietly, running his fingers along Natsu's scalp. "That's really shitty." Natsu hummed in agreement. “I dunno if this'll make you feel better, but Ultear - my sister - is already making you a Christmas stocking. She's...really excited that you'll be coming. And I know that’s not the same as having a  _home_ , but…I dunno.” He trailed off, uncertain where he had been going with that line of thought.  

"...really?" Natsu's voice sounded genuinely surprised, and Gray looked down at him. "You mean I'm coming with you to her place for Christmas?" Gray frowned.  

"Of course you are," he replied, meeting Natsu's puzzled gaze. "Where else would you be going? It's in like, four days." Natsu blinked, then glanced up at the calendar pinned to the wall. "We're gonna go over on Christmas Eve and stay there. If that's okay with you," he added hurriedly.  

"Y...yeah," Natsu said quietly, a small smile creeping across his face. "That's okay with me." Gray felt a warmth in his chest as he looked down at Natsu, feeling that tugging in his stomach as he thought about kissing him again. It definitely seemed like Natsu wanted to be kissed. Or was Gray just misreading the situation?  

Suddenly, Happy leapt up onto the couch, wedging himself in between the two boys and butting Natsu’s face with his head. Natsu laughed, scratching Happy behind the ears.  

“Oh! That’s….uh, Happy. My cat." Gray wasn't sure if he was disappointed or relieved by the interruption. "He’s usually kind of an asshole, but he seems to like you.”  

“That’s because  _everyone_ likes me,” Natsu teased, bopping Happy on the nose.  

 _That’s truer than you know_ , Gray thought.  _Fuck, I am definitely falling for you._  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is indeed a fact that lithium *does* taste like chalk.


	14. secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gray makes breakfast, and Natsu starts to break down his (figurative) walls.

_I need another story_    
_Something to get off my chest_    
_My life gets_ _kinda_ _boring_    
_Need something that I can confess_    
_Til_ _' all my sleeves are stained red_    
_From all the truth that I've said_    
- One Republic, "Secrets" 

Gray made French toast for breakfast while Natsu sat on the counter, pestering him with questions while he moved around the kitchen. He handed Natsu a cup of coffee, then began stirring eggs and milk together while the pan heated.  

"Am I allowed to ask  _you_ personal questions now that you know all about my shitty childhood?" Natsu teased. Gray looked slightly uncomfortable. "I'm kidding," Natsu assured him, warming his hands on the mug.  

"No, it's..." Gray sighed in frustration. "I don't...talk...about things. Usually. But...I've seen shit you probably would rather have kept hidden." He began dipping the bread into the egg mixture and Natsu nodded. "So it's only fair."  

"That's not how it works," Natsu argued, dumping another spoonful of sugar in into his coffee. He was still trying to get the taste of his new medication out of his mouth. “You don’t owe me answers.” Gray placed the toast in the pan, sprinkling each piece with cinnamon. "Okay, how 'bout this. I ask, and if you don't wanna answer, then don't. Easy as that. I'm not gonna make you."  

"...thank you." Gray's voice was soft, and Natsu reached out with his foot and poked Gray's leg with it. Gray reached down and squeezed Natsu’s ankle gently, then returned to cooking.  

"Okay, first of all, how can you afford a place like this?" Natsu asked, looking around in amazement. The first time he'd been here, he'd assumed it was Gray's parents' place, but he now had a feeling that Gray's parents – like his – were not in the picture.  

"That’s...complicated," Gray replied hesitantly, flipping a slice of toast. "And I would rather finish breakfast before diving that far into my tragic backstory." He turned and gave Natsu a small smile. "For now, let's just say my mom bought it for me. I do have a job, though – not enough to afford this place, but I  _do_ work."  

"Where?" Natsu hopped down from the counter and grabbed a couple of plates from an open cupboard, setting them on the bar. Then he crouched down and scooped up Happy, who had ambled into the kitchen. Happy headbutted Natsu's chin and purred at him as he scratched the soft fur behind his ears.  

"It's, ah...kinda geeky," Gray admitted, turning around and rummaging through the fridge. "I do in-game tech support for this French MMO called  _Galaxie d'étoiles_." He pulled out something that looked like a can of soup and placed it on the counter.  

"No way!" Natsu exclaimed, bouncing on the balls of his feet. "I love that game!" Gray looked up at him, surprised.  

"But it's entirely in-"  

"French, I know, I never have any idea what's going on and I have to use Google translate for all the quests," Natsu replied, grinning. "I'm sure the people I group with think I'm an idiot. But it's free to play and they had it on the library computers, so..." Then he frowned. "Wait, how the hell did you get an IT position there? Don't you usually need like a degree or something?"  

"Yeeees," Gray said hesitantly, looking almost embarrassed. "My, um...my aunt is kinda the CEO of Tempête." Natsu's eyes widened. Tempête was a  _huge_ videogame company in Québec that made hundreds of popular games, including  _Galaxie d'étoiles_.  

"Your aunt is Ophélie?" Gray nodded, shrugging his shoulders. "She was on 'Ellen' last year!" Happy, having had enough of the excitement, hopped down from Natsu's arms.  

"We're not like, super close or anything, she lives in Québec and I've only seen her a couple times." Gray spoke hurriedly, like he was trying to brush it off. "But she let me take a part-time position cause I'm...pretty good with computers. The company is gonna pay for me to take the programming course after I get my high school diploma."  

"That is  _awesome_ ," Natsu said, hopping up onto one of the bar stools. Gray dropped two slices of toast on each plate, then returned the pan to the stove and joined him.  

"Okay," Natsu said, sipping at his coffee. "That leads to my next question. Why are you twenty-one and finishing high school?" Now Gray  _definitely_ looked uncomfortable.  

"I...missed some school." Natsu raised an eyebrow. "A  _lot_ of school, okay? I just...let's eat." Natsu nodded, watching Gray tip the soup-looking can over his toast.  

"What's that?" Natsu asked curiously, taking the container from Gray and peering at the label.  _Sirop d'érables_.  

"Maple syrup." Gray laughed at Natsu's confused expression. "It's the real stuff, I promise it's a hundred times better than whatever you've had before." Natsu shrugged, pouring it over his toast. He took a large bite and hummed in appreciation.  

"So you're French?" He mumbled around the mouthful of toast. When he'd overheard Ultear and Gray speaking at the hospital, he'd realized that he would have been  _much_ more likely to pay attention to French class in junior high if he'd known how hot it sounded when Gray spoke it.  

"Francophone," Gray corrected. " _Parle tu français_?" And there it was.  _Damn_ , that was sexy.  

"I'm assuming you asked if I speak French," Natsu replied, laughing, "but I am limited to whatever I forgot from school." He shoved another bite of toast in his mouth – this was  _amazing_. "You're fluent?"  

"Mm," Gray replied. "My first language, actually. I used to have an accent in English but it went away after a while." A thin line of syrup ran down Gray's fork and onto his hand, and he absently brought his fingers to his lips, licking up the sticky mess. When he stuck his thumb into his mouth and drew his tongue over it, Natsu suddenly felt like he couldn't breathe. 

"Y-your, ah...p-parents are from Québec?" Natsu swallowed hard, unable to take his eyes off Gray's lips.  

"Mhmm," Gray replied, looking at Natsu curiously. He sat down his fork and wiped at the syrup dotting his sleeve, then gave up and pushed it up to his elbow, exposing the tattoos that Natsu had seen the other day. "You okay?"  

"Food is really good," Natsu said quickly, shoving another piece of toast into his mouth and looking away to avoid Gray's skeptical stare. His gaze landed on a photo pinned to the fridge – a dark-haired man and woman, each smiling widely. The man was holding a tiny boy, no more than two years old, who Natsu immediately identified as Gray. "Is that your mom and dad?"  

Gray glanced over to where Natsu was looking, and a sad expression crossed his face. 

"That was at our house in Montréal," he said. "They...ah, they died when I was five." Natsu looked up at Gray. The unspoken question of  _what happened_  lingered in the air between them. “They were killed by a drunk driver.” He said it matter of factly, but his voice was sad. “I miss them a lot. Speaking French reminds me of them.” He unconsciously ran his hand over his forearm, and Natsu took a closer look at the tattoos – two large snowflakes, and one smaller one. 

“Is that for—” 

“Yeah.” Gray smiled, running his finger over the delicate lines. “ _Maman_ used to call me her little snowflake.” Natsu suddenly felt like the world’s biggest idiot.  

“Shit, I’m sorry,” he apologized, embarrassment twisting in his chest. “I didn’t realize…I won’t call you that—” 

“It’s fine,” Gray interrupted, reaching out and touching the back of Natsu’s hand. He didn’t make eye contact, but he smiled wistfully. “It doesn’t hurt. When  _you_  say it, I mean.” Natsu’s stomach fluttered, and he slowly turned his hand until their fingers were resting against each other’s palms. “I like to think they’d understand.”  

“Does…your sister have the same tattoos?” Natsu brushed his thumb across the back of Gray’s knuckles, and Gray shook his head.   

"She's not my biological sister," he replied. "I was an only child. When my parents died, my mom's best friend – Ultear’s mom – adopted me." Gray looked up, and Natsu could tell that Gray could see right through his unspoken question. "She's not around anymore either."  

"Jesus," Natsu whispered, shaking his head.  

"I told you it was a tragic backstory," Gray replied, half-jokingly. “I don’t mind talking about my  _maman_ and  _papa_ , but, ah…I don’t want to talk about my mom right now. Is that okay?” He squeezed Natsu’s fingers, then withdrew his hand and returned to his breakfast.  

“Of course,” Natsu replied, using the last bit of his toast to soak up the pool of syrup in the center of his plate. He tried to think of a more neutral subject. “When did you move here?”  

“Six years ago, after mom died,” Gray replied. “Ultear was old enough to get custody of us, and she just wanted to leave all those…memories behind.” 

Natsu didn't miss the use of "us" instead of "me", but decided to let it go. When Gajeel had mentioned Gray's brother, it had earned him a broken nose, and Natsu preferred to avoid that fate. Gray would tell him when he was ready – about his mom, his brother, whatever happened with Erza and Gajeel, and whatever it was that put him in so much pain all the time.  

As if reading his mind, Gray excused himself for a moment, returning with a handful of pills that he tossed into his mouth and chased down with the rest of his coffee.  

"Do they taste as bad as mine?" Natsu joked, hoping to hell that Gray wouldn't shut down on him – not now, when he'd been getting real, genuine answers out of him. Gray looked hesitant, then set down his coffee mug and shook his head.  

"Nah." He chewed on his bottom lip. "I just get the occasional headache. And this." He held out his left hand, palm-down in front of him, and Natsu could see that it was trembling noticeably. "It's not a big deal or anything though."  

"Weird," Natsu remarked. "Is it always like that?" Gray shrugged.  

"It started maybe...two months after I started taking them? It doesn't bother me much." Gray must have recognized the curious expression on Natsu's face, because he continued speaking. "They're for the nerve pain in my shoulder." His voice was guarded, but he sat back down and rested his feet on the opposite stool, leaning his calf against Natsu's.  

"Can...I ask?" Natsu's throat felt dry, and he grabbed his coffee mug, disappointed to see that it was empty. "Or, I mean, if you don't wanna-"  

"I don't," Gray replied, looking down at his hands. He sighed. "I know...I'm not...I know I'm not the easiest person to get to know." He flexed his fingers a few times, then rubbed his palms along his sweatpants. "Me...not wanting to talk about this...doesn't have anything to do with you." Natsu swallowed, feeling his stomach twist.  

"It's oka-"  

"It's not." Gray's voice wasn't angry, just...discouraged. "I know I have trust issues, I don't need my therapist to tell me that." He tapped his fingers against his knees, refusing to look up. "But I have a good reason. And...I promise, I will tell you one day. I'm just...not ready." He looked up, and Natsu was surprised to see the beginnings of tears in his eyes. "I'm already letting you in as much as I can."  

"Gray," Natsu breathed, standing up and pulling the dark-haired boy into a hug. Gray didn't resist, just pressed his forehead into Natsu's shoulder and sighed. "It's your story. You owe me  _nothing_." Gray let out a puff of laughter, moving his arms up to rest loosely around Natsu's waist.  

"Thank you," he whispered into Natsu's shirt, then lifted his head and rubbed his face with the back of his hand. "We, ah, should clean this up." Natsu nodded, but he noticed that Gray's other hand was still resting lightly on his hip. "I was gonna tell you, I talked to Mira and she said we could both do group this week via Skype from here."  

Natsu blinked. He had completely forgotten about group – or had perhaps assumed that they wouldn't let him back in because he had failed in the most obvious way possible. The thought of seeing everyone made him feel sick. Even Lucy and Erza visiting in the hospital had made him feel so ashamed that he'd barely spoken to them.  

"Hey." Gray tugged on the hem of his shirt  to get his attention, and Natsu's eyes darted back down to Gray's face. "It's okay. Erza and Lucy already know, and so does Cana. Gajeel is going to play nice or he’s gonna regret it.” Natsu laughed a little at that, recalling Gajeel’s surprised face when Gray had punched him on the first day of group.  

A loud, sharp rapping at the door interrupted their conversation, and Natsu was puzzled to see Gray’s eyes widen in fear.  

“Gray?” The dark-haired boy’s face had gone white, and his breath was stuttering, coming out much sharper and quicker than it should be. The hand that was resting on Natsu’s hip had tightened enough that it hurt. “Gray? What’s going on?”  

Gray stared at Natsu like he wasn’t there, terrified gaze unmoving. Natsu shook his shoulder but the only response was a soft whisper of  _he doesn’t know where I live,_ repeated over and over again. Natsu heard the knock again, and then Erza’s voice, calling out for them.  

“Just a minute!” He shouted, reaching up and tapping Gray’s cheek tentatively. “Gray, snap out of it.” He hesitated for a moment, eyes dropping down to Gray’s tattooed wrist. “C’mon, Snowflake.” At the nickname, Gray’s eyes fluttered closed, and when he opened them again, they were trained on Natsu. “There you are, Snowflake. You’re okay.” Natsu ran a thumb over Gray’s cheekbone, and the dark-haired boy exhaled sharply, leaning into Natsu’s touch for a moment, then jerking backwards.  

“Sorry,” Gray whispered, cheeks flushed pink as he tried to stand and nearly knocked the stool to the ground. “I’m sorry. I gotta…um, the door.” And then he was gone, dashing through the living room and leaving Natsu at the counter, wondering what the hell had just happened.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Galaxie d'étoiles" (Galaxy of Stars) and "Tempête" (Storm) are 100% made up, but I'm imagining them as the Francophone equivalent of World of Warcraft and Blizzard.


	15. lovesong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucy and Erza visit, Gray contemplates his feelings.

_whenever I'm alone with you_  
_you make me feel like I am home again_  
_whenever I'm alone with you_  
_you make me feel like I am whole again  
_ \- Imagine Dragons, "Lovesong" 

Gray peered through the door's spyhole, cursing his stupidity, and was surprised to see Erza and Lucy standing in the hallway, holding Natsu’s guitar case.  

“How the hell do you know where I live?” He demanded, swinging the door open. Lucy frowned, and he realized belatedly that she was holding Kaden, who was gazing up at him curiously. “Sorry.” He ran a hand through his hair and exhaled sharply, hoping that his cheeks weren’t as red as they felt. “This is a protected address,” he grumbled, still not letting them into the apartment.   

“You gave it to me at the hospital, Gray.” Erza reached out and put a hand on his forearm, and he flinched. His heart was still going a million miles a minute, and broken fragments of a dozen pieces of his life were scrambling for purchase in his head. Erza’s voice sounded so far away. “Gray, are you all right?”  

“He’s just grumpy ‘cause he hasn’t finished his coffee yet.” Natsu’s voice floated in from behind him, and a gentle hand ghosted over the small of his back, slowly dragging him back to reality. Gray exhaled, trying to rearrange his features into a smile.  

“Yeah, sorry,” Gray breathed, shaking his head and motioning for them to come in. He touched Erza’s arm and motioned for her to stay behind as Natsu led Lucy and Kaden into the living room. “Honestly, I don’t remember giving that to you.”  

“It’s alright,” Erza insisted, still looking at him with concern. “You don’t seem well.” Gray laughed dryly, rubbing his hands over his face.  

“Fucking hell,” he whispered. “It’s okay, it’s not you. I just…this address is protected, nobody but Ultear should have it. I wasn’t thinking when I gave it to you.” Erza’s eyes widened in realization.  

“You mean because of—” 

“Lyon, yeah.” He leaned back against the wall and took several deep breaths. “I had to move after..." His fingers brushed his shoulder. "I know he’s in jail and it shouldn’t matter anymore. It’s just…”  

“I know.” Erza gave Gray a half-smile. “Doors slamming still freak me out, even though it's been years. I get it.”  

“I wish you didn’t,” Gray murmured. “I still feel…” He sighed. “I’m sorry for everything that happened back then.” Erza shook her head.  

“Wasn’t your fault,” she said, pulling her phone out of her pocket. Gray watched as she navigated to her text history where he’d sent her the address, then deleted the message. “I’ll tell Lucy to forget it too – although I might not have to, she has the worst sense of direction I’ve ever seen.” Gray smiled.  

“Thanks, Erza.” She tugged him away from the wall and then bumped her shoulder into his, grinning.  

“Anytime. Now let’s go see how things are going with your boyfriend.”  

Gray tried to scowl at her, but found he didn't have the energy, so he just followed her into the living room instead. 

“You don't have to apologize.” Lucy shifted a squirming Kaden on her hip again while Natsu stared at the ground uncomfortably. Gray sighed, moving over to them and reaching his arms out toward Lucy.  

“ __,” he said as he lifted Kaden from her mother’s grasp. Lucy looked surprised, but didn't argue, and Gray gestured for her and Natsu to take a seat on the couch.

Kaden gurgled at Gray and immediately reached for the pendant around his neck. He rolled his eyes, tucking it under his shirt. “I promise you don't wanna put that in your mouth. Should we see if we can find something for you to play with?"  

Sylvie had been here quite a few times, but her toys weren't really appropriate for a six-month-old. Plus, Gray had a feeling that if Kaden chewed on Sylvie's lightsaber, he would be facing a tantrum of epic proportions.  

"There's some toys in the diaper bag, Gray," Lucy said, gesturing to the floor next to the couch. He slid onto the ground in front of Natsu and placed Kaden between his legs, digging through the bag and pulling out something brightly colored and plastic. Kaden made a cooing sound and grabbed it, then immediately stuck it in his mouth.  

"Figures," Gray grumbled, and Lucy laughed. " _._ " Kaden blinked at him. "Gross," Gray clarified. Erza tucked Natsu's guitar case into the corner of the living room, then settled herself on the floor across from Gray, brushing her hair away from her face.  

"How are you guys doing?" She asked, smiling as Happy padded across the floor and into her lap. She ran her fingers absently through his fur, scratching behind his ears. Kaden squealed in delight and rolled onto his stomach, then began wriggling across the floor toward Happy.  

" __," Gray warned. Happy generally didn't come out when the kids were around, and obviously hadn't seen Kaden yet. "And...we're okay?" He tipped his head back to look at Natsu upside-down, resting his head on the other boy's leg. He could see Natsu's cheeks turning pink.

"Mhmm," he mumbled. "Just...tired." Immediately after saying that, he yawned and rubbed his eyes. "We just had breakfast, I can't believe I need a nap already."  

"Well, whatever they gave you yesterday was pretty powerful," Gray replied. "I had to carry you up here." Natsu's cheeks turned redder, and he groaned, burying his face in the back of the sofa.  

"Natsu," Lucy said gently, reaching out and touching his leg. "I need you to know that I mean it. I'm not mad –  _we're_  not mad – and you don't need to apologize." Natsu refused to remove his face from the sofa. "I'm just so relieved that you're safe."  

"We're all here for you," Erza added, scooping Happy into her arms to help him avoid Kaden's curious hands. Gray reached out and pulled the infant back into his lap, settling him on the floor and giving him the toy again.  

"I feel stupid," Natsu muttered. His fingers were clenched in a tight fist, and Gray reached up and rubbed his knuckles until he loosened his grip enough to accept Gray's hand. "I wanted...I felt like..." Gray squeezed gently, steadfastly ignoring the curious look Erza was throwing his way. "I...I tried to ask for help," Natsu said quietly, turning his head and looking down at Gray. "I tried to text you when this happened," he gestured to his face, "but my stupid fucking piece of shit phone died and I just felt so hopeless like it was this sign that I shouldn't even try and..."  

Gray's chest tightened and he couldn't stop the heartbroken expression that stole across his face. The idea of Natsu sitting somewhere, alone and hurting and  _wanting_ to ask for help but being unable to... 

"I'm so sorry," he murmured, leaning his head back on Natsu's leg again. "You know that I would have come, right?" Natsu looked uncertain, and Gray squeezed his hand. "I'll always come. Doesn't matter what happens, where you are, what you've done. I will  _always_ come for you." He felt tears pricking his eyes again, and he wished that Lucy and Erza weren't here to see this.  

"Really?" Natsu's voice was small and sad, but he looked at Gray and there was something hopeful in his eyes.  

" _Always_ ," Gray repeated, gaze intent. The strength of his conviction almost  _hurt_ , and he suddenly  _knew_  that this wasn't just some stupid infatuation, some half-assed crush that would just fade away. He didn't care that they had only known each other for a few weeks - he cared for this boy, fiercely and deeply. It hit him hard enough to leave him stunned.  

Natsu's head dropped back against the sofa and he began to cry softly, tucking his knees up against his chest and releasing Gray's hand.  

"I don't deserve you," he whispered, and it was unclear if he meant all of them, or Gray in particular.  

"Natsu." Lucy's voice was firm, and she leaned forward, tugging Natsu into a hug. "It's okay. We're here now. You're safe here with Gray." Gray thought he could detect a slight hint of jealousy in her voice, but it was pushed aside by concern.  

"Ba," Kaden said, and Natsu managed a weak smile for him. Kaden stared up at his uncle, eyes wide, holding his multicolored toy. "Naaa ba," he repeated, and Gray smiled.  

"I think he agrees with his mom," Erza said, smiling at Natsu. She scooted closer to the couch until she was sitting next to Gray and reached up, pressing a hand to Natsu's back.  

The four of them sat there while Natsu cried, each trying to shoulder a piece of the grief. Eventually his sobs slowed, then stopped altogether, and all that was left was the sound of his sleepy breathing while he laid against Lucy's shoulder.  

"I can take him to bed," Gray offered, standing carefully and making sure that Erza was watching Kaden. Lucy nodded as Gray slid his arms underneath Natsu's legs and shoulders, picking him up and wincing slightly at the twinge in his shoulder. "It's fine," he said to Lucy's concerned expression. Natsu's head lolled against his chest as he made his way down the hallway, then lay him gently on the bed and tucked the blanket around him.  

He sat there for a moment, stroking Natsu's hair away from his face. Then he leaned down and kissed his cheek, butterfly soft.  

"Always," he whispered, then stood and headed back for the living room.  

 

* * *

 

"How are  _you_  feeling?" Erza asked as Gray returned from the bedroom. He rubbed his eyes and shrugged, sliding back down onto the floor. Kaden looked at him and reached out his chubby arms, and Gray smiled, lifting the infant onto his lap.  

"I'm...fine," he said, yawning. "Just tired." Kaden copied his yawning, and he grinned. He set the infant on his knees and bounced him gently. Kaden babbled at him, and Gray began to quietly sing a song that his mother had taught him when he was little. Kaden seemed to enjoy it, staring at Gray intently, then reaching up to rub his eyes.  

"I didn't realize you...liked babies," Lucy said eventually, sounding uncertain.  

"My sister has three kids," Gray replied. Kaden was yawning for real now, and Gray cradled him gently in his arms, feeling the infant slowly fall asleep on his chest. "Félix is just about the same age as Kaden."  

"Well, you need to teach  _me_ how to do that," Lucy grumbled, gesturing at Kaden's snoring figure. Gray laughed, rocking Kaden back and forth just enough to keep him asleep. He was so warm, and his soft, fine hair smelled like that weird universal baby soap. It was comforting.  

"How are you doing?" Gray asked, turning to really  _look_ at Lucy for the first time. She looked tired, but not unhappy.  

"I'm...alright," she replied honestly, tugging a bit of her hair loose and re-braiding it. "I've been staying with Loke since Monday. He's actually being nice about it which is super weird."  

"Is he usually a dick?"  

"Not...a dick, no." She frowned. "Just really entitled, y'know? But he said that he gets why I stood up to my dad and he wants to help me and Kaden. I just don't know how much I can trust him." Gray nodded.  

"Have you talked to your dad?" She shook her head.  

"He's called me about a billion times but I'm not checking my messages." She chewed on her thumbnail. "I'm not ready to talk to him yet."  

"Mira said that she could get Lucy in touch with someone who could help her find housing," Erza interjected, leaning back and stretching out her legs. Her shirt today was low-cut, and Gray was impressed by the detail in the tattoo across her collarbone. It was dark red, like her hair, and strangely tribal in design. Gray was certain that Jellal had sported a similar one.  

"Yeah, wouldn't it be great if I could have a place like  _this_ ," Lucy said. She swept her arms around her to indicate the apartment, and the resentment was evident in her voice this time. Gray felt sharp sparks of anger flaring up under his skin. 

"Yeah, well, the price for this place is three dead parents and a brother in prison," Gray snapped irritably. "So, if you have the qualifications, I'm sure victim's services will set you right up." Lucy looked mortified, and Gray immediately regretted his outburst. " __, I'm sorry. It's been a rough few days. I didn't mean that."

"I'm so sorry," Lucy replied, reaching down and touching Gray's shoulder. He tried his hardest not to flinch, focusing instead on rocking Kaden, whose weight on Gray's chest kept him grounded.  

Erza and Lucy chatted for a few more minutes, but Gray tuned them out, focusing on Kaden instead. He remembered when Sylvie was born, how tiny she had been – only six pounds, the smallest baby he had ever seen. He had been terrified to hold her, but Ultear had trusted him, and when Sylvie had opened her eyes and gazed up at him, he had fallen in love in a way he'd never known he could.  

His thoughts slowly wandered back to Natsu. Gray could still feel the intensity, the heaviness in his chest that insisted that this feeling for Natsu was not lust, or affection, or friendship. He gazed at his fingers, wishing he could explain what  _exactly_  was happening that made him so certain that he was...in love with that...beautiful, ridiculous idiot.  

"We have to get going." Erza tapped Gray's ankle with her foot and he jolted out of his reverie, blinking at her. "Group starts in an hour, I guess you'll have to wake Natsu up too." Gray groaned.  

"Ugh, he's impossible to wake up." Lucy laughed a little at that, leaning down to take Kaden from Gray's arms. He stood and stretched, yawning again. Lucy tucked a blanket around Kaden while Erza shouldered the diaper bag, and they headed for the front door.  

"Take care of yourself," Erza said, clasping Gray's arm and looking at him seriously. He nodded, then smiled with as much enthusiasm as he could muster.  

"Thanks for bringing the guitar," he said. "I know it meant a lot to him. We'll see you guys this afternoon?" Both girls nodded, and then the door clicked behind him and Gray was left in the silence of his apartment again.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **French Translations**  
>  Viens t'en = C'mere  
> C'est dégueulasse = That's gross  
> Fais attention = Be careful  
> Tabarnak = Fuck


	16. iris

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Group is awkward, Natsu has a revelation, there's a tickle fight, and some guitar playing.

_I don't want the world to see me_    
_'cause_ _I don't think that they'd understand_    
_When everything's made to be broken_    
_I just want you to know who I am_    
- Goo Goo Dolls, "Iris" 

_Always_.  

The word was still ringing in Natsu's head when Gray woke him up with a soft shake of the shoulder. He couldn't remember his dream, but that word and the memory of Gray's face when he said it were tumbling through his brain.  

"Group starts in half an hour," Gray said quietly. Natsu groaned and rolled onto his back, stretching his arms over his head. He hissed in pain as he felt his stitches pull. Gray grabbed Natsu's arm and pulled it toward him, looking concerned.  

"Just hurts," Natsu whispered, and even through the pain wasn't enough to make him cry, he felt the tears ready to fall all the same. Gray ran his thumb over Natsu's wrist, just above the bandage.  

"I'll get you something for it," he said, standing and slipping out of the room.  

Natsu sighed, wiping his eyes with his non-injured hand. What day was it, anyway? Everything felt jumbled up in his brain. He sat up slowly, kicking his feet over the edge of the bed and whimpering quietly. He felt like shit.  

"Come sit on the couch," Gray said, suddenly appearing at Natsu's side. He grasped Natsu's elbow and helped him stand, then tugged him along until he collapsed back onto the sofa. Gray handed him a couple of white pills and a glass of water, which he took eagerly. "Better?"  

Natsu shrugged, feeling a flood of affection rush through him as Gray tucked a pillow beside him and covered him up with a blanket. He shivered, tucking himself into the corner of the couch as best he could.  

"Need anything else?" Natsu blinked up at Gray, then shook his head. 

"Just..." He waved his hand vaguely, and Gray nodded as if he knew exactly what Natsu was talking about. Then he flopped down on the couch and began fiddling with the laptop. 

Seeing everyone was awkward, but not nearly as bad as Natsu had been expecting. The biggest surprise was that the technology worked like it was supposed to, and they didn't spend forty-five minutes trying to get the iPad in the center to connect to the wifi.  

"Today we're going to talk about forgiveness," Mira began after everyone waved to Natsu and Gray. Her voice was tinny through the laptop speakers. Gray grabbed his coffee and curled up in the center of the couch, letting Natsu hang out on the periphery of the webcam's range. Natsu gazed at Gray – he looked exhausted, and Natsu was fairly certain this was his fourth cup of coffee today.  

"This is a quote from a young woman named Najwa Zebian that I would like to share with you," Mira continued. Gray snorted, but Natsu noticed that his hand was trembling again. It looked like more than just a medication side effect. He reached out his leg and nudged Gray with his foot.  

"You okay?" Gray shrugged, but reached down and rested his hand over Natsu's ankle. His fingers began absently tracing patterns over the top of Natsu's foot, and Natsu shivered. 

"Today, I decided to forgive you," Mira read from the book in front of her. "Not because you apologized, or because you acknowledged the pain that you caused me, but because my soul deserves peace."  

Gray's hand froze, and Natsu looked over at him, concerned. He didn't look as freaked out as this morning (which Natsu was still worried about), but there was an expression of pain and regret on his face that made Natsu uneasy.  

"Hey," he whispered, but Gray shook his head. Natsu edged forward slowly until Gray shuffled his legs over and Natsu's feet rested in his lap. Gray moved his hand up to Natsu's calf and continued the slow caresses.  

"We're going to be doing a writing exercise today, so you'll need some paper and a pen." Natsu groaned internally – he  _really_ didn't want to move right now, not with Gray drawing soft circles on his leg – when Gray passed him his notebook.  

"It was...on the desk at the center...when I found you," Gray said, looking uncomfortable. "I didn't...flip through it or anything. Just the one page." Natsu's face grew hot, but it was more embarrassment than anger.  

"Thanks," he whispered, flipping it open and thumbing through his drawings. Close to the end was the full-page sketch of Gray, sitting on the windowsill at the youth center, looking grumpy and distant. It felt like a memory from a lifetime ago.  

They spent the better part of the next hour journaling. Everyone had to choose someone they wanted to try to forgive – Natsu had struggled with that for a bit, but had finally decided on his father. Natsu only knew his first name –Neelan – and he scrawled it at the top of the page. After that, they spent some time writing down thoughts and judgments about the person they picked. Natsu jotted down a few things, then wrote  _ABANDONED ME_ in large letters, scowling at the paper.  

Gray shifted his legs under Natsu's feet, but didn't push him off. He was resting his notebook against Natsu's calf, tilted at exactly the right angle so that Natsu could see it. He wondered if that was intentional.  _LYON_  was printed at the top in Gray's neat handwriting, and underneath, all it said was  _I can't_. Gray's face was tight, and he appeared to be composing music in the margins instead of journaling.  

When Mira eventually called for a break, Gray tipped the notebook onto his stomach and groaned, leaning his head back into the couch. Then he sat up, leaning over to the laptop and hitting the  _pause_ button on the webcam. 

"You good?" Natsu wiggled his feet in Gray's lap, and Gray sighed, blowing hair out of his face. He reached down and grabbed one of Natsu's feet, rubbing his thumb over the side. Natsu jumped a bit, and Gray looked over at him.  

"Ticklish?" Natsu nodded warily, narrowing his eyes at Gray.  

"Don't you dare." There was a spark now, a mischievous edge to Gray's smile that Natsu had never seen before. Quicker than Natsu could react, Gray had grabbed both of Natsu's ankles and yanked him farther down onto the couch.  

"Ah! Get off me, you...bastard!" Natsu wriggled as Gray drew his fingers along the soles of his feet, and he let out an embarrassingly high-pitched giggle. "Get...argh...lemme go!" He managed to sit up enough to grab Gray's sweater, then pulled him forward until he had the taller boy in a headlock.  

Gray shouted in surprise, releasing his hold on Natsu's ankles and struggling against his grip instead.  

"Y'know, you're lucky I'm injured," Natsu huffed as Gray headbutted his chest. " _Oof_."  

"Don't think that's gonna make me go easy on you," Gray replied, poking Natsu in the armpit and then yelping when Natsu returned the favor. He reached out and pinned Natsu's right hand next to his head, leaning forward until he was practically sitting on Natsu.  

"You...'s not fair..." Natsu struggled feebly, but couldn't do much with his bandaged wrist. Gray grinned, then exhaled in surprise as Natsu brought his knee up, knocking Gray forwards.  

_Oh_. Natsu realized his mistake as soon as Gray flung his arm out to break his fall, landing right next to Natsu's face. Now he  _was_ sitting on Natsu, arms on either side of his head, face  _much_ too close to be doing anything other than...Natsu stopped that train of thought before it could go anywhere untoward. 

Natsu held his breath. Everything was quiet, suddenly – the background noise of the group coming through the laptop was muffled by the blood pounding in his ears. All he could see were Gray's eyes – they looked black from far away, but up close they were the color of the night sky in summer; a deep, rich blue that he couldn’t look away from. Natsu could see a thousand emotions flicker across Gray's face as he swallowed thickly, dropping his gaze to Natsu's lips.  

"We're ready to resume!" Mira's cheerful voice broke the reverie, and Gray blinked a few times, slowly releasing Natsu's wrist and slumping back onto the couch. "Are you two there?" Natsu shifted uncomfortably, dropping his gaze to his notebook. He heard Gray take a deep breath, then reach over and turn the webcam back on.  

"Y-yeah," he stammered, cheeks pink, and Natsu felt something burst open in his chest as he realized that Gray  _did_ like him.  

_So then why didn't he just kiss me?_ Natsu wondered, peering at Gray curiously as the color slowly faded from his cheeks. There were a few reasons that Natsu could think of, and he began to scribble them down in his notebook so it looked like he was participating.  

_reasons gray ~~won't~~  is afraid to kiss me_    
_1 he thinks im off limits cause i have a crazy brain & hes taking care of me_    
_2 his shitty life stuff makes him scared of ~~initm~~ ~~imtr~~ being close to ppl_    
_3 he thinks im not into him (is he stupid? i think im being pretty obvius)_  

Natsu tapped his pencil against the margin, re-reading his list. Honestly, the first two made the most sense to him. Gray was clearly interested – evidenced by the hand-holding, cuddling in bed (even though he slipped out before Natsu woke up), and the weird tension when he was changing Natsu's bandage this morning. But what was Natsu supposed to do about that?   

He glanced over at Gray, who was focused intently on the laptop screen and had just finished tucking a piece of hair behind his ear. A small smile crept across Natsu's face as he tested his theory, reaching out with his foot and poking Gray again. This time Gray didn't look at him, but his hand absently made its way to Natsu's ankle all the same, and he resumed the small caresses from before the break.  

Natsu sighed contentedly, not bothering to keep quiet, and decided to wait for Gray to make the first move.  

 

* * *

 

About half an hour after group ended, Gray’s phone rang. Natsu glanced at the caller ID, and was surprised to see Gajeel’s name pop up on the screen.  

“Gray, Gajeel is calling you for some reason?” He heard the tap running in the bathroom, and Gray returned to the living room just in time for the call to end. He frowned at the phone, then picked it up and hit ‘redial’.  

“What do you want?” He demanded, and Natsu could hear Gajeel muttering something in the background. Gray looked puzzled, but pulled the phone away from his ear and put it on speakerphone. “Yeah, he’s right here.” He flopped down on the couch next to Natsu, who shoved his sketchbook out of the way. 

“Good.” Gajeel’s voice was echoey; he clearly had them on speakerphone as well. “I, um…I wanted to say…uh...”  

“The word you’re looking for is ‘sorry’,” a bored-sounding boy's voice drawled in the background.  

“I swear to god…” Gajeel’s growled, then he sighed. “So, yeah, that. I’m sorry.”  

There was silence for a moment as Natsu and Gray looked at each other quizzically.  

“For…?” Gray prompted. He propped his feet up on the coffee table, leaning back and throwing his arm over the back of the couch. 

“Argh, you know what I’m talkin' about.” Gajeel sounded petulant now, which was something Natsu never expected to hear.  

“Apologies have to be specific, Gajeel…” The other voice interjected. 

“Fine! I’m sorry for callin’ you…names.” An awkward pause. “I was a dick. I dunno why I said it, I don’t give a fuck if you like dudes or whatever.”  

“Th…thank you?” Natsu said hesitantly.  

“You…you doin’ okay?” Gajeel’s voice was still gruff, but he seemed genuinely concerned. “I heard you, ah, did…I mean…”  

“Oh my god, Gajeel, you're hopeless.” Natsu could practically  _hear_ the boy on the other end of the line rolling his eyes. “My brother has an empathy deficiency, sorry.” His voice got a bit louder as he appeared to move towards the phone. Gajeel grumbled something, and the other boy sighed. “As much as he might have been an asshole, I promise you that his apology is sincere.”  

“Ryos, is that you?” Gray finally asked, frowning. There was an affirmative murmur. “Shit, last time I saw you, you were like—” 

“Twelve, I know,” Ryos interrupted. “Gajeel tells me you’re doing well, Gray, although I’m sorry to hear about Lyon.” Natsu didn’t miss how Gray froze, breath catching. He bumped their knees together, and Gray exhaled sharply.  

“Alright, gimme that,” Gajeel growled, and there was a rustling sound. “Go do your homework. I’m serious. No, I ain’t got a clue how to do that kinda math. Go ask your boyfriend, you said he was smart.” There was a deep sigh. “Okay. So, I’m sorry for bein’ an ass and callin’ you names, it was stupid. Ryos…told me yesterday that he’s…he's got a boyfriend, and I just want him to be happy. So it was stupid of me to say that shit.”  

“That’s…thank you,” Gray said.   

“Natsu, sorry for tryin’ to steal your meds.” Natsu groaned as Gray turned to look at him suspiciously. He had conveniently left that out when Gray had punched Gajeel in the face. “I’m tryin’ to be better. An’ I hope you're okay.”  

“I am now,” Natsu replied, still avoiding Gray’s gaze.  

“Ok. Good.” There was an awkward pause, then Gajeel added, “I gotta go,” and hung up the line.  

“Well.” Gray let out a deep breath. “That was…interesting.”  

“He seems…less douchey now,” Natsu commented, smoothly avoiding the impending question about his medication and Gajeel stealing it. “Maybe you punched some sense into him.”  

“I’ve known Gajeel since he was fifteen,” Gray replied, rolling his eyes. “He’s…he does the wrong things for the right reasons. Like we all did.” His voice softened. “Him and Erza and I…we got caught up with the wrong people, a...gang, I guess. We were all…desperate. Hurt, in some way.” Natsu frowned.  

“Erza missed a bunch of school in grade nine,” he said slowly. “Was that—” Gray nodded.  

“Part of the reason I’m still finishing high school.” He was quiet for a moment, looking pensive. “It started off as harmless shit – graffiti, skipping school, some shoplifting. But it got dangerous really quickly. When I found out that there were drugs involved…” Gray shook his head. “I left, and so did Erza.”  

“So... Gajeel stayed?” Natsu tried to picture Gray in a gang. "After you and Erza left, I mean?" Gray nodded, chewing on his lip.  

"He has every reason to hate me," Gray said finally. "I called the cops on them. They...were selling drugs to kids. I just...I couldn't do it." He sighed. "Gajeel ended up in juvie for a year. So did..." He hesitated, and his left hand started trembling again. "My brother." The words felt like something that had been exorcised, and Gray looked like he might be sick.  

Natsu reached over and grabbed Gray's hand – this was starting to become a thing, the hand-holding. Not that Natsu was complaining in the slightest.  

"I saw your journal," Natsu admitted, and Gray didn't look surprised. "I dunno what he did to you, but it's obviously something pretty shitty that fucked up your life, so I don't think you have to be ready to forgive him." Gray sighed, squeezing Natsu's hand and then bringing both his hands up to scrub at his face. 

"Thanks," he said quietly, dropping his hands back into his lap. "Alright, I'm done talking about shit for today." He stood from the couch and stretched, then walked over to the corner of the room. He returned with Natsu's guitar case – battered and covered with stickers and patches. 

"Play for me," Gray said, setting the guitar case on the coffee table. Natsu's fingers itched, but he glanced down at his left arm, and Gray's face fell. " _Câlice_ , I'm sorry. I didn't even think." Natsu shrugged, feeling his face flush. The stitches still hurt, and the doctor at the hospital had said it might be a while before he could bend his wrist properly.  

Gray tapped his fingers against the case contemplatively, then snapped the latches open.  

"What are you-"  

"Teach me." Natsu blinked as Gray lifted his guitar from the soft lining and ran his fingers down the strings. "I'm left-handed so it'll be a bit weird, but you're gonna do the strumming anyway." He sat down on the couch and shuffled over until he was sitting up against Natsu's left side.  

"Teach you...to play guitar?"  

"Sorta," Gray replied. He pushed the blanket to the floor, then shifted the guitar so it was resting in Natsu's lap. Gray bent his knee so Natsu was almost sitting on him, then curled his right arm around Natsu's waist, keeping his left on the fret. "You strum, I'll do all this."  

"Do you...know how to play?" Natsu realized now what Gray was trying to do, and his stomach felt like it was full of bubbles.  _What did I do to deserve you?_ He thought.  

"Not really, but I'm a fast learner," Gray replied. Natsu was incredibly aware of each part of him that touched Gray, and when Gray's arm around his waist shifted and his fingers casually brushed Natsu's hip, Natsu stopped breathing entirely. It wasn't a sexual touch by any means, but  _how did he do that_ , just keep touching Natsu so casually, as if it wasn’t going to make him implode.  

"Um," he said. "Yes. Music?"  _Holy fuck get it together_. "A song, I mean. To teach you the chords." Gray shrugged.  

"What were you working on...before?" Natsu paused for a moment, trying to remember something that would be easy to learn. Then he started to laugh, and Gray raised his eyebrow.  

"It's just..." Natsu waved his right hand in the air, trying to come up with the word. "Y'know the word when something is perfect for the situation, but in a kind of funny way?"  

"Serendipitous?" Gray guessed. Natsu didn't know what that meant, but went with it anyway.   

 

* * *

 

Gray was right – he  _was_ a fast learner. At first, Natsu had to position Gray's fingers on the fret with his opposite hand, which was way more sensual than it had any right to be. After about half an hour, Gray had the chords down, so they worked on coordinating that with Natsu strumming. It took most of the afternoon, but they finally had a playable song just as the sun was setting.  

"Alright, one more time." Gray smiled at Natsu, shifting on the couch and moving his right hand so that it was resting on Natsu's thigh. Natsu swallowed, then counted them in and began to play. He was so focused on their coordination that he was caught off guard when Gray began to sing.  

_And I'd give up forever to touch you 'cause I know that you feel me somehow_    
_you're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be and I don't want to go home right now_  

Gray's voice was rough and tentative and clearly untrained, but Natsu marveled at the fact that it was  _Gray,_ and he was  _singing_ , and he was singing for  _Natsu_. His head was so close to Natsu's, and the words felt like they were being whispered directly into his ear. Natsu shivered, missing a beat, but Gray nudged him gently and they fell back into their rhythm.  

_And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming, or the moment of truth in your lies_    
_when everything feels like the movies - yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive_  

Something caught in Natsu's throat, and he felt the tears welling behind his eyes again. Gray leaned his head against Natsu's, rubbing his thumb in comforting circles over his thigh. As Natsu strummed the last few chords, he took a shuddering breath, then dropped his hand on top of Gray's.  

"I'm sorry," Gray murmured, moving the guitar out of the way. "I didn't mean to make you cry."  

"It's okay," Natsu said softly, rubbing his face with the back of his hand. He turned to face Gray and let the dark-haired boy pull him into a hug. After a moment, Gray pressed a soft kiss to the top of Natsu's head, then reached over to the coffee table and grabbed his phone.  

"I'm too emotionally drained to cook tonight," he announced, flopping back next to Natsu. "We're getting takeout. Pizza or Chinese?"  

"Pizza," Natsu replied, leaning back into the couch cushions and trying to keep the hopeful sensation in his chest alive. He noticed that Gray was still holding his hand, and he smiled.  

"Find us a movie on Netflix," Gray said, holding his phone away from his ear. Natsu nodded, grabbing the remote. "Just...nothing...super scary." Gray looked embarrassed. "That shit freaks me out at night."  

Natsu grinned. This was going to be  _fun_.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I fucking *hate* horror movies and if anyone pulled this shit on me I'd be pissed but I feel like Gray's not gonna be too mad. :P


	17. warrior

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gray is dealing with PTSD and his feelings for Natsu, while Natsu gets some unexpected news.

_S_ _o_ _I_ _let you in but I'm so scared of what you'll see_    
_J_ _ust skin and bones hiding this monster inside of me_    
_A_ _nd I don't need much, just a little room to breathe_    
_A_ _nd I need you, but I'm not so sure you need me_    
- Paradise Fears, "Warrior" 

Christmas Eve was tomorrow, and Gray was sort of, kind of, completely having the panic attack that he promised himself he wouldn't have.  

"Our body holds on to memories," his therapist had said. "An anniversary of a traumatic event can become almost as difficult as the event itself." Gray wasn't sure about that, because if tomorrow was worse than the day his parents died  _and_ the day that Lyon fucked him over  _put together_ , then it was going to be a shitstorm of epic proportions.  

"You okay?" Gray glanced up from the couch to see Natsu standing over him, and he shrugged. He felt bad – he'd been short and dismissive for most of the day, but Natsu seemed to take it in stride. In fact, he'd even made supper for the two of them – even though all he'd done was reheat pizza and throw some vegetables on the plate, it still made Gray feel slightly better.  

"Just..." He sighed. Natsu nodded, squeezing Gray's shoulder and not remarking on the flinch he received in response.  

"I'm gonna go shower." Gray nodded mutely, watching Natsu head down the hallway. As soon as he closed the door to the washroom, Gray dropped his head into his hands and sighed.  

He knew he was being stubborn. It's not like he was blind; it was clear that Natsu liked him, and the sexual tension in this apartment was rising to a ridiculous level. He  _could_ have just leaned down and kissed Natsu yesterday – it would have been easy, and his stomach fluttered every time he thought about it. 

There was just...he sighed and rubbed his face, trying to sort through the roiling mess of emotions in his chest. It wasn’t that he didn't trust Natsu. His therapist would have fun with this – she was always insisting that he needed to let people into his life rather than blocking them out. Easier said than done. He knew it was ridiculous and superstitious, but Gray worried that he was cursed.  

 _"," maman said, pressing a kiss to the top of five-year-old Gray's head. He bounced on his toes, then threw his arms around her waist. She was so pretty tonight, dressed up for Christmas Eve mass, and she smelled like her fancy perfume. _  

 _", maman!" She smiled and ruffled his hair. Papa knelt down next to him and Gray hugged him tightly, giggling at the tickle of papa's beard on his cheek. _  

 _"Be nice to Aunty Ur," he smiled, and Gray nodded his head, running back into his favorite babysitter's arms. "We love you," papa and maman said in unison._  

Gray leaned back into the cushions, smiling softly at the memory. At least he'd had the chance to say goodbye. 

 _"...they were both killed instantly, I'm so sorry." Gray stood at the foot of the stairs in his pajamas, the ones with the snowflakes on them, clutching his stuffed bear to his chest. Aunty Ur was at the front door, shoulders shaking with tears, lights from the police car painting the walls blue and red._  

 _"Wha's matter?" He asked sleepily, moving forward and tugging on her skirt. She turned to him, crouching down on the floor, and pulled him into her arms._  

 _"I'm so sorry, baby," she whispered, and even though he didn't know what had happened, he felt himself starting to cry._  

 _"I want maman and papa," he whispered, trying to pull himself out of Ur's embrace. She just held him tighter, stroking his hair and pressing a kiss to his cheek._  

 _"They're gone, sweetheart," Ur whispered, her voice breaking. "Maman and papa aren't coming home."_  

Present-day Gray scrubbed tears from his eyes, glad that Natsu was still in the shower so that he could have this moment to himself. If his parents dying had been the only tragedy in his life, Gray felt he could have handled it. But then Ur died, and Lyon left, and then Lyon fucking... 

 _Tabarnak_. He couldn't think about this shit anymore. Maybe one day when he wasn't a complete wreck of a human being, he could let Natsu in. For now, it was too messy, and too sad, and too...just too much. Natsu didn't deserve that. He had so much light in him, and Gray didn't want to snuff that out with his darkness.  

Gray stood up, stretched and wandered into the bedroom, slipping into the ensuite to pop out his contacts and brush his teeth. As he slid under the duvet and made himself comfortable, Natsu wandered into the bedroom, running a hand through his damp hair. He grabbed the roll of gauze from the dresser and tossed it at Gray, then slumped down on the bed and held out his hand.  

"Do you need anything for the pain?" Gray asked as he gently began to wrap the gauze around Natsu's arm. It had only been three days and the wound was already looking much better. Natsu shook his head, keeping his eyes averted. "You don't have to be embarrassed."  

"I am, though," Natsu said quietly, chewing on his thumbnail. "Not just that one. The other ones too." Both of Natsu's arms carried maps of older scars. Some were short and shallow and silvery white, others wide and deeper and redder. A series of small, circular burn marks dotted the inside of his left wrist as well.  

"I'm not judging," was all Gray could say, thinking of his own scars that he kept hidden from the world. He ran a thumb over a particularly nasty mark close to the inside of Natsu's elbow, and the pink-haired boy winced. "Sorry." After wrapping off the gauze, he trailed his fingers down to Natsu's palm and squeezed his hand.  

"Thanks." Natsu tugged on his shirt – Gray's shirt, Natsu still didn't have any of his own clothes – and flopped back down on the bed like a starfish, causing Happy to leap down to the floor with a disgruntled  _meow_. "I'm not tired yet," he complained, peering up at Gray from his upside-down position.  

“We are  _not_ watching another horror movie,” Gray growled.  

“Oh, come on, it wasn’t  _that_  bad,” Natsu insisted, grinning. Gray disagreed – whatever movie Natsu had picked last night had been terrifying. After the first monster had jumped out, Gray had spent the rest of the film under a blanket with Natsu’s arm wrapped around him. Now that he thought about it, that had probably been Natsu’s plan from the beginning. He rolled his eyes.  

"You could read," Gray suggested, gesturing at the bookshelf on the far side of the room. "I dunno what books you usually like, but I'm sure you could find something there." Natsu looked uncomfortable suddenly, and Gray frowned. "Hey," he said, nudging Natsu with his knee. "What's up?"  

"I can't...I don't read," Natsu admitted, refusing to look at Gray. "I mean, I like books," he added quickly. "It's the...words that are...difficult." Gray looked at him curiously for a moment, then realized what he meant.  

"Are you dyslexic?" He asked, hoping the question didn't come across as offensive as it seemed. Natsu just shrugged. 

"Dunno. I never got like, tested or anything." He fiddled with a loose thread on the hem of his shirt. "I can write okay – I mix up letters sometimes and spell shit wrong – but reading is just...it's like I can't focus. And the words move all over the place." He rolled until he was facing away from Gray, who sighed.  

"C'mere," he said softly, tugging on Natsu's shoulder until the other boy was looking up at him again. His cheeks were pink and he refused to look at Gray. "What kind of books do you like?"  

"I guess fantasy stuff, usually," he answered after a moment. "My...dad used to read me the Harry Potter books before he left. I liked the dragons."  

Gray squinted over at his bookshelf – it was mostly science fiction and he didn't own Harry Potter, but there was one book over there that would be perfect. He shimmied out from under the covers and grabbed it, then returned to bed, gesturing for Natsu to move closer.  

"I already said I can-"  

"Shush," Gray replied, rearranging them so that Natsu was basically cuddled alongside him, and the book was propped up on Gray's thigh. He reached over to the bedside table, giving Natsu a stern look as he did so. "No teasing," he muttered, grabbing his glasses and settling them on his face.  

"Oh. Wow." Natsu looked up at him, and Gray felt his face getting hot. "You normally wear contacts?" He nodded. "I like them. You look good." Gray glanced down at Natsu, who suddenly looked flustered. "They look good, I mean. The glasses. On you. Your face. It looks good." He sighed, burying his face in his hands. "You look older," he mumbled through his fingers.  

"Thank...you," Gray said slowly, feeling a smile creeping across his face. Natsu let out a deep breath, then looked up at Gray again with a pleading expression.  

"Please don't make me read," he said quietly, and Gray's heart sunk.  

"No, god, that's not...I'm not a monster." He sighed, shaking his head. "Just...be quiet." He flipped the book open, leaned back against the headboard, and began to read out loud.  

" _In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort."_  

 

* * *

 

The next morning, Gray had just hung up the phone with Richelle when Natsu meandered into the kitchen, yawning and rubbing his eyes. They had stayed up reading 'The Hobbit' until almost two in the morning, when Gray's voice had finally given out and Natsu had fallen asleep on Gray's shoulder.  

"I have potential good news, and potential bad news." Gray held out a cup of coffee for Natsu, who accepted it and slumped down onto a barstool.  

"Ugh...bad first." Natsu sipped the coffee. "Mmmm perfect sugar. Thanks." Gray rolled his eyes – the 'perfect amount of sugar' for Natsu was apparently almost five spoonfuls. It was pretty much sludge, which was horrifying as far as Gray was concerned.  

"You won't be getting your stuff back until after New Year's." Gray warmed his hands on his mug and sighed, sitting down next to Natsu, who looked...neutral.  

"Honestly, there's not much there that I care about." Natsu looked up at Gray and chewed on his lip. "I got my guitar and my sketchbook; the rest is just shitty clothes. I can...maybe talk to Richelle about getting some...money for new stuff." His face flushed pink and Gray sighed.  

"That probably won't happen for a few days either," he replied. "And the reason for that is the potential good news." Natsu looked at him curiously. "Don...is in jail."  

There was silence for a few seconds while Natsu blinked, mug of coffee halfway to his mouth.  

"Jail?" Gray placed a hand on Natsu's knee.  

"He assaulted Richelle." He tried to keep his voice gentle – he had no idea how Natsu would react to any of this. Relieved? Angry? A mix of both? "She's fine, just needed a few stitches, but when the police showed up he attacked one of them too." Natsu's face was unreadable. "He's going to be charged with assaulting a police officer, which could land him in jail for a while. They might need to come ask you some questions." At the hospital, Richelle and an officer had taken photos of the bruises on Natsu's face, but he hadn't really been coherent enough to talk to them.  

The silence continued, and Gray realized that Natsu was trembling slightly. He took the coffee cup out of Natsu's hands and set it, and his own, on the counter.  

"I'm not gonna ask if you're okay because that's a stupid question." Natsu exhaled softly. "I just..." Gray reached out and took Natsu's hands in his own.  

"Is there a word for when you're angry and relieved and happy and terrified all at the same time?" Natsu's voice was shaky.  

"I can't think of anything in either language," Gray said after a moment, and was relieved to see Natsu give him a half-smile. "But if you're mad, I can teach you to swear at him in French." Natsu laughed a little at that.  

"Sure. How do I say 'good riddance, you motherfucking cocksucker'?"  

" _Bon débarras, putain d'enculé de fils de pute._ " Gray replied without hesitation. "But don't tell Ultear I taught you that."  

Natsu met Gray’s eyes and dissolved into a fit of laughter. His laugh was contagious, and Gray found himself smiling.  

“Teach me more,” Natsu said, after he had regained his composure. Gray blinked. “French, I mean. It…I dunno. It’s really cool that you can speak another language. My mom disappeared before she could teach me any Japanese.”  

“Oh,” Gray replied, uncertain. He remembered moving here at fifteen and having the kids in his class tease him about his accent. It had faded over time, but the memories hadn’t. “Sure. What do you want to know?” Natsu glanced around the kitchen, then reached out and picked up his coffee, gesturing at the mug.  

“ _Café_ ,” Gray said, then added, “Although in your case I would call it  _la boue_.” Natsu frowned. “It means sludge.”  

“Hey!” Natsu pretended to be indignant, then sipped at the coffee and smiled in satisfaction. “Alright, how about... ‘music’.”  

“ _Musique_. You’re picking the words that are similar to English.”  

“Well then, I’m sure you know where this is going.” Natsu grinned, and Gray rolled his eyes.  

“Swearing?”  

“Swearing,” Natsu replied, wriggling in his chair.  

“It’s…a bit weird,” Gray admitted. “Québec French...it's all religious curses. There’s no literal translation. I mean, I can say  _câlice_ , which literally means 'chalice', and it can mean  _damn_ or  _shit_ or  _fuck_ , depending on how hard I say it and where it is in a sentence.”  

“What about what you said before? That wasn’t literal?” Gray let out a puff of laughter.  

“Kinda.  _Enculé_ means…” he trailed off, cheeks turning pink. “Ah, ‘someone who gets fucked in the ass’.” Natsu burst into laughter again, nearly dropping his coffee. “And  _fils de pute_ means ‘son of a bitch’ so the sentiment is still there.” He picked up his own mug and sipped it. “The word for ‘cock’ is  _la bitte,_ but there isn’t really a literal translation of ‘cocksucker’.”  

“Oh my god, that's amazing,” Natsu’s smile was wide, and his cheeks were pink, and he looked like he had on the first day they'd met. 

“It’s good to see your smile,” Gray said before he could stop himself.  _Argh,_ he thought, feeling his cheeks turn pink with embarrassment.  _I'm supposed to be repressing the gay comments, not making more of them._ Natsu gazed at him, then grinned even wider. 

“It’s good to smile,” he replied. He looked around the apartment, then back to Gray. "Can we go...somewhere today? Even just for a walk. I'm feeling..."  

"Me too," Gray agreed, "and you're going to laugh at my idiotic lack of planning but I still have to get some Christmas shopping done." Natsu gave him a funny look. "And I can't get anything shipped here, so I don't really shop online." He had explained the 'protected address' bit to Natsu when they'd had to go pick up their pizza instead of having it delivered, but Natsu had seemed unfazed by it. 

"I'm not saying this to play the 'pity the poor kid in foster care' card, but I have literally never gone Christmas shopping." Natsu looked a bit embarrassed. "I never had anyone to buy gifts for, y'know?"  

Gray paused for a moment as he thought about what Natsu was saying.  

"You mean your...foster parents didn't..."  

"We usually got that stuff from the charities," Natsu replied. He wandered into the kitchen and popped the fridge door open, and it hit Gray how  _at home_  Natsu seemed. "I think the second one I was at had a tree? I guess you don't have one, hey?"  

"N-no, Ultear decorates and I just...go there. Less work for me." Memories of childhood Christmases were flooding through Gray's head –  _maman_ helping him bake Christmas cookies, sleigh rides through the snow with Ultear and Lyon, Christmas mornings opening gifts from Père Noël. It amazed him that he was twenty-one years old and had never really considered that other people his age didn't have those memories.  

"Hey, I said no pity." Natsu emerged from the fridge with some bread and a jam jar, which he waved at Gray in an admonishing manner. He tossed a couple of slices in the toaster and leaned against the counter. "Yeah, I had a shitty childhood. But I...get to spend Christmas with you this year." The way Natsu said  _you_  made Gray's chest swell a bit.  

"Ultear goes all out," he said, finishing off his coffee and snagging a slice of toast as it popped. Natsu stuck his tongue out, but Gray smirked and ignored him. "Their tree is like, eight feet tall. The kids all get spoiled rotten, and so do I, even though I've told her not to. So that's gonna extend to you this year too." Ultear had texted Gray a few times asking about items for Natsu's stocking, but Gray felt like he hadn't been much help.  

"They don't have to get me anything," Natsu mumbled as he grabbed his own toast.  

"Once my sister gets something in her head," Gray replied, "there is literally nothing you can do to stop her." He tossed his dishes in the sink and stretched. "So you might as well just let it happen."  

 

* * *

 

They decided to walk to main street, since Gray only needed a few small items. Snow was falling in soft flakes and drifting to the ground, where they melted almost instantaneously.  

"I don't think I'll ever get used to this," Gray said softly. Natsu turned and gave him a quizzical look. "In Montréal, it would snow like crazy. Some years it was almost as tall as I was." He held a hand around his hip height, and Natsu's eyes widened.  

"That must have been awesome," he exclaimed. "One year here it was super deep, and I was in this big group home with about ten kids, so we made his huge snow fort in their backyard. Then we had a snowball fight that ended up going until it was too dark to see each other."  

"I used to build snow forts with Ultear and..." Gray hesitated. Did he want to do this? Acknowledging that he even  _had_ a brother had been difficult enough, but could he talk about him without feeling angry and bitter? He exhaled sharply. "...and Lyon."  

"I feel like you were probably the reigning snowball fight champion," Natsu said, grinning. Gray felt himself starting to smile.  

"Actually, him and I were pretty evenly matched." Just a little sting. It didn't feel like he was falling apart. He could do this. "We were so mean to Ultear, I feel bad now. She would usually end up going inside with mom, and... Lyon and I would stay out and just pummel each other into the snow." Each time he said Lyon's name, it was slightly less painful.  

"Were – are you two the same age?" Gray nodded.  

"Our birthdays are two days apart. Beginning of December."  

"Happy belated birthday, then."  

"Thanks." He watched Nastu kick little puffs of snow up as he walked, hands tucked into the pockets of Gray's old winter coat, a white-and-black patterned scarf wrapped around his neck. Gray was curious about that – it had been tucked into his guitar case, but he had never seen Natsu wear it before.   

"Hey, is that – Lucy! Lucy, over here!" Natsu was waving, and Gray glanced across the street to see that it was Lucy, and she had Kaden in a sling on her chest. Natsu bounded across the road to her and squeezed her in a tight hug, pressing a kiss to Kaden's forehead. "How's it going?"  

"Busy! I'm so happy to see you," Lucy said, setting down her shopping bags, then turning and giving Gray a look that said  _can I hug you?_ He shrugged his shoulders, leaning forward and letting her wrap her arms around his neck. "Is Gray taking good care of you?"  

"Y-yeah," Natsu said, blushing and fiddling with the fraying ends of his scarf. "You shopping?" Lucy nodded, shifting Kaden and groaning.  

"Yes, but this monster is getting heavier and heavier," she grumbled. "Loke's working today so he and I are on our own."  

"Let me take him," Natsu said, reaching his arms out tentatively. "I-if that's okay." Lucy smiled brightly, reaching up and unhooking the carrier from her shoulder. She held it out to Natsu, and Gray was surprised to see him slide it on like he'd done it hundreds of times. He probably had, Gray realized. "C'mere, you," Natsu cooed at Kaden, who was dressed in a white fleece outfit that made him look like a polar bear. "How's my boy?"  

"What are you two here for?" Lucy asked Gray, as Natsu tightened the sling and shifted Kaden until he was comfortable.  

"Just last-minute stuff," Gray said, looking between the two of them and getting an idea. "Lucy, do you...I mean, if it's okay with you, Natsu..." He ran a hand through his hair, sighing.  

"Natsu can come with me if you need to get something  _special_ ," Lucy teased, bumping Gray with her shoulder. His face flushed red, but he gave a half-nod. Was he that obvious? "Why don't we meet back here in an hour?" She pointed above them at the Starbucks sign, and Gray nodded. Natsu was so engrossed in conversing with Kaden that he barely even noticed Gray leaving.  

 _It's good for him to spend time with someone other than me,_ Gray reasoned as he made his way through the crowds. He managed to get his family shopping done in record time – books for the kids, a mug and some tea for Ultear, and a new set of gloves for his brother-in-law, Xavier. The last place he stopped was a small, eclectic shop of knick-knacks, where he hoped they would still have what he was looking for.  

Squeezing his way through rows of antique telephones, vinyl records, cassette tapes and hand-made coasters, he finally made it to the back of the store where the notebooks were kept. He flipped through them one by one, until he found what he was after. It was a journal, leather-bound, with blank pages that would be perfect for sketching. And on the cover was an ornate embossment of a red dragon.  _Perfect_.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **French Translations**  
>  Essaie d'être un bon garçon = Try to be a good boy  
> Je t'aime = I love you  
> Tabarnak = Fuck  
> Père Noël = Santa
> 
> I'm leaving it up to you to decide what kind of horror movie Natsu made him watch. :P I'm a huge wuss, so something like 'Supernatural' is scary to me!


	18. who do you love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Christmas Eve, and Natsu and Gray have an important conversation. Sylvie is adorable. Gray and Ultear talk about Lyon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, it's Christmas! There's a lot of French in this chapter, which I did on purpose because Natsu would definitely be overwhelmed in a household that didn't often speak English. Sylvie speaks 'Franglish', a weird, grammatically-incorrect mix of English and French.

_God, it's been so long wide awake that I feel like someone else_    
_I'll miss the way that you saw me or maybe the way I saw myself_    
_But, I came back to you broken and I've been away too long_    
_I hear the words I've spoken and everything comes out wrong_    
_Just can't get this together, can't get where I belong_  
\- Marianas Trench, "Who Do You Love" 

When Natsu woke up on the morning of Christmas Eve, Gray was still asleep. This was the first time that had happened – usually Gray got up at a ridiculous hour, went swimming, and was back before Natsu had even contemplated getting out of bed.   

Sleeping in the same bed felt natural now. At first, Gray had tried to insist that he should sleep on the couch, then stood there blustering like an idiot until Natsu had just shoved him onto the bed and tumbled after him. There had been some half-hearted grumbling, and some attempts to shove pillows between them, but once the lights were off, Gray hadn’t protested when Natsu had wrapped an arm around his waist and cuddled up to him.  

This morning, Gray was the one cuddling _him_ , face buried in Natsu’s chest. Natsu’s shirt had ridden up at some point, and Gray’s hand rested on his bare stomach, which was sort of making Natsu’s brain short-circuit. It didn't help that Gray was adorable when he slept. His mouth was slightly open, and his soft snores were puffing wayward strands of hair out of his face. Natsu reached over and gently ran his fingers through the thick locks, brushing them out of Gray’s eyes.  

“That feels nice.” Natsu jumped a little at Gray’s muffled voice, then hummed in agreement, continuing to comb his fingers through Gray’s hair.  

“How’re you feeling?” He asked gently. Gray hadn't slept well, and Natsu had woken him from several nightmares. Gray grunted and kept his face buried in Natsu’s shirt. “That good, huh?” Gray didn’t reply, and Natsu didn’t push it.  

They lay like that for the better part of an hour, Natsu running his fingers through Gray’s hair, until Gray finally let out a loud sigh.  

“I’m sorry,” he said, leaning away from Natsu and sitting up. “Did I keep you up all night?” He looked so dejected that Natsu sat up as well, frowning at Gray.  

"Did you not spend almost forty-eight hours awake saving my _life_ recently?" Gray didn't have an answer for that, just picked at the hem of his pajama pants. "You...were calling for your parents. In your sleep." There was a long silence.  

"It's been sixteen fucking years, you think I'd be over it by now," Gray mumbled, pulling his knees up to his chest and hiding his face behind his arms. "But every year..."  

"I don't think you ever get over something like that," Natsu said, thinking about the keen sense of abandonment that still stung when he thought about his father.  

"I'm cursed," Gray said, voice muffled. "Everyone I love either dies or fucks me over." He glanced over his arms at Natsu, and his eyes were dull.  

"I haven't died or fucked you over," Natsu argued. He realized that he had just included himself in the category of ‘people that Gray loved’ without thinking, and Gray wasn't arguing. 

"You _almost_ died," Gray retorted, and anger flared up in Natsu's chest almost instantly.  

"That had _nothing_ to do with you," he growled. Gray looked shocked by the sudden change in attitude. "There were a _lot_ of reasons that I tried to kill myself," Natsu continued, voice sharp, "but you were never one of them. Don't you _dare_ think that you had _anything_ to do with it." Natsu's chest was shaking now, and Gray was staring at him with a mix of bewilderment and disbelief.  

"But...you..."  

"You are not responsible for my fucked-up brain." The anger had drained from Natsu's body and he was instead filled with concern for his friend. "The only person who made that choice was _me_. It was a fucking terrible decision, but it was _my_ decision."  

Gray didn't say anything, only sat there while countless emotions flickered across his face. Natsu frowned. Was _this_ why Gray was so reluctant to get closer to him? Because he thought he was...what, somehow damaged beyond repair and would fuck Natsu up if he got caught in the vortex of shitty circumstance?  

"I didn't...I don't..." Gray looked so lost.  

"You know what you _did_ do?" Natsu asked. Gray looked immediately concerned, and Natsu reached out a hand to reassure him. Gray flinched, but let Natsu touch him. "You saved my _life_ , you idiot. You're not cursed, I'm not going to die or leave or fuck you over. I'm here _because_ of you.” He raised his hand up and brushed Gray’s hair out of his face. "You're not going to hurt me. The only thing that hurts me is watching you deal with this alone." 

Gray was staring at him now, uncertainty in his eyes.  

“I know shitty stuff has happened to you, and I’m so sorry. But that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be happy _now_.” Nervousness bubbled in Natsu's chest as he leaned over and pressed a soft, chaste kiss at the corner of Gray’s mouth.  

“Just think about it, okay?” Then he kissed Gray’s forehead, stood from the bed, and left Gray looking stunned and bewildered in the middle of a pile of blankets.  

 

* * *

 

"Uncle Gray!" An excited shout was followed by a tiny, dark-haired girl who threw herself at Gray and wrapped her arms around his knees. " _Joyeaux_ _No_ _ël_!" Natsu stood awkwardly at the door to Ultera's house, holding a stack of presents and feeling slightly terrified. 

" _,_ _coco_ ," Gray replied fondly, kneeling down beside the girl and brushing a curl of hair from her face. She bounced on her toes excitedly. There were pink streaks in her hair, and she wore a Star Wars hoodie over a pair of bright yellow leggings.  

" __!" She exclaimed, pointing into the living room. Gray laughed, pressing a kiss to her cheek. She turned to look up at Natsu, who smiled nervously. " __?"

" _..._ " Gray glanced up at Natsu, looking slightly embarrassed. " __," he said finally. The little girl flashed Natsu a mischievous smile.

" _!_ " She exclaimed, then pointed at her own hair. Gray laughed.  

"Yes, he does have pink hair just like you." He stood up, scooping the girl into his arms. "He also doesn't speak French, so __." The girl looked at Natsu contemplatively as Gray moved to stand beside him. "Natsu, this is my niece, Sylvie."

"Hello Sylvie," Natsu said softly. She was gazing intently into his eyes and he swallowed heavily. Suddenly, she reached up a hand and began petting his hair.  

"Na'su pretty," she announced, and Gray snorted as Natsu’s face turned bright red. "Come! Presents!" She squirmed until Gray set her down, then ran off in the direction of the living room.   

Natsu felt a hand tugging at the back of his jacket, and he let Gray slip it off his arms and hang it in the closet. He set down the gifts and began fiddling with the too-long sleeves of Gray's dress shirt. It felt strange to be wearing Gray's clothes all the time, but Gray didn't seem to mind at all. 

"You should have let me hem those," Gray said softly, reaching out and helping Natsu roll the sleeves up just enough to not cover his hands.  

"I still can't believe you can sew," Natsu replied, breath hitching when he felt Gray's fingers accidentally brush the inside of his wrist. _Get ahold of yourself_ , he thought desperately. The air between them had been infused with a new kind of tension ever since this morning, and Natsu wasn't sure what to make of it.  

"I'm a man of many mysterious talents," Gray replied. The words were teasing, but the tone was...new. Gray looked unsettled now, fingers still pinched on the sleeve of Natsu's shirt, lip caught between his teeth. Natsu suddenly realized how close they were standing. 

" __ _!_ " Gray jumped away from Natsu at the sound of Ultear's voice, glaring at her half-heartedly as she came around the corner, carrying a tray of cookies. "Hello, Natsu." Natsu blushed and looked up at her shyly. He hadn't seen her since the hospital, and didn't really remember much from that night.  

"H-hello," he managed. "I, uh...thank you for having me here." Ultear smiled at him. Even though though they both had the same dark hair, it was obvious that her and Gray were not biologically related. And Gray's voice didn't carry the slight accent that Ultear's did.  

"It is no problem," she replied, smiling warmly at him. "We always have plenty of food – and it is good to see Gray making friends!” The last part was mock-whispered at Natsu while Gray glared. Natsu noticed he didn’t argue, though. “Come meet the other kids! I will tell them to speak English but they don't always listen."   

Natsu trailed behind Gray as they walked into the living area. The room was a disaster, but a beautiful one. The giant tree in the corner was decorated with multicolored lights and home-made ornaments, and piles of beautifully wrapped presents were stacked underneath. A long table was set with an assortment of food, and each place-setting sported a Christmas cracker.  

"This is...amazing," he whispered, taking it all in. Gray turned back to look at him, and there was something warm and open in his eyes. He reached out and grasped Natsu's hand, who took it without thinking and gave Gray an excited smile. 

"It's kinda chaotic," Gray muttered, glancing over at the piles of books and toys. 

"It's perfect," Natsu breathed. He looked down as if he had only just realized that their hands were clasped, and his face flushed red.  

A frustrated shouting match suddenly broke out on the other side of the room, and Natsu looked over to see Sylvie pushing a smaller boy. Gray quickly let go of Natsu's hand, moving over to intervene. He spoke rapidly in French to the two children, who both looked chagrined. The little boy reached out for Gray to pick him up, and he obliged, bringing him back over to where Natsu was standing.  

"You met Sylvie," he said, brushing back the boy's dark hair. "This is her little brother Renaud." The boy's pudgy face broke into a smile as he gestured at Natsu's hair. Gray laughed as Natsu leaned down to let the boy touch it. "Your hair is a big hit with the kids," Gray joked. Natsu felt his arm brush against Gray's and shivered, using Renaud's squirming as an excuse to move closer.  

"The, uh, the little one over there is Félix." Gray gestured to a high chair in the corner where yet another dark-haired child, who looked about the same age as Kaden, was making a mess of some kind of food. "And this is my brother-in-law, Xavier." Natsu turned around to see a slim, blonde man with black-rimmed glasses and a rather tacky Christmas sweater. Natsu immediately realized how close he was standing to Gray and took a step backward.  

"I guess the dark hair is dominant," he joked, reaching out to shake Xavier's hand. The blonde man laughed, rubbing his head ruefully.  

"Yes, they do all take after their mother," he replied, pinching Renaud's cheek. The toddler giggled and buried his face in Gray's neck. Natsu watched, entranced, as Gray nonchalantly leaned down and pressed a kiss to Renaud's hair. Was this really the boy who had told him to fuck off the first time they met? Or who had broken Gajeel’s nose? He looked gorgeous, dressed in his cardigan and dark jeans, cuddling his nephew and laughing, backlit by the multicolored Christmas lights… 

"Na'su!" Sylvie came running over and tugged at his pant leg, and he crouched down in front of her. She was holding out a toy that looked very familiar.  

"Is that Pikachu?" He asked excitedly. Sylvie's face lit up and she grinned, reaching out and tugging on his hand and directing him to a bin of Pokémon toys on the other side of the room.  

"More! Uncle Gray! Come play!"  

 

* * *

 

Dinner was a chaotic affair – Renaud and Félix both demanded a lot of their parent’s attention, so Gray had seated himself and Natsu on either side of Sylvie to help keep the peace. After spending half an hour playing Pokémon, Sylvie had declared that “Uncle Na'su” was her new best friend, and was talking his ear off as they ate.  

“Wha ‘sat?” She demanded, mouth full of food, pointing her fork at Natsu’s eyebrow piercing.  

“It’s, uh, like jewelry,” Natsu replied. Sylvie looked at him with glee.  

“!” She shouted, and Ultear turned to give her daughter a stern look.  

“Not until you’re sixteen,” she said fondly, and Sylvie pouted.  

“ for sis-teen?” She demanded of Natsu, who blinked as he tried to do the mental math.  

“Lots,” he replied finally, and Sylvie looked dejected. “But you already have awesome pink in your hair!” Her expression changed and she stuck her hands in her hair proudly. Gray snorted as she managed to smear mashed potato on her forehead.  

“Can you pass the potatoes, please?” Natsu smiled across the table at Ultear. “Everything is amazing.” Gray had explained all of the dishes to him – a traditional French Canadian meal of tourtière (delicious meat pie), fèves au lard (sweet and sugary baked beans), coleslaw, and the creamiest mashed potatoes he’d ever eaten.  

“ __, Natsu,” she responded while trying to convince Renaud to try coleslaw. Gray reached over and grabbed the potatoes and moved to pass it to Natsu, but instead cried out in pain and dropped the bowl. “Gray!” Ultear moved to jump up, but Gray waved her back into her seat. He reached up with his left hand and grabbed his shoulder, grimacing.

“I’m fine,” he said, voice tight. “It was just heavier than I expected, that’s all.” Natsu frowned. He could see redness creeping up Gray’s face and coloring the tips of his ears.  

“Uncle Gray owie?” Sylvie’s voice piped up, and she stared at Gray in concern. Gray smiled reassuringly at her, wiping the potato from her forehead. 

“Nope, all good, __.” He rolled the shoulder a couple times, but Natsu could still see the lines of pain on his face. Clearly he wasn’t fine. He’d seemed okay for the past few days, but yesterday and this morning it seemed to be bothering him.

“You had owie at hospital,” Sylvie declared, and Gray’s jaw twitched. He darted a glance over to Natsu, who tried to look neutral and disinterested. If Gray wanted to keep this private, he wasn’t going to pry, no matter how curious he was. 

“Yep, but it’s fine now.” He tried to keep his voice light and tried to redirect her. “Do you like your supper?” But Sylvie was persistent.  

“Owie for long time,” she said solemnly. “Here an’ here.” She pointed to her own shoulder, and also to her stomach.  

“Xavier, I think it’s time for dessert,” Ultear announced quickly, which immediately drew Sylvie’s attention away from her uncle. Natsu saw him sigh in relief and give Ultear a grateful look as the tension dissipated. Natsu chewed the end of his fork, gazing at Gray curiously. What had Lyon done to him? 

 

* * *

 

Once the table was cleared and the floor was covered in wrapping paper and ribbons, Natsu excused himself to the washroom. Everyone had been allowed to open one present, and he was still red-faced from having received a gift from Ultear – a beautiful dark cardigan that nearly matched Gray’s. It was the first _nice_ piece of clothing he’d ever owned, and he’d almost cried when he opened it.  

He stood in the washroom for a moment, leaning on the counter and staring at his reflection in the mirror. His hair was a hilarious mess, full of glitter and pieces of ribbon that Sylvie had tried to ‘braid’ into it.   

Natsu found himself grinning. He was exhausted and messy and his shirt was rumpled, but he hadn’t felt this happy in a long time. No matter what happened between him and Gray, this was a memory that Natsu would always treasure.  

He was heading back towards the living room when he heard heated voices, and realized that Gray and Ultear were arguing in the front entrance. Natsu hesitated. If he walked past right now, he might be interrupting something, but if he waited, he might hear something that Gray didn’t want him to hear.  

“ __.” Right. He didn’t understand French anyway. Ultear’s voice was pleading, though. “ __.” _Frère_. Brother. That was one word that Natsu remembered from French class. _Shit_ , they were talking about Lyon.  

“ __!” Gray’s voice was tight with anger, and Natsu heard a noise like paper ripping.

“ _Gray, il_ —” 

“ __!” Gray shouted. The sounds of the kids playing in the living room came to an abrupt stop, and Natsu could hear a sharp intake of breath from Ultear.

“Gray.” Her voice was stern.  

“ __.” Gray’s words were apologetic, but he still sounded furious. “ __.” The front closet opened and Natsu heard hangers rattling. “ __.” And then the front door slammed and Gray was gone, and Ultear was peering around the corner at Natsu.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, looking down at his feet. “I didn’t mean to eavesdrop – I mean, I can’t even understand French anyway, and I don’t wanna make Gray upse—”  

“I have already made him upset,” Ultear replied, reaching out for Natsu’s arm and pulling him into a hug. She smelled like vanilla. “I am sorry you had to see that. Gray is…angry about many things. I should not have brought it up tonight.” She released him and then reached up to brush a strand of hair from her face.  

“He…” Natsu trailed off, biting his lip ring between his teeth. “He’s in pain a lot.” Ultear nodded sadly. Natsu noticed that she was holding a stack of envelopes in her hand, and that the top one was ripped mostly in half and addressed to Gray. “I know a little...I just wanted to wait until he was ready to tell me.”  

“I’m not certain he will ever be ready,” Ultear said softly. She looked over in the direction of the living room and sighed. “I’ve done everything I can for him.”  

“I’ll go find him,” Natsu said, moving past Ultear to grab his jacket from the closet. “I’ll bring him home.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **French Translations**  
>  Joyeaux Noël! = Merry Christmas!  
> Cadeaux = presents  
> C'est qui? = Who's that?  
> C'est mon/C'est Natsu = That's my/That's Natsu  
> Cheveux roses = pink hair  
> Anglais s'il vous plait = (speak) English please  
> Bonjour mon petit frère! = Hello, little brother!  
> Me aussi = me too  
> Combien = how many  
> Tresor = sweetheart (nickname for child, literally means "treasure")  
> Tu devrais au moins les ouvrir = You should at least open them  
> Il est ton frère = He's your brother  
> Il n'est pas mon criss de frère! = He's not my fucking brother!  
> Que le diable l'emporte! = He can die in hell! (colloquial, literally means 'may the devil take him')  
> Désolé, mais je ne le pardonnerai jamais. = I'm sorry, but I will never forgive him.  
> J'peux pas. = I can't (do this right now).


	19. battle scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gray tells Natsu about Lyon, and Natsu tries to help him feel better.

_I'll carry you home, no you're not alone_  
_Keep marching on – this is worth fighting for_  
_Y_ _ou know we've all got battle scars_  
\- Paradise Fears, "Battle Scars" 

Gray sat on the roundabout at the park near Ultear's house, knees tucked under his chest, hands trembling. He wasn't surprised when he heard footsteps nearby, and when Natsu slumped down next to him, he sighed.  

"You'd better not start spinning this thing," Natsu joked quietly. "I get really bad motion sickness – this could be a disaster."  Gray breathed out a small sound of amusement, knocking his knee against Natsu’s. A gentle silence descended over them, a sharp contrast to the jumble of sounds and images in Gray's brain.  

 _...need to hide...can't let him know you're-….call the police...a soft knock on his front door...shock of white hair...red and blue lights on the wall..."they're not coming home"...Lyon's eyes that didn't see him..."it should have been you the first time"…_ _so much blood…sirens and blurry voices…_  

"Lyon shot me." Gray felt Natsu stiffen beside him, and his stomach dropped. _Please don't leave_ , he thought, clenching his fists. "Last year. He...it's..." He sighed, burying his face in his hands. "It's a really fucking long story." He felt a soft bump against his shoulder, and glanced over at Natsu.  

"Do you want to tell me?" His eyes were open and honest, and Gray felt that fear again, the terror of tarnishing Natsu's _goodness_ with all this garbage. Natsu must have been able to read his mind, because he added, "You told me that I didn't have to do this alone. You don't either."  

Natsu held out his hand and Gray hesitated for only a second before grabbing it and lacing their fingers together. He took a deep breath, trying to figure out where to begin. Once he started talking, he knew he wasn’t going to be able to stop. 

"Lyon...blamed me for mom's death. Probably still does." He licked his lips, feeling his stomach revolt against him. Everything in him screamed at him to _shut up, he could still walk away from this intact._ He breathed deeply, trying to remember Natsu’s words from earlier. _You’re not going to hurt me. The only thing that hurts me is watching you_ _deal with this alone._  

"I'm sure it wasn't your fau-"  

"My uncle murdered her," Gray snarled. _Fuck_ , this was hard. "Sorry, I'm not...good at this..." Gray sighed and Natsu squeezed his hand. 

"Take your time," Natsu said gently, and Gray nodded.  

"My uncle – Jean-Yves – was never...well," he said after a moment. "He had a lot of mental health issues that he wouldn't get help for. When my...parents died...he wanted me to live with him, but he was deemed 'unfit'. He kinda lost it." Natsu rubbed his thumb over Gray's knuckles. "He was in and out of jail, and he was banned from seeing me. I guess he tried to grab me a few times while we were out grocery shopping."  

"Jesus," Natsu said quietly, and Gray nodded. The snow was coming down harder now, and Natsu shifted closer, wrapping his arm around Gray.  

"Six years ago he...showed up at our house..."  

 _"Lyon, take Gray and hide in the basement." His mom's face was terrified in a way that Gray had never seen it before, not even the night his parents died._  

 _"Mom, what's going on?" She grabbed his hands and peeked around the corner at the front door, where someone was banging on it as hard as they could. "We should call the pol-"_  

 _"Your sister's already on the phone with them," she whispered, grabbing him and Lyon by the sides of their faces and pulling them in to her. "No matter what happens, I love you both. Now for once in your lives, listen to your mother and HIDE. Please."_  

"We lived in...a rural area...so it took the police a bit to get there." Gray felt like everything around him was muffled; his voice sounded so far away. "Mom was...she knew he would..."  

 _"What the fuck is going on?" Lyon's eyes were wide with panic as he and Gray huddled in the crawlspace – two lanky fifteen-year-olds with too-long legs. "We have to go back up."_  

 _"I can't hear anything," Gray whispered, his entire body trembling. He didn't even push Lyon away when his brother reached out and took Gray's hand in his own. "I'm scared."_  

 _"Me too," Lyon whispered, and then there was a BANG, and then another one, and Gray's heart stopped._  

 _"Mom!" He shouted, kicking open the door to the crawlspace and dashing up the stairs. The front door was wide open and there was... He stopped dead, Lyon crashing into his back. "Mom," he whispered. She was so still and there was so much blood._  

"She tried to talk to him, I guess, the police weren't sure why she opened the door." He could feel Natsu's hand rubbing soft circles on his lower back. "H-he k-killed her and t-then shot h-himself..." An uncomfortable heat flooded through Gray's body, and he tensed, feeling like he was going to be sick. 

"I'm sorry," Natsu whispered, leaning his head against Gray's shoulder. "I'm so sorry."  

"I don't remember much after that, Ultear got custody of us and we moved here." He focused on the weight of Natsu's hand in his, solid and warm and _there_. "Lyon got into drugs with the gang and got arrested. I told you that part." Natsu nodded. "After juvie he just got worse." 

 _"FUCK YOU!" Lyon's face was contorted in anger, and Gray flinched away from it. "It's your fucking fault I was there in the first place, you fucking traitor." Lyon's eyes were so hard and dark, and Gray searched for his brother in that darkness but found only monsters. "We aren't family anymore." Lyon spat the words and shoved Gray backwards, and Gray felt his heart breaking. "Get the fuck away from me."_  

"He disappeared." Gray's chest still ached from that conversation. He and Lyon were supposed to move out together, both finish high school and get a fresh start, but drugs had taken Lyon down a different path. "Ultear warned me that she knew who he was hanging out with, and that they were dangerous, but...it was like he'd died. Nobody talked about him anymore. It was easier to pretend I didn’t have a brother."  

Gray shivered a bit, looking up into the sky and watching the heavy flakes tumble onto his cheeks.  

"He showed up at my place one night," Gray continued, gripping Natsu's hand tightly to keep his from shaking. God, why did this memory _hurt_ so badly? So much more than the others?  

 _"Lyon?" Gray swung the door open and there was his brother, same hair, new leather jacket. He looked up, and all Gray could see was a stranger with glassy eyes and a sneer on his face. "What are you--"_  

 _"It should have been you the first time," Lyon growled, swaying unsteadily. Gray frowned in confusion, and when Lyon reached into his jacket, all Gray knew was pain._  

"He was high and...he just..." Gray squeezed his eyes shut, as if that would erase the memory. "He shot me here-" he pointed at his shoulder "-and here." His hand dropped to the right side of his stomach. "I didn't even know he had a gun."  

“I can’t believe you’ve been carrying this alone for so long,” Natsu whispered, bringing his hand up to stroke Gray’s hair. Gray turned his face until it was buried in Natsu’s shoulder, and he finally, _finally_ let himself cry.   

“The worst part is, he’s right,” Gray sobbed, feeling tension flood out of his shoulders as he pressed himself to Natsu's chest. “It _is_ my fault.” Natsu made a soft sound of disagreement, but Gray ignored him. “It _should_ have been me. I don’t know how Ultear can stand to look at me when I killed her mom.” Oh god, why were all these fears just spilling out of him? 

“Gray,” Natsu said, and his voice was soft but admonishing. “It wasn’t your fault.” Gray shook his head, shoulders shaking with sobs, while Natsu continued to stroke his hair. “It wasn’t your fault,” he repeated.  

“I h-hate…I j-just…” He was choking on his tears now, and Natsu wrapped both arms around him, pulling Gray closer.  

“Was it my fault that Don hit Richelle?” The words were soft, but they cut straight through Gray.  

“N-no…” he whispered.  

“What about when he hurt that cop?” Gray shook his head, hiccupping a bit. “Then how can something that your estranged uncle did be your responsibility?”  

“B-but…” There was a weight in his chest now, and it felt like he couldn’t breathe.  

“Ultear and Xavier and the kids all love you so much, Gray,” Natsu whispered, cupping the back of Gray’s neck with one hand. “And I do too.” The last part was whispered, but Gray heard it as clearly as if Natsu had shouted. He shivered, breathing shakily.  

“Sometimes I don’t feel like I deserve it,” Gray replied, resting his forehead on Natsu's shoulder. “I just keep seeing his face. It was Christmas, I thought maybe…he wanted to make amends. I dunno.” He sniffed.  

“Last Christmas?” Natsu asked gently. Gray nodded. “And it still hurts?”  

“Every fucking day,” Gray whispered, covering his eyes with his hand. “I hate him.”  

“I’m pretty sure you’re allowed to hate the person who _shot_ you,” Natsu said. Gray made a sound that might have been a muffled laugh. His throat felt raw and his eyes were swollen, but he felt…lighter. 

“C’mere.” Natsu let go of him, then stood up and reached out his hand. Gray let Natsu pull him to his feet, then dusted the snow from his shoulders. Natsu grabbed his shoulders and pulled him in for a tight hug, and Gray sighed, clutching the other boy to him tightly.  

“Alright, come with me.” Natsu broke the embrace and grabbed Gray’s hand instead, leading him over to the swing sets. He gestured to the pile of fluffy snow that was just outside of the park. “Bet you I can land in that pile.” Gray raised an eyebrow, then let Natsu tug his arm until he was sitting on one of the swings. Natsu placed his hands in the middle of Gray’s back, then pushed the swing forward.  

“Bet you I can jump farther,” Gray countered, voice still hoarse. Natsu hopped into the swing next to Gray and pushed himself backward, kicking up a flurry of snow with his sneakers. Gray copied the motion, then pumped his legs beneath him to encourage the swing to fly higher. Natsu stuck out his tongue at Gray, and the gesture was so ridiculously _Natsu_ that Gray began to laugh.  

He closed his eyes for a moment, remembering summertime with Lyon and Ultear, pretending they could swing high enough to reach the sky. When he opened his eyes, he kicked up again, and leaned backwards until his hair nearly brushed the ground on the upswing. With one final kick, he let go, flying through the air and landing directly in the snowbank.  

“Incoming!” He turned to see Natsu sailing through the air, and barely managed to roll out of the way before Natsu landed in the same spot, stumbling and landing face-first on Gray’s stomach.  

“Oof.” Gray smiled as Natsu rolled over, and they lay side by side on their backs in the soft snow, staring up at the stars.  

Gray glanced over at Natsu, who was grinning at him mischievously.  

“What are yo—” 

“Snowball fight!” Natsu smashed a handful of snow into Gray’s face and he spluttered, rolling up onto his elbows.  

“You have no idea what you’ve gotten yourself into,” he growled as Natsu jumped up and ran off behind a tree, laughing hysterically. Gray began to scoop snow from the ground, and he felt a rush of nostalgia flow through him – but this time, it didn’t hurt.  

As he launched his first snowball at Natsu, he felt a strange peace descending over him. Maybe he wasn’t cursed after all.  

 

* * *

 

A couple hours later, Ultear’s front door burst open to reveal two soaking wet young men with flushed cheeks and dripping hair.  

“Look what I found,” Natsu quipped, nudging Gray ahead of him. Ultear let out a relieved sigh, stepping forward and pulling Gray into her arms, ignoring the wet puddle spreading around him. He resisted for a second, then exhaled and relaxed into the hug, burying his face in her chest.  

 _“," _ he mumbled, then made a soft _oof_ as Ultear pulled Natsu into the embrace.  

“Thank you for taking care of my baby brother,” she said to Natsu, releasing them both and putting a hand on the side of his face. “You are good for him.” Both boys turned pink almost immediately and refused to look at each other. “Give me your jackets and go change into dry clothes. Then I believe Sylvie wants her ‘new Uncle Natsu’ to read her a story before bed.” Natsu turned an even darker shade of fuchsia, but relinquished his jacket and followed Gray down the hall and into the guest bedroom.  

“These’ll be even bigger than mine,” Gray said quietly, rummaging through the dresser and holding out a pair of pajama pants and a long-sleeved shirt. Natsu took them silently, then began stripping off his wet clothes, realizing only once he was half-naked what a terrible idea that was. Gray didn’t seem to mind, which was bizarre because he had never changed in front of Natsu since they had been living together. As soon as Gray pulled his shirt over his head, Natsu realized why.  

A thick spiderweb of white scar tissue stretched from the edge of Gray’s shoulder blade down to the middle of his back. Some of it was precise and clean – surgical scarring – but the vast majority of it was messy and uneven. A smaller, slightly less chaotic scar spread from a point lower on his torso, leaving another circle of damaged tissue. Natsu realized he was staring when Gray turned around to face him.  

“Looks like shit, hey?” His voice was low and unreadable, and he bunched the shirt he was holding between his hands, not making eye contact. From the front the scarring was less noticeable – a star-shaped burst on his shoulder and a wider patch on the side of his stomach. Natsu swallowed.  

“Mine does too,” he finally said, looking down at the healing red line that ran from his wrist to forearm, nestled among the mess of other scars. “Guess we’re both a disaster.”  

Gray breathed out a small puff of laughter but didn't move. Natsu could see his chest rise and fall erratically with every shaky breath, and he sighed, tugging on his shirt and pants and moving to the other side of the bed. Gray didn't react when Natsu took one of his hands and squeezed it gently. He lifted his hand slowly, ready for Gray to flinch or slap him away, and was surprised when he was allowed to trace his fingers over the outline of the scar on his chest. Gray shuddered. Natsu's touch was feather-light, drifting along the edges of the pale skin, and Gray gasped, his hand twitching.  

"I...I just want to forget it ever happened," he whispered, reaching up to grasp Natsu's hand and press it against his chest. "And every time I see this, I can't." Gray's hand was cold but his skin was warm beneath Natsu's palm. A thousand sparks of electricity were flying between them, shooting up and down Natsu's arm and into his chest. He took a step closer to Gray, close enough to smell the chill scent of snow that still clung to his damp hair. His other hand drifted to Gray's waist, and he heard Gray inhale sharply. 

"Then maybe I can help you forget," Natsu whispered, tilting his head up and gazing into Gray’s eyes. They were wide and scared and cautious and uncertain. Natsu’s hand on Gray’s waist traced soft circles, and Gray let out a quiet moan. Natsu could feel Gray’s pulse racing under his hand as he gazed at Gray's lips. “Can I?”  

There was a moment of hesitation, then a nod, and then Natsu pulled Gray down and kissed him.  

Gray made a soft sound as their lips touched, drawing his free hand up into Natsu's hair. He tasted like peppermint. _Oh, god_. It was every moment that had almost happened, all the lingering looks lost on Gray's lips, all the brushing fingertips and soft caresses and deep gazes all rolled up into one soft, sweet, incredibly tender kiss.  

Natsu's hand left Gray's waist and travelled up to his face, smoothing a thumb along his cheekbone while he kissed him. Gray made a soft, heart-broken sound, and Natsu could feel tears on his cheeks that weren't his own. His chest clenched and he kissed Gray harder, touching his face reverently with the tips of his fingers.  

Gray shivered, and Natsu used the hand on his chest to guide him back to the bed, then pushed Gray gently until he was sitting. He broke the kiss softly, then grabbed the shirt from Gray's hands and helped him pull it on.  

"You aren't cursed," Natsu whispered, wiping Gray's cheeks with his thumbs and leaning in to kiss him again. One of Gray's hands moved up to rest at the back of Natsu's head, and the other slid under his shirt to drift over his back. Natsu shivered at the touch, exhaling softly. "You deserve to be happy."  

After a moment, Gray brought both hands up to cup Natsu's face, touching their foreheads together and breathing shakily. Natsu smiled, nuzzling his cheek into Gray's hand.  

"I..." Gray started to speak, but just looked lost, blinking and then gazing up at Natsu.  

"I've wanted to do that for a while," Natsu whispered, pressing a kiss to Gray's palm. The joy that flared in Gray's eyes made Natsu’s stomach flip.  

The two jumped when there was a loud knock on the door, followed by a petulant voice shouting, " _!_ " Gray started laughing, shaking his head and then pressing another soft, chase kiss to Natsu's lips.  

" __!" He shouted back. "Sylvie is getting impatient." Natsu laughed, stroking the side of Gray's face gently.

"We're going to go read her a story and put her to bed," he said quietly, "and then sit with your sister and Xavier and look at the Christmas tree and drink eggnog because this is exactly the kind of Christmas I never had." Gray's face looked sad, and Natsu shook his head. "I'm not looking for pity, I'm just...this is perfect. The dinner, the tree, the gifts, the kids...it's...you're..." Natsu trailed off, leaning down to kiss Gray again.  

"Thank you," Gray whispered, running his hands down Natsu's sides and resting them on his hips. "And...I've wanted to do that for a while too." His cheeks flushed even pinker than they already were.  

"I know," Natsu grinned. "So after all that Christmas stuff, we're gonna come back in here and pick up where we left off."   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY I know I dragged it out forever but there you go.
> 
>  **French Translations**  
>  Je t'aime = I love you  
> Lire un livre! = Read a book!  
> Un instant = Just a second!


	20. the only hope for me is you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natsu enjoys Christmas with Gray's family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is like 98% fluff. And totally all my family Christmas traditions.

_C_ _an I be the only hope for you?_    
_Because you're the only hope for me_    
_And if we can't find where we belong_    
_We'll have to make it on our own_    
_Face all the pain and take it on_    
_Because the only hope for me is you alone_    
\- My Chemical Romance, "The Only Hope for Me is You" 

Natsu sighed happily as he and Gray closed the bedroom door. Sylvie had been delighted by his dramatic rendition of “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”, and had insisted on sitting half on Gray, half on Natsu while he read.  

After the two of them had tucked her into bed – the younger ones asleep long ago – they had sat in front of the fireplace playing Scattergories with Ultear and Xavier until the logs were merely ash and dying embers. Natsu couldn’t remember the last time he had felt so welcomed. 

"Your family is perfect," Natsu said as he closed the door quietly behind him. "And I don't think I'm ever going to eat again." His stomach was still full from dinner, Christmas cake, various candies and eggnog. 

"I guess I'm going to have to eat all your cinnamon buns tomorrow then," Gray smirked, turning to Natsu and stepping towards him until he was backed against the closed door. Gray leaned forward, resting a palm on the door next to Natsu's head, and Natsu shivered. There was a look in Gray's eyes that made his legs feel weak. 

"Y-you didn't tell me th-there'd be cinnamon buns," he stuttered. Gray's face was so close. "A-are we picking up where we left off?" Gray gave a half-smile, then looked at him seriously.  

"I'd like to," he said, his voice low. "But I need to be...sure."  

"Sure of what?" Natsu asked hesitantly.  

"Sure that you want this," Gray replied, reaching up with one hand and drawing his thumb down the side of Natsu's face. "I'm...I don't wanna just mess around. And I'm not the...easiest person to...be with."  

"I'm sure," Natsu said, turning his face to press a kiss into Gray’s palm. "And I'm pretty sure I can handle you." He winked, and Gray made a sort-of growling sound that almost stopped Natsu's heart.  

"Good," Gray murmured, then closed the gap between them.   

Natsu moaned softly at the kiss, bringing one hand to Gray's hip, and the other hand to tangle in his hair. Gray pushed his thigh in between Natsu's legs, pinning him to the door, and Natsu inhaled sharply at the sensation. They made soft noises in each other's mouths, tasting and teasing and pressing into each other. Natsu's thumb drew circles over Gray's hipbone, then slipped underneath his shirt and began to caress the bare skin.  

Gray growled again, moving his hand to the base of Natsu's skull as his kisses became more insistent, more demanding. He was gasping into Natsu's mouth now, soft  _ahs_ and  _mmms_ that sent sparks directly to Natsu's groin. Gray was the most enthusiastic person Natsu had ever kissed, and he loved it. Natsu's fingers tightened until he was dragging his nails along the skin at the base of Gray's spine, the other hand tightening in his hair.  

" __," Gray murmured against Natsu's lips, dragging his hand down from Natsu's cheek to trail his fingers over the shorter boy's collarbone, running his thumb over the hollow of Natsu's throat. " __." Natsu had no idea what Gray was saying, but the roughness of his voice and the way the words rolled off his tongue were enough to make him tremble.

"Nhhhhnn," he groaned, nipping softly at Gray's lower lip. He ran his fingers along the hem of Gray's shirt questioningly, and there was a moment of hesitation. "It's oka-" Gray broke off the kiss momentarily and helped Natsu tug the sweater off, throwing it to the floor. There was a slight hint of vulnerability in Gray's eyes now, and Natsu wished he could kiss it away. He grabbed the hem of his own shirt and tugged it over his head, then pulled Gray back against him so that their chests were flush.  

" _Câlice_ ," Gray swore, tipping his head and pressing soft kisses along Natsu's jaw. Gray's hands were on his hips now, thumbs dipped just below the waistline, and Natsu found his fingers in Gray's hair again.  _God_ , it was soft.  Natsu moaned noisily as he felt teeth scrape his skin, then breathed out a laugh as one of Gray's fingers came up to rest on his lips. "Shhh."  

Gray pressed another kiss to Natsu's neck, then leaned back and looked at him, placing his hands on the door on either side of Natsu's head. Natsu swallowed heavily – the look in Gray's eyes was fervent and predatory. Natsu was glad for Gray's thigh in between his legs, otherwise he might have just melted to the ground right then and there.  

"You have to be quiet," Gray whispered, a sultry smile on his lips.  _Jesus Christ, it should be illegal for someone to have eyes like that_ , Natsu thought, enraptured by Gray's gaze. He leaned forward, wrapping a hand around the back of Gray's neck and pulling him forward, then catching his bottom lip between his teeth. "Hnnmmm."  

"Bed?" Natsu suggested, drifting a hand down Gray's side until he shuddered. The dark-haired boy stole one more kiss, then backed up slowly, catching Natsu's hand and dragging him towards the bed in the center of the room. Gray sat down, spreading his legs apart and tugging Natsu towards him.  

"C'mere," he whispered, leaning forward to press a kiss to the center of Natsu's chest. Natsu shivered, then let out a yelp as Gray pulled him forward and he tumbled down onto the bed. Gray grabbed his hips and flipped him over until he was straddling Natsu's thighs, leaning down over him. The tips of his hair brushed against Natsu's face.  

" __," Gray whispered, and Natsu shuddered. _"_ __ _."_  And he captured Natsu's lips with his own again, leaning down to rest on one elbow.  

"Gray," Natsu whispered, wrapping his arms around the dark-haired boy's hips and pulling him down onto the bed until they were facing each other. Gray hummed happily against him, their kisses turning soft and lazy. Natsu drifted his hand up and down Gray's chest, hesitating at the edge of the scar on Gray's stomach.  

"Mmnnn," Gray murmured, breaking their kiss and leaning back a bit, propping himself up on his elbow. "It's okay. It's just a bit sensitive." Natsu nodded, drifting his hand gently over the mark. Gray shuddered slightly. "It feels...strange. But not in a bad way." He reached out and grabbed Natsu's hand, bringing it to his mouth and kissing the knuckles softly. "You're the first person...to touch me...since..."  

Natsu leaned forward to kiss him once more. After a moment, Gray tipped their foreheads together, and they breathed for a moment, hands feeling each other's heartbeats through their skin.  

"As much as I would love to continue ravaging you," Gray murmured, "my niece is next door." Natsu laughed, pressing a kiss to the tip of Gray's nose. There was a comfortable silence for a moment, then Gray winced, dropping down onto his stomach. "Sorry – shoulder."  

"Can I help?" Natsu shifted until he was curled up against Gray, and tugged the blanket up over their legs. The bedside lamp was on, and he could see the scars across Gray's back more clearly now. He reached out his hand and traced a finger down one of the messy lines. Gray shivered, but kept his head rested on his arms as Natsu continued to drift his hand over the scars. 

“My therapist says the pain is partly psychosomatic,” Gray said quietly. “That I’m holding onto it because of how angry I am.”  

“Does that mean I get to call you Watson?” Natsu joked, and was glad when Gray breathed out a soft puff of laughter. “Do...you think she’s right?”  

"He shot me twice in the shoulder," Gray said softly after a moment. Natsu wasn’t sure if he was ignoring the question, or answering around it. "My scapula was shattered in three places. They had to do surgery on it a few times, but had to wait until the soft tissue was healed first. That's the big lines, from the surgery." Natsu traced the edge of one of them. "There were bone fragments everywhere, I guess, so they had to go clean those out. I don't remember much. I was pretty drugged up for the first while."  

Natsu made a soft sound but didn't say anything. He wasn't sure what he could say. Now that he was closer up he could see that it wasn't really a spiderweb after all, but two large, oddly-shaped scars from where the bullets had left Gray's body.  

“I guess I was super unlucky because in addition to that there was ‘significant nerve damage’,” Gray continued, making quotation marks with his fingers. “I started physio back in...March I think? It's awful. I hate it. Trying so hard to just squeeze a stupid ball and  _willing_ my fucking hand to work and it just  _wouldn’t_  and then the pain would come like someone was putting a hot iron onmy shoulder or something. It hurt so fucking bad.”  

“Jesus,” Natsu whispered, continuing to run his fingers over the damaged parts of Gray’s skin. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that.”  

“I still do,” Gray mumbled, burying his head in his arms. “I mean, it’s not as bad anymore. I can use my arm most of the time. But I still go physio twice a month, and see a neurologist. I take those meds for the pain.” He sighed.  

“I'm sorry,” Natsu said again, not knowing what else to say. He wished he could shoulder some of the pain and frustration for Gray.  

"Ultear says I died in the ambulance," Gray said suddenly. Natsu recalled his bizarre dream from the hospital, looking at the stars with someone who wasn’t Gray. "I don't remember it. I just remember...he pulled out the gun..." He faltered, and Natsu spread a hand out over his lower back comfortingly. “And it was just  _pain_ everywhere, and then I woke up in the hospital. Ultear says that Lyon was the one who called 9-1-1. And...turned himself in. I don’t know why.”  

“Did you have to, like, go to court and...testify or something?” Gray shook his head.  

“He plead guilty. And it wasn’t his first offense.” Another sigh. “He’d been arrested for assault with a weapon before. This was his first attempted murder though.” Gray’s voice was sharp and sarcastic. 

"I wish I could make it better," Natsu whispered, and Gray turned to look at him, smiling softly.  

"You already have," he murmured, cheeks dusted pink. “I was…so sad, and so angry, and felt so alone for so long. I know I have Ultear and everyone, but...” Natsu could hear his voice becoming rough. “I still…am. Angry, I mean. And sad, sometimes.” Gray took a shaky breath.  

“But you’re not alone,” Natsu said, leaning down and pressing a kiss to the center of one of the scars. Gray’s breath hitched, and then he was crying again, covering his face with his hands. “Gray, hey, it’s okay.” He lay down on his side and pulled Gray towards him until his chin rested on the dark-haired boy’s head. Gray buried his face in Natsu’s chest.  

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “’M such a fuckin’ mess.” Natsu shook his head. He had a feeling that Gray hadn’t grieved this yet, had been keeping it buried under layers of anger and sharpness and acting like a dick. He would bet a large sum of money that today was the first time that Gray had let himself cry about this. 

“It’s okay,” he murmured, stroking Gray’s hair. “I can take it.” He wrapped his arms tightly around Gray's trembling shoulders and continued to whisper in his ear. "Let it out...you're safe...I've got you."   

After several minutes, Gray’s quiet sobs faded away, and he pulled back from Natsu, rubbing his eyes and looking flustered. Natsu brushed Gray’s hair out of his eyes, smiling gently.  

“What were you saying to me earlier? In French?” he asked, trying to distract Gray. It worked perfectly, if the flush on Gray’s cheeks was anything to go by.  

“Uh, I..." He chewed on his lip. Natsu raised an eyebrow.  

"I mean, you can tell me anything you want and I'd have to believe it," Natsu said, then grinned. "Until I ask Ultear tomorrow what ' _criss, t'es incroyable_ ' means." Gray's face immediately flushed red, and he looked up at Natsu in amazement.  

"How did you..."  

"When you whisper something that seductively in my ear, it's hard to forget," Natsu reasoned. He laid back on the pillow and reached his arm out, pulling Gray down lay on his chest. Gray rested his arm on Natsu's stomach, then tangled their legs together until they were both snug under the blanket.  

"It means 'damn, you're incredible'," Gray murmured after a moment. "And  _'je te désire_ ' means 'I want you'." Natsu reached over and flicked off the lamp, sighing at the comfortable weight around him.  

"Mmm, well, the feeling is mutual," he said softly. "When we get home..." His voice trailed off, suddenly feeling uncertain about calling Gray's apartment  _home_. Even if they had this...thing between them now, would that mean he could stay, after his birthday?  

"I'm looking forward to it," Gray mumbled, interrupting Natsu's train of thought. "And I'm totally eating all your cinnamon buns tomorrow."  

 

* * *

 

"Uncle Gray! Uncle Na'su!  _Joyeaux Noël_!" Natsu groaned as he felt a weight on his legs, and opened his eyes blearily to see Sylvie sitting there, practically thrumming with excitement. Gray was still draped across his chest, seemingly unfazed by the interruption, and they were both still shirtless. 

"G'morning, Miss Sylvie," he said softly, nudging Gray to wake up. "We'll be right out, okay?" Sylvie leaped off the bed and ran out the door, leaving it wide open. "Wake up, Snowflake." He gently pushed Gray until he was on his back, then sat up and yawned.  

"Wha's time?" Natsu could see Gray straining to see the clock across the room, and leaned over to the bedside table to pass him his glasses.  

"Seven thirty," he replied, grinning as Gray sat up slowly and pushed his glasses up his nose. "Merry Christmas, you dork." Gray grumbled something unintelligible, but didn't argue when Natsu leaned over and kissed him. "Sylvie's practically going to explode, we'd better get up."  

Christmas morning with Gray's family turned out to be exactly everything Natsu had ever wanted. Xavier had, indeed, baked enough cinnamon buns to feed a small village, so both he and Gray had plenty – even if Gray kept stealing the raisins off his plate. Sylvie was a whirlwind of excitement, bringing everyone their stockings and then plopping herself into Natsu's lap like she belonged there.  

"Elsa a Jedi," she said solemnly, showing Natsu the two dolls in her lap. The one on the left was well-loved, with a makeshift lightsaber taped to its hand. The one on the right was a recently-opened gift.  

"Elsa would be a great Jedi," Natsu replied, keeping his face serious. He could see Gray smiling at him out of the corner of his eye, and he reached over, resting his fingers across Gray's under the piles of wrapping paper. When he realized that Ultear and Xavier had gone back to the kitchen to bring coffee, he leaned over and pressed a quick kiss to Gray's cheek. He wasn't sure how Gray felt about his family knowing about them. 

"This one Rey," Sylvie continued, pointing to the new doll. "Her fight  _mechants_."  

"Bad guys," Gray translated when Natsu looked at him, puzzled.  

"Does she fight Kylo Ren?" Natsu asked, and Sylvie bounced on his lap.  

"Yeah! Elsa do  _pzzzzzzzct-_ " Here she did an excellent imitation of someone shooting lightning from their hands "-an' Rey do  _bonk bonk bonk_." She swung the doll in the air to emphasize her point and Natsu laughed out loud. Then Sylvie turned to Natsu and looked at him seriously. "Uncle Gray sing Frozen."  

"Oh, he does, does he?" Natsu replied, tone light and teasing. Gray groaned, and Natsu turned to see the dark-haired boy covering his face in embarrassment.  

" __," he muttered.

" _!_ " Ultear's voice cut through Gray's chagrin, and she set down a laptop on the table as Xavier passed Gray and Natsu their coffee. Sylvie scooted forward, and Gray leaned over to Natsu and nudged him. 

"My grandparents don't speak much English, sorry," he whispered in Natsu's ear. "I'll translate for you." Natsu nodded, feeling incredibly nervous all of a sudden.  

" _Bonjour_!" An elderly couple with graying hair popped up on the screen, along with a stern-looking woman in her mid-forties that Natsu immediately recognized as Ophélie, Gray's aunt and CEO of Tempête. " _Joyeaux Noël!"_   

Sylvie and Renaud immediately started showing them their presents, so it wasn't until a minute or so later that he and Gray were finally able to say hello.    

" _Allo, Joyeaux Noel!" Gray smiled, then gestured to Natsu. "Voici mon-" Suddenly Sylvie's tiny voice interrupted him._

__

" __!" She declared, and Gray froze. Natsu looked over at him, puzzled.

__

"Um," was his only response.  

__

" __," Sylvie added, and Gray groaned.

__

"What's going on?" Natsu whispered, tugging on Gray's sleeve. Gray hesitated for a second, and Natsu realized that everyone was now staring at them.   

__

" _Chum_ means...um...boyfriend," he explained quietly, cheeks pink. "She's...I don't even know where she learned that word. Apparently she saw us...kissing." Natsu flushed for a moment too, then reached over and grabbed Gray's hand.  

__

"I'm okay being out if you are," he said, and Gray looked up at him, uncertain. "Do we have to make it official before we tell people?" Gray snorted, and Natsu squeezed his hand. "Gray, do you want to be my boyfriend?" He grinned.  

__

"You know I do, you idiot," Gray replied fondly, then turned back to his family.   

__

" _._ " Natsu could see Ultear smiling softly at Gray. Gray's  _grandpapa_  looked confused for a moment, then shrugged and nodded his head.  

__

" __," he said cheerfully, then waved at Natsu, who waved back hesitantly. " __?" Gray shook his head. "Welcome, Natsu!" Gray's grandpapa's English was heavily accented. "Merry Christmas! I'm sure you make Gray very happy. Be good to him."

__

"I will," Natsu said quietly, feeling his face flush bright red. Gray squeezed Natsu's hand, and when Natsu turned to look at him, Gray leaned in and kissed him. Just once, soft and gentle, but enough to make Natsu feel like everything important in the world belonged to him.  

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **French Translations**  
>  Criss, t'es incroyable = Damn, you're amazing  
> Je te désire = I want you  
> T'es génial = You're amazing  
> Je suis tellement chanceux de t'avoir = I'm so lucky to have you  
> Joyeaux Noël = Merry Christmas  
> C'était censé être un secret = That was supposed to be a secret  
> Il est temps d'appeler grandmaman et grandpapa = It's time to call grandma and grandpa  
> Bonjour/Allo = Hello  
> Voici mon... = This is my...  
> Natsu Gray chum = Natsu Gray boyfriend (toddler speak)  
> Il donné un bec = He gave a kiss  
> Oui, c'est mon chum, Natsu = Yes, this is my boyfriend, Natsu  
> Je savais pas qu't'étais gai = I didn't know you were gay  
> Il ne parle pas français? = He doesn't speak French?


	21. fade into you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gray and Natsu exchange presents, then head home for some fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't sure at first how R-rated I was gonna take this, but I feel like it fits the tone of the rest of the piece. Enjoy!

_If you were the ocean and I was the sun_  
_If the day made me heavy and gravity won_  
_If I was the red and you were the blue_  
_I could just fade into you_  
\- Mazzy Star, 'Fade Into You"

"I have something for you," Gray said once  _grandmaman_ and  _grandpapa_ had turned their attention back to the kids. He shuffled over to the Christmas tree and pulled out a small, neatly wrapped package. "The wrapping paper was Sylvie's idea." It was decorated with Disney princesses in Santa outfits, and Natsu snorted. Gray felt nervous as Natsu slid his finger under the tape and tore the paper apart.  

"Oh." He breathed the word out reverently as he ran his fingers over the soft leather sketchbook in his lap. Gray thought that the dragon on the front was even more impressive under real light, rather than the dim light of the shop – its scales were red and iridescent, and its claws wrapped around the binding. 

"I, um, you said you liked...dragons," Gray mumbled, suddenly shy, and Natsu looked up at him with a huge smile on his face and pulled Gray into a tight hug. Gray's arms wrapped around his boyfriend – his boyfriend! – and he sighed happily.  

"It's amazing," Natsu said, leaning back and running his fingers over the cover again. "I love it, and I’m almost out of pages in my old sketchbook, so it’s perfect. Thank you." Gray smiled, pushing his glasses back up onto his nose. "You are fucking adorable in those, by the way," Natsu whispered, and Gray suddenly felt very self-conscious. "I have something for you too, but...I dunno if you wanna open it here. Or later? It's kinda...personal."  

"They'll be busy for a bit longer," Gray replied, curious, and Natsu hopped to his feet and reached out a hand. They made their way back to the guest bedroom, and Natsu reached for his bag, pulling out his old sketchbook.  

“It’s not…fancy, or anything,” he said softly as he turned to Gray and handed him the notebook, flipped open to a full-page sketch. “And I had to use the picture on your fridge for a reference, and I found the other photo in your room so I’m really sorry if I wasn’t supposed to do that, but I thought…and I just realized that I’ve read Harry Potter but maybe you haven’t so you might not have any ide…Gray, are you okay?”  

Gray sat down hard on the edge of the bed, staring at the page and feeling slightly out of breath. It was a pencil sketch of him from behind, staring into a giant mirror that Gray definitely recognized from Harry Potter. In the mirror was his reflection, looking happier than Gray had felt in a long time. Behind his right shoulder in the mirror were his  _maman_ and  _papa_ , and on the left was his mom.  

His chest clenched in a mix of joy and grief.  _Papa_ had his hand on Gray’s shoulder and was gazing at him fondly.  _Maman_ was standing in front of  _papa_ , her hand on top of Gray’s head, and he could almost  _feel_ her ruffling his hair like she used to. Mom was smiling at him, and Natsu had somehow managed to perfectly capture her stern-yet-kind expression.  

“I’m sorry.” Gray looked down to see Natsu crouched in front of him, his expression a mix of concern and embarrassment.  

“Natsu, this is…” Gray looked down at the sketch again and felt his heart swell with affection. “I can't even…you…” He realized that he was crying and took his glasses off, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. “You’re amazing. This is, hands-down, the best gift I’ve ever received. Ever.”  

“Really?” Natsu looked shy now, and Gray reached out to touch his cheek.  

“It’s perfect. I want to frame it and hang it up in the apartment.” Natsu’s face flushed red, and Gray leaned forward to kiss his forehead. “C’mere, you.” He set the sketchbook down on the bedside table, then tugged Natsu into his arms and kissed him. Natsu hummed softly, reaching up and running his fingers through Gray’s hair.  

“I’m glad you like it,” he murmured against Gray’s lips. “Merry Christmas.” Gray planted one last kiss on the corner of his mouth, then leaned back and smiled.  

“Can I show Ultear?” Natsu looked flustered, but nodded. Gray stood and hugged Natsu again, wrapping his arms tightly around the pink-haired boy’s shoulders. “Thank you so much. For…everything. Not just this.”  

“What do you mean?” Natsu leaned back and looked at Gray quizzically. “If anyone should be thanking someone, it should be me” Gray laughed, then leaned down to kiss Natsu’s nose. 

“I’m going to be stupidly sentimental right now,” he admitted, moving a hand up to cup Natsu’s cheek. “You make me happier than I have been in a long,  _long_ time. Not just since…everything with Lyon, but…” he sighed, waving his other hand in the air. Natsu gripped his hips gently and he let out a soft sound of contentment. “I feel like I’ve just been…angry and bitter for a really long time. And you don’t make that go  _away_ , but it’s less…intense.” He ran his fingers through Natsu’s hair and smiled fondly at him.  

“That smile…” Natsu breathed, moving his right hand up to rub circles on Gray’s waist. “First time I met you, you told me to fuck off.” Gray snorted. “And now you’re looking at me like…I don’t even know. It makes me feel…bubbly.”  

“I’m sorry I told you to fuck off,” Gray murmured, leaning in to kiss Natsu again. He rested his hand in the hollow of Natsu’s back and pulled him closer. “Being an asshole is my terrible coping strategy.” Natsu hummed against his lips, then tipped his head, running his tongue over Gray’s lower lip.  

“I know,” Natsu whispered, trailing his hand down to rest on Gray’s ass and pulling their hips together. Gray gasped into his mouth, and Natsu nipped at his lower lip. “Everyone is probably wondering what we’re up to.” Gray groaned softly in protest as Natsu broke the kiss. “Let’s go back to your family. But we’re coming back to this when we get...” 

“Home,” Gray finished for him, seeing the hesitation on his face. “When we get home.”  

 

* * *

 

They ended up spending almost all day with Gray's family. Most of the morning was spent playing with Sylvie and Renaud, and after a while Ultear turned on a movie for the kids so the grown-ups could play board games. Gray had quietly vetoed Scrabble before Ultear could suggest it, so they'd ended up playing a bizarre new game that Gray had never heard of called "Exploding Kittens".  

Around suppertime, Gray could see that Natsu was beginning to flag – he leaned heavily against Gray's shoulder and accepted the offered painkillers without arguing. Ultear smiled softly at them, then headed to the kitchen to pack up leftovers.  

"...makes me happy too," Gray heard Natsu say as he left the washroom and headed for the front door.  

"I have not seen him smile like that in...years," Ultear said softly, and Gray saw her wrap her arms around Natsu's shoulders as he rounded the corner. "He looks at you like you are the stars. Take care of my baby brother, okay?"  

"I will." Natsu locked eyes with Gray over Ultear's shoulder and flashed him a soft smile.  

Natsu fell asleep in the car on the way home, fingers twined with Gray's and soft snores escaping his mouth. When he pulled into his parking spot, Gray nudged the pink-haired boy.  

"C'mon, you," he murmured as Natsu began to stir. "I can't carry you  _and_ all this stuff." He gestured to the back seat, which was full of gifts and leftover food. Natsu yawned and made a soft sound of agreement, clambering lazily out of the car and helping Gray carry everything upstairs.  

"Hey, Happy," he mumbled as the cat meowed at him happily. Natsu scooped him up and Gray could hear the pleased rumble from Happy's throat.  

"I'm gonna go put the food away," he said, kicking off his shoes and pressing a quick kiss to Natsu's cheek. "Go back to sleep if you want." Natsu yawned in response.  

Gray was almost done putting everything away when he felt a pair of arms wrap around his waist, hands coming to rest on his stomach. Natsu pressed a kiss to the back of his neck and he shivered.  

"Thought you were tired," Gray murmured, making soft sounds as Natsu continued to kiss up his neck.  

"Mmmmmnot  _that_ tired," Natsu whispered against Gray's skin. Gray wriggled around until he was facing Natsu, then backed him up against the counter and pulled him in for a kiss. Natsu hummed against Gray's lips, and Gray reached up a hand and threaded it through the shorter boy's hair, nipping at his lower lip insistently.  

He ran his fingers around the hem of Natsu's shirt, and the shorter boy lifted his arms, letting Gray tug the garment over his head and throw it to the floor. Gray's sweater followed it, a pang of hesitation running through him. Natsu drifted his fingers over Gray's chest gently, tracing the outline of his scars, then his hands came to rest on Gray's waist. The feeling evaporated, replaced entirely by desire. 

"You're gorgeous," Gray whispered as he kissed Natsu again, tilting his head and placing his hands on either side of Natsu's face. The pink-haired boy began to make soft sounds into Gray's mouth, tugging Gray's hips into him. "That's probably not very comfortable," Gray said softly, looking at the corner of the counter pressing into Natsu's back.  

"'s fi—hey!" Natsu made an indignant noise as Gray placed his hands on the shorter boy's waist and lifted him easily onto the counter, pushing his legs apart and situating himself between them. He was tall enough that this position only left him an inch or so shorter than Natsu. "Okay, the fact that you can do that is super hot."  

Gray grinned, pressing his lips to Natsu's collarbone and nipping at the skin. When he reached the hollow of Natsu's throat, he drew his tongue over it in soft circles, loving every sound that escaped Natsu's lips.  

"Okay?" He asked, running his hand down Natsu's side and resting it on his hip. Natsu moaned and threaded his fingers through Gray's hair as Gray continued his trail of kisses down Natsu's chest. He reached Natsu's jeans, noting that he was  _clearly_ enjoying this, then stood up again and kissed Natsu gently. "Have you...I mean, do...is this..." Gray felt his cheeks flush.  

"My first time?" Natsu guessed, combing his fingers through Gray's hair. "Yes and no. I've done...some stuff before. Not all of it." Gray nodded. "You?"  

"I've..." Gray chewed his lip, feeling embarrassed. He had done this before. It was usually hard and fast, teeth clashing and hands scrambling at belts, breath thick with alcohol, in some room at a shitty house party or in the back seat of some guy's car. "Not with anyone that matters," he said, hoping that Natsu understood. "I've never...wanted it like this."  

The last part was breathed in Natsu's ear as Gray leaned forward, biting down softly on his earlobe.  

"Nnnghhh the feeling is mutual," Natsu moaned, tipping his head so that Gray could run his tongue over the soft spot behind his ear. Gray dragged his teeth down the side of Natsu's neck, then sunk them into the soft flesh near his collarbone. "Ffffffuuu..." Natsu's hand in his hair tightened, other hand on Gray's hip, encouraging him to rock forward. 

"What...do you want to do?" Gray asked, lips trailing back up Natsu's jaw.  

"Everything," Natsu breathed, and a moan escaped Gray's lips as he pressed into the shorter boy. "I mean...I dunno. It's hard to know until we're there, y'know?" Gray squeezed his hip.  

"Just tell me if it's too much." His hand trailed down over Natsu's chest again, resting on the very obvious bulge in his jeans. "I'm sure you know this already, but 'no' is an option literally any time." Natsu made a soft growling noise and bucked up into Gray's hand. 

" _Yes_ ," he breathed, and Gray moved up to kiss him, rubbing his thumb over Natsu's jeans.  

"Wanna move somewhere more comfortable?" Gray murmured, and Natsu nodded. "Hold on." He motioned for Natsu to put his arms around his neck, then slid his hands under the pink-haired boy's thighs and lifted him up. Natsu made a soft sound of surprise, but leaned down and kissed Gray's neck as he made his way to the bedroom.  

"You're strong," Natsu grinned as Gray leaned over the bed, laying Natsu gently on the blankets. He blushed at the praise, then moved his hands back down, fiddling with the button on Natsu's pants. Natsu's hands scrambled to do the same to Gray, and soon they found themselves both naked, Gray leaning over Natsu and breathing heavily.  

"Mmmmm your ass is even better without the tight pants," Natsu groaned, sliding his hands down and pulling Gray tightly against him. "Oh, wow." Gray shuddered at the feeling of skin on skin, then let out a surprised yelp as Natsu flipped him over. Natsu leaned down and pressed a kiss to the center of his chest, nuzzling the spot and then continuing to press kisses downward.  

"Ah...mmmn, Natsu,  _tabarnak_ ," Gray moaned, keeping one hand in Natsu's hair and fisting the other in the sheets. "Fuc-are you su-"  

"Shhh," Natsu whispered, and Gray threw his head back as Natsu took him into his mouth.  

"Ah,  _câlice_ ," Gray swore, trying his best not to thrust his hips upward. He was glad they were at home and _not_ at his sister's, because the noises he was making were not something he wanted anyone else to hear. And how the hell was Natsu so good at this? The heat, and the wetness, and whatever he was doing with this tongue was...wow. He tightened his grip in Natsu's hair, feeling the younger boy hum around him. "Mmnnn, ahh, w-wait," he gasped, feeling the beginnings of release pool deep in his stomach. "N-not yet."  

Natsu drew off him and pressed a kiss to his thigh, then dragged his tongue up to Gray's hipbone where he nipped lightly. Gray shivered, tugging at Natsu's hair to encourage him upwards. Gray kissed him deeply, pulling Natsu tight and rocking against him. Both boys groaned as Gray reached between them, taking them both into his hand and stroking them. 

"Ahhh, fuck," Natsu whined, bucking up into Gray's hand. They rocked together, panting and moaning and kissing each other desperately. After a moment, Natsu pulled back. "Mnnnmm...I want..." Natsu sounded shy, suddenly, and Gray removed his hand, reaching up to run his thumb over Natsu's cheekbone.  

"What?"  

"Which...what w-way..." Natsu dropped his head to Gray's chest and huffed in frustration.  

"I've only ever been on top," Gray replied, pulling the meaning from Natsu's fragmented question. "But I'm open to anything." Natsu shivered as Gray ran a finger down his spine. "Do you want to do that now?" Gray was trying hard to keep his voice steady.  

"Yeah," Nastu whispered, arching his back under Gray's fingers. "I think so. And you...on top, that's...good." Gray could almost feel the heat from Natsu's cheeks, and he lifted himself up on one elbow, tipping Natsu's chin up to kiss him.  

"If you're not sure, we don't have to," he murmured, but Natsu shook his head.  

"I'm sure," he insisted. "I've been...wanting you. And I want...all of you." Gray smiled, deepening the kiss again and rolling himself back on top of Natsu.  

"I can make that happen."  

 

* * *

 

They lay together afterwards, ankles tangled together, Natsu drawing lazy circles on Gray's chest. Gray sighed contentedly, pulling Natsu tighter to him and kissing the top of his head.  

"This is definitely not what I expected to get out of the group," he murmured, thinking back to his argument with Ultear about attending.  

 _"I don’t need more fucking therapy," he hissed, keeping his voice low enough to not wake the kids. "I go every week and it doesn't do a damn thing." They were standing in the front entrance of her home after his weekly dinner with them._  

 _"But with this you can finally finish school," she insisted. "And do the programming course. Plus, it will be good for you to meet other people your age. They are going through difficult things as well."_  

 _Gray rolled his eyes. He could barely handle his own bullshit, nevermind other people's. He scowled and crossed his arms over his chest._  

 _"I just want..."_  

 _"What, Gray?" Ultear's voice was becoming exasperated. She never got angry, but frustration was seeping into her words. "What do you want? I cannot help you any more. You throw everything back in my face. All you feel is anger and you won't allow yourself any happiness."_  

 _"I'm happy with Sylvie," Gray countered, feeling defensiveness welling up in his chest._  

 _"She is not responsible for your happiness," Ultear said sharply, and Gray recoiled as if he'd been slapped. "She is three years old. Sylvie loves you dearly, but even she knows that you are not okay. 'Uncle Gray sad', she says, and it breaks my heart." Ultear was beginning to cry now, and Gray felt the anger in his chest melt into shame._  

 _"I'm sorry," he whispered, reaching out and pulling Ultear into a hug. "I'll do it. For you and for her." Ultear shook her head._  

 _"No, baby brother," she replied. "You must do it for **you**." _  

"Me either," Natsu replied, snapping Gray back to present day. The pink-haired boy tipped his head up and kissed Gray, softly this time. "I'm really glad I met you."  

"Me too," Gray said softly, tugging the blankets more closely around them and relishing in the comfortable weight of Natsu's body draped across his chest.  

A buzzing phone interrupted their cuddling, and Gray sighed, reaching over to the bedside table.  

"Since when does Cana text you?" Natsu asked, peering at the screen. It turned out to be a group message to everyone from the program.  

 

 **Cana:** So I don't wanna fuck up and get drunk on New Year's Eve. Anyone have plans that don't involve alcohol?  

 

Gray looked down to Natsu and shrugged. They hadn't really talked about it – there were always fireworks downtown, but Gray hadn't been to them since he was a kid. Before he could reply, another message popped up.  

 

 **Laxus** : I don't have plans but we can get together at my place and play board games?  

 

"Laxus plays board games?" Natsu sounded incredulous. "I'm surprised he didn't suggest like, a fight club or something."  

"We don't talk about fight club," Gray responded idly, reading the continuing thread. 

 

 **Gajeel** **:** I would but I gotta babysit brother and his bf.  

 **Laxus:** Bring them, it's fine. My gramps has a big place and he's pretty cool about me having friends over. Bring whoever you want. 

 **Cana:** Thanks dude, sounds awesome. 

 

"Wanna go?" Natsu looked up at Gray, who was hesitating. Crowds of people weren't really his thing, and while he could deal with jam sessions after group, he wasn't sure he was up to seeing them all – plus whoever they brought – at the same time. "We can leave whenever, if it gets to be too much." He looked down at Natsu's pleading face and sighed.  

"All right," he grumbled, mostly faking his reluctance. He thumbed off a message to the group.  

 

 **Gray** : Natsu and I will be there.  

 

Then he threw his phone back onto the bedside table and turned to Natsu, pinning him to the bed and smiling.  

"Ready to try that again?"   


	22. new year's day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natsu has to answer some questions with Richelle. A New Year's party is had!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this took forever, I wanted to have it posted on New Year's Eve but my family does so many events over the holidays that I didn't have much time to write! This is like 96% fluff, 4% angst. 
> 
> TW: descriptions of child abuse & homophobic language

_Don’t read the last page_  
_But I stay when you're lost and I'm scared and you’re turning away_  
_I want your midnights  
- _ Taylor Swift, "New Year's Day"

 

A faint conversation drifted through Natsu's brain, chasing sleep away and settling into his consciousness. He sighed, rubbing his eyes and sitting up slowly.  

"...just having a nap, would you like something to drink?" Natsu frowned, but when he heard Richelle's voice saying that she would  _love a cup of tea, thank you very much,_ his heart sank. He burrowed into the corner of the couch and wrapped the blanket around himself, listening to Gray turn on the kettle and rummage through the pantry for the honey.  

Richelle was hoping that she could represent him at Don's trial. She couldn't guarantee that Natsu wouldn't be asked to go to court eventually, but he had agreed to talk to her about the...situation, rather than a judge. 

Gray slipped into the living room and leaned over Natsu, pressing a quick kiss to the top of his head. Natsu grumbled in response.  

"I know," Gray said softly. He pulled out two coasters and set them on the coffee table, then perched on the arm of the couch next to Natsu. "You want a coffee?" Natsu shook his head, rubbing his face with the heel of his palm.  

"Natsu, how are you feeling?" Richelle stepped into the living room, dressed smartly in a dark wool skirt and a cream-colored blouse. Natsu could see a line of neat stitches peeking out from under her bangs, and he winced.  

"I'm sorry," he whispered, and Gray shook his head.  

"We talked about this, remember?" He chided gently, slipping down on the couch to sit next to Natsu. Natsu didn't respond. "Do you want me to stay with you or go away for a bit?" Natsu hesitated for a minute, picking at loose threads in the blanket and chewing on his lip. Gray had already seen the worst of him, so he doubted that hearing all this would make him leave. Still, it felt...raw.  

"Stay," he decided, and Richelle nodded at Gray to indicate that it was alright with her as well. She settled into the chair across from the couch, pulling out a notebook and setting it on the table. Happy jumped up onto Natsu's lap, headbutting his chin and then curling into a ball, purring loudly. He tried to let the vibrations calm him. 

"First of all, I want to ask how you've been doing since the hospital." Her voice was kind. It was always kind, and Natsu had always wanted to make her happy. He felt miserable, like he'd failed her. "Did you have a nice Christmas?"  

"Y-yeah," Natsu said softly. "We stayed with Gray's sister. His family's really nice." He knew that wasn't adequate praise for how he'd been welcomed over the holiday, but he just couldn't bring himself to say any more on the subject. His skin felt too tight, and he just wanted to go back to sleep.  

"I'm glad to hear that." Richelle smiled at him, taking a sip of her tea. "And how have you been feeling mentally? Emotionally? Do you know when your next appointment is?"   

Natsu glanced over at Gray, then looked up at the calendar on the wall. It was too far away for him to see, but Gray answered for him.  

"We're going to get your stitches out this afternoon, and you have an appointment with the new psychiatrist on Monday after group." Natsu nodded. "And you've been taking all your new meds."  

"It sounds like Gray has been a great support for you," Richelle said. "How's your mood?"  

"Fine except today," Natsu admitted, chewing his thumbnail. "'m just nervous." He shuffled until his knee was resting on Gray's thigh, feeling calmed somewhat by the dark-haired boy's presence.  

"That's understandable. Why don't we get it out of the way and then we can talk about your plans for the future?" Natsu tensed a little at that, but nodded. Richelle picked up her notebook again and rested it on her knees, giving Natsu a fond gaze. "As you know, Don was arrested last week for assaulting myself and a police officer. He is also facing charges of child abuse for what he did to you." Natsu nodded stiffly. "I have some documentation of times that the school contacted me about their concerns, but I'd like you to tell me about it. When was the first time that Don harmed you physically?"  

"Um...a...a few months after...Sandy passed away," he said quietly. He kept his gaze trained on his lap, trying to match his breathing to Gray's.  _In...out. In...out._  "He was never...nice...even before. He didn't want me there. But after she died he was always...angry."  

"And can you tell me what happened?" Richelle asked. He could see her scribbling on her notepad and it made his stomach clench. Once summoned, the memory was so visceral.  

 _He had just finished washing the dishes and set the last plate on the counter, but the towel bunched up and the plate slid to the floor, shattering into several pieces. Natsu's heart sank and he dropped to his knees, praying that the crash couldn't be heard over the television. He swept the broken ceramic into his hands, wincing as it sliced into one of his fingers._  

 _"What the hell have you done?" Natsu's throat tightened as he felt Don standing behind him. He stood slowly, cradling the broken pieces in his hands, and kept his gaze on the floor. "So fuckin' useless you can't even do the dishes right."_  

 _"I'm sorry," Natsu whispered, hands trembling so hard that he dropped one of the larger pieces again. Don snarled, and before Natsu could see his hand moving,_ _Don's knuckles had slammed into his cheek. He cried out in surprise and pain, and again when the motion was repeated across the other side of his face._  

 _"If it happens again, you'll be getting a closed fist instead of the back of my hand," Don growled, then stormed away into the living room._  

"It's okay," Gray whispered, reaching out and resting his hand on Natsu's knee. "You're safe now." Natsu sniffed, grabbing Gray's hand and letting it anchor him to the present.  

"The school contacted me about that incident," Richelle said softly. "Do you remember taking these pictures?" Natsu squeezed his eyes shut as she lay two photos on the table. He looked so young, only fifteen, and his hair had been brown at the time. Two sets of angry red welts decorated his cheeks. Natsu heard Gray's sharp intake of breath. 

"Yeah," he said quietly.  

"You told me that you got into a fight at school," she said, looking at her notebook. Natsu nodded. "Can you tell me why you said that?" He chewed his lip, feeling his cheeks flush.  

"I was tired of moving," he whispered after a moment. "They're all the same. Moving me somewhere else wouldn't have made a difference. It was only a couple more years." Gray gripped his hand tighter, and Natsu knew that his expression was heartbroken. 

"I understand." Richelle scribbled something in her notebook. "And how often did Don harm you physically, or threaten you verbally, after that incident?" Natsu blinked at Richelle's question. "Daily, weekly, monthly..."  

"A-at first it w-wasn't as often," he said after a minute. "Maybe every f-few months? But then the last y-year was...more. I didn't stay there all the time, I...I s-slept on the street. Cause I didn't wanna be there." He took a deep breath. "I was s-scared of him." Gray moved his other hand to Natsu's lower back and began tracing circles there.   

"What changed?" Richelle looked concerned. "What made it more frequent?" Natsu felt his face and neck grow warm, and his vision started to blur.  

 _"Get the fuck out of my goddamn house!" Natsu felt hot tears streaming down his face as Don shoved Eli out the front door. Don slammed the door so hard that Natsu was surprised it didn't crack the frame, then turned to Natsu with a murderous look in his eye._  

 _Even though he was prepared for it, Natsu staggered back under the weight of Don's blow to his raised arms. He'd long ago stopped hitting Natsu's face, knowing it was easier to hide bruises where he already hid his scars. Natsu stumbled backward into the wall, and Don grabbed onto his wrist, twisting it awkwardly until Natsu was begging for him to stop. He wrapped his other hand around Natsu's throat._  

 _"P-please, I'm s-sorry."_  

 _"If I **ever** catch you with a boy again, you will be wishing for this punishment instead of what I'll do to you." Don's breath was hot next to his ear, and Natsu tried to pull away."You will not bring that kind of sin into this household." Don yanked on his wrist again, squeezing so tight that Natsu knew there would be a handprint-shaped bruise there the next day. _  

 _"I'm sorry," he sobbed as Don slammed him back against the wall again. He hadn't known it was wrong. Eli was so pretty, and it was just a kiss. Just a kiss and now he felt like he was going to die._  

A soft thumb running over his knuckles was the only thing keeping him from running to the washroom to throw up. He kept his eyes focused on the intricate paisley pattern of the blanket so that he didn't have to see the pity in Gray or Richelle's eyes.  

The rest of the half-hour went by slowly and painfully. Richelle needed to document as much as possible, which meant going over every painful memory. The cigarette burns on his wrist. The broken finger. The concussions. Bruise after bruise after bruise.  

Richelle finally packed up her notebook and tucked it into her purse. Then she moved over to the couch and crouched down in front of Natsu, trying to catch his gaze.  

"I am so sorry, Natsu," she whispered, placing a hand on his knee. "I wish that I could have helped sooner. People like Don make it so difficult to prove that something bad is happening." Natsu nodded miserably, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. "Do you feel safe and happy here?"  

"Yes," he replied quickly, looking up at her with pleading eyes. "Please don't make me leave." She smiled at him softly.  

"Nobody is going to make you leave," she replied, standing up and straightening her skirt. "We can save our future plans discussion for another day; I think you need a nice, relaxing afternoon. Gray, thank you for being here and for everything you've done for Natsu. I can show myself out, and I'll contact you if I need anything else."  

"Thank you," Gray replied, turning to Natsu as Richelle left the room. "C'mere, you." He wrapped an arm around Natsu's shoulder and pulled him close. "I'm so sorry." Natsu buried his face in Gray's shirt and wrapped his arms around the taller boy's waist, feeling tears slipping down his cheeks.  

"I th-thought I w-was okay," Natsu whimpered, feeling Gray's fingers carding gently through his hair. He shivered, and Gray tugged the blanket up around both of them. "A-and now...I j-just...don't...I c-can't..."  

" __," Gray whispered, kissing the top of his head. _"."_ The unfamiliar words flowed over Natsu, and even though he didn't understand what Gray was saying, he could feel the affection in his voice. " _._ " Gray tipped Natsu's head back gently and pressed a soft kiss to his lips, brushing the tears from his cheeks with his thumbs. " _Je ne laisserai personne te blessé, plus jamais_. I won't let anyone hurt you ever again."  

"I know," Natsu said softly against his lips. He could feel Gray smiling, and leaned his head forward until their foreheads were touching. "Thank you."  

"Anytime," Gray murmured, running his hands up Natsu's arms. "Now, go shower. Richelle said the money from the government was finally deposited into your account, so we're gonna get your stitches out, then go shopping before the party." Natsu glanced down at himself – he had almost gotten used to wearing Gray's baggy clothes. Gray smiled and leaned in, kissing him on the cheek and whispering, "but you can wear my clothes anytime. It's...hot."  

 

* * *

 

Natsu hadn't owned new clothing in...well, ever. Everything he had was either a hand-me-down or from a thrift store. Being able to actually  _choose_ what he wanted to wear instead of just dealing with some older foster kid's hoodie was a very rewarding experience, and one he hoped he hadn't fucked up.  

"Does it...do I look...okay?" Gray had looked up when he had come out of the bedroom, and was now staring at Natsu with his mouth half-open and a strange expression on his face. 

Natsu swallowed, looking down at his outfit. He was wearing a pair of tight, black jeans tucked into combat boots (which he had  _always_ wanted and was beyond excited to buy), with a faded gray tee under an unbuttoned, black collared shirt. He had even popped into the tattoo place and got new plugs – bright pink, to match his freshly re-dyed hair – and a solid black lip ring to replace the silver one. Gray hadn't even blinked when Natsu had wanted to buy eyeliner, which he now had smudged around the outside of his eyes. 

"Um," Gray replied, and Natsu frowned at him. "No, I mean...yes. Good." He ran a hand through his hair, clearly flustered. "You look...incredibly hot." Natsu's cheeks flushed as Gray stepped toward him tentatively. "The eyeliner is...wow." He ran a hand down the side of Natsu's face, then snaked his other arm around the shorter boy's waist and pulled him close.  

"You don’t look so bad yourself," Natsu said softly, inhaling the soft scent of Gray's shampoo as he buried his face in his shoulder. Gray's outfit was much more subdued – dark jeans and a forest green cardigan over a black tee. His necklace was tucked under the shirt, and the sleeves of the cardigan were rolled up to reveal a bracelet that Natsu hadn't seen before. "Where's that from?"  

Gray hesitated, looking down at his wrist and running his fingers over the piece of jewelry. It looked like a thick piece of dark braided leather, with a silver wolf's head at either end. Both heads were biting a silver ring that completed the bracelet.  

"...Lyon gave it to me," Gray said finally, and Natsu looked up at him. "I haven't worn it...and I'm not forgiving him...but I just..."  

"You don't have to explain," Natsu said softly, grabbing Gray's hand and squeezing it. Gray gave him a half-smile, then kissed his forehead.  

"Shall we?"  

 

* * *

 

Laxus wasn't kidding, his grampa's house was  _enormous_. Like, unimaginably big. Natsu was pretty sure he could fit every foster home he'd ever lived in into  _just_ the entryway.  

"This is..." He reached out and grabbed Gray's hand, then paused for a minute on the front porch. Gray frowned at him. "Are you...okay with this?" He gestured to their joined hands. They had been together for a week now, but hadn't really been out and about much. Yesterday's mall trip had their arms too full to really hold hands, and the grocery store wasn't exactly the most romantic place.  

"I, uh...yeah? I think so?" Gray squeezed Natsu's hand and stepped toward him, wrapping his free hand around the pink-haired boy's waist. "Hopefully nobody's weird about it." He kissed Natsu on the forehead, who shrugged.  

"Honestly, if someone is a dick about us dating, it would probably be the least shitty thing that's happened to us in the past two weeks." Gray hummed in agreement, reaching out and ringing the doorbell.  

"Happy New Year!" The door was opened by Cana, who was wearing a fancy dress and looked elated. "Coats go in the closet. Natsu, I need to hug you. If that's okay?" He nodded, and Cana wrapped her arms around him tightly. He could feel her arms shaking and he felt a flood of guilt.  

"I'm sorry," he whispered in her ear, and she shook her head, standing up and grabbing his shoulders with both hands.  

"Mn-nn. No sorry's, we already talked about that." She smiled fondly at him, then squeezed his shoulders again. "Just...I'm glad you're okay."  

"Me too," he said, glancing back at Gray, who was closing the closet door, and Cana looked between them suspiciously.  

"Are you two-"  

"Yes." Natsu grabbed Gray's hand again and threaded their fingers together. Cana smiled widely. 

"Yes! When?"  

"Um...Christmas...eve?" Gray replied, looking to Natsu for confirmation. "Or day, maybe? If you wanna be techn-"  

"First kiss," Cana clarified, and Natsu could see Gray's puzzlement.  

"Christmas Eve," Natsu said, realizing where this was going when Cana yelped happily and then shouted down the hallway.  

"Erza! You owe me twenty bucks!"  

"You... _bet_ on us?" Gray asked. Cana beckoned for them to follow her down the hallway, laughing at his question.  

"Mhmm. I said Christmas Eve, Erza said Christmas Day, and Lucy was gunning for like, I dunno, the day you met." Gray blinked and Natsu laughed softly. "Laxus didn't wanna play cause he's no fun like that." As she said this, they rounded the corner and she ran into Laxus, who looked up at her from the couch with an unimpressed expression on his face.  

"Other people's relationships are private," he rumbled, then waved to Natsu and Gray. "Merry Christmas." He nudged the person sitting beside him, who turned around and smiled widely. They had long, green hair that was tucked up in a messy bun, and wore a faded t-shirt that said "Yes, Homo" in sparkly letters. "This is my partner, Freed. Freed, this is Natsu and Gray. From group."  

"Nice to meet you!" Freed waved politely. "I hear you have to deal with my grumpy boyfriend on a daily basis." Laxus grunted but didn't protest.  

"It's okay, I have a grumpy boyfriend too," Natsu mock-whispered, and Freed giggled as Gray half-heartedly elbowed Natsu. "I'm so jealous of your hair - I tried green once and it just turned gray. How do you get it to stay so bright?"  

"Oh, I have to go to a salon every couple weeks because my hair is so long, it's ridiculous." Freed toyed with one of the loose ends that had come out of the bun. 

"Well it looks awesome!" Natsu hesitated, then added, "Sorry if this is awkward or weird, but, um...what pronouns do you use?" Gray was initially taken aback by the question, but understood why Natsu asked it. Freed's features were almost startlingly androgynous. 

" _They_ and _them_ ," Freed said, smiling and looking like they might cry. "You're so sweet. Thank you for asking." Natsu flashed Freed a wide smile. 

Freed and Natsu chatted for a few minutes, then Natsu turned and grabbed Gray's hand, looking around the rest of the room. It was cozy, with people draped over the couches and an impressive assortment of snacks spread over the table. Lucy and Erza were at a larger table playing cards, and when Lucy saw them, she bounded over and wrapped them up in a group hug.  

"Merry Christmas, you two," she said softly, kissing them both on the cheek. "I'm super happy for you but also – Natsu!" She turned to him, frowning, and he tried his best to look innocent. "Why the heck didn't you say anything?" She looked at Gray pointedly. 

"I don't have a new phone yet," he protested, holding his hands up in front of him.  

"Your  _boyfriend_ does," Lucy grumbled, but she sighed and squeezed Natsu's hand. "I'm just glad you're happy."  

"I really, really am," he said softly, turning to see Gray talking to Erza. The green of the cardigan looked amazing on him, and Natsu let out a soft chuckle, trying to appreciate how incredibly lucky he was. Natsu stepped over and kissed him on the cheek, then made his way over to Gajeel, who was sprawled on a couch next to two boys who looked quite a bit younger than him.  

"You must be Ryos," Natsu said, waving at the dark-haired teen. Gajeel nudged him, and he looked up from his phone at Natsu.  

"Oh, sorry! You're Natsu?" A nod. "Cool, this is my boyfriend, Sting." The blonde teen next to him waved shyly as Gajeel rolled his eyes and mouthed,  _His name is Eugene,_ and Natsu tried not to laugh. "Gajeel actually thinks you're pretty cool, despite how much of a jerk he is."  

"Oi, you know I can ground you, you punk," Gajeel muttered without any venom. Ryos stuck out his tongue at his brother, and Gajeel cuffed him upside the head. Natsu tensed a little – the questioning this morning made him feel hypersensitive.  

Cana ended up roping Natsu into playing charades – Gray shook his head vehemently when Natsu beckoned, and ended up watching from the couch with Erza. Even though Natsu embarrassed himself several times, he felt exhilarated from laughing. He hadn't even realized that he'd rolled up his sleeves until he took a break from the game and headed back to Gray.  

"I'm proud of you," Gray murmured into his ear, running a hand over Natsu's forearms. The scar on his right arm was still pink, despite having the stitches removed, and Natsu flushed as he realized that everyone could see it. "You don't have to be embarrassed. Look at Laxus."  

Natsu frowned and glanced over to where the blonde boy was sitting. He saw Natsu staring and subtly raised up his arm, showing off a thick, white scar that crossed over his wrist. Natsu's eyes widened, and he gave Laxus a soft smile.  

"Countdown!" Cana shouted, glancing over the wall TV where the Times Square ball was ready to drop. "Ten! Nine! Eight!"  

"Seven!" Shouted Natsu, snuggling back into Gray as the taller boy snaked his arms around Natsu's waist. "Six! Five!" Gray pressed a kiss to the side of his neck and he shivered, smile so wide it almost hurt. "Four, three, two...one!"  

"Happy New Year!" Freed shouted, raising their glass as everyone cheered and someone threw confetti into the air. Natsu spun around in Gray's arms and wrapped his hands behind Gray's neck.  

"You mean so much to me," he whispered, leaning in for a kiss. Gray softened into his embrace, then slowly broke away. Natsu huffed, and Gray laughed quietly, pressing a kiss to Natsu's nose.  

" __ _._ "  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **French Translations**  
>  Tu es si courageux = You are so brave  
> Je suis ici; tout ira bien = I'm here; everything will be okay  
> Tu es sain et sauf, mon coeur = You're safe, my love  
> Je ne laisserai personne te blessé, plus jamais = I won't let anyone hurt you ever again  
> Bonne année, mon coeur = Happy New Year's, my love


	23. all you did was save my life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gray and Natsu have New Year's Day brunch at Laxus' place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly this is just 100% self-indulgent fluff. ^_^

_all you did was save my life_    
_pull me out of that flatline_    
_put the heartbeat back inside_    
_i'm_ _not dying_    
\- OLP, "All You Did Was Save My Life" 

 

Gray woke up the next morning snuggled up to Natsu's back, arm wrapped tight around his stomach and face buried in his neck. He groaned, feeling the distinct uncomfortable sensation that came with waking up in yesterday's clothes.  

Sitting up slowly, he blinked and looked around, realizing that they were still at Laxus' place. A half-dozen other people were spread throughout the room, each in various states of undress. He and Natsu were lying on a pull-out couch, with Natsu facing Lucy and holding her hand. Cana was wrapped around Lucy much as Gray had been with Natsu, and had a leg thrown over Lucy's thighs for good measure.  

 _Huh,_ Gray thought.  _That's new_.  

Sting and Ryos had somehow managed to curl up in one recliner without tipping it over, while Gajeel's very pregnant girlfriend Levy was relaxing in the other.  

Gray heard shouting from the next room, so he slipped out of the bed, pressing a kiss to Natsu's cheek. The pink-haired boy mumbled something, but didn't wake. Gray made his way to the source of the noise, and found Laxus, Gajeel and Erza playing MarioKart.  

"Morning, Gray!" Erza said cheerfully, and Gray could see she was winning. Gajeel groaned, hands clumsy on the joystick of his controller. Gray shook his head.  

"You three didn't sleep at all, did you?"  

"I'm not givin' in first!" Gajeel insisted, bumping his shoulder against an equally sleepy Laxus, who merely grunted at him.  

The doorbell rang, and Gray could hear a chorus of groans from the sleeping group in the other room.  

"Do you mind getting that?" Laxus tipped his head back and looked at Gray. "It's probably Bix and Ever, they said they were gonna come for brunch."  

Gray headed down the hallway and opened the front door to see a stack of large boxes resting in the arms of a petite, green-haired woman. Behind her was a tall, impressively built man with bright blue hair and sunglasses.  

"Happy New Year!" The girl shouted. Gray reached out to take the boxes, realizing they were full of donuts. "I'm Ever and this is Bix, where's Laxus? Lazy fuck." The affection in her voice softened the words, but Gray still laughed.  

"He's playing videogames, I'm pretty sure he hasn't slept at all." Ever rolled her eyes.  

"Sounds like our idiot. Bix, there's a step here." Gray realized that the blue-haired man's hand was on Ever's elbow, and she was guiding him into the house. "And we have been let into the house by a lovely, dark-haired boy named..."  

"Uh...Gray." He felt self-conscious, suddenly. "I'm assuming you know your way around?" Ever nodded, kicking off her shoes. "I'd offer to take your jacket, but-" he gestured at the donuts.  

"Ooh, and he's a gentleman too!" Ever cooed. Bix snorted, pulling off his sunglasses and tucking them in his pocket. He looked in Gray's general direction, smiling.  

"Don't take it personally, she flirts with anything that moves." He reached out his hand and Gray maneuvered the boxes into one arm so he could shake it.  

"Unless you  _want_ to take it personally," Ever interjected. Gray laughed.  

"Taken, sorry," he replied, then shifted the boxes. "I'm gonna bring these to the kitchen. Honestly, almost everyone is still asleep. What time is it anyway?" Bix reached down to his wrist and ran his fingertips over his watch.  

"Quarter to eleven," he replied. "We'd better get started on brunch!"  

 

* * *

 

It turned out that Freed had already started on brunch, and was doing an impressive job of multitasking in the kitchen. They had changed into a tank top and a pair of sweatpants overnight, and their hair was pinned up almost on top of their head, loose pieces hanging down in green curls.  

"Morning," Gray yawned as he stepped into the room, depositing the boxes of donuts on the table. "Is there coffee?"  

"Of course," Freed replied, flipping a pancake and then gliding across the kitchen to what appeared to be an espresso machine. "There's a Keurig over there, but I can make you a latte or something if you'd like?"  

"An Americano would be amazing," Gray replied, grabbing an apron from the hook on the wall and tying it around his waist. "What can I do?"  

They spent the next half hour flipping pancakes, cooking hashbrowns, and frying bacon, which ended up with Gray cursing loud enough to eventually bring Natsu to the kitchen.  

" _..."_ Gray winced, moving to the sink and rinsing the burns with cold water. 

" _ _?"_ Freed asked, glancing over at Gray's arm.  _

" _,"_ Gray replied, dabbing at it with a towel. Then he looked up at Freed and frowned. " _?"_  

"I'm a linguistics major," Freed grinned, pulling the hashbrowns off the stove and pouring them into a ceramic bowl. "I speak six languages." They set the bowl on the counter and turned back to the stove.  

"Hey, you okay?" Natsu poked his head into the kitchen, then saw Gray wincing and reached out for him, looking at the tiny spots on his arm. "I heard you swearing in French, I figured it must be bad." He pulled Gray's arm to his mouth and pressed a soft kiss to each burn.  

"I'm fine," Gray replied, squeezing Natsu's hand.  

"Nice apron," Natsu grinned, gesturing to Gray's chest. He looked down, reading the words  _hot stuff coming through_  and groaning.  

"I swear I didn't even look at it before I put it on," he grumbled, ignoring Natsu's snickering. "Alright, if you're not gonna make yourself useful, get out of here." He snapped the dishtowel in his hand at Natsu, catching him on the thigh. Natsu yelped, jumping away. "Or take the food into the dining room. Get Ryos and Sting to help you – they're teenagers, they should be used to chores."  

Natsu stuck his tongue out, but did as Gray asked, roping the two sleepy teens into helping him carry everything to the long table in the other room. Gray turned back to Freed, who was setting the last of the bacon on a plate.  

"It's nice to be able to speak French to someone other than my family," Gray admitted in French as he took the plate from Freed and set it where Natsu could reach it. He picked up his Americano and sipped it, then yawned. "I moved here from Montréal six years ago and it's been hard to keep it up."  

"It's certainly not spoken much here," Freed agreed. Their accent was barely noticeable – Gray was impressed. "Are you teaching Natsu?" Gray frowned. He hadn't even considered that.  

"I dunno," he admitted, leaning against the counter. "We've only been dating for  a week. I'm not sure if he would be interested." Freed gave him a look that involved an impressively arched eyebrow.  

"I'm pretty sure that boy would do anything for you," they said, and Gray felt a blush rising to his cheeks. "He's pretty smitten. And so are you, I think." Gray hid his face behind his coffee mug. 

"How did you and Laxus meet?" Gray asked, trying to change the subject. Freed laughed, clearly seeing through his ruse but going along with it anyway.  

"It's a bit of a strange story," they admitted, hopping up on the counter. "Laxus' father and my parents were both involved in very fundamentalist religious groups when we were growing up. I lived on a commune that was very strict, and when I left at sixteen my parents pretty much disowned me. I hitchhiked my way through the U.S. and Canada, and ended up here. Bix sort of...took me in, and I've been here since."  

"Wow," Gray said, blinking. "That's...I'm so sorry about your family." Freed shrugged.  

"It is what it is." They tugged their hair out of the messy bun and let it fall, then combed their fingers through it and began braiding as they talked. "Laxus' father was involved with a religious cult – he was a very high-ranking member. When Laxus was quite young, his father took him out of school and they traveled around, trying to encourage people to join. Eventually his father left the group and they moved here, but he was quite a toxic influence on his son." Gray was mesmerized by the way Freed's fingers flew back and forth through their hair.  

"So you met...here, then?"  

"Yes, there was a reddit forum for ex-members of religious extremist groups where we both began posting." Freed finished off their braid and tied it, then twisted it until it was a bun again at the back of their head. "Bix and Ever – I think you met them already – encouraged me to meet him. We don't look like we have much in common, I know, but...love is love." They smiled softly at Gray, then hopped down from the counter and gestured for him to follow. "Let's make sure we get to taste some of our cooking before the rest of these animals eat it all."  

 

* * *

 

"I am never eating again," Lucy declared, leaning back against her chair and placing both hands on her stomach. "Freed, Gray – you two are amazing. Please come to my house and cook me food all the time." Everyone laughed, then chimed in their praises.  

Fitting thirteen people around the dining room table had been difficult but not impossible, and they were all crammed so tightly that their elbows were touching. Everyone's hands were in everything, and the air was full of demands like  _pass the bacon_  and  _more coffee_ and  _if you eat the last pancake I'm going to murder you and hide your body where no-one will find it._  

When everyone appeared to be full, Freed tapped their coffee mug to get everyone's attention.  

"So, we have a New Year's tradition," they said. "Everyone has to go around and say what their favorite memory of the last year was, or one thing they're looking forward to this year. Or both. Or you don't have to say anything at all."  

"I'll go first!" Lucy bounced in her seat as everyone turned to look at her. "My favorite memory – and of course it's silly and clichéd – was when my son Kaden was born. But there's lots of memories associated with that, and they're all with Natsu." The pink-haired boy blinked from his corner of the table where he was practically sitting on Gray's lap. Lucy smiled at him warmly. "Memories like when he painted my toes because I was too big to reach them." Levy groaned in solidarity. "Or when we saw Kaden's heartbeat for the first time."  

"Luce, you're gonna make me cry," Natsu breathed, and Gray knew that was a lie because he was  _already_ crying, soft tears clinging to his eyelashes. Gray pressed a kiss to his knuckles.  

"I know the ride to the hospital and the twenty-some hours in the waiting room weren't fun," Lucy continued, her voice getting thicker now. "But when you burst in that door and you hugged me...and your face when you held Kaden...I just..." She sniffed, and Cana reached over, grasping her hand. "I just love you so much, and I know you've had a rough year, but I want you to know how much you mean to me and Kaden."  

"Luce..." Natsu said softly, wiping tears from his eyes. "Love you too."  

"Well, I'm pretty sure nobody can beat that," Gajeel grumbled, and the tension broke as everyone laughed.  

"Lucy, that's incredibly sweet." Freed had also teared up, and was rubbing the corners of their eyes. "Should we go around in a circle?" 

"Can everyone just say who you are before you start?" Bix added. "I haven't met all of you before so I don't recognize all your voices quite yet."   

"Sure," Cana said, since she was sitting next to Lucy. "My name's Cana. I, ah...my favorite memory is getting my puppy, Dex. Dogs are just the best 'cause they don't judge you. I can come home and tell Dex that my day was fucked up and terrible and he just kisses my face and loves me anyway."  

"This is Erza." The redhead looked contemplative. "This year, I'm looking forward to trying again." She didn't say anything else, but Gray was almost one hundred percent certain that she was talking about Jellal. He still wasn't sure how he felt about it.  

"Ever here," the green-haired girl said. "My favorite memory was going to comicon with you fucking nerds." She gestured at Bix, Freed and Laxus. "And seeing Laxus dressed up as Goku." Bix giggled, and Laxus glared at him.  

"It was a great costume and you know it," the blonde man rumbled. "And I'll have you all know that I won the costume contest." Gray snorted with laughter, trying to picture Laxus in an orange gi.  

"This is Levy," the petite girl said shyly. She picked at her flaking nailpolish anxiously. "I'm looking forward to meeting this little girl." She placed a hand on her stomach and smiled up at Gajeel. Gray was stunned to see the most tender, kind expression he had ever seen on the dark-haired man's face.  

"Gajeel," he said roughly. "Levy stole my moment." Everyone laughed. "But I am lookin' forward to meetin' her too. Dunno if I'll make a good dad, but...I'll try."  

"You do okay," Ryos interjected, giving Gajeel a grin that was half-serious, half-teasing. Gajeel swallowed heavily, then reached over and ruffled his brother's hair. "I'm Ryos," he continued. "My favorite memory was...um...meeting Sting." His voice trailed off, and Gray tried not to laugh. Friggin' teenagers. Although now that he thought about it...meeting Natsu might be his favorite memory too.  _Ugh_ , when did he get so sappy?  

"My name is Sting," the blonde boy said. He looked shy, and Gray could see that he was holding Ryos' hand under the table. "And that's...yeah, my same memory too. Except the part where Ryos punched me in the face."  

"It was an  _accident_ ," Ryos insisted, cheeks turning pink. "You know I suck at skateboarding." Natsu laughed.  

"Me too, dude." The dark-haired boy looked at Natsu gratefully. Natsu winked, then suddenly realized it was his turn. He bit his lip, and Gray rubbed his hand again. "I'm Natsu, and...this year has been really shitty. I think most of you know that. Kinda crashed and burned last week." His leg began jiggling, and Gray ran a hand down his thigh reassuringly. "But I'm getting better. So next year I'm looking forward to...getting my diploma. And doing something with my life. Maybe learning some French so this guy can't swear at me behind my back." He grinned and elbowed Gray, who felt affection flow through him. He noticed Freed giving him a pointed look from the end of the table.  

"This is Gray." He cleared his throat. "And for the record, I don't swear at Natsu in French. It's funnier when he understands it." Natsu laughed and squeezed his hand. "I, ah...have also had a shitty year. And I felt like I had nothing to...to be happy about." He closed his eyes for a minute, feeling Natsu's solid weight against his leg. "M-my favorite memory...is Christmas. I was...not in a good place and then this guy-" he nudged Natsu "-smashed a snowball in my face." Gray could hear other people chuckling, but he kept his gaze on the table. "We had like...a two-hour snowball fight. And it felt like things were going to be okay."  

"Awwww." There was a chorus from half the table, and Gray's cheeks turned pink. Natsu leaned over and bumped their heads together.  

"And I totally kicked his ass, too," Natsu added cheekily. Gray gave him a look, pinching his thigh and causing him to squeak.  

"I don't think so," he growled.  

"Alright, get a room you two," Ever said, waving her hand in their direction.  

"Hey! I'm Bix and I guess I don't need to say my own name because I know who I am." Everyone laughed. "My favorite memory was getting my guide dog, Baby. She's not here today because she would eat all the sausages and I can get around here pretty well on my own. But she's a really good dog and I had to do a lot of training to get her, so it was pretty much the highlight of my year." He paused, running a hand through his blue hair. "Except seeing Laxus dressed as Goku, of course." 

"Look, you dressed up as Geordi from Star Trek, you have no room to talk."  

"But it works! I'm blind, he's blind."  

"I'm blonde and muscly, Goku is blonde and muscly..."  

"Yeah, yeah." Bix snorted with laughter and gave Laxus a friendly punch on the shoulder. "Your turn."  

"Okay, I'm Goku..." Bix sighed, his mouth twitching up in a smile. Laxus grinned. "My best memory was moving in with Gramps a couple weeks ago. It was really hard, my dad is...challenging..." Ever snorted. "And I'm applying for technical school to become an electrician. So I'm looking forward to that." He turned to Freed, reaching out and wrapping an arm around them. "You're last, babe."  

 _Babe?_ Gray tried not to let his disbelief show.  

"I'm Freed, and for those of you who don't know, I use they and them pronouns." Freed played with a strand of hair that had slipped from their bun. "My favorite memory from this past year was volunteering at the LGBT youth camp over the summer. It was a lot of work, but...I wish I had those experiences when I was young, and I'm so glad that these kids get to have good role models!"  

"I don't know if I would call you a good role model, you  _do_ have a sword collection." Bix's voice was teasing, and Freed huffed.  

"I'm rolling my eyes at you, Bix," they muttered. "And looking exasperated." Bix gave them a thumbs-up. "Thank you all for doing that with us. Now please, eat more food. I don't want to pack up eleven boxes of leftovers."  

Just then, a short, elderly man with wild white hair and a mustache appeared in the doorway, waving at Laxus.  

"Happy New Year, everyone! Bix, it's Grampa." Bix waved as Laxus' grandfather smiled at them all. "Did you all have fun?" A chorus of  _yes_ and  _awesome_ and  _thank you for letting us stay here_  filled the room.  

"Want some breakfast, Grampa?" Freed gestured to the table, but Laxus' grandfather shook his head. "You have to at least do the New Year's thing."  

"Oh, but you always make me pick just  _one_ memory," he sighed. "Hmm. Having Laxus move in here. And seeing him happy with you." Laxus' face turned pinker than Gray had ever seen it, but he accepted the one-armed hug from his grandfather. "Now, keep having fun, but make sure you clean the kitchen!"  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **French Translations**  
>  Crisse de câlice de tabarnak d'osti de sacrement = motherfucking shit fuck  
> Tu vas bien? = You okay?  
> Oui, ce n'est pas grave = Yeah, it's not serious  
> Tu parles français? = You speak French?


	24. you feel like home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natsu wants to do something on his own, and Gray makes an important decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little bit of smut, mostly fluff.

_When I look in your eyes_    
_it doesn't matter at all_    
_you may help me to make it right_    
_when I can feel you breathing_    
_you feel like, feel like home_    
- Lenay, "You Feel Like Home"

"How're you feeling?" 

Natsu looked over at Gray from where he was curled up in the passenger seat, a bright blue sucker caught between his teeth. He felt gross from sleeping in his clothes overnight, and he was sure his hair looked ridiculous. His black eyeliner was smudged even more now, making his face feel itchy and uncomfortable. 

"Natsu? You okay?" 

"...yes. Yeah. Sorry." Natsu blinked a few times, running a hand over his face and yawning. "Just sleepy. That bed was shit. How's your shoulder?" Gray made a noncommittal sound. 

"It's alright. It's been...better lately." He turned the corner and Natsu winced, the sun suddenly blinding him. He pulled up his hood and ducked his face to avoid the bright light. 

"Do you think some of it is – was – is? I dunno. Psycho-so-whatever?" He bit down on the sucker and crunched the pieces between his teeth. Gray looked pensive. 

"Maybe?" His left hand drifted to rub his scar, and Natsu's chest clenched. Gray had been much more open over the last week, and Natsu had plenty of opportunities to see him shirtless, but he knew that Gray was still very self-conscious of his scars. "It probably helps that I'm distracted." Gray's teasing voice brought Natsu back to reality.

"Mmm, by your handsome boyfriend?" Natsu teased, scooting over in his seat and sliding a hand over Gray's thigh. 

"Hmm. Maybe." He made a soft, contented sound as Natsu's fingers drifted up and down the fabric of his jeans. Natsu could tell he was tense, and the stress seemed to dissolve under his fingertips. 

"You okay, Snowflake?" 

"Yeah, why?" Gray frowned, flicking on his blinker and turning right onto the street for the apartment. 

"We were over there for a long time; you're not a people person." Natsu shrugged, fingers dipping deeper onto the inside of Gray's thigh. Gray shivered, and Natsu grinned. "You and Freed seemed to hit it off." 

"Yeah, they s-speak French," Gray said shakily. Natsu could tell that he was trying hard to ignore the hand that was now ghosting across his lap to brush the inside of his left leg. "You are b-being very distracting." 

"Am I?" Natsu's feigned innocence. "I thought that was a  _good_ thing." He increased the pressure slightly, then leaned all the way across the console and pressed a sticky kiss to Gray's cheek. "I can stop if you waaaant." He slid his hand away and Gray growled. "Guess you'd better get home quick so I can keep going." He saw a muscle in Gray's jaw twitch, but didn't say anything when the car sped up slightly. 

As soon as Natsu had kicked off his shoes, he felt Gray grab his sweater, and he yelped in surprise as he was slammed back against the wall.

“Ahh-ahh!” Natsu half-exclaimed, half-moaned as Gray leaned forward, biting his neck. “You…mnnn…we…ahhh…” He tipped his head back against the wall and gave up on talking, letting Gray assault his neck and throat with soft, open-mouthed kisses. The hand gripping Natsu’s sweater trailed down and slipped under the fabric, pushing Natsu’s hips back against the wall. 

“ _,_ ” Gray breathed against Natsu’s neck, and Natsu moaned Gray’s name as he brought a hand up to the other boy’s dark hair. “You are unbelievably hot.” Gray pressed himself up against Natsu, moving his kisses to the pink-haired boy’s mouth. 

“Fffffuu...ah, god, yes,” Natsu moaned as Gray dropped his hand lower and ground their hips together. Gray ran his other hand underneath Natsu’s sweater, dragging his nails across the shorter boy’s chest as he bit Natsu’s lower lip. “Ahhh, Jesus Christ. W-we…ahhh…sh-should move…gnnnh…to the b-bedroom so-“ 

“Who says we’re going to the bedroom?” Gray growled, sliding both hands around the back of Natsu’s thighs. He bent his knees slightly, then lifted Natsu up, pushing him back against the wall and nudging him to wrap his legs around Gray’s hips. Keeping his left arm under Natsu’s thigh, he brought the other up to brace himself against the wall. 

“Fucking…shit, ahhh,” Natsu groaned as he settled his legs around Gray’s waist, pulling them tightly together. Gray rocked forward, kissing Natsu again and moaning into his mouth with each thrust. “Fuck, you’re so loud,” Natsu breathed, adjusting his hips slightly and shuddering at the resulting sensation. “I love it.” 

“It’s cause you feel so good,” Gray groaned, panting heavily. Natsu glanced down at his arm, but Gray shook his head. “‘S ok, it’s my left arm. I’m fine.” He ran his teeth along Natsu’s jaw. “One day, I’m gonna take you like this.” Heat pooled low in Natsu’s belly and he moaned, throwing his head back against the wall. “And when I do, you’re gonna make so much noise that our neighbours are going to complain.” Tight waves of arousal radiated through Natsu, and every point that Gray touched felt like it was on fire, even through his clothing. 

“C-clothes…off…” Natsu groaned, tugging on Gray’s hair and getting a sharp gasp in response. Gray dropped his forehead to Natsu’s shoulder and rested it there, panting and moaning in time with the rocking of their bodies. 

“No,” he grunted, shifting his grip on Natsu’s thigh and pressing even harder against him. Natsu whined at the sensation. “L-laundry room’s…ahh…less’n five feet…gnnngh…’way.” He ran his tongue over Natsu’s collarbone, then tipped his head up and kissed him again. “J-just let…go…” 

That was all it took for Natsu to cry out, tipping forward and burying his face in the crook of Gray’s neck, tightening his hand in the dark hair as he rode out the waves of pleasure. 

“There you go,” Gray whispered as Natsu clung to him limply, and then Gray was holding him tightly, biting Natsu's sweater to muffle the deep, rough groan that escaped his lips. Natsu kissed his cheeks, stroking his hair and whispering soft things in his ear as he shuddered. 

After a moment of breathing together, Gray's grip loosened, and he lowered Natsu gently back to the floor, placing both hands on the wall on either side of his head. Natsu hummed happily and leaned up, kissing Gray lazily. 

"I need to tease you more often," he murmured, then shifted uncomfortably. "Wanna come shower?" 

 

* * *

 

 

"Gray." Natsu stretched his leg as far as he could without disturbing Happy – who was currently curled up next to him – and tried to poke his boyfriend. "Graaaay." He managed to brush his toes against Gray's sweatpants, and the other boy startled awake, blinking blearily at Natsu.

"Wh....'sa matter?" He frowned slightly, and Natsu couldn't help the fond chuckle that passed his lips. 

"You're adorable," he said, shifting over on the couch – much to Happy's chagrin – and grabbing the laptop from Gray's lap before it could tumble to the ground. "You fell asleep." 

"Hmmm." Gray grabbed a pillow and dropped it into Natsu's lap, then flopped over and nuzzled his face into the pink-haired boy's stomach. Natsu could feel his soft breaths through his thin-shirt. "I see you woke me up to offer to be my new pillow." His voice was muffled and sleepy. 

"I  _was_ gonna ask if you wanted coffee or a nap," Natsu countered, combing his fingers through Gray's hair. "But you've made your position clear." He laughed when Gray rolled over slightly, pouting up at Natsu. 

"But...coffee." Sleepy Gray was Natsu's favorite version of his boyfriend. It blurred the hard edges, softened the sarcasm, and made him adorably vulnerable. 

"You could do both?" Natsu leaned down and kissed Gray, who hummed happily. "Full disclosure, it  _is_  five already. Wanna order takeout? I don't think we have any more leftovers. We need to go grocery shopping soon." 

"Let's get tacos," Gray mumbled, throwing his arm around Natsu's hip and burying his face back in his lap. "There's that...place. 's not far." 

"'That place'," Natsu muttered sarcastically, fishing Gray's phone out of his pocket and searching for the restaurant. "You'd better get up then, sleepyhead, we gotta walk there..." A disagreeable grumble was his only response. Natsu bit his lip, an idea forming in his head. "Hey..Gray?" 

Gray must have sensed the change in Natsu's tone, because he propped himself up on his elbows and looked up more seriously. 

"How would you feel about me going by myself?" Natsu's stomach did a little flip as he said that, and he dropped Gray's gaze. He hadn't been  _alone_ since the hospital. 

"How do  _you_  feel about it?" Gray was entirely awake now, sitting up and entwining his fingers with Natsu's. "If you're asking if you're  _allowed_ , I don't tell you what you can and can't do. The hospital asked me to keep an eye on you, watch for suicidal behaviors or patterns, and make sure you take your meds. And you're doing really well." 

Natsu flinched at the word  _suicidal_  - it still stung. He felt Gray squeeze his hand and he let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. 

"I don’t...I'm not gonna do something stupid." He chewed on his lip, grateful that Gray was just waiting for him to speak. "I f-feel like maybe I...need to prove I can do it?" Gray nodded, then reached over and brushed some stray hairs back from his face. 

"I trust you." He leaned in and kissed Natsu gently. "And you should trust yourself too." Natsu swallowed, resting his forehead against Gray's.

"Thanks," he whispered. Gray leaned back and grinned at him.

"Just know that if you get my order wrong, you're gonna have to walk there twice, because I do not take tacos lightly." 

 

* * *

 

The trip was entirely uneventful, despite Natsu feeling like he was on the edge of a panic attack the entire time. He couldn't even vocalize exactly what it was that he was afraid of, but his hands and fingers thrummed with an uncomfortable energy the whole way there. 

When he finally walked into the restaurant, he couldn't help the feeling that everyone was staring at him, like they  _knew_ that under his jacket sleeves was a glaring reminder of his stupidity and incapacity to function like a normal human being. 

Unsurprisingly, nothing happened and nobody said anything, and he was back at the apartment less than forty minutes later with their food. 

"You okay?" Gray took the bags from Natsu and set them on the kitchen counter, where he was making popcorn. "Hey, look at me." He grabbed Natsu's sweater and pulled him into a hug, and Natsu practically melted into his arms. 

"I'm fucking stupid," he muttered, and Gray exhaled softly, resting his chin on Natsu's head. "'course nothin' happened, I know that, I just can't help feeling all this anxiety but like, it's not like I can accidentally kill mys-" He stopped, groaning and covering his face with his hands. 

"This is why you're seeing the psychiatrist tomorrow," Gray said softly, kissing the top of Natsu's head and squeezing him tighter. "You'll get to talk to somebody about these feelings and they'll be able to explain them way better than I can. Because let's face it, I'm a train wreck and between the two of us we're barely functioning human beings." 

Natsu snorted. The tingling feeling was mostly gone now, and he was left feeling ravenously hungry. He wrapped his arms around Gray and squeezed, kissing his neck and then stepping back to shrug off his hoodie. 

"You wanna watch a movie?" He grabbed a couple plates from the cabinets and started arranging their food on them as Gray finished melting the butter. "Oooor we could play Smash Bros again?" 

"Fuck that game," Gray grumbled, and Natsu laughed. "We could watch a movie, though. I wanted to, ah, talk to you about something, though." They had made their way to the living room and were setting things on the coffee table, and Natsu felt something in his chest tighten. 

"Aboooouuut?" He said nervously. A million things flashed through his head, most of which he knew were ridiculous. Gray flopped down on the couch and pulled Natsu down next to him. 

"I've...been thinking about..." Gray sighed, and Natsu reached out to grab his hand. "Those letters. From...L-lyon." He swallowed. "I th-think I want to read them." 

"Gray," Natsu whispered, reaching over and rubbing the back of his boyfriend's neck. "That's...big. How do you feel?" 

"Terrified," Gray admitted, voice small and quiet. "And...maybe just the first one. Or maybe I'd have to stop. I don't know. But I just...I want to know  _why_." 

Natsu trailed his fingers down from Gray's neck to rest them on the back of his shoulder. He could feel the thick, jagged scar tissue under his fingertips, and it filled him with a sense of fiery rage. He knew that this was Gray's battle, but had a feeling that if he ever did end up meeting Lyon, it wouldn't be a pleasant encounter. 

"The answers might not be there," he said softly, more cautioning than dissuading. Gray nodded. 

"I know. But...I want to try." He leaned over and bumped his head against Natsu's. "I don't think I can read them myself," he continued, "and they're going to be in French. I don't want Ultear to help. Do you think it would be weird if I asked Freed?" 

Natsu pondered the question for a moment, then shook his head. 

"They seemed super chill," he said. "I didn't spend much time with them at the party, but I hung out with Bix and he's their roommate. He said that they're like, crazy smart." Gray nodded. "I can text Bix to get their number if you want?" Gray shook his head. 

"I have it already, they asked about French tutoring, which they  _definitely_ don't need." Natsu felt Gray snuggle closer to him, so he reached out his foot and tugged the coffee table close enough to reach their food without moving. 

"If that's what you want to do, I'll be here for you." Natsu kissed Gray's temple, then snagged one of his burritos. Gray sat up and followed suit. 

"That reminds me of something else I wanted to ask you," he said around a mouthful of lettuce and ground beef. "Sylvie comes here for sleepovers sometimes...would it be okay with you if she stayed over on Friday?" Natsu blinked. 

"Yeah, of course," he replied immediately. "I mean, this is your place, I don't wanna..." He frowned at the expression of...frustration? disappointment?...that flashed across Gray's face. "Okay, what's that look for?" Gray suddenly looked very interested in the popcorn bowl. "Snowflake. What's up?" 

"I...don't want you to...feel like it's  _my_ place," Gray admitted quietly. "It feels..." He trailed off, bringing his hands to his face and groaning. Natsu could see the tips of his ears turning red, and he set down his food, grabbing Gray's hands. 

"I really like being here," he said softly. "Best place I've ever lived, hands down. Although, the rest of them were shady at best so that might not be saying much." He gave a half-hearted smile. 

"It feels like  _home_ with you here." Gray's face was bright red now, and he wasn't looking at Natsu, but he looked determined. The rest of his words tumbled out in a rush. "I don't know what you want to do after your birthday, I mean, I don’t want to assume. That you want to stay, I mean. Because I want you to, and I know we've only known each other for like a month but this is kind of a unique situation, and it would be stupid to have you move out and then move back in at the ‘societally acceptable point in our relationship’. Which isn’t to say that-“ 

"Of course I want to stay, you idiot." Gray blinked and looked up at Natsu, brows furrowed and mouth slightly open. 

"You do?" 

"Yes." Natsu leaned over and kissed his nose. "Even though you have an entire cupboard dedicated to novelty coffee mugs, and you buy silly expensive almond milk, and you're an octopus when you sleep, and your cat seems to think my head is a pillow." Gray huffed indignantly. 

"'m not an octopus," he said, somewhat petulantly. 

"Mmm yeah you are, Snowflake. But you're a cute octopus." Natsu tugged Gray closer to him, wrapping an arm around him and situating the popcorn bowl on his stomach. "Now let's find something terrible to watch on Netflix and enjoy our last night of vacation before group tomorrow." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **French Translations**  
>  Tu me rends fou = You make me crazy
> 
> I wanted to touch on Natsu's recovery. Everybody is different, and so his recovery process might look totally different than someone else's. I also have bipolar disorder, and when I was hospitalized a couple years ago, I didn't feel right for a long time after that. Other people come out of things like this feeling like they can go back to "normal" a lot quicker.
> 
> Also, the living together thing - yes it's quick, but honestly I don't love the trope of "oh man he wants me to leave", "oh man he wants to leave" going on forever. They seem like they communicate pretty well so I'd rather have them be honest with each other. Also, my partner and I moved in together very shortly after starting our relationship and we've been together for almost 10 years. ^_^


	25. it's time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Group starts again, and Gray worries he's not making any progress.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! I'm sorry for not updating as often recently. When I started writing this, I was in a hypomanic state (like Natsu, I also suffer from bipolar disorder), and it made it super easy to just churn out chapter after chapter (and consequently only sleep like 2-4 hours/night). I've come out of that now and am kinda back to baseline, but I am still writing! It's just not as quick or as often. : )

_So this is what you meant_    
_When you said that you were spent_    
_And now it's time to build from the bottom of the pit_    
_Right to the top_    
_Don't hold back_    
_-_ Imagine Dragons, "It's Time"

"Welcome back, everyone!" Mira burst into the common area with a scarf wrapped tightly around her neck, books tucked under one arm and a coffee in her hand. "Happy New Year!" 

An assortment of vaguely enthusiastic murmurs circled through the group, and Gray contributed with a half-hearted "yay" mumbled over his cup of coffee. Group had been moved to the morning in the new year to accommodate Mira's schedule, and everyone seemed to be suffering. 

"It looks like everyone is bright and chipper today!" Mira teased, and a couple of people groaned. Cana, Erza and Lucy were almost asleep in the beanbag chairs, Laxus and Gajeel were both slumped over the table with their heads in their arms, and Gray and Natsu were both on the floor. Gray was sitting with his back against the wall, coffee mug balanced on his knees in front of him, and Natsu's head was on his shoulder. Gray was pretty sure he was snoring. 

"Wake up, sunshine," he murmured, shrugging his shoulder a little.  "Mira's here." Natsu grumbled unhappily, nuzzling Gray's shoulder, but sat up, rubbing his eyes. Something in Gray protested at the loss of contact. He was unsure and uncertain this morning, and the warmth of his boyfriend pressed against his side was helping to keep those feelings at bay. 

"Gnnnnnnggghhh," Natsu grumbled, grabbing his own coffee from the table in front of them and taking a large gulp. "Why'sit gotta be so  _early_?" Gray had to agree – this was a far cry from the late, lazy mornings they'd had over the Christmas holidays. Waking up at six a.m. wrapped up in the warmth of Natsu's arms had made it even more difficult to get out of bed, although Natsu had bribed him with a shower together. Which had ended up taking about ten times longer than it should have, but in Gray's opinion, it was definitely worth it. 

"I know everyone's probably pretty tired today," Mira said cheerfully, leaning against one of the desks and smiling at everyone. "I hope you all had a good vacation! Why don't we start off with a quick go-round, with everyone sharing one thing they're looking forward to this year?" 

"Did that," mumbled Laxus, without raising his head. 

"Oh?" Mira said, her eyebrows raised in surprise. 

"Yeah, we all had New Year's brunch at Laxus' grampa's place," Lucy explained, twisting into a sitting position and tugging her hair back into a messy ponytail. "So we all talked about our favorite memories or things we're excited about."  

"That's wonderful, I'm so glad you're all getting along outside of group!" Mira enthused, and while Gray sort of hated her for being able to be this cheerful first thing in the morning, he could feel that her smile was genuine. "Alright, how about we do something more relevant to the program instead. Do you all feel comfortable discussing how you've been moving toward your goals for the group?" Nobody disagreed, although Gray wasn't certain what he had to contribute to this discussion.

"I'll go first," Lucy offered. She was dressed in a pair of yoga pants and a baggy hoodie, and she cradled her Starbucks cup between her hands. Her legs were stretched over Erza's lap, and her back rested against Cana's knees. "I moved out from my dad's place. We  _are_ on speaking terms now, but I'm staying with my ex at the moment, which isn't as bad as it sounds." She twirled a loose piece of hair around one finger. "I have someone helping me look for housing, and my ex and I are working on a real custody agreement with Kaden, where he actually pays me some child support." 

"It sounds like you're really proud of these choices, Lucy." Mira's face was soft and her smile wide and authentic. "Those are definitely measurable way that you're working towards your goal." 

After that, everyone was happy to share. Laxus talked about moving in with his grandfather and applying to become an electrician, and Gajeel said that he had secured community service hours to finish his probation, and had helped set up a nursery for the baby. Erza talked about starting a new program for rebuilding relationships after addiction, and Cana had signed up for a teen AA program. 

The more everyone else talked about their successes, the more Gray's stomach twisted and the dark feeling from earlier settled deeper into his chest. Everyone was making progress. Everyone was getting better, and he still wasn't sure that he could even read a bunch of stupid letters that his fucking asshole brother wrote him from prison. He couldn't talk about his mom without wanting to throw up. He had opened up a bit to Natsu, sure, but... 

"Wow. I'm...not really sure where to start." Gray looked up as he realized that Natsu was speaking. "I left my...abusive foster home." He swallowed, looking down at the floor. Only the faintest traces of the bruises on his face remained. "I'm living with Gray now. It's going really well." A flush of color rose to his cheeks, and Gray felt himself smiling. "I got a new psychiatrist and I'm taking my meds. I haven't hurt myself in thirteen days." 

"Natsu, we are all very, very proud of you," Mira said softly, and everyone chimed in with words of encouragement. "I know these past few weeks have been difficult, but you are doing a wonderful job at making positive changes in your life." Natsu ducked his head and blushed, nudging Gray to take over. 

"Um," Gray said awkwardly, keeping his eyes trained on the hole in the toe of his shoe. "I, ah..." He chewed on his lip. What  _had_ he done? "I'm not..." 

Natsu slid his hand over and rested it against Gray's – not holding it, but touching him nonetheless. Gray exhaled softly, trying to breathe past the lump in his chest. 

"I finally talked about...my brother," he said after a moment. "It...was really hard...and I, um, I guess that sounds dumb, it wasn't big deal like everyone else's." He dug his fingernails into the carpet. 

"Gray." He had been expecting to hear Mira’s voice, but instead was faced with Natsu’s gentle, reproachful tone. “As someone who was  _there,_ it was a  _really_ big deal.” Gray felt his face growing warm, and he took a shaky breath. 

“I just…um…” He tensed, feeling a warm pressure behind his eyes.  _No,_ he thought, running a hand over his face.  _Nope, this is not happening. I am not crying here._ But no amount of swallowing or clenching his jaw could keep the tears from spilling out the corners of his eyes. “Fuck, I’m sorry,” he whispered, wiping at his face angrily with the heel of his palm. 

He felt Natsu's hand hovering next to his, the slight shift in his body that indicated he wanted to hug Gray but was waiting for his permission. Gray felt frozen. Part of him was terrified of this – of showing these emotions, letting people see him vulnerable. The other part figured they had already seen so much, and hadn't Natsu taught him that being open like this was okay? 

"Gray." Mira was kneeling in front of him now, touching his arm gently. "This must be very difficult for you. Nobody here is going to judge you for your emotions, but if you would prefer, we can all leave the room for a little bit." Gray shook his head a bit and leaned into Natsu slightly. Natsu scooted up next to him and wrapped an arm around him, letting Gray rest his head on his shoulder. 

"Gray, I really admire your dedication to being a good person." He wiped his eyes with his sleeve, peering up to see Erza smiling at him. "You always see the best in other people. That's not a weakness." 

"You're so caring," Lucy added, and Gray made a soft sound as he realized what they were doing. They had done this for Cana when she relapsed the week after group started. Mira called it a "compliment circle", which made it sound like they were in kindergarten, but Cana  _had_ felt better afterwards, so it must have been effective. "The people in your life are lucky to have you." 

"You're  _real_ ," Cana said. "You don't bullshit or lie about things. It makes what you say more... authentic." Gray felt a sob building in his chest, and he dropped his head to his knees, swallowing hard. Natsu rubbed his back in slow circles, murmuring soft things like  _it's okay_ and _I'm here_. 

"You're compassionate," Laxus rumbled, drumming his fingers on the table. "You've shown that you're willing to do anything to help out the people you care about." Gray didn't have to look up to know that Laxus was gazing at Natsu as he spoke. He felt the sob burst out of his chest, accompanied by a fresh wave of tears, and he gripped his knees tighter. 

"You..." Gajeel's voice was rough, and Gray kept his head between his knees, knowing that he would lose it completely if he made eye contact with anyone right now. "You forgave me." The words hit Gray like a physical blow to the stomach, tensing up his chest and making him dig his nails into his palms.  _Fuck_ that word. "I didn't deserve it, but you forgave me. An' it doesn't seem like a big deal, but...people don't trust me. An' you saw all the shit I pulled back then, an' I was a dick to you, an' you still just let it go." 

Gray let out a shuddering breath, trying to focus on the small patterns that Natsu was drawing on his back. He felt the pink-haired boy shift beside him, pressing their knees together. 

"You saved my life," Natsu said, just loud enough for the rest of the room to hear. "You saved my life, and you gave me a place to stay, and you brought me into you family. You're a super cool uncle, and a great brother, and you make the best French toast I've ever had." Gray laughed a bit at that, wiping his face and sniffling. 

"You are an exceptional young man, Gray," Mira said softly. "You have come so far in such a short time – you all have – and you should all be very proud of yourselves." She stood up slowly, making her way back to the front of the room. Gray shuddered, leaning into Natsu's shoulder. "We're going to take a quick break now, and when we get back we're going to talk about making healthy choices." 

Gray closed his eyes for a minute, letting himself cry while he listened to the sound of Natsu's breathing and everyone else moving around the classroom. The tears stopped after a minute, leaving him feeling like a worn-out version of himself. He lifted his head, sniffed, and rubbed his face with his sleeve. 

"You good?" Natsu was still there, arm still tracing shapes on his back, eyebrows furrowed in concern. Gray nodded, trying not to look at anyone else in the room. "It's okay. They're not judging." Natsu bumped their heads together gently. 

Gray jumped when something nudged his foot and looked up to see Erza standing above them. She reached down her hands and he took one, letting her pull both him and Natsu to their feet. As soon as he was standing, she pulled him into a tight hug. Even when they knew each other before, they hadn't been very affectionate, so it caught him off guard. 

"I meant it," Erza whispered as he relaxed into her embrace. "It's not a weakness." She slowly let him go and grabbed both his shoulders, looking at him seriously. "It's okay to see the best in people, but to also be cautious and angry. Those two things can exist simultaneously." Gray dropped her gaze, feeling shaky. He'd been so uncertain about her relationship with Jellal that he'd missed the parallels to his relationship with Lyon.

"Thanks," he said softly. "I feel like I've been a shitty friend to you." She shook her head, but he continued. "If you ever wanna talk about..." He gestured to the tattoo on her finger. "We could grab coffee or something." Erza gave him a half-smile, and at that moment it was so easy to see her as Scarlet, the brash, over-confident fifteen-year-old with a bleach-blonde mohawk and fishnet stockings that he'd met so many years ago. 

"You're sweet," she said, squeezing his hand. "I might take you up on it." 

"I'm...I just gotta go do something, okay?" Gray looked between Natsu and Erza, who both nodded at him, Natsu smiling softly. 

Gray slipped out of the classroom, pulling his phone out of his pocket. He thumbed through the contacts until he hit Freed's name, then hovered there hesitantly. What if it was weird? What if he made them uncomfortable? What if...

_Fuck it,_ he thought, pulling up a message window. 

_?_

He set the phone down in his lap, taking deep breaths and praying  _please don't be busy, I don't think I can put this off much longer without imploding._ He didn't have to wait long for an answer. 

_?_

_._

There. Asking for help wasn't so hard. Except now he felt like that was maybe a bit imperative, so he added,  _If that's okay. Please?_

_Of course,_ Freed replied.  _What do you need help with?_

Gray sighed, running a hand over his face. It would probably be easier to explain on the phone, but he wasn't sure he could get through it without crying again. He typed out the quickest reply he could think of. 

_My brother's in jail and he wrote me these letters, and I want to read them but I don't think I can do it myself. They're in French so I was hoping you might be able to read them...to me._

He watched the ellipsis bounce on the bottom of the screen, chewing on his lip. 

_Not a problem. Why don't you (and Natsu) come over on Saturday? Anytime is fine._ Freed included the address in the message, and when Gray pulled it up on his map, it wasn't far from Ultear's house. 

_Thank you so much._ He could feel that some of the nervous energy in his body was starting to dissipate, and he breathed out a sigh of relief. 

_Anytime. Now get back to group and I'll see you on Saturday. : )_

Gray smiled, shoving his phone back into his pocket and standing up. He took another deep breath, shook out his hands, then headed back to face the rest of the morning. 

* * *

"Gray, my favorite patient, light of my life...are you  _smiling_?" 

"Fuck off," Gray grumbled good-naturedly, reaching out to shake the hand of the red-headed woman perched on the table in front of him. 

"Please tell me that cutie is the reason behind it," she whispered, pointing at the front of the office where Natsu was draped casually over two chairs, thumbing through Gray's phone where he was doing French exercises. His lips were moving slowly, headphones draped over one ear, and he played absently with a strand of pink hair that hung in his eyes. 

"His name is Natsu," Gray said softly without actually answering the question. He could feel the corners of his mouth turn up, and he turned away quickly to hide his embarrassment. 

"Graaaaay you're in love," the woman whispered, face softening. "When? Where? How did this happen? Also, come over here, I'm going to take some measurements today." She gestured for him to head over to the wall near the back of the room. 

"Am I almost done with this stuff?" Gray asked, trying to change the subject. The woman raised her eyebrow at him and he sighed. " _Yes_ , Sherry, I am doing the exercises at home. Ask my boyfriend if you don't believe me." She let out a little squeal and Gray winced. 

"Okay,  _boyfriend_ , and also, he what, lives with you?" Gray glared at her while she palpated his shoulder, then began to manipulate it into different positions. Other than Natsu, Sherry was really the only person who had touched his injured areas, and it had taken Gray a long time to trust her. 

"Yes, boyfriend. And it's a long story," Gray said hesitantly, letting her guide the muscles through the different exercises. His shoulder was almost moving smoothly again – a far cry from his first few appointments, where he couldn't even make a fist with his right hand. In fact, it was a huge improvement from even a week ago. "We ended up living together because of...a situation." 

"That's not vague at  _all_ ," Sherry muttered, handing Gray a dumbbell and encouraging him to lift it up and over his head. 

"It's his story," Gray said firmly, and Sherry flicked her eyes up to his, then nodded. 

"Sorry for prying. How's that feel?" Gray did another ten reps of the exercise, then shrugged at her. 

"Honestly, it's pretty good overall." He handed the dumbbell back to her and rolled the shoulder a bit. "Sometimes if I'm stressed it gets tight and really painful, but you know what Kim thinks about that." Sherry laughed – Kim was Gray's therapist, who believed that the pain was partly psychological. Gray had scoffed at her when she'd first brought it up, but now he wasn't so sure she was wrong. The intense pain seemed to fade when he wasn't stressed or angry, especially over the past week.

"Well, you've really come a long way, my dear." Sherry tilted her head to the side and smiled at him, and between the expression on her face and the words she'd spoken, Gray felt that pressure of tears behind his eyes again. He blinked a few times, managing to keep it in check this time. 

"Th-thanks," he managed. 

"Gray, don't start showing emotions on me now," Sherry chided gently. "I might start thinking you're actually human." He snorted, and she moved back to the table, grabbing her clipboard. "Seriously though – I don’t think you're going to get much more out of coming here. You should keep seeing your neurologist for the pain, but as for here...I think you're done. I know recovery hasn't been easy, but you're ready to move on to bigger and better things." 

Gray crossed his arms over his chest, trying not to let his excitement show. Two months ago, he wouldn't have cared about another 'sign of progress' in his life, but right now...he couldn't keep the grin off his face. 

"Alright, get outta here." Sherry extended an arm and Gray let her pull him into a sideways hug. "Go take your boyfriend on a nice date. Treat him right, he looks like he's a keeper." 

"He is," Gray murmured, turning to see Natsu with his sketchbook open across his knees. "Thank you. For...everything. I was a pretty big asshole and you put up with a lot from me." 

" _Was_ a big asshole?" Sherry gasped, grinning at him. "I kid. I'm really proud of you. Now get out of here and enjoy life." Gray took a couple steps toward the waiting area, then turned to wave. 

"I will. You too." 

He snuck up on Natsu and leaned forward, kissing his cheek and causing him to jump up in his seat. 

" _Jesus,_ Gray, you scared me," he huffed, collecting his sketchbook and the phone. "Done already?" 

"Done for good, actually," Gray said, almost shyly. Natsu tipped his head back and beamed at him. 

"That must feel awesome," he said, tucking his belongings back into his satchel and slipping his feet back into his boots. He made quick work of the laces, then stood and grabbed Gray's hand. "Now we get to go get my brain fixed, hey?" He tried to play it off casually, but Gray could hear the notes of anxiety in his voice. 

"It'll be okay," he said comfortingly, squeezing Natsu's hand. "I can come in with you if you need someone." 

"Mm. I know." Natsu nudged Gray gently and they headed out of the office, meandering down the hallway to the elevator. "I just don't have great experiences with psychiatrists. Maybe this one'll be different." 

They left the building in a comfortable silence, then wandered down the road hand-in-hand until they made it to the car. The snow had stopped falling, and the sun had finally decided to come out, making everything a little bit less grey. 

"I...talked to Freed," Gray said finally, fiddling with the keys. "They said we can come over on Saturday." He ran his thumb over the back of Natsu's hand. 

"How do you feel about it?" Natsu asked gently, leaning against the car and pulling Gray so they were chest to chest. "Sorry, I'm sure you're sick of talking about your feelings today." Gray huffed, dropping his head to Natsu's shoulder. 

"I feel..." He sighed. "Nervous. Terrified? But also...is there a word for pre-relieved? Where you hope you're going to feel a sense of closure?" He closed his eyes, listening to the sound of traffic, and the excited screaming of children at the school playground across the street. 

"Probably in German," Natsu replied, kissing the top of Gray's head. "They have weird, oddly specific words for everything." Gray snorted. "Seriously though, just...I'm here. And if you decide you don't wanna go through with it, that's okay. If you do and it's awful, that's okay. If you do and it's great, that's okay." He wrapped his arms around Gray's shoulders and squeezed him tight. 

"Thank you," Gray mumbled, resting his hands on Natsu's hips. "I guess we'll see what happens." He fumbled for the keychain again, unlocking the doors and standing up, and pressing a quick kiss to Natsu's lips as he did so. 

"So we'll go after brunch on Saturday?" Natsu asked, sliding into the passenger seat and tugging his seatbelt on. Gray nodded. "What time is Ultear dropping Sylvie off on Friday?" 

"Five, I think," Gray replied, pulling out of the parking stall and heading toward the building where Natsu's new psychiatrist worked. "We usually get takeout and watch a movie." Some of the tension in his shoulders bled away at the thought of spending the evening with Natsu and his niece. 

"I heard that her favorite movie is Frozen," Natsu said slowly, and Gray turned to glare at him. "And I believe she mentioned that you like to sing along?" He snickered as Gray's ears turned pink.

"Fuck off," Gray growled, but there was no heat behind it. Instead, all he could think of was curling up on the couch with Sylvie on his lap and Natsu under his arm. He sighed happily – now he just had to make it through the rest of the week in one piece. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A note about some of the French - Gray asks Freed "Est-tu occupé(e*) cette fin d'semaine?". The "occupé(e) is because French has a masculine/feminine structure, and you have to pick the verb based on the gender of the person you're talking about. Since Freed identifies as non-binary and uses they/them pronouns, French is not kind to them. Generally you have to pick one (in speech), but in writing you can put both, which is what Gray has done to make Freed more comfortable. They might eventually have to have a conversation about how to handle spoken verbs - unfortunately there's no gender-neutral option in French. :(


	26. life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natsu is hesitant about his new psychiatrist, and needs to talk to Gray about something important. Sylvie comes for a sleepover!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not really a trigger warning, but description of bad experiences with mental health professionals. Little bit of talk about self-harm, what caused Natsu to want to attempt suicide. For those of us who've been to a psychiatrist, the FEELINGS ASSESSMENT makes an appearance (seriously fuck that thing, I have filled it out like 900000 times).

_H_ _ow_ _many days have you just slept away?_    
_Is everybody high? Is everyone afraid?_    
_And how many times have you wished you were strong?_    
_Have they ever seen your heart?_    
_Have they ever seen your pain?_    
\- Our Lady Peace, "Life" 

 

Ten Years Ago 

 _"Hello?" Eight-year-old Natsu peered up at the woman crouched in front of him. Her hair was dark, and her eyes were a soft blue. She was holding a clipboard to her chest and smiling at him. "My name is Doctor Jennison, but you can call me Kyla. Do you know why I'm here?"_  

 _Natsu shook his head cautiously. He was curled up on the floor in the corner of the hospital room, hands wrapped in fresh bandages, dirty hair hanging in his face. He wiped his nose on his sleeve and stared at her in silence._  

 _"Your dad told me that you set a fire in your backyard and hurt yourself pretty badly." Kyla gave him a soft look, and he scowled at her. "He's pretty worried about you."_  

 _"He's not my dad," Natsu said firmly, tugging his knees tighter against his chest. He wanted to be brave but the tears fell anyway. "My dad left."_  

 _"I'm sorry, sweetie," Kyla said, settling herself on the floor next to Natsu. "It sounds like you're pretty angry about that." Natsu took a shaky breath and nodded, wiping his face with the back of his hand._  

 _"I was just playin'," he grumbled, looking down at his hands. The blistered flesh was visible in between his fingers, but they'd given him a needle and it didn't hurt anymore. "They're gonna send me away. I heard Mr Denton on the phone. He called them and said to take me back cause I'm broken and stupid an' nobody wants me."_  

 _And then the tears came out in a rush, spilling down his cheeks and making dark spots on the knees of his too-large jeans. Kyla made a soft noise and moved to comfort him, but he jerked away from her and scrambled to his feet, clenching his fists as best he could._  

 _"Nobody's never gonna want me," he hiccuped, edging toward the door."They said somethin's wrong with my brain. It's broken an' stupid and I HATE IT!" The last few words were screamed as he bolted towards the door, only to be blocked by Mr Denton, who grabbed his bicep in a bruising grip. Natsu snarled, twisting to try and bite the man's hand. "I HATE IT and I HATE YOU!"_  

 

"Natsu?" He jumped, eyes wide as he turned to look at Gray. The scene around him resolved back into the psychiatrist’s office, and he sighed. "Hey, what's wrong?" Gray reached over and brushed his hand over Natsu's cheek, and the pink-haired boy rested his face against Gray's palm. "You zoned out there for a bit. You okay?"  

"Yeah," Natsu said softly, rubbing his eyes. "Just thinking. Which isn't a great idea right now." He shifted uncomfortably in the waiting room chair, glancing around at the three other patients. A fish tank in the center of the room provided ambient lighting, and the sound of a waterfall came from behind him.  

"It'll be okay," Gray reassured him, setting down his book and squeezing Natsu's thigh. "He's just going to talk to you, right? Nothing bad's going to happen."  

Natsu sunk lower into his chair, chewing on his lip. He knew Gray was right, but so far, he had never had a good experience with a psychiatrist. Even the one who finally diagnosed him as bipolar hadn't been great – all she had done was pushed medications on him and left him to fend for himself.  

"Can you...come in with me?" Natsu asked softly. "I changed my mind." Gray gave him a soft smile and nodded.  

"Of course." He leaned over and pressed a kiss to Natsu's cheek, and Natsu felt himself relax incrementally. "Whatever you need."  

Several moments later, they were summoned into an office by a cheerful looking dark-skinned man who gestured for them to take a seat across from his desk.  

"Good afternoon," he said, closing the door and settling into his own chair. A file folder lay open on the desk in front of him, and he tapped it with his middle finger. "My name is Doctor Dvivedi, which I know is a mouthful, so just call me Ahmit." He smiled widely. "Which one of you two is Natsu?"  

Natsu raised his hand slightly, shuffling in his seat and avoiding eye contact.  

"Wonderful, it's good to meet you." Ahmit turned his gaze to Gray. "Can you introduce me to your...?"  

"Boyfriend," Natsu mumbled. "His name is Gray." Gray reached out and shook the doctor's hand. Natsu figured he should probably do the same thing, but instead he picked at the cuticle around his thumbnail.  

"Now, I have your file from your old psychiatrist, as well as a few notes from the hospital," Ahmit began, gesturing to the papers on his desk. "They don't always get everything right, though. Would you be able to tell me a little bit about what happened two weeks ago?"  

Natsu chewed on his lip, then sighed and finally made eye contact with the doctor. His face was open and friendly, but Natsu still felt his leg begin to tap the ground restlessly.  

"I, um...I stopped taking my meds 'cause my foster dad wouldn't pay for them," he began hesitantly. "And I knew I was going kinda manic cause I wasn't sleeping or eating, but I didn't ask for help and then everything was all fucked up, and my foster dad...hurt me really badly. And everything just felt like it was hopeless and awful and I wanted to make it stop so I decided t-to...k-kill myself. I thought it would be easier if I was just dead." He felt Gray reach his hand over and twine their fingers together, squeezing gently. "And I felt so relieved when I finally decided to do it but Gray found me and I still feel so bad about that, and he saved my life and now I don’t w-want to d-die."  

He took a deep breath, tracing his thumbnail with his index finger and staring at the bookshelf behind the doctor. The books weren't shelved in any sort of order, and the urge to go move them around was almost overwhelming.  

"I've been better lately, I don't feel like...that." Natsu swallowed. A plant on the shelf was also off-centered. Natsu wondered if the doctor realized how distracting his bookshelf was. "I mean, I've still...there's..." He glanced over toward Gray, who squeezed his hand again.  

"It's okay," Gray murmured softly. "I'm not going to be mad. And I can leave if you're more comfortable talking about this without me." Natsu shook his head.  

"I still sometimes think about hurting myself. Like when my...when my brain gets overwhelmed and I don't feel like I can control it. But I haven't done it. And I'm so much happier, and I feel safe and not scared all the time."  

Ahmit was scribbling down notes as Natsu talked, and when the pink-haired boy trailed off, he looked up and nodded at him. Natsu's eyes flicked around the office again, finally settling on what looked like a snow globe on the desk.  

"Well, it looks like the psychiatrist at the hospital changed your medication and put you on lithium," he said, glancing over his notes. "As well as another mood stabilizer. Did they explain the benefits and risks to you?" Natsu looked uncertain, but Gray nodded.  

"He was pretty out of it," Gray interjected, rubbing a thumb over Natsu's knuckles. "But we have all the paperwork at home. He has the requisitions for bloodwork every three months as well." The doctor nodded. 

“Are you having any side effects?” Natsu glanced up from the snow globe and frowned. “The most common would be drowsiness, shaky hands, nausea, vomiting…” He shook his head.  

"Excellent," Ahmit said, pulling a sheet of paper out of his desk. "I'm going to give another requisition for bloodwork that I'd like you to do this week. We have to check and make sure the lithium is within the therapeutic range – if there isn't enough of it in your system, it won't work the way it should."  

"Ugh," Natsu groaned, wrinkling up his nose as he accepted the paper from Ahmit. "More needles." The doctor gave him a half-smile.  

"In addition, I'd like you to fill out a mood evaluation." Ahmit handed him a clipboard and pen. "I'm going to have you come every two weeks for the first while so we can monitor how you're feeling. If I think your medications are helping and you're feeling stable, we can cut that down to once a month. Do you have a counsellor right now? Or any interest in group therapy?"  

Natsu let Gray describe the program at the youth center while he stared uncomfortably at the clipboard in front of him, bringing the pen to his mouth and biting on the lid.  

 _In the past two weeks, how often have you been bothered by the following problems?_  

 _Thoughts that you would be better off dead, or of hurting yourself_    
_Not at all     Several days     More than half the days     Nearly every day_  

He pulled his legs up underneath himself, then shuffled until he was slightly more comfortable. Two weeks? The last two weeks had been vastly different from the two before that. He circled "several days", then moved on to the next question. Once he had filled out the rest of the questions as be he could, he shrugged and handed the clipboard back to Ahmit, who took it and glanced over the answers.  

"It definitely seems like you've been feeling a lot better since you left the hospital," Ahmit said. "But you're still scoring in the mild to moderate range for depression." Natsu shifted in the chair again, dropping one leg back to the ground and pulling his hoodie sleeves over his hands. He had bought one with pre-cut thumbholes at Gray's suggestion.  

"What can we do to help with that?" Gray asked. Ahmit leaned back in his chair and tapped at the papers in front of him.  

"I'm going to refer you to a therapist that specializes in bipolar disorder and anxiety," he replied, rubbing his chin. "I also want you to do that bloodwork as soon as possible, and if you need to adjust the dosage of your medication I can call to let you know. Otherwise, I want you to make a follow-up appointment for two weeks from now."  

Natsu sighed, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck and accepting the referral letter from Ahmit. It seemed like he was never going to be finished talking about his feelings.  

"Thanks," he said quietly. Ahmit gave him a sympathetic look.  

"Another thing I wanted to mention is our crisis line." He fished through his drawer and pulled out a business card. "If you're ever feeling suicidal again, or you want to hurt yourself, call this number. They can send a crisis team to your home or advise you to go to the hospital if they feel like you're in immediate danger of hurting yourself." Natsu accepted the card, exhaling softly. "You have many people in your life who want you to be well, Natsu."  

"I know," he murmured, standing up as Ahmit reached over and opened the door. "Thank you."  

 

* * *

 

"My brain is so broken," Natsu complained from the passenger seat, running a hand through his hair. A bag of prescriptions rattled around in his lap, and he poked at it in annoyance. "How many pills do I have to take every day?"  

"It's better than the alternative," Gray argued, rolling up his window and pulling away from the Starbucks drive-through. "And your brain isn't broken. It's just like having diabetes, it's not your fault. I take medication too, remember?"  

"Ugggggh you're being all  _reasonable_ ," Natsu grumbled, squirming down in his seat and sipping at his frappuccino. He felt exhausted. Even though the appointment went well, talking about this stuff always left him feeling...wrung out. Having group and the psychiatrist in the same day just made it worse. "I just wanna wallow right now, okay?"  

"Fair enough," Gray conceded. He glanced at the clock in the car and sighed. "We probably shouldn't do takeout  _again_ , but it's already six and I  _really_ don't wanna cook." He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel, holding his Americano precariously in the other hand. "We could go to Ultear's, she wouldn't mind. Or we could get sushi."  

"Sushi!" Natsu exclaimed, sitting up a bit. After a moment, his expression fell. "Hey...I wanted to talk to you about that." Gray pulled up to a red light, then turned to look at Natsu.  

"About sushi?"  

"About money, dumbass." Natsu sighed. He could feel his ears getting red just thinking about the topic. "I mean, I have the money from the government now, but it's not much, and...I don't wanna freeload. I wanna help with rent and groceries and stuff. I'm thinking about getting a part-time job."  

Gray was quiet as the light turned green and he moved forward.  

"Well, the apartment is actually...I own it." he said. "There was inheritance stuff, and insurance, and court stuff from mom's...death. So there is no rent."  

"Oh." Natsu blinked, then reached over and squeezed Gray's thigh. "I'm sorry. Not about the place, but about...what led to it." Gray smiled wistfully, tilting his head towards Natsu.  

"Thank you." He was quiet for another minute. "Anyway, I only pay for utilities and internet. And Netflix, obviously. It's not much, I really...I don't mind. And the food is no big deal either. It's all...it's fine. Really." Natsu could see the tips of Gray's ears turning pink. "But I mean, having a job is probably a good idea. It would give you some structure. Have you...thought about what you wanna do after group is over?"  

"You mean school?" Natsu sighed, shifting closer to Gray and resting his head on the dark-haired boy's shoulder. They were driving towards the ocean, and the last of the sun's rays were rippling across the water in muted shades of yellow and red. It filled Natsu with a sense of contentment.  

"Mm. If you wanted." Gray yawned again, then took a sip of his coffee. "What did you want to be when you grew up? When you were a kid, I mean?"  

"A firefighter," Natsu replied immediately, grinning at the memory. "I think all kids wanna be firefighters or police officers, though." Gray laughed. "But seriously...Laxus and I were talking about his electrician program, and he said the school has mechanic courses too. That might be fun."  

"Is that at UM Tech?" Gray asked. He maneuvered into their parking spot and turned the car off, then looked over at Natsu.  

"Mmm. It's part time, I think. Laxus said he could get me some information. And then I could work too." Natsu scrubbed his eyes with the back of his hand, feeling the exhaustion settle even deeper into his body now that they were so close to their bed. "Maybe I can learn how to fix this hunk of junk." He slapped a hand on the dashboard and Gray snorted. 

"That sounds like a great idea." Gray motioned for Natsu to exit the car, and they both headed to the building and took the stairs to the apartment. Happy meowed excitedly at them as Gray opened the door. "Tante Ophélie said that I could start the programming course in March, and it's part-time too. It's online though, so technically I wouldn't have to leave the apartment for anything except food."  

"That sounds unhealthy," Natsu teased, toeing off his shoes and beelining for the couch. "Man, can you imagine it? Both of us in school, working jobs...it's like we're gonna be real adults or something." Gray scoffed, flopping down next to him. Natsu immediately curled up with his head in Gray's lap, humming contentedly as the other boy began to play with his hair. Gray pulled out his phone and scrolled to the app to order sushi.  

"The usual?" He asked, and Natsu nodded sleepily. Gray was so warm, and now Happy was curled up against his stomach. He felt the exhaustion tugging at him, and let it pull him into a dreamless sleep.  

 

* * *

 

The rest of the week flew by, and before Natsu knew it, it was Friday evening and Sylvie was barreling through the front door, crashing into Natsu's legs and then flying over to Gray to hug him as well. 

"Uncle Na'su! Uncle Gray! Bye  _maman_!" Ultear laughed, rolling her eyes fondly at her daughter.  

" __," she said, then repeated herself in English for Natsu's benefit. "I hope she behaves herself. She's been a bit of a demon child lately." Natsu took in the tired look on Ultear's face and felt a pang of sympathy for her. He couldn't imagine looking after three kids every day.

"Don't worry, between the two of us I'm sure we can handle her." Natsu squatted down next to Sylvie, letting her show him the toys in her backpack. "Enjoy your date!" Gray had explained that one of Ultear's friends watched the other two children every second Friday, while Gray took Sylvie. He'd had Renaud and Félix over before, but wasn't equipped to look after more than one kid at a time.  

"Believe me, we will," Ultear said, grabbing Sylvie by the back of her hoodie and giving her a kiss. " _._ " Sylvie grinned at her innocently, then planted a kiss on her mother's cheek and ran down the hallway to her "room" - a fold-up bed set up in the office. "Alright, we'll see you tomorrow for brunch?" Gray nodded, hugging his sister and then pushing her gently out the door.  

"Go. Have fun." He shut the door behind her, then turned back to Natsu and pulled him in for a quick kiss. Natsu exhaled softly, amazed how his stomach still twisted pleasantly each time it happened. Gray leaned their heads together and sighed, then inclined his head toward the kitchen.  

“Should I go start the pizza?” 

" _!_ " Sylvie came running out of her room, clutching a stack of books in her chubby arms. Natsu couldn't help but laugh at the sight – her hair was pulled up in uneven pigtails, and she wore an oversized Dragonball Z hoodie over a pair of pink sparkly tights. She held up the books to Natsu, who took the stack and scanned the covers.  

"Sure, let's go read while Uncle Gray makes supper." Sylvie grabbed his hand and dragged him into the living room. She crawled up onto the couch, giggling as Happy leapt down and slunk off to hide in the bedroom. "Which one first?"  

"Princess!" She exclaimed gleefully, pointing at "The Paper Bag Princess" and crawling into his lap. Natsu felt something inside of him soften at the sweetness of the gesture, and he leaned down to press a kiss to the top of her head.  

"Alright, but remember that Uncle Natsu's stories aren't always the same as the book." Sylvie adored reading but Natsu struggled with it (and most of her books were in French anyways), so they compromised and he made up stories while she looked at the pictures.  

"Yes!" She rested her head against his chest, playing absently with his hoodie strings while he wove a tale of brave princesses and terrible dragons.  

 

* * *

 

After pizza, popcorn, chocolate-chip-cookie-dough ice cream, sixteen books, one lightsaber battle, "A New Hope"  _and_ half of "Empire Strikes Back", an application of sparkly blue nail polish – for all three of them – and a lullaby (which was just Gray singing "I'll Make a Man Out of You"), Sylvie was finally snoring softly on the cot in the office.  

"Oh my  _god_  kids are so much work," Natsu groaned, flopping face-first onto their mattress. "I mean she's cute as hell, but I can't imagine doing that every day." He rolled over as Gray collapsed next to him. "Do you..." He hesitated for a second. He wasn't sure if this was something you were supposed to ask a guy you'd only been dating for two weeks, but...he was curious. And it seemed like a good thing to get out of the way in the beginning of a relationship so it didn't cause problems down the line. "Have you ever...wanted kids? Of your own?"  

"No," Gray said simply, rolling over to face Natsu. There wasn't any weight behind the words – just honesty. "And it's not because of trauma or loss or any of that. I've just never been interested in being a parent. It's a lot of work and commitment and money, and I'd rather...do things. Travel. Buy a motorcycle. Get more tattoos." He shrugged. "Plus, if I feel like I'm missing out I can always babysit."  

Natsu nodded, realizing that he wasn't surprised by the answer. He had never wanted children either and had always been told to  _give it time, you'll change your mind someday_. He realized after a second that Gray had asked him the same question, and he shook his head.  

"Sorry, zoned out." He pulled his legs up into a more comfortable position. "No, I don't want kids either. My brain problems are genetic, so there's that, and...I dunno. I feel like there's this expectation that I  _should_ want kids because  _I_ never got adopted, but...I just don't. And yeah, I could always babysit Kaden." He smiled as Gray leaned over and kissed him. "Wait a minute, did you say buy a motorcycle?"  

"...yes?" Gray looked shy, suddenly. "I've always wanted one, I just never had the money. Maybe in a couple years.” He rolled over and scooted up until his head was resting on the pillow, tugging Natsu up to join him. Once they were facing each other, he threw one of his legs over Natsu’s and wrapped a hand around the back of his neck, running his fingers through the pink hair.  

“I knew I was dating a badass,” Natsu teased, pulling Gray’s other hand to his mouth and kissing his knuckles. “Ever since you punched Gajeel to defend my honor.”  

“Oh my  _god_ I was not defending your honor,” Gray snorted, but he leaned in anyway and replaced his hand with his lips, kissing Natsu more firmly this time. Natsu sighed into the kiss, making a soft sound of surprise as Gray moved closer to him and then shifted until he was straddling Natsu's thighs. 

"Did you lock the door?" Natsu murmured, reaching up and grasping Gray's hips, running his thumbs along the soft skin that dipped down beneath his jeans. Gray moaned softly into his mouth, pressing their foreheads together.  

"Mhmm," he replied, running a hand down Natsu's jaw and nipping at his bottom lip. "But you have to promise to be quiet." Natsu breathed out a puff of laughter – Gray had given him hell several times for bothering the neighbors, but Natsu knew he secretly liked it, and Gray could be just as loud as he was. He brought a hand up to Gray's head and tugged it down a bit so that he could run his teeth over the dark-haired boy's jaw. The soft noise that Gray made was exhilarating, and he grinned. He doubted he could ever get tired of this.  

"I'll do my best," he whispered, and then let himself go to the feeling of Gray's lips on his.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **French Translations**  
>  J'espère qu'elle sera sage = I hope she's good/well-behaved  
> Soit sage pour Uncle Gray et Uncle Natsu, tresor = Be good for Uncle Gray and Uncle Natsu, sweetheart (tresor=treasure)  
> Lire un livre! = Read a book!
> 
> Also I haaaaaaaaaaaate the "you'll change your mind about kids" bit because a) not your fucking business, and b) if they do then cool but if they don't then also cool and we're back to it's none of your fucking business. I also don't love tropes of children who experience neglect/abuse/etc growing up and suddenly wanting to become parents to somehow, I dunno, reverse the damage done to them? Like, if you want to have kids then go for it (I mean I did), but I think it's also valid to say, "I hated my childhood and now do not want to parent children".


	27. we are unbreakable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Freed helps Gray read the letters from Lyon, and Gray tries to sort out his feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning, I cried while writing probably 90% of this? There's no trigger warnings in particular, it just gets really emotional. Poor Gray is not great at dealing with his issues.

_Shipwrecked by a sea so stormy_    
_I'm lost but I'm never lonely_    
_I can see it now, that you are my way out_    
_I was drifting on the ocean tide_    
_Out of hope when I saw your light_    
_You can bring me back_    
_And I'm starting to feel again_    
\- Hedley, "We Are Unbreakable"

Gray was woken up by tiny feet kicking his thighs. He yawned, blinking down at Sylvie, who had managed to worm her way in between him and Natsu at some point during the night. He must have left the door unlocked when he got up to grab water at three in the morning. 

" _,"_ he said sleepily, wrapping an arm around her as she nuzzled her face into his chest. The purple streaks in her hair were rubbing off onto his shirt, but he didn't mind. " __?" She nodded, then squirmed out from under his arm and sat up, bouncing on the bed.

" _?_ " She asked eagerly. Gray laughed, realizing now that she was already wearing her swimming shorts and shirt. "Uncle Na'su?" They both looked over at the snoring lump that was Natsu – he was lying on his back with a hand thrown over his face, and Happy was curled up on his chest. 

" _,_ " Gray replied, watching with a smile as Sylvie leaned over to Natsu and whispered in his ear. 

"Come swimming!" He grumbled a bit, lifting his arm off his face and blinking at her blearily. "Wake up, up, up!" She punctuated each _up_ with a push of both hands on his chest, and he sighed theatrically, then rolled over on top of her. "Ahh! Off, you heavy!" She squealed. 

"What's that?" Natsu asked innocently, looking up at Gray and grinning. "This bed isn't very comfortable." Gray snorted, trying not to be enchanted by his boyfriend's bed hair and sweatpants and the patch of skin that was showing where his shirt rucked up. 

"Not a bed!" Sylvie shouted, giggling uncontrollably. "Off!" 

"Hmm, my bed appears to be talking," Natsu continued, rolling over once more and pinning Sylvie under his legs. "Aha! This isn't a bed at all! It's a Jedi!" He grabbed her under the armpits and began tickling her while she laughed and squirmed. 

"Stop!" She squealed, and he let go of her immediately. She sat down in his lap and gave him a condescending look. "Not Jedi. Pirate!" She pointed at the skull and crossbones on her swim shirt, and Natsu glanced up at Gray, eyebrow raised. 

"She picked it out, not me," he grumbled, remembering the trip to buy her a bathing suit to keep at the apartment. Sylvie had immediately beelined for the boy's section, but by the time they left there were some hair bows and a couple of sparkly pink sweaters in the cart as well. Gray had realized early on that he would probably never be able to say _no_ to his niece.

"Pool! _Piscine_!" Sylvie shouted, leaping from the bed and racing out into the living room. Natsu groaned and flopped back down onto the bed. 

"What time is it?" He grumbled. 

"You don't wanna know," Gray replied, slipping his pajamas and boxers down and pulling up his swim trunks. His hand hesitated over the shirt he normally wore in the pool to hide his scars. He must have been standing there for longer than he thought, because suddenly a pair of warm arms were around his waist, and Natsu's chest was pressed into his back. Natsu didn't say anything, just pressed a soft kiss to the back of Gray's neck and then reached into the drawer, snagging Gray's second pair of swim trunks for himself. 

"I need you to know that I have no idea how to swim," he said, changing quickly and zipping up a hoodie over his bare chest. How did that manage to look so...hot? "So it's your job to keep me from drowning." 

"You...how can you not..." Gray trailed off, realizing that Natsu's various foster homes probably hadn't paid to send their kids to swimming lessons like his parents had. "Sorry, that was rude." Natsu shrugged, moving closer and trailing his fingers down Gray's arm to his hand, which was still resting on the t-shirt. 

"You don't have to be one hundred percent okay," he said softly, pressing one more kiss to Gray's shoulder and then heading out of the room to find Sylvie. 

* * *

 

Gray ended up wearing the shirt. He had stood at the drawer for a lot longer than was probably necessary, trying to work through the tangled mess in his mind. Natsu already knew – he had seen the scars, kissed them, worshipped them along with the rest of Gray's body. Sylvie had seen them, too – she had been there when he woke up in the hospital, had asked him millions of questions about the new marks on his body that had somehow not been hurtful or upsetting. 

But there was just...what if someone else came in? As far as Gray knew, he was the only person in the apartment block who ever used the pool, but...what if? And even just the thought of being somewhere – anywhere – without the scars covered up was terrifying. He was already stressed about reading the letters from Lyon later today, and he decided he didn't want to upset himself any more than necessary. 

They spent almost two hours in the pool. Sylvie spent eighty percent of the time jumping from the edge into the water, and the other twenty percent riding on Gray's back while he swam. Natsu was hesitant about going any deeper than his waist at first, but once he realized that he could just stay close to the edge, he joined them in the deeper water. 

"Wha' 'sat?" Sylvie asked at one point, pointing at Natsu's bare forearm. Ever since the New Year's party, Natsu had been less shy about rolling up his sleeves or wearing short-sleeved shirts in public, so Gray wasn't surprised that he hadn't worn a shirt in the pool. He winced at his niece's question, though, but Natsu just looked thoughtful. 

"You know how pirates sometimes have eye patches, or hook hands from the big battles they fight?" He asked eventually, reaching out and letting Sylvie float while clinging to his arms. She nodded, uncharacteristically quiet. "They're kinda like that. I had some big battles, but they were in my head instead of in real life. So these are my scars from those battles." 

Gray felt his throat tighten and a warm pressure behind his eyes at the gentle explanation, and he reached over to grab his boyfriend's hand. Natsu's eyes widened as Sylvie leaned her head down and pressed a kiss to the most recent scar. 

"All better?" She asked, eyes serious. Natsu's face softened and his eyes were glistening as he smiled at her. 

"All better," he whispered. 

* * *

 

Brunch at Ultear and Xavier's house flew by in a hurricane of pancakes, bacon, and maple syrup in every single child's hair. Gray appreciated the soft weight of Natsu's hand on his thigh as they ate, but he couldn't keep anything down. His stomach twisted and churned, and he ended up just drinking coffee instead, tapping his fingers nervously on the table. 

After breakfast was over, Natsu chased the kids off into the living room, where Gray could hear him telling stories. He smiled fondly, rubbing his eyes, then looked up at Ultear, who had come to sit next to him. 

_","_ he blurted out, avoiding eye contact by examining the pattern on his mug. It was one of mom's – white with a blue sailboat. She had bought it when they took a family trip to Lunenburg to see the replica of the Bluenose schooner. Gray had been eleven, and after sailing for a day he had decided that he wanted to spend the rest of his life on the ocean.

" __?" Ultear's voice cut through his memories and he sighed, setting down his coffee and running both hands through his hair.

"No," he admitted, continuing in French. "But I have to know. I need to know...why." Ultear nodded sadly, then reached over and grasped one of his hands. Gray pressed his tongue against his teeth. "Has he ever...written to you?" Ultear shook her head. 

"No, he has only ever sent letters for you." She squeezed his hand. "Please be careful. You might not find what you want." 

"I don’t even know what I want," Gray muttered, dropping his head to the table. "Can I...is it okay if I just have a quick nap before we go? Even just half an hour?" Exhaustion was dragging him down, but he was pretty sure it wasn't from their early morning swim. 

"Of course, Gray," Ultear replied, standing up and tugging on his hand. He let her take his arm and help him to his feet, then buried his face in her shoulder when she wrapped him up in a hug. 

"I miss the three of us," Gray said suddenly, the words muffled by Ultear's sweater. "I miss...our snowball fights. And how he...Lyon and I would build that ice ramp for sledding and every single year one of us would get hurt." Ultear laughed, running her fingers through Gray's hair. "Remember how we would ride our bikes to the library and then race home to see who got the comfortable chair?" 

"Lyon always won," Ultear said quietly, and Gray could hear the faint smile in her voice. "And you and I would share the porch swing instead." Gray hummed in acknowledgement, and Ultear was quiet for a moment. Then, in an even softer voice, she whispered, "I miss mom". 

Gray stiffened for a moment but Ultear refused to let him leave her embrace, continuing to comb his hair with her fingers. 

"It wasn't your fault," she murmured, and Gray felt the fabric of her sweater bunch between his fingers. "I know you miss her too. I remember the first year you lived with us, you didn't talk, so mom would draw pictures for you and put them under your bedroom door." 

"I had them all hung on my walls," Gray murmured, sniffling at the memory. "I kept every single one. I still have them."  

"She loved you so, _so_ much." Ultear squeezed Gray tighter, pressing a kiss to his temple. "I miss her, and I miss Lyon, and I miss all three of us too. But I am still very, very angry at him, and I may not ever be able to forgive him for what he did to you." 

Gray sighed, pulling back from Ultear and rubbing his eyes. There was a faint buzz in the back of his mind that was starting to feel overwhelming, so he didn't argue when Ultear directed him towards the guest room, telling him that she would explain everything to Natsu. As soon as he reached the bed he collapsed, and he fell asleep before his head hit the pillow.

* * *

 

“Don’t push yourself,” Ultear said softly, kissing Gray’s forehead as he took the stack of letters from her hands. He shook his head slowly, not answering, and Ultear gazed over his shoulder at Natsu. “Make sure he takes care of himself.” 

“Always,” Natsu said quietly, coming up beside Gray and nudging him with his shoulder. Sylvie came barreling down the hallway to say goodbye, holding a Lego creation in her hand. 

“Uncle Na’su! Dragon!” She held it up and he crouched down next to her, taking it and running his fingers over it appreciatively. Gray smiled softly at them, feeling affection pushing back the anxiety in his mind.

“It’s an awesome dragon,” Natsu said, sweeping the young girl up in a hug and squeezing her until she squealed at him to let her go, giggling all the while. She flopped down on the floor, peering up at Gray and frowning.  

“Uncle Gray sad?” He sighed, kneeling down and reaching out to Sylvie. He hoped she'd never share this feeling of grief and anticipation and terror. She launched herself forward and buried her face in his shoulder, then leaned back and pressed her hands to either side of his face, looking at him with a frown. _“.” _

_","_ Gray replied, placing his hand over one of hers and then switching to English for Natsu's sake. “But sometimes it’s okay to be sad. I’ll be fine. Uncle Natsu’s gonna take care of me, okay?” Natsu reached over and ruffled Gray’s hair, to Sylvie’s delight. “I’ll see you in five sleeps.” Gray leaned forward and kissed the little girl's nose, then let Natsu help him up. His shoulder was aching today, and he knew Natsu had seen him pocket the painkillers before they left.  

"Gray...just, please..." Ultear's hands were clasped in front of her chest, and Gray smiled thinly at her, trying to be reassuring. He could feel his hands shaking already, and was glad when Natsu grasped his elbow firmly. 

_","_ he insisted, tucking the letters into the inside pocket of his jacket. _"."_

The walk down to the car was silent, as was most of their drive. Natsu rested his hand lightly on Gray's thigh, drawing comforting patterns over his jeans while he flipped through music on his phone. Gray noticed that the songs he chose were soft and mellow, and they helped calm the anxious finger-tapping he was doing on the steering wheel.   

When they arrived at Freed's place, Gray sat in the driver's seat for a long time, staring out the window and chewing on his lip. Was he ready for this? Should he just burn them? Did he really need to know what Lyon wanted to say? Could he ever forgive him? What if he never forgave him and he carried around this anger and anxiety for the rest of h-

"It doesn't have to be today." Natsu's soft voice cut through the spiral of anxiety in his mind, and he exhaled sharply, turning to look at his boyfriend. His chest clenched at the sight of those soft brown eyes, the dusting of freckles across his nose, the way he was gazing at Gray with a mixture of concern and adoration. 

"I know," Gray replied finally, releasing his grip on the steering wheel and tugging the keys from the ignition. "But I'm ready. I think." As he moved around to Natsu's side of the car, the pink-haired boy pulled him into a tight hug, pressing a quick kiss to his cheek. 

"I'll be whatever you need." 

Gray was surprised to see that Freed's place wasn't an apartment at all, but half of a duplex. Bix answered the door in a pair of sweatpants and an AC/DC hoodie, a curious-looking golden retriever peering out from behind him. 

"Hey Bix, it's Gray and Natsu, how's it going?" Natsu lightly grasped Bix's forearm, and the blue-haired boy returned the gesture, smiling. 

"Good! Freed's baking cookies, come on in!" Natsu immediately kicked off his shoes and darted down the hall towards the kitchen. Gray shrugged off his jacket and hung it in the closet, looking curiously at the dog. She was sitting as close as she possibly could to him, staring up at him with her tongue lolling out the side of her mouth. He'd never been around a service dog before. 

"Bix, can I, uh...your dog is giving me a look." Bix laughed, reaching into his pocket and tossing a couple of treats over to Gray. 

"You can pet her, she's off duty. She's just a mooch – aren't you, Baby?" The dog's fluffy tail pounded eagerly on the floor, and she devoured the treats from Gray's hand, sniffing him eagerly for more. "If she's not wearing her vest or harness then she's fine to pet," Bix explained. Baby darted off down the hallway after Natsu, and Gray could hear him cooing at her from in the kitchen. 

"Thanks for letting us come over," Gray said quietly, fiddling with the stack of envelopes in his hand.

"No problem," Bix replied, gesturing for Gray to follow him into the kitchen. Natsu was – predictably – on the floor with Baby, scratching behind her ears while she gazed at him adoringly. Freed waved at Gray, pulling a tray of what looked like oatmeal raisin cookies from the oven and setting them on a wire rack. 

"Cookies are in the usual spot, Bix, but they just came out, please don't burn your tongue again." Freed chastised. "Would the two of you like to stay for dinner tonight?"

Natsu glanced up at Gray, giving him a look that clearly said, _whatever you need._ Gray looked down at his shaky hands and hesitated. 

"Can I see how I feel?" He asked finally. "After..." He glanced down at the envelopes, then held them out to Freed, who took them with a sad expression on their face. "I have some letters," Gray said to Bix quickly. "From my...brother. Freed said they would..." 

"You don't need to explain." Bix smiled widely, reaching out and finding a cookie, then wincing at the heat on his fingers. "If you want me to clear out, I've got about a hundred pages of reading to do, and Freed would probably be thrilled if I took care of the pile of laundry upstairs." Freed made a soft _hmmph_ noise, but didn't disagree. 

"It's...I don't th..." Bix ran his hand along the counter, felt for Gray's, and ran it up to his shoulder, squeezing gently. 

"I'll be upstairs." He grinned at the group, then moved into the kitchen and grabbed a plate, piling several cookies onto it. 

"Thank you," Gray said softly. His chest ached and his stomach was a tangle of roiling knots. 

"Anytime, my friend," Bix replied, clicking his tongue until Baby jumped up from Natsu's lap and followed the blue-haired boy up the stairs. 

"Should we move into the living room?" Freed suggested gently as Natsu got to his feet and moved over to Gray, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. Gray nodded. Natsu grabbed a couple of cookies, then guided Gray over to the couch where he slumped down next to his boyfriend. Gray felt a familiar numbness spreading through his body, interrupted only by dull throbs of pain from his shoulder. 

"Gray, are you sure you want me to-" 

"Yes." The tips of his fingers were cold, and he found himself pressing into Natsu, taking solace from the way the shorter boy's hand curled around his shoulder. "Please. I can't do it myself. I...I need to know." Freed nodded, moving until they were sitting cross legged and brushing their hair over one shoulder. They picked up the first envelope, then looked cautiously at Gray before sliding their finger under the seal. 

Gray felt his heart pounding in his chest, tightening his lungs and making it harder to breathe. Natsu ran a soothing hand up and down his back, and he tried to focus on the motion. 

_"Gray,"_ Freed read after a moment, their voice uncertain. _"J'ai commencé et recommencé cette lettre plusieurs fois, et pourtant je ne sais pas encore quoi écrire. Sais que je t'aime, je suis désolé, et que tu n'étais pas responsable pour la mort de notre mère."_

A sob broke out of Gray's throat and he brought a hand to his chest, trying to press away the tightness that was spreading there. Natsu made a soothing noise and grabbed one of his hands, rubbing his thumb over the back in circles. 

"C-can...you t-translate it?" Gray asked, wanting Natsu to understand. 

"Of course," Freed said softly, starting over again in English. Their voice was soft and melodic, and it seemed to round out the harsh edges of Gray's memories. 

 

_Gray,_

_I have written and re-written this letter over and over again, and I still can't find a way to start it. I want you to know that I love you, I'm sorry, and mom's death wasn't your fault. I don't deserve forgiveness, and I don't expect it from you. I don't know if these words mean anything from me, or if you'll just tear them to pieces. I know that what I did was unforgivable. I've done a lot of terrible things over the past five years, but hurting you was the most deplorable thing I have ever done in my life. Writing it hurts. I can't imagine how much it hurt you._

_I know there is nothing I can do to repair things. I'm going to be in here for a long time, and that is entirely my own doing. It's probably for the best. I'm clean now, for what it's worth. It makes the past clearer, though, and I can't overlook the terrible things I've done._

_I'm sorry._   
_I love you._   
_It wasn't your fault._

_Love,_   
_Lyon_

 

"Fuck," Gray whispered under his breath, watching Freed slowly set down the letter on the couch. He could feel his breath coming quicker, and his face was wet, and his hands were tingling, and there was a choked sound coming from the back of his throat...

"Gray, c'mere," Natsu whispered, tugging him backwards until his face was buried in Natsu's chest. He felt another sob escape his body, and his hands came up to grasp Natsu's shirt. "I'm here, I've got you." One of Natsu's arms wrapped around his back while the other came up to run through his hair. He rocked Gray gently back and forth, humming softly. 

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," Gray whispered letting the word build in his chest until he screamed it. "FUCK!" He pushed his forehead against Natsu's chest, sobbing. "It _hurts_ ," he whimpered, not knowing exactly what was referring to. "I don't want it, don't w-want it, don't want h-his apology, he c-can't be sorry, doesn't deserve it, I c-can't, I can't, I c-can't forgive him..." 

"Gray, you don't have to forgive him," Natsu whispered. He was pressing soft kisses to Gray's temples now, and had shifted so that Gray was curled up between his legs. 

"B-but, I feel...I'm j-just..." Gray took a shuddering breath, trying to sort out his emotions. "I'm s-so a-angry." That wasn't what he wanted to say, but whatever really felt was buried deep beneath the surface and he couldn't dig it out. 

"You're allowed to be angry," Natsu replied, steady and present. "You can feel whatever you need to feel." Gray hiccupped again, and a wounded, desperate sound escaped his throat. All the hard walls he'd built around himself were so chipped and damaged. Natsu had kicked them down, and then all of these people had taken pieces, and pieces, and he'd let himself be loved by them, and now...

"He still _loves_ me," he choked, wiping his face with his sleeve. "He l-loves me and I'm his _b-brother so why did he HURT me?"_ It felt like he was drowning, taking deep, gasping breaths to keep air in his lungs. 

"I don't know, snowflake," Natsu said softly, pulling him tighter and wrapping both arms around his shoulders. Gray was vaguely aware that Natsu was crying too, running his hands from Gray's hair down to the base of his spine and back up again. "I wish I had the answers." 

"I d-don't w-want him to...love me..." Gray sobbed, choking on each breath. "I h-hate him." Natsu's fingers curled into the hair at the base of his neck as he pressed their wet cheeks together. 

"I know," he whispered, kissing Gray timidly. "I'm sorry. I wish I could make this easier for you." Gray returned the kiss, then dropped his forehead back to Natsu's chest and let his shoulders shake with sobs.

" _Tabarnak,"_ he swore, squeezing his eyes shut. " _._ " He exhaled wetly through the tears. _"._ " 

__

"Oh, Gray," Natsu murmured. "I'm so sorry, snowflake. I'm sorry. I'm here." Natsu's gentle hands pressed into his back, as if he was trying to pull Gray into himself to protect him from everything terrible. "I love you."

__

Gray felt a sudden wave of relief wash through him, a tiny island of serenity and acceptance in this nightmare of tangled emotions. Natsu loved him. He loved him and hadn't hurt him, wouldn't hurt him, couldn't hurt him. It somehow made Lyon's words sting just a little bit less. 

__

Gray wasn't sure how long they sat together, him curled up in Natsu's lap, Natsu's arms wrapped around him and gently caressing his back. Eventually the tears abated and he sat up a bit, dragging the sleeve of his sweater over his eyes. 

__

"Hey, you," Natsu said softly, running a hand down the side of Gray's face. "Freed left after they read the letter – they're making you some tea." Gray swallowed, glancing over to the other end of the couch and seeing the stack of the other letters piled neatly on the coffee table. He pressed himself closer to Natsu and shivered. "D'you wanna go home?" 

__

"No," Gray said quietly, surprised by his own words. "That was...I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't that. And it's a lot to think about, and maybe being distracted is a good idea right now?" Natsu nodded, kissing his temple and relaxing back into the couch. 

__

"Is there anything I can do?" He asked. Gray huffed out a laugh, squirming into a cross-legged position. 

__

"You already do so much," he replied, resting his hand on Natsu's ankle and squeezing. "And...you know I..." He felt like he needed to respond to Natsu's earlier words, but he felt like a simple _I love you, too_ was just...cheap. 

__

"Don't," Natsu said gently, resting his head on Gray's shoulder. "When you're ready." He tipped his head up and kissed Gray's cheek, then nudged for him to look over at Freed, who had just come back into the living room. 

__

"I brought out a few different types of tea, I wasn't sure what you like," they said, setting a tray down on the coffee table and then perching on the couch next to Gray. "I'm sorry. I don't know what happened with your brother, but this seems like an enormous step for you."

__

"He...shot me," Gray said quietly, tightening his grip on Natsu's ankle. He had done this once. He could do it again. This is what he had to do – pick at this wound, excise it over and over and over until it was nothing more than a thin silver scar. "Can I...tell you what happened?" 

__

"Of course," Freed replied, tugging their cardigan off and throwing it over the back of the couch, then settling down next to Natsu. Gray took a deep breath, fighting the dizziness that was pushing against the inside of his skull. 

__

"Lyon blamed me for our mom's death," he started, and the words tumbled out of him, awkward and stuttered. But it was easier than the first time. Maybe next time would be even easier, and the time after that, and eventually he might even be able to say Lyon's name without flinching. Was this what recovery felt like? He hoped so. Because here, curled up on Freed's couch, tucked in between two people he cared for, Gray felt like one day, he might actually be better.  

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **French Translations**  
>  Allo, coco = hello, sweetheart  
> Tu as bien dormi? = Did you sleep well?  
> Piscine = pool  
> Tu peux lui demander = you can ask him  
> Je vais les lire = I'm going to read them  
> Es-tu certain? = Are you sure?  
> Moi aime quand toi content = Me like when you happy  
> Moi aussi, j'aime être content, tresor = I like to be happy too, sweetie  
> Tout ira bien = It'll be fine  
> Je t'appelerai = I'll call you  
> Enculé de fils de pute. Il peut aller se faire foutre. = Motherfucking son of a bitch. He can go fuck himself.  
> Je le déteste, mais il me manque. = I hate him, but I miss him.


	28. keep me crazy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natsu and Gray hang out with the modern day Raijinshuu. Gray needs Natsu to help him forget.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff and smut (bit smuttier than previous chapters but still pretty tame)! I'm actually considering writing a Fraxus spinoff because I love these characters. <3
> 
> Also, Uno is a horribly competitive game with my friends so this may have been inspired by that :P

_D_ _arling, lately_    
_I_ _'ve been walking blind in the dark_ _,_ _never see the sun_    
_You could save me_    
_Give a little heat to the heart that was born to run_    
\- Sheppard, "Keep Me Crazy"

“Bickslow Kristof Ketzler, if you put down one more goddamn plus four card, I swear to god I will end you.” Bix tipped his head back and laughed, then reached out to the centre of the coffee table and dropped his card on the pile. “Oh, fuck you,” Ever grumbled, picking up her cards and adding them to her ever-growing hand. 

“Uno is harsh,” Natsu commented. “Middle-naming is serious business.” Play passed to Freed, who stared at their cards intently, playfully pushing Laxus away when he tried to peek at them. 

“Right, so we need to learn your middle names so we can shame you in the same manner,” Ever said, grinning as she took a sip of her drink. She had come home from work shortly after Gray had finished talking with Freed, and Laxus had shown up not long after. Freed and Bix had made them all supper, and now they were relaxing in the living room together. Or rather, most of them were relaxing. Ever seemed like she might kill Bix at any moment, judging by the number of cards in her hand.  

“I don’t have a middle name,” Natsu replied, leaning back against Gray. He was sitting on the floor between his boyfriend’s legs since they didn’t have enough chairs. Ever looked over curiously at him and he shrugged. “Sorry, this is kind of a downer – my mom was high when I was born and they only reason CPS knew to put ‘Natsu’ on the birth certificate is cause my dad was kinda with it and wrote it down.”  

“That’s fucked up,” Bix commented, and Baby thumped her tail on the floor, seemingly in agreement. She was half under Bix’s chair, half leaning on Natsu. “I’m sorry, my friend.” Natsu made a noncommittal sound, feeling a strange twisting in the pit of his stomach. Gray was the only person he'd ever told about his mom and the drugs.  

“It’s not a big deal,” he said, leaning into the hand that had appeared in his hair. Gray’s fingers combed through the tangles and he sighed happily. It was reassuring to know that Gray could read him well enough to know when he needed that kind of gentle comfort. “Just meant my foster parents could never middle-name shame me when I got in trouble. Which was...often.” 

“Looks like we’ll have to get creative,” Freed said, dropping their card on the table. “Blue pick up two.” Laxus groaned and bumped his ankle against Freed's, hooking his foot around his partner's leg and giving him an exasperatedly fond look. “Laxus Oleskij, it’s your turn.”  

“Mhmm.” Laxus looked unashamed of his middle name as he grabbed two more cards from the pile. “And you, ‘just Freed’, are a cheater.” 

“I got rid of my middle names when I came out,” Freed explained as Gray shuffled through his cards. Natsu must have given Freed a curious look, and they smiled at him. "I changed my name, it was too...obviously gendered. So were my middle names." They fiddled with their cards absently. "My parents are..."  

"Assholes?" Laxus supplied gruffly, looking protective. Freed reached over and rested a hand on his knee.  

"That, yes," they admitted. Natsu gazed at Freed for a moment, taking in their long, intricately braided hair, their delicate facial features, their flat chest and broad shoulders, their black leggings and off-the-shoulder top. It had never occurred to him to try to guess their "assigned" gender. "I like to think that their religion guided them in directions that make acceptance impossible."  

"You give them too much credit," Laxus said, resting his hand over Freed's. His usually impassive face looked dark and fierce.  

"They're my parents, love." Freed smiled and leaned over, resting their forehead against Laxus'. "Even if we don't speak anymore." Then they turned and nodded for Gray to take his turn.  

“Plus four, darling,” Gray said with mock sweetness, leaning over and kissing Natsu’s cheek as he dropped his card into the pile. “And the new color is red.” Natsu felt a blush creep into his cheeks at Gray's use of the word _darling_.  

“You _fucker_ ,” he grumbled, drawing new cards from the pile as Gray laughed. “Alright then, what’s your middle name? Anything embarrassing?” He felt Gray tense behind him, and he glanced up, frowning. “What’s wrong?”  

“I’d…rather not,” Gray admitted quietly, looking just to the left of Natsu’s gaze. “You’ll just have to...be creative.” He glanced up at the group and attempted to look unconcerned, but Natsu could see that pain and unhappiness were hidden under the fake smile.  

“Of course,” Laxus rumbled, nodding his head at Gray. Natsu rested his arm on Gray’s thigh, squeezing it gently. He was curious, but he knew better than to push Gray when he didn’t want to talk. 

“Alright Ever, lucky for you I don’t have any more plus fours,” Bix grinned, running his fingers over the braille on the edge of his last card.  

“Thank go- are you fucking kidding me?” Ever glared as Bix dropped the card onto the top of the pile. “You didn't even say Uno!"  

"Nobody called me on it!" He protested. He was right, nobody had been paying attention to anyone else's hands. Ever leaned over and punched him in the shoulder.  

"You are such a _jerk!”_ He chuckled, patting her hand gently.  

“Oh, my dearest Beatrice Gertrude,” he said, grinning. Natsu giggled as her face turned bright pink.  

“Oh my fucking god, my parents are Shakespeare professors, okay?” She groaned, throwing down her cards on the couch in defeat. Natsu was pretty sure she had ended up with almost twenty. “Thankfully my mom gave me a nickname or I’d be stuck being called ‘Bea’ for the rest of my life. What the hell were they thinking?”  

“Beatrice isn’t the _worst_ name,” Natsu argued as they all tossed their cards down and Freed began to organize them back into the box. “I was in a group home once with someone whose name was Lovechild. Like…that was her actual name. Her birth parents were super hippies.” Gray snorted from behind him. “What else…there was this guy named Rage and he was unsurprisingly a huge asshole.” 

“Rage?” Laxus asked in disbelief. “What…the fuck.”  

“It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy,” Natsu agreed, scratching Baby’s head.  

"Alright, I'm not watching Bix win a fourth game," Ever said, standing up and stretching. "I'm gonna make popcorn. Anyone wanna play MarioKart? 

 

* * *

 

 

They left Freed’s place much later than they had expected, but Natsu could tell that Gray had enjoyed himself. MarioKart had eventually ended with Ever just barely beating Gray in a Grand Prix. Before they left, Freed had packed up leftovers and made them promise to come back again next weekend.  

“Snowflake? You okay?” Gray was still standing in the front entrance of the apartment, gaze unfocused, gently clenching and unclenching his fists while he breathed steadily. Natsu took a step toward him but Gray shook his head, so the pink-haired boy stood against the opposite wall and waited. Gray had been silent and tense the whole drive home, so Natsu had been prepared for worse. 

Eventually, Gray relaxed the tension in his arms and exhaled, then reached out for Natsu, pulling him close and wrapping his arms around him. Natsu pressed a kiss into his hair.  

“It’s Jean-Yves.” Gray’s voice was muffled against Natsu’s shoulder, and Natsu frowned at the words, gently tugging Gray back until they were looking at each other. “My middle name,” Gray clarified, keeping his gaze on the ground. “It’s Jean-Yves.”  

 _Oh_. Natsu immediately recognized the name as the uncle who had killed Gray’s mom. No wonder he didn’t want to tell anybody.  

“I’m sor-”  

“No.” Gray covered Natsu’s mouth with his hand, then dropped it slowly, dragging his fingers over his lips. “No more apologies. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” Natsu nodded, grabbing Gray’s wrist and pressing a kiss to the palm of his hand. “Remember…at Christmas? You said you could help me forget?”  

“Mmhmm,” Natsu replied, running his teeth up Gray’s thumb and pressing another kiss there. Gray shivered, stepping closer.  

“I need you to take me,” Gray whispered, grabbing Natsu’s arm and pulling it around his waist. Natsu’s breath hitched and he groaned softly at Gray’s words. “Make it so that all I can think of is you.” His voice dropped into an almost-whisper, lips brushing Natsu’s ear. Natsu shuddered, biting down on Gray’s thumb. “Make it so the only thing I can say is your name.”  

“Fuck, Gray,” he moaned, moving his hand up to the back of Gray’s head and fisting his fingers roughly in the dark hair.  

“Th-that’s the idea,” Gray whimpered, tipping his head back and pressing his hips forward against Natsu’s. “Please.”  

“I’ve…never…” Natsu hesitated, but Gray shook his head, tipping Natsu’s chin up and biting his bottom lip gently.  

“Me neither. It’s okay. I’ll help you.” He kissed Natsu, open-mouthed and soft and full of affection. “I trust you.” He backed up slowly and tugged on Natsu’s hand, and they made their way to the bedroom. Natsu backed Gray up towards the bed. 

“Get this off,” Natsu murmured, grasping the bottom of Gray’s shirt and tugging it off. His own shirt followed, and then he was pushing Gray back on the bed and straddling his thighs. “You okay?”  

“Y-yeah,” Gray said breathlessly, propping himself up on his elbows. “I want you. And…it’s not just because I’m sad or angry.” He let out a soft sigh as Natsu leaned forward and ran his hands up his chest. “That’s part of it, but…I want this. Please.”  

“Okay,” Natsu whispered, chest tightening at the soft tone. He pressed gently on Gray’s chest until he was lying with his head on the pillow. “Let me take care of you.”  

His lips started just below Gray’s ear, caressing the soft skin there and then trailing down his neck to the hollow of his throat. He kept his teeth out of it for now – that was for when they were clashing together, hard and fast and breathless. This was…something else.  

Gray moaned as Natsu’s lips drifted down his chest, stopping at the edge of his scar. Natsu brushed his lips against the raised, white area and Gray shuddered underneath him. This wasn’t the first time Natsu had touched Gray here, but every time he did it, Natsu felt like he had to remind Gray how much he cared for him.  

“You’re brave,” Natsu murmured as he kissed along the border of the scar, then dragged his tongue to the centre. His left hand wrapped around Gray’s ribs, fingers tucked under him, while Natsu’s right hand reached up to grasp Gray’s wrist. “You’re perfect.”  

Natsu made his way lower down Gray’s chest, pressing soft kisses as Gray moaned and arched his back beneath him. When he reached the edge of Gray’s jeans, Natsu moved upward again, then turned his attention to the left side of Gray’s body. He wasn’t sure how long he spent kissing and caressing and whispering soft words, but by the time he reached Gray’s pants the second time, the dark-haired boy was a panting, shaking mess underneath him.  

“Okay?” Natsu asked, fingers resting lightly over the buckle.  

“Yes,” Gray whispered shakily. “Yes, yes, please, yes.”  

Natsu chuckled and undid the buckle, then the button of Gray’s jeans and the zipper, taking his time as Gray whined and arched up toward him. He slid each layer down Gray’s legs, tossing the garments in a pile on the floor, then got rid of his own clothes as well. When he came back to the bed and settled in between Gray’s legs, the dark-haired boy looked down at him with an expression of longing.  

“Fuck, you’re incredible,” Natsu whispered, leaning down and pressing a kiss to the inside of Gray’s hip. Gray gasped and jerked upward, so Natsu grasped his thighs to keep him still and repeated the motion on the other leg.  

“Natsu,” Gray whispered, one hand fisted in the bedsheets, the other grasping the headboard. “I…want...” Natsu continued to press kisses everywhere but where Gray wanted them, then looked up and grinned.  

“ __,” he said, and Gray groaned, eyes widening in surprise.

“ _,”_ he begged, voice breaking. Natsu smiled, then dropped his head back down and took Gray into his mouth, slowly and gently, and reveled in the noises Gray made. They had done this a few times now, but every time he learned more about Gray’s body, about what he liked, what pulled those soft moans and gasps out of him.  

“Natsu, fuck…” Gray’s voice shook and his fingers carded through Natsu’s hair as he shuddered and arched on the bed. After a minute, Natsu felt the grip on his hair tightening. “I want…please, I need…” Natsu hummed, then pulled away gently as a soft whine escaped Gray’s throat. He pressed one more kiss to the inside of Gray’s thigh, then shuffled up to grab what they needed from the side table drawer. Then he leaned down and kissed Gray again, running his tongue over Gray’s lip and drawing it into his mouth.  

“Are you…sure about this?” He asked, gasping as Gray leaned up and bit gently where his neck met his shoulder. Natsu’s whole body was shaking, vibrating with a nervous energy that made everything a thousand times more sensitive. He wasn't sure if he was asking for Gray's sake or his own.  

“Yes,” Gray whispered in his ear. “Yes. I want you. Please.” Natsu nodded and brushed his lips over Gray’s cheek, moving back down and settling between his legs. Gray had done this to him several times now, but the idea of screwing it up or making it not enjoyable was terrifying.  

Gray must have noticed his hesitation, because he pushed himself up on his elbows again and gave Natsu a soft smile. “Do you want me to help you?” Natsu nodded shyly.  

So Gray showed him. Guided his hands, his mouth, his body. Kissed him gently when he fumbled, made soft gasps of pleasure when he didn’t. They took their time, movements slow and languid, and when Natsu was finally inside of Gray, they were both shaking and panting and trembling.  

 _Gods_. Natsu stilled, letting Gray get used to the feeling. Everything was bright sparks, and there was heat everywhere they touched, and Gray was making these soft pleading sounds that made Natsu simultaneously feel like he was going to die and that he had never been more alive.  

“Holy shit, Gray,” he gasped, burying his forehead against Gray’s chest as those long fingers scraped patterns over his back. Then he felt Gray’s thigh nudging him to move, so he did. “You’re amazing,” he murmured.  

“Natsu,” Gray moaned, hands roaming everywhere – Natsu’s hair, his back, his arms, his face. His eyes were shut and his face was tight and he looked right on the edge of falling apart. Natsu's arms shook as he rocked into his boyfriend, again and again and again until they were both trembling and panting. Natsu shifted a bit and Gray’s eyes flew open, locking onto his as his chest rose and fell.  

The moment stretched until it felt like Natsu had lived it a thousand times – Gray’s wide, almost frightened stare, his trembling lower lip, the sheen of sweat across his chest, his hand cupping Natsu’s cheek. And then Gray was throwing his head back, eyes screwed shut and mouth falling open, fingers digging into Natsu’s hips as he whispered his name over, and over, and over.  

Natsu couldn’t hold himself back and he found himself falling, too – leaning over Gray and letting the dark-haired boy’s lips muffle his long, low moan. Everything was sparks and fire and hot release. His entire body felt heavy, suddenly, and he collapsed forward onto his elbows, panting and shaking.  

"Fuck," he whispered, dropping his forehead to Gray's chest. Gray made a weak sound of agreement, arms coming up slowly to wrap around Natsu's shoulders. They lay like that for several minutes until Natsu needed to roll off the bed, grabbing a spare shirt to clean up their mess and handing Gray his pajamas.  

He slipped into his own pants, feeling a deep, satisfied type of exhaustion flooding through his body. Slipping under the covers, he wordlessly nudged Gray over, then curled up behind him, wrapping an arm around the dark-haired boy's waist. Gray sighed softly, melting into the embrace as Natsu kissed the back of his neck.  

"Thank you," Gray murmured, fingers moving down Natsu's arm to entwine with his own. Happy jumped up onto the bed with a satisfied purr, then plunked himself down against Gray's chest, tail wrapped over his nose.  

"Mmmm I think I should be thanking _you_ ," Natsu said sleepily, shifting his arm until it was underneath the pillow. He nudged one of his legs between Gray's and rubbed his thumb absently over Gray's stomach. "You're incredible."  

Gray hummed quietly, tipping his head back to give Natsu a quick kiss. Natsu returned it and then yawned, squirming slightly until he was completely comfortable. The last thing he heard before he drifted off to sleep was Gray, quietly whispering, "I love you, too".  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **French Translations**  
>  Demander gentiment = ask nicely  
> S’il te plait = please


	29. count on me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levy goes into labor! Gajeel asks Gray to help out with Ryos, who is much moodier than usual.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I struggled with this chapter because part of me felt like it didn't fit in with the rest of the narrative, but I have been wanting to include a bit with Ryos for a while so I decided to go for it. I also think it shows some important character development for Gray in terms of maturity!

_If you ever find yourself stuck in the middle of the sea_  
_I'll sail the world to find you_  
_If you ever find yourself lost in the dark and you can't see_  
_I'll be the light to guide you_  
\- Bruno Mars, "Count on Me"

The next two weeks passed in a blur of group, counseling, psychiatrist appointments, babysitting, family dinners, work, and game nights at Freed's. Gray felt like he and Natsu had settled into a comfortable routine, and he was more than happy to admit that waking up next to someone was one hundred times better than sleeping alone. Things weren't perfect – Natsu still struggled with his depression and thoughts of self-harm, but the new medication and visits with his psychiatrist seemed to be helping.  

It was the Saturday before the last week of group, and they were over at Freed's again. Natsu was in the kitchen with Bix, helping him prepare supper, and Freed and Gray were curled up on the couch in the living room drinking tea. Gray's hands were still shaking a bit from reading Lyon's most recent letter, but it hadn't hit as hard as the first one.  

" _?_ " Freed asked, reaching over and resting a hand on Gray's knee. This was the third letter they'd gotten through. After the first one, Lyon's letters had mostly been about happy memories of their childhood, or descriptions of his time in the gang. It was hard to hear about, but easier to accept than his sincere apologies in the first letter.  

" __," he replied, voice shaky. "It's just hard to remember all those things." Freed nodded sympathetically, leaving their hand on his leg. "It's like he was two different people, and I don't really _know_ one of them."  

"I'm sorry," Freed said softly, sipping their tea. "I wish I could help more." Gray sighed, resting his own hand over Freed's. He'd been growing more and more comfortable with touching other people and letting them touch him, but he felt like he was developing a deeper kind of relationship with Freed than with the others. Maybe it was the shared language, but they spent a fair amount of time texting and had even gone out for coffee a few times. Natsu always teased Gray about it, saying how happy he was that Gray was "making new friends".  

"You do help," he said finally, draining the rest of his tea and setting it on the coffee table. "Is everyone coming over tonight?" He asked, changing the subject. Freed nodded, stretching and adjusting the beanie that covered most of their hair today.  

Gray suddenly felt his phone buzz in his pocket and pulled it out, frowning when Gajeel's name popped up on the caller ID. They had been much more friendly with each other over the last while, but getting a call from Gajeel still seemed unusual. He looked at Freed, raising his eyebrows in a  _do you mind_ expression, and they gestured for him to go ahead. 

"Hello?"  

"Hey, Gray...I'm, uh, so can you maybe..." Gajeel's voice was shaky and unclear, and Gray was about to ask what was going on when he heard a woman's voice arguing with him, and then the phone changing hands.  

"Hi Gray, it's Levy." She sounded slightly out of breath.   

"Um. Hi?" Gray frowned at Freed as he waited for an explanation for the call.  

"So, I'm in labor," she began, and Gray nearly smacked himself for his idiocy. 

"Oh...Jesus, I’m an idiot, that's..." He stammered a bit and brought the phone away from his ear, changing it to speaker so Freed could hear.  

"Yeah, it's pretty much the worst," she agreed mildly, then groaned in pain. "Anyway –  _fuck, what the fucking shit hell goddamn shit fuck_ _, drive faster Gajeel!_ " There was a pause while she caught her breath. Gray and Freed both looked at each other, frowning. Levy was generally pretty mild-mannered and rarely swore. 

"Can I...help with something?" Gray asked tentatively, after the string of expletives had passed.  

"Yes!" Levy exhaled sharply. "Gajeel's driving me to the hospital now, of course we have no idea how long –  _moooooootherfucker_ – it'll take. Ryos is at, ah...some kind of theatre thing? At his school? And we were hoping that you might be able to pick him up...and maybe...if he could stay with you tonight?" With each question, her voice became more and more desperate.  

"Of course," Gray said automatically. He hadn't had much of an opportunity to hang out with Ryos as a teenager as opposed to when he was a kid, but he seemed to be smart and sarcastic, which Gray kind of found endearing. "Just text me the address. And...good luck?"  

 

* * *

 

Gray felt like an awkward, dorky dad as he stood in the atrium of Ryos' high school, waiting for drama club to end. A few  _actual_ parents were there and kept giving Gray strange looks, and he started to empathize with Gajeel. Becoming a Ryos’ guardian at nineteen couldn't have been easy.  

"Gray?" Ryos appeared in front of him, hair pulled back in a messy bun, dressed in a pair of skinny jeans and a dark hoodie that said  _I can't, I have rehearsal_ in fluorescent pink script across the chest. A rainbow of hair ties were wrapped around his wrist, and his fingernails were painted sparkly purple. "What...are you doing here?"  

"Levy went into labor," he explained, shoving his hands into his back pockets. All the other teens milling around were making him feel...old. "She asked if you could stay with us tonight while they're at the hospital. Is that okay?"  

Ryos' expression immediately darkened and he looked pointedly at the floor, wrapping his arms across his chest.  

"We were at Freed’s for board games, Natsu's still there and they're gonna save us some leftovers," Gray said awkwardly, trying to make it sound more like hanging out and  _not_ like babysitting. "Is that okay?" Ryos nodded reluctantly.  

"Yes. Thank you," he said begrudgingly, and Gray tried to remember that he was fifteen, and the act of expressing gratitude was in itself impressive. "I need some things from home." 

The drive to Gajeel's place was quiet but not necessarily awkward, and Gray waited outside while Ryos packed an overnight bag. When he finally got back in the car, he crossed his arms and looked ahead stoically, chewing his bottom lip. 

"You wanna grab something from Starbucks?" Gray offered, wondering what was going on with him. Gajeel had mentioned a few times in group recently that he was worried about his brother, but hadn't been able to get Ryos to open up about it. Gray could see where his concern was coming from, although it was unclear if this was average teenage moodiness or something more serious. 

"Oh. Um...yes. Please?" Gray took the next turnoff and pulled into the drive through, laughing when Ryos' order was almost identical to his own. The teen thanked him politely, then continued to sit in silence, not making eye contact with Gray.  

"Are you worried about the baby?" Gray asked finally, after a few minutes of listening to some shitty radio station. Natsu had figured out some way to connect his iPod to the car – which was a miracle because iPods certainly hadn't been invented when this car was made – but Gray couldn't figure out the adaptor.  

"Not really," Ryos admitted, sipping his coffee. "I don't mind kids. Gajeel's been so nervous, I just...I wanna help. I don’t know much about babies though." Gray smiled, changing lanes and taking a different exit. It would still get them to Freed's but would add another twenty minutes to the drive. Maybe he could get Ryos to open up a bit.  

“Neither did I when my niece was born,” Gray admitted, leaning back in his seat and glancing over at Ryos. “I was a couple years older than you, but she was…terrifyingly tiny.” Ryos made a face.  

“Like, what if I drop her?” He said worriedly. His fingers tapped an anxious pattern on his coffee cup. “Or like, fuck up somehow.” He winced at the curse. “Sorry.”  

“I’m not your parent, I don’t care if you swear,” Gray said mildly. “Pretty sure I said a lot worse at your age.” Then  _he_ winced. “Oh my god, pretend I didn’t say that. I hate people who said  _when I was your age_.” Ryos actually laughed, settling a bit more comfortably into his seat. The area that they were driving through was heavily wooded, and the sunset cast dappled shadows through the car.  

“Gajeel always acts like he knows what my life is like,” Ryos said after a minute. “But he’s six years older than me. And he didn’t even  _go_ to high school.” Gray nodded, remembering their afternoons hanging out in the abandoned parking lot by Jellal’s old place. Gajeel would drag Ryos along after school – back then he had been much shyer, hiding behind his long hair and baggy sweaters.  

“Is school…going okay?” Gray asked. He knew he wasn’t being particularly tactful, but this wasn’t an area where he had any experience.  

“School’s fine,” Ryos said, a little too quickly, but his slumped shoulders and furrowed brow said otherwise. Gray waited patiently as the young boy picked at invisible lint on his clothes. “It’s just…I don’t…” Ryos sighed in frustration. “People are dicks.”  

“Yeah, they can be,” Gray said softly. He remembered himself at sixteen – mom was gone, they had just moved to a new town, the kids in his class were assholes and he had ended up dropping out for a while rather than face how he felt. “But not all of them. You’ve got Sting, right?” A look of hurt and confusion flashed across Ryos’ face and Gray frowned. “Is something…wrong?”  

“No,” Ryos said hurriedly. He paused and brought the green cup stopper between his teeth, chewing it anxiously. “Maybe. Yes.” Gray looked over at him, trying to figure out how to help, but before he could say anything, Ryos started speaking again. “Can…if I tell you something, do you promise not to tell anyone?”  

“Ryos…” Gray sighed, pressing his tongue against his teeth and pulling over to the side of the road. This seemed like something he needed to devote his entire attention to. He felt so torn. One the one hand, he wanted Ryos to trust him, but he was also responsible for the boy’s safety. “Yes…unless you’re hurting yourself, or someone is hurting you. Or I think it’s dangerous.” Ryos immediately shook his head.  

“No,” he insisted. “That’s not it.” He shuffled in his seat and grabbed his jacket, clutching it to his stomach. “I’m…school is hard, because I’m not like everybody else.” Ryos’ eyes were firmly trained on his shoes, and he sniffled a bit. “And I haven’t told Sting cause I’m scared he won’t like me anymore and I really like him, and I don’t want him to freak out and leave, but I don’t want to be scared of…” He trailed off, making a frustrated sound.  

“Whatever’s going on sounds confusing,” Gray said slowly, trying to remember how Mira spoke to him when he was struggling to express something in group.  

“Mmm.” Ryos sniffed again, rubbing his face. He finally looked up at Gray and sighed. “I’m trans.” He immediately buried his face in his jacket, cheeks and ears flaming red. Gray was caught off-guard for a second, then breathed a sigh of relief. This was something he was pretty sure he could deal with.  

“I’m…thank you for telling me,” he said gently. “I’m glad you feel like you can trust me.” Ryos nodded but didn’t say anything. “Do you want a hug?”  

“No,” Ryos said softly. “I appreciate it, but please don’t touch me.” Gray nodded, picking up his coffee and sipping it while he contemplated what to say. Vehicles passed them on the highway, shaking the little car as they went by.  

“I hope this goes without saying, but you being trans has zero impact on how we all see you as a person.” Ryos made an unintelligible sound, but didn’t lift his head. “Do you want to talk about it?”  

“I dunno,” Ryos sighed, sitting up a bit and rubbing his face. “I’ve known since I was seven. Dad didn’t really understand and just kept saying I was…his daughter…” Ryos winced. “But Gajeel’s always been surprisingly cool.” His eyes fixed on Gray’s knee. “After dad died, I switched schools and Gajeel went to the principal to talk to them about stuff, like me using the boy’s washroom and changing my name. But none of the other kids know, and Sting doesn’t know, and he’s gay and if he finds out I’m…I mean, I’m n-not a girl, but I have a g-girl’s  _body_ , and what if he h-hates that?”  

Ryos’ chest started shaking, and he wiped furiously at the tears flowing down his face. This was the real issue, then. Gray sighed, wishing he could promise the teen that everything would be okay.  

“You can’t predict what will happen if you tell him,” he said finally. “And if you’re planning on being intimate, it’s not something you’re going to be able to hide.” Ryos’ face turned an even deeper shade of red beneath his tears, and he groaned in embarrassment. “I know, I’m old and gross and shouldn’t be talking about sex,” Gray teased. Ryos huffed. “But is that what made you think about telling him?”  

Ryos frowned, fear and hesitation flickering across his face. He began to chew on his thumbnail.  

“I’m not going to tell Gajeel,” Gray assured him. “You’re almost sixteen, and if he thinks he can stop you from having sex, he’s…well, naïve. If that’s something you want to talk about, it can stay between you and me.” He hoped his words sounded authentic. “As long as you’re being safe and smart and taking care of yourself.” 

“Yeah,” Ryos said eventually. “I want to…do things…with Sting.” He swallowed. “Like not sex  _yet_ but other stuff. But I’m scared he’ll hate my body.” He ran a finger under the hair ties on his wrist, letting them snap back into place. “And I…” He exhaled sharply, staring intently at the floor. “I… _dontevenknowhow_.” His face was flushed, but he kept going. “Like, we had sex ed in school and they talk about…stuff…but like, never how to…y’know…as a trans guy.”  

Gray’s chest twisted. No wonder Ryos had been depressed and withdrawn lately. This was a lot to be carrying around. 

“You’ve got a lot of questions,” he said after a moment. “I wish I could answer all of them, but I’m not really qualified.” Ryos looked both relieved and disappointed at the same time. “From…my experience, sex is best when you trust each other, and talk about what you want and need.” He fiddled with the rim of his coffee cup. “And I don’t think there’s one  _right_ way to have sex. That goes for if you’re cis or trans or anywhere in between.”  

Ryos nodded, the color in his cheeks fading a bit. Gray was actually impressed at how mature he was being. Natsu  _still_ laughed at the word ‘dick’ and he was almost technically an adult.  

“How would you feel about talking to Freed?” Gray asked suddenly, realizing that they would be a much better resource than he could ever be. “You met them at New Year’s, they’re non-binary which isn’t the same but they have more experience with…gender stuff. They volunteer at the Pride Center, so they might be able to help you better than I can.” Ryos nodded hesitantly. “I’m not the most helpful person ever, I’m sorry.”  

“No, its…fine, its good.” Ryos said quietly. “You’re…I trust you. I think I just needed to talk about it.” Gray felt a warmth flicker in his chest at the admission – the same feeling he got when Sylvie told him that she loved him.  

“That means a lot to me,” Gray said honestly, draining the rest of his coffee and shoving the empty cup in the cup holder. “Do you want my phone number? You can text me if you ever need to talk.” Ryos nodded, digging in his pocket for his phone and handing it to Gray. “I’ll put Freed’s in here too, but you can talk to them tonight if you’d like?”  

“I don’t want everyone else to know,” Ryos said uncertainly.  

“Once we turn on the Wii, everyone will be preoccupied with MarioKart,” Gray promised. “But it’s entirely up to you.” He turned the car keys over in his hand. “Ready to go? Natsu’s actually not bad at cooking; once he realized that food doesn’t have to come from a box he’s been kind of crazy about it.” Gray rolled his eyes fondly while Ryos laughed.  

“Yeah, I’m ready.” Ryos sat up again, tugging his hair out of its ponytail, running his fingers through the knots, then tying it up again. Gray started up the car and merged back out onto the highway, then headed down the road towards the ocean.  

“So,” Gray said, turning off the radio. “Tell me about this play.”  

 

* * *

 

“He’s a pretty cool kid.” Natsu leaned against Gray, lazily tossing pieces of popcorn into his mouth. Gray followed his gaze to where Freed and Ryos were standing in the kitchen, far enough away that he couldn’t hear their conversation. Ryos glanced over at him and gave him a shy half-smile before turning back to Freed.  

“Mmm. Makes me feel old,” Gray admitted, feeling Natsu laugh against his chest. They were curled up in the corner of the couch, Gray’s arm wrapped around Natsu’s chest, watching Laxus and Ever deep in conversation over the board game they were going to be playing. Bix was reading the rules and occasionally correcting their conversation. 

When Gray had returned with Ryos, the teen had been shy at first, trying to sit in the farthest corner of the couch away from everyone else. Eventually he had been dragged into a debate between Bix and Natsu over which Star Trek series was the best, and Gray found them half an hour later, Ryos vehemently defending Deep Space Nine.  

“He likes you, though,” Natsu murmured, letting out a deep sigh and relaxing against Gray. “All kids do. I have never seen a kid  _not_ like you.” Gray snorted, shifting his position so that he could run a hand through Natsu’s hair. “You’re so patient.”  

“‘S 'cause I know I can give them back when I’m tired of babysitting,” Gray mumbled, feeling the tug of exhaustion pulling him further into the couch. Work had been busier lately, and between that, group, and actually having a social life for the first time in a long time, he was exhausted.  

Gray's phone buzzed again and he grumbled, shuffling on the couch to tug it out of his pocket. He peered at it, realizing it was a text from Gajeel.  

 _dude im freakin out this is terryfing fuck birth is scary. is ryos ok? thanks again for takin him._  

 _He's fine,_ Gray replied, typing awkwardly with one hand.  _We're at Freed's playing board games. Is Levy okay?_ He could picture Gajeel pacing up and down the hospital hallway, tearing out his hair every time Levy was in pain. His thumb hesitated over the keypad, then started typing again.  _Can we bring you anything?_  

 _nah im good the coffee here is shit but its ok and levy got some pain drugs so its good._ There was a pause, then another message popped up.  _ryos might be pissed about sleeping at your place, hes got stuff goin on so im sorry if hes rude dont take it personaly._  

Grey chewed his lip, only realizing that he'd stopped stroking Natsu's hair when his hand was gently headbutted. He laughed, twining his fingers through the pink strands again and contemplating his reply. He assumed that Gajeel meant that Ryos was worried about having to take off his binder to sleep at their place, but they'd already had that discussion in the car. Was it okay for him to tell Gajeel that Ryos told him?  

"I gotta go talk to Ryos," he said softly, leaning down and kissing Natsu's cheek. Natsu made a soft sound of protest but let Gray wriggle out from under him. He made his way toward the kitchen, leaning across the counter.  

"How's it going?" He gave Freed a half-smile and they returned it brightly.  

"Wonderful! I was just telling Ryos about the summer camp I volunteered at, and he thinks it might be a good fit for him this year." Ryos blushed but didn't disagree. He glanced up at Gray and smiled.  

"Freed says there's workshops and stuff at...the Pride Center, and they...teach the stuff I didn't learn in school." His ears got pinker. "And they have a youth group and stuff."  

"We were just figuring out logistics," Freed added, turning back to Ryos. "I can pick you up and bring you, if you'd like. It's on my way."  

Their conversation faded into the background as Gray was hit by a memory of his mom.  

 _"," six-year-old Gray hiccupped, wiping tears from his eyes. He held a sheet of paper in his hand from school, neon pink with the words '_ _' stamped across the top. It was still difficult to speak to Ur; Gray had spent the last year holed up in his room, refusing to talk to anyone. And now he was starting kindergarten, a year older than everyone else, and his parents were gone and couldn't come to the Family Festival. "Leonard said only mamans and papas are family."_  

 _"Oh,," Ur said softly, crouching down in front of him and wiping at his face with her sleeve. "Leonard is wrong. Family can be anyone who loves you for who you are." She placed a hand on Gray's cheek and smiled at him. "I can't imagine how sad you are about maman and papa. I miss them too. They were my best friends." _  

 _Gray's lip shook and he squeezed his eyes shut, but it only made the tears come harder. He didn't resist when Ur tugged him into a hug, stroking his hair and rocking him gently back and forth._  

 _"I love you, Gray." She placed a kiss in his hair. "Ultear loves you. Lyon does too, he just has a funny way of showing it." Gray sniffed and wiped at his nose again. "Grandmaman and grandpapa love you. Tante Ophélie loves you. Bisou loves you!" She gestured at the black lab that sat on the floor, tail thumping against the hardwood. "These are all your family, sweetheart."_  

 _Gray frowned, trying to process her words. The paper in his hands trembled, and he eventually held it out to her. She smoothed out the creases and read it over, smiling._  

 _"Would you like me to come to this?" She asked gently, and Gray nodded clutching her sleeve._  

 _"Aunty Ur..." His voice was hesitant, and he kept his eyes trained on the ground. He knew Lyon had been adopted by Ur as well, when he was much younger, but he never called her 'Aunty'. Gray had been holding on to maman and papa, but maybe he could let Ur be family too. "Can I...can I call you mom?"_  

Present-day Gray tried to keep himself from tearing up as he thought of his mom's face, the gentle way she spoke to him, the kindness and unconditional love she showed. Looking back to Ryos and Freed, he could see that same acceptance, and it tugged his lips up into a smile. They were all one big, crazy, weird family, weren't they?  

"Gray? You okay?" Ryos was looking at him with concern now, and Gray shook off the memory, focusing on the present.  

"Yeah...yes. Gajeel just texted me, Levy's doing fine but he's freaking out a bit." Ryos snorted.  

"He's a drama queen," the boy replied, and Gray watched Freed suppress a snicker. "I'm glad she's okay though."  

"He made a comment about you not wanting to stay at our place," Gray began carefully, watching Ryos' face. The boy looked puzzled, then his eyes widened.  

"Oh! Oh, um...you can...tell him it's fine?" He shifted a bit in his position on the countertop. "Just tell him I...told you and he'll back off. He's just...protective, that's all." He looked embarrassed but also somewhat proud. "He acts like a dick, but he's...he's not. He's a good brother."  

Gray smiled and sat down on one of the stools, letting Freed and Ryos go back to their conversation about the youth group.  

 _It's okay, he told me about being trans and we've figured it all out._ His thumbs flew over the keyboard and then pressed send.  _He's actually talking to Freed right now about a youth group at the Pride Center. He seems really excited._  

Gajeel didn't reply for a few minutes, and Gray started to wonder if there was some sort of big-brother rage coming his way.  

 _he told you?_  

 _Yeah, when we were driving back from the school._  

 _wow. your the only person hes told besides me. levy doesnt even know._ Gray blinked. He glanced back over at Ryos again and watched him wave his hands animatedly while Freed laughed at whatever he was saying.  

 _I’m glad he felt comfortable enough to tell me,_ Gray replied eventually.  _He’s a good kid._ Then, hoping it wasn’t too weird, he added,  _You’re a good brother. And you’re gonna be a great dad._  

 _I dunno why your so nice to me now but thanks man,_ Gajeel replied.  _I was such a dick but I wanna be a good roll model for ryos and the baby. tell ryos < ill call him tomorrow when the babys here._ 

 _Will do,_ Gray typed.  _Now go take care of your girlfriend._ Gajeel replied with a thumbs up emoji, which made Gray roll his eyes. Every text he got from Natsu was full of those stupid things; he was pretty sure he knew them all off by heart.  

Shoving his phone back in his pocket, he meandered back to the couch, nudging Natsu to sit up so he could slip behind him again. Natsu sighed happily, leaning back against Gray and tipping his head back to gaze at him.  

“Everything okay?” He asked, squeezing Gray’s thigh. Gray hummed an affirmative, then leaned back against the couch, letting the solid weight of Natsu and the background chatter of his friends – his family – lull him to sleep.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **French Translations**  
>  Ça va = you okay?  
> J'irai bien = I'll be fine  
> T'es pas ma maman = you're not my maman  
> Fête familiale = Family Festival  
> mon lapin = my bunny (term of endearment for children)
> 
> Also, with regards to Gray's "sex talk" with Ryos - yes, I believe teens are going to have sex (and that can mean a variety of things, not just penetrative intercourse), and I think it's better that they're educated and know how to be safe and smart. It's important for them to have someone that they're comfortable talking to, especially if their body or experiences don't fit the cis/heteronormative information that they get from sex ed class. I know some people think fifteen is young to be talking about/having sex, but the reality is that it happens, and personally, I'd rather my kids know what to expect than be "protected" from it, do it anyway, and have serious consequences. /end mom rant


	30. on to a new adventure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s the last day of group, and Natsu is feeling anxious. Everything is going to change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here we are - the last chapter. There will be a short epilogue after this. The reason it took me so long to post this was because I really wanted to get it right. This is my favorite fic I’ve ever written, and I’ve poured so much of myself into it. Thank you all so much for reading and commenting and generally being awesome.

The last day of group came faster than Natsu had expected. January was over, and the snow was now melting in the streets, making way for the cherry blossoms that would soon be blooming. They were planning on celebrating tonight with another party at Laxus’ grandfather’s place, but Natsu was still feeling uneasy about their last session together.  
  
Humming to himself, he tried to chase the thoughts away by making pancakes while Gray was swimming. He hadn’t ever cooked much at Don’s, and Don had never made anything that wasn’t from a box, so he had spent the last four years eating ramen and microwave dinners. Gray was slowly teaching him how to cook, but he had never made pancakes before.  
  
Plugging in his iPod and tying an apron over his bare chest, he began to mix the ingredients together, hips swaying as he moved to the fridge to grab the eggs and milk. Following the recipe was reassuring, measuring and pouring and then warming the pan. The rhythm of the music slowly chased away the fears curled up in his chest, and he started to sing along.  
  
_We were victims of the night, the chemical, physical kryptonite_  
_helpless to the bass and the fading light_  
_oh, we were born to get together, born to get together_  
  
A brief mental image of himself, curled up on the floor of Don’s kitchen, broken glass shaking in his hand, flashed through his head. He took a deep breath, inhaling the strong scent of coffee and trying to distract himself like his therapist recommended. This wasn’t Don’s kitchen. This was Gray’s – no, _his_ and Gray’s kitchen. He wasn’t hiding or hurting himself. He was making pancakes for his boyfriend.  
  
_he took my arm, I don't know how it happened_  
_we took the floor and he saaaaaaaaaid_  
  
A pair of cold hands settled on his hips and Natsu yelped as Gray leaned over and kissed his neck. His cheeks flushed with embarrassment, but he refused to let Gray break his rhythm. Instead, he grabbed his boyfriend’s hands, winking at him flirtatiously, and pulled him closer.  
  
_oh, don't you dare look back, just keep your eyes on me_  
_I said you're holding back, he said shut up and dance with me_  
_this person is my destiny, he said mmhmmm_  
_shut up and dance with me_  
  
Natsu tugged Gray's arm in front of him and then spun him outward across the kitchen, catching his fingers at the last minute and twirling him back against his chest. He felt a laugh bubble out of his chest, trying to remember the last time he had danced. Natsu leaned over and flipped a pancake with one hand, then returned to Gray, pulling him back in for a kiss while he guided Gray's hips.  
  
"You need to loosen up a bit," he murmured in Gray's ear, fingers hovering over the waistband of his sweatpants. He rolled his hips suggestively, then grinned and pulled back, returning to the stove.  
  
"You're a tease," Gray replied, moving to stand behind his boyfriend. He pressed a kiss behind Natsu's ear, then rested his head on the shorter boy's shoulder, wrapping his arms around his waist. "You made me pancakes?"  
  
"I _attempted_ to make you pancakes," Natsu corrected, gesturing at the plate. "I make no guarantees as to how they taste. Did you remember to get real cream for the coffee when you went for groceries?" Gray rolled his eyes – he used almond milk, which Natsu insisted was not an acceptable substitute for half-and-half.  
  
"Yes, dear," he grumbled, pressing one last kiss to the back of Natsu's neck and moving over to the fridge, taking out the syrup and the cream. He set everything on the counter and poured them both a mug of coffee, then settled himself onto a kitchen stool and waited for Natsu to finish with the pancakes.  
  
They ate breakfast in comfortable silence, twining their feet together under the stools and nudging each other gently to pass the cream or blueberries. Despite his uncertainty, Natsu's pancakes were amazing, and Gray ate way more than was necessary.  
  
“You ready for today?” Gray gazed at Natsu, head cocked to the side. “Feels weird, doesn’t it?”  
  
“Feels like it’s been a lot longer than two months,” Natsu replied, mouth full of pancakes. “Everyone’s changed so much.” Gray hummed in agreement, sipping at his coffee.  
  
“It’s gonna be weird not to see everyone all the time,” he said eventually, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. “I mean, I know I told you to fuck off on day one, and I punched Gajeel, but it’s…different now. You guys feel like…”  
  
“Family?” Natsu suggested. Gray nodded, running his fingers over the design on his mug. “Yeah. But it’s…I mean, it’s not like we’ll never see them again.”  
  
It was true – they had all been spending time together outside of group. He and Gray had agreed to volunteer at the youth camp that Ryos was attending this summer, and Freed would be there too. Last weekend Natsu had invited Lucy to bring Kaden out to the park with him, Gray and Ultear’s kids, which had ended with everyone exhausted and spending the afternoon napping. Plus, the two of them had spent Friday night over at Gajeel and Levy’s, helping Ryos babysit new baby Kiya while her parents got some much-needed sleep.  
  
“I think it’s just…it feels safe,” Gray said finally, draining the rest of his coffee and standing to clear the counter. Natsu leaned over and wrapped an arm around his waist, kissing him on the jaw. He smiled and rested his head on Natsu’s. “It’s safe and we know everyone, and now everything is going to change.”  
  


* * *

  
The common room at the youth center hummed with an anticipatory energy. Lucy sprawled across the couch, head in Cana’s lap, while Erza lounged on the floor across from Natsu. Gajeel was asleep with his head in his arms, and Laxus and Gray talked animatedly about something in the corner of the room. Natsu sighed happily, stretching his feet out and bumping Erza’s ankle.  
  
“Hello everyone!” Mira bustled into the room, arms full of papers that she dropped on the closest table. She blew a few stray strands of hair out of her face, then put her hands on her hips and surveyed the room. “How’s everyone feeling?” A mumble of half-hearted okays filled the room. “You’re all enthusiastic this morning,” she teased, tying her hair back and leaning against the desk. “Aren’t you all looking forward to being done group?”  
  
“…not really,” Laxus said honestly, leaning back in his chair. He kicked Gajeel under the table, who jumped, startled. “I…kinda got used to it.”  
  
“That’s a common reaction,” Mira reassured them, smiling gently. “Humans take comfort in ritual, in patterns, in sameness. But the only way we can grow is by facing adversity, accepting hardship, and becoming stronger because of it.”  
  
“Haven’t we all had enough hardship?” Gajeel grumbled, tugging a hand through his tangled hair. Dark circles ringed his eyes, and Gray was pretty certain he was wearing the same shirt as yesterday.  
  
“Agreed,” Natsu said, kicking his feet up on a beanbag chair. He grinned at Gray, who rolled his eyes.  
  
“If only it were that easy,” Mira said gently. She shuffled through the stack of papers next to her, then fanned them out and began handing them to everyone. “These are your needs and wants that you all wrote down from the first day of group. I would like to go over them, and then talk about your plans for the future.”  
  
Natsu looked down at the sheet of paper in his hand, then laughed out loud. Mira raised an eyebrow at him.  
  
“Would you like to go first, Natsu?” She asked. He snorted, rubbing a hand over his face.  
  
“No, it’s just…this one wasn’t my real goal, but I still achieved it.” He grinned at Gray. “ _What I really want,_ ” he read from the paper. “ _Is this hot guy’s phone number._ ” Gray groaned in embarrassment, dropping his face into his arms. “ _And maybe a date where I can get him to smile_.”  
  
“I think that should count,” Lucy chimed in, high-fiving Natsu from the couch. Mira gave them both a mildly exasperated look, and Natsu waved his hand apologetically.  
  
“I’ll go first for real,” Gray grumbled, glaring at his boyfriend. “I said that I wanted people to stop asking if I’m okay.” He hesitated, chewing on his lip. “I’m okay with that now. I know that it’s…coming from a good place, y’know?” Everyone nodded. “So…yeah. What I…what I needed then was to let my sister help me, and I have.”  
  
“And what about now?” Mira asked. “What’s your goal leaving group?” Gray contemplated the question for a moment before answering.  
  
“I want to keep letting people into my life,” he said quietly. “I want to go back to school, keep working, maybe travel. Learn how to be okay with myself.” He exhaled, and Natsu was tempted to move over to grab his hand. He stayed where he was though, and Gray looked over to him with a smile on his face.  
  
“Wonderful, Gray. You’ve come so far.” Mira lifted up another piece of paper and handed it to him. “The district will print your actual diploma, so this is just a…a placeholder. To show you all how proud I am of you.” Gray took the certificate, his face carefully neutral as he scanned it. Natsu knew that look – it was Gray’s _I’m-embarrassed-that-I’m-actually-getting-emotional-about-this_ expression.  
  
“I’ll go next,” Lucy offered. “I wanted to go home to Kaden and needed to stand up to my dad. Now I’m in my own place, and my ex and I have figured out custody. My dad and I are talking again, but I’m not letting him control me anymore.” She played with the ring on her pinkie finger. “I’m gonna start courses at the teen parents center soon, and try to figure out what I want to do with my life.”  
  
“I wanted to play music,” Erza said after Lucy had accepted her certificate from Mira. “And ignore my responsibilities. And I needed to set better boundaries. I’ve learned a lot about healthy relationships, and I know I’ll be able to use those skills to make good decisions. I’m trying to find a job now, and I'm gonna keep writing music.”  
  
“I wanted to be away from here,” Laxus laughed, tapping his fingers on the paper. “Wanted to be with my friends. But now…I have friends there and here.” Natsu smiled, thinking of their Saturday evenings spent playing games, watching Laxus slip into a softer version of himself around Freed. “I needed to move in with Gramps and I did. I’m starting school in a couple weeks, gonna be an electrician.”  
  
Cana sighed, staring at her paper with a strange look on her face. Lucy looked up at her and grabbed her hand, rubbing her fingers over the dark-haired girl’s knuckles.  
  
“Back then I wanted a drink,” Cana said quietly. “And I still do. That’s…I haven’t beat that one. Dunno if I will for a long time.”  
  
“Addictions are difficult demons,” Mira said, voice gentle. “Nobody expects you to be one hundred percent overnight. Or even after two months.”  
  
“Yeah,” Cana conceded. “And I have learned better ways of dealing. I haven’t had a drink since before Christmas, which doesn’t seem like a big deal…”  
  
“It _is_ a big deal,” Natsu said, leaning forward. “It’s a big deal, and we’re all really proud of you.” He could feel his scars rubbing underneath his long-sleeved shirt – he knew how important those days were.  
  
“Thank you.” Cana’s face flushed red, but she continued. “I’m registered to go back to school in a few weeks, which is gonna be shitty but I’m gonna do it. I don’t wanna fuck up again.”  
  
There was a heavy silence in the room, and Natsu imagined that everyone was thinking the same thing. Eventually he realized it was just him and Gajeel left to share.  
  
“Guess it’s my turn for real,” he said, grinning. “Although I did get the cute boy’s number _and_ a date, and more than one smile, so I think that should count for something.”  
  
“Oh my god, shut uuuuup,” Gray mumbled, cheeks flushed red. “What are your _real_ goals, you ass?”  
  
“Alright, alright,” Natsu said, glancing down at the paper. “I, uh…” his mood suddenly took a sharp downturn. “I wanted people to trust me.” There was a silence, and Natsu rolled his lip ring between his teeth. “And then I went and did some stupid shit that probably made that pretty hard. But…I’m getting there. I'm starting to trust myself now. I’m counting too,” he said, glancing over and making eye contact with Cana. He gestured at his arm. “Thirty-eight days.”  
  
“That’s wonderful, Natsu,” Mira interjected. She pulled her shawl tighter around her shoulders. “And what’s your goal moving forward?”  
  
“Oh. I’ve…I’ve got lots.” He thought back to his most recent appointment with his psychiatrist where they’d had a very similar discussion. “Keep taking my meds, go to my appointments, ask for help when I need it, _let_ people help me.” He could feel Gray looking at him, but he kept his eyes on the uneven pattern of the carpet. “I’m going back to school like Laxus. And starting a job tomorrow." He felt his throat tighten and he swallowed hard. "I just…I guess my goal is to not get to…that point again. Where I hurt myself. Or worse.”  
  
Gray moved over, sliding down on the floor next to Natsu and putting an arm around his shoulders. Natsu hadn’t realized that he’d been crying until then, and he managed to laugh through his tears. Gray leaned his head against Natsu’s and rubbed his back soothingly.  
  
“Those are wonderful goals, Natsu,” Mira said, smiling and turning to look at Gajeel. Everyone followed her gaze to see him fast asleep again, snoring softly and drooling onto the desk.  
  
“No,” Gray interrupted before Natsu could say anything.  
  
“I wasn’t gon-”  
  
“You were going to suggest we draw a dick on his face because you are twelve years old,” Gray retorted, rolling his eyes. Natsu tried to pout, but it turned into a laugh.  
  
“Why don’t we let him sleep?” Mira suggested as Laxus draped Gajeel’s jacket over his shoulders. She hopped up until she was sitting on the desk and glanced around the room. “You are a phenomenal group of young people who have been given terrible situations to overcome. I know that society doesn’t always understand what you’re going through, and they label you with names and assumptions that you don’t deserve. If no other adult in your life tells you that they’re proud of you, I will.”  
  
Natsu sniffed a few times, scrubbing his face with the back of his hand. He noticed that Lucy was getting emotional as well, and Laxus was starting to look uncomfortably. Gray’s arm tightened around his shoulder, and he let himself relax into the embrace.  
  
“I’ve only known you for eight weeks, but you have all done more self-improvement in that time than most people do in their entire life.” Her eyes moved around the room, lingering on each one of them long enough to give them a meaningful look. “Don’t stop here. Keep improving. Keep being better. I know you can do it, especially if you help each other. The relationships you’ve made her are far more important than any worksheet, art project, or poem that you’ve created.” She gave them all a bright smile, then gestured around the room. “I have nothing else to give you. Go out in the world and be wonderful.”  
  


* * *

  
“Can we go to the beach?” Natsu stared out the window the car, conscious of Gray’s questioning gaze. He was wearing one of Gray’s too-big hoodies, and he pulled the sleeves over his hands. It felt safe, like a cocoon.  
  
“Sure,” Gray said softly, reaching over to grab Natsu’s hand. “I mean, it’s three in the morning and February, but sure.” Natsu didn’t respond, just rested his forehead against the window as Gray turned onto the next road toward the ocean. “Anywhere in particular?”  
  
“The docks,” Natsu said. He felt Gray’s fingers tighten around his, and he knew that Gray was wondering why he wanted to go back to the place where he’d ended up after being drugged by the guy at the club. It wasn’t _that_ memory he was after, but he didn’t feel like he could explain it to Gray until they were there.  
  
Natsu sighed, rolling down his window and letting the cool breeze fill the car. Today had been hard. After group, they had gone home and he had fallen asleep with his head in Gray’s lap, napping until they’d left for the Laxus’ place. The party itself had been bittersweet. They all knew that it wasn’t the last time they would see each other, but something about it had felt final, which led to everyone staying way later than was necessary.  
  
After a few minutes they pulled up to the docks and Gray turned off the car. Natsu sat for a moment, listening to the crash of the surf and feeling it in his chest. He turned to Gray, pulling their hands up to his lips and kissing Gray’s knuckles.  
  
“Come with me,” he said softly, pushing open his door and stepping out into the sand.  
  
They both kicked off their socks and shoes and rolled up their pants, then made their way down to the edge of the water. Natsu shivered as the surf rolled over his feet. He felt like it was dragging him into the ocean, and he stood there for a moment, letting the sensation overwhelm him.  
  
“I died at the hospital, didn’t I?” It wasn’t what he’d meant to ask, but once the words left his mouth it felt right. Gray didn’t reply for a moment.  
  
“They wouldn’t tell me anything,” he said finally, wading out a bit further into the water. “They just kept saying they were trying to stabilize you, but…in the ambulance…you looked…” His voice wavered a bit. “I kept asking, and asking…” He sighed, then finally answered the question. “Yeah, I think so.”  
  
“I had a dream about it,” Natsu said softly, leaning down and running his fingers through the sand. “I was drowning, and something was dragging me down.” He looked up at Gray to see the other boy gazing at him curiously. “Someone pulled me out. It was you…but not you.”  
  
“Me?” Gray looked puzzled.  
  
“Mm. You brought me here, to the beach, and you told me I was dying.” Natsu put a hand on his chest, remembering the icy feeling that had flooded through him. “You had the wrong voice.”  
  
Gray stepped forward and grabbed Natsu’s hand, not flinching as a larger wave broke on the beach and crashed around their ankles, soaking the bottoms of their rolled-up pants.  
  
“You told me I was running out of time,” Natsu said softly, exhaling as Gray leaned into him, pressing a kiss to his jaw. “And…” His voice caught and Gray tipped his head so they were looking at each other. Natsu shivered. He remembered blood, and cold, and not being able to feel. “I said I wasn’t ready.”  
  
“Good,” Gray whispered, tugging him in for a kiss. It was slow and soft, and Natsu let himself feel every inch of Gray pressed against him. After a moment he pulled back and placed his hands on Gray’s hips.  
  
“I need to ask you something stupid,” he whispered, dropping his gaze to the ground. The ocean around his feet had become warm and comfortable, only chilling him when it crashed above his ankles.  
  
“I’m sure it’s not that stu-”  
  
“I need you to teach me how to swim.” Gray was silent for a second, then laughed, pressing his nose into Natsu’s hair.  
  
“That’s not stupid, I can-”  
  
“Now.” Gray blinked.  
  
“Like…right now?” He looked around them. The only light came from an old street lamp that had been turned toward the beach, and nobody was around.  
  
“Yeah.” Natsu chewed on his lip ring nervously. He’d had no idea they would end up here when they’d left Laxus’ place, but now that they were standing in the surf, it felt…important. Necessary.  
  
“Okay.” Natsu blinked as Gray let go of his hands, stepping out of the surf and tugging his sweater over his head. “We’d better put our clothes in the car so they don’t get full of sand.”  
  
“Wait…seriously?” Natsu’s chest warmed as he watched his boyfriend wriggle out of his clothes until he was only wearing his boxers. He’d even ditched his shirt and was now shivering, holding his bundle of clothing in front of his chest.  
  
“Hurry up, I’m gonna freeze to death unless we get in the water soon.”  
  
Several minutes later they were both in their underwear, clothes stashed safely in the car, wading out into the surf. Natsu gasped as a larger wave rolled in, crashing into his knees and splashing up onto his chest.  
  
“Fuck, that’s cold,” he hissed, clutching Gray’s forearms. Gray laughed, tugging him deeper into the waves.  
  
“I’d like to remind you that this was _your_ idea,” Gray said, crouching slightly so that the water came up to his chest. “And also point out that teaching someone to swim in the ocean, in the dark, is probably not the safest way to do this, so please, whatever you do, _do not let go of me_.” Natsu complied eagerly, stumbling into Gray’s chest and clinging to him as the water crashed around them.  
  
“Bleh.” He spit out a mouth full of salt water, making a face at the taste. “You’re right, this was a terrible idea.”  
  
“C’mere.” Gray tugged Natsu closer to him, pulling him until his back was flush with Gray’s chest and his head was on his shoulder. Gray wrapped his arms around the pink-haired boy’s waist, nudging his legs until they were off the ocean floor. He slowly moved out into the deeper water, turning them to face the beach. “Kick your legs.”  
  
“I feel stupid,” Natsu grumbled, but he followed Gray’s instructions, kicking his feet to keep his chest above water. Slowly, Gray began to loosen his grip, until he had one hand on the small of Natsu’s back and the other under his head. The sensation of weightlessness was terrifying and exhilarating.  
  
“There – you’re floating.” Gray’s voice was gentle. Natsu shivered, feeling a tug of panic in his stomach as Gray began to slide his hand away.  
  
“W-ait,” he said quickly, trying to turn. A wave crashed through suddenly, catching him by surprise and hitting him in the face. Natsu’s arms flew out to either side as he slid under the surface of the water, then came up just as quick.  
  
“Hey, you’re okay, you’re okay,” Gray soothed, pulling Natsu toward him and helping him brush the seawater from his face. He sputtered, wrapping his arms around himself and glaring at the water. “Are you alright?”  
  
“F-fine,” Natsu muttered, cuddling closer to Gray’s chest and feeling infinitely more comfortable with Gray’s arms wrapped around him. “J-just scared me.” He shivered, feeling somehow defeated. An ache of disappointment began to spread through him, but it was halted by Gray’s words in his ear.  
  
“I’ll keep you safe.” His lips brushed Natsu’s cheek as he wrapped his arms tighter around the pink-haired boy’s torso. “I won’t let you get hurt. Trust me.” Gray began to place soft kisses down Natsu’s neck, hands moving down to press into his lower back. Natsu made a soft sound, tugging Gray’s hair until they were kissing. The salt water tasted terrible, but Gray’s mouth was soft and warm, and Natsu threaded his fingers into his dark hair.  
  
“You’re not alone anymore,” Gray murmured, nipping at Natsu’s bottom lip. As a wave came up behind them he wrapped his arms around Natsu’s waist, lifting him easily over the swell. “I won’t let you drown.”  
  
“I love you,” Natsu murmured, burying his face in Gray’s chest. He hadn’t said it since the letter-reading incident at Freed’s, but now it rolled off his tongue and he couldn’t stop himself. Then, thinking back to what little he remembered from French classes, he added, “ _je t’aime_.” Gray made a choked sound, wrapping his hand around the back of Natsu’s head and kissing his hair.  
  
“ _Je t’aime aussi, mon coeur_ ,” he whispered. “I love you, too.” They weathered another few waves, shivering against each other under the moon. “Why don’t we get out of here,” Gray suggested after a moment. “I have a towel in the trunk, we can dry off and go home and I’ll make tea. I’ll teach you how to swim in the pool tomorrow.”  
  
“You’re perfect,” Natsu murmured as he let Gray pull him away from the ocean and onto the beach. The sand clung to their feet as they ran back to the car, toweling off quickly and shimmying back into their clothes. Then Gray hopped up on the hood of the car and reached out for Natsu, pulling him up and wrapping an arm around him.  
  
“Are we gonna be okay?” Natsu asked, burying his face in Gray’s chest. He couldn’t shake this feeling that everything was changing, that nothing was ever going to be the same.  
  
“We’re already okay,” Gray replied, running his fingers through the tangles in Natsu’s hair. “It’s not gonna be easier, but we’re…stronger now.” Natsu hummed, relaxing into the embrace. He leaned backward, looking up at the constellations and thinking of his dream.  
  
“I’m glad you found me,” he whispered, twining their fingers together. The sound of the waves and the smell of the ocean and the stars over them made him feel ethereal. Gray propped himself up on one arm and looked down at him, smiling.  
  
“I’m glad we found each other,” he replied. “You ready to go make a life together?” The question sounded both innocent and like a promise, and it flooded Natsu with warmth.  
  
“Yes,” he whispered.  
  
“Good,” Gray said. Then he leaned down and kissed Natsu, soft and sweet, like it was their first time. “Then let’s go home.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for reading! 
> 
> If you like my writing and want more, I’m writing another Fairy Tail fic right now called ‘sin & sorcery’ that is much more cyberpunk but just as fun!


	31. epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cabane à sucre refers to the “sugaring off” festival where the trees are tapped for maple syrup. There’s lots of traditional French dishes served, including tarte au sucre (sugar pie), and the famous ‘tire sur la neige’ which is when you pour maple syrup in (clean) snow and then roll it up on a popsicle stick and eat it. Cabane à sucre is celebrated by Francophone communities across Canada, but is incredibly popular in Québec!

**Three Years Later**  
**Montreal, Quebec**

" __." The dark-haired girl stuck her tongue out but removed her feet from the table and shuffled until her legs were tucked beneath her on the couch. Gray raised an eyebrow at her and she looked contrite. _""_

__

_"_ " Came a voice from upstairs. Gray sighed, crouching down to help Renaud with his sweater. Natsu came down the stairs a moment later, a mostly-dressed Félix sitting on his shoulders. He grinned at Gray, sidestepping a pile of toys and leaning over to kiss his boyfriend.

__

"Ewwww," Sylvie groaned, and Gray leaned over and tousled her head affectionately while maintaining the kiss with Natsu. _""_

__

"Just wait ten years," Natsu replied in his accented French, and Gray melted a little. "You might like it then!" Sylvie crossed her arms over her faded Star Wars shirt, and Natsu leaned over and kissed her on top of her head. " __"

__

After they had successful navigated all three children into their shoes, then outside and into their respective carseats, both men leaned against the rental car, taking a moment of respite. Natsu leaned his head on Gray's shoulder, humming happily when Gray wrapped an arm around him.

__

"What were we thinking?" Gray murmured into Natsu's hair, pulling the shorter man into his arms. Natsu looked up at him and grinned, pressing a soft kiss to his lips.

__

"Ultear and Xavier deserve the break," he said between kisses, slipping his hands under Gray's shirt. Gray yelped in indignation at the chill, but it turned quickly to a soft sigh as Natsu began tracing circles up his back. "Plus, the kids loved __last year."

__

"Mmm, but they're a year older and more monstrous now," Gray replied. “And it’s a lot bigger here in Montreal than back home.” The idea of herding around a six-year-old, a five-year-old and a toddler was exhausting, but Natsu was right – his sister did deserve the break. And she had gotten them that weekend in the mountains next month (which Natsu didn’t know about yet), so he _did_ kinda owe her.

__

"Plus, it’s just for the day," Natsu continued, kissing down Gray's jaw. Gray made a soft sound that deepened the closer Natsu got to his ear. "After supper you’re all mine."

__

"Mnnmmm," Gray replied, lost in the feeling of Natsu's lips on his neck. This was never going to get old. "But we have to get through dinner with _grandmaman_ and _grandpapa_ and Tante Ophélie and her boyfriend first." Even though Natsu’s French had improved tremendously over the last three years, Gray knew he still got overwhelmed on these trips, especially at family dinners.

__

“I’ll just hide in the bathroom if it gets too intense.” Natsu’s breath tickled the hairs on Gray's neck and he shivered. "We'd better get going." Natsu pressed one last kiss to Gray's jaw before snagging the keys from his pocket and slipping into the driver's seat. Gray rolled his eyes, then hesitated for a moment with his hand on the door.

__

“I…have to do something,” he said quietly, giving Natsu a quick smile. “I forgot something upstairs. I’ll be right back.” Natsu nodded to him, already mediating a disagreement between Sylvie and Renaud.

__

Gray ran back into his grandparent’s house and took the stairs back up to the guest bedroom, closing the door behind him. Taking a deep breath, he walked over to the bedside table and lifted up a sheet of paper that had been folded and hurriedly tucked under a bowl of decorative fruit. He unfolded the letter and ran his hands over it, skimming it one last time.

__

_Lyon,_

__

_I think I have some idea how you felt those years ago when you first wrote to me. I don’t know how many times I’ve written and rewritten this over the past few months, trying to get it right. I don’t think I can ever say everything I need to say, but here goes._

__

_I’m writing this from grandmaman and grandpapa’s place – actually, in the old room you and I used to share when we’d come here for summer sleepovers. The wall still has our stupid graffiti carved into it, and grandmaman never threw out those Star Trek blankets we had, so I’ve got one wrapped around my legs. The other is covering Natsu, who is snoring so loud I’m surprised he hasn’t woken up the kids._

__

_He’s one of the reasons I’m writing. We kinda met because of you, and while I don’t subscribe to that whole “everything happens for a reason” bullshit philosophy, I’m glad it all led to him. We’ve been together for three years now – it’s kind of a convoluted story, but the gist of it is that we both had (have) demons and we found each other in the battle. You’d have liked him, I think. He’s impetuous and loyal and stubborn and incredibly kind-hearted. Ultear says he’s good for me and I believe her._

__

_Anyway, we’re here visiting grandmaman and grandpapa, and this year Ultear and Xavier brought the kids for cabane à sucre and somehow roped Natsu and I into taking them. Unfortunately for Ultear, we’re basically going to give them all a bunch of sugar and hand them back after dinner. I have plans for the rest of the night._

__

_Natsu thinks we’re just here for fun, which is true, but what he doesn’t know is that I’ve got a ring in my pocket, and tonight I’m taking him to the beach at Parc Jean-Drapeau to propose to him. I’m terrified, which is stupid because I know he’s going to say yes, but...I feel like nothing will change, and everything will change._

__

_So…that’s something you’ll miss. Me getting married, I mean. We won’t make a big deal out of it – Natsu’s not like that – but you won’t be there. I always thought you’d be my best man. That honor is going to go to my friend Freed (although they’ll be ‘best person’)._

__

_I guess one of the things I’m most angry about is that you’re just not **here**. And you haven’t been, for a long time. You stopped being my brother long before you shot me._

__

_I feel like this letter is all over the place, but I do have a point that I’m trying to make. I was in a therapy group for a while, they talked about forgiveness a lot. I hated you so much that I felt like I could never forgive you. But…if I’m planning on making a life with the man I love, I can’t drag all this anger and resentment around with me forever._

__

_So…I forgive you. And it’s not because you’ve apologized a hundred times – I have read all your letters – or because you’ve acknowledged what you did. Those things are important, but I’m forgiving you because I want to be happy. I’m forgiving you because when I hate you, I’m still holding on to all the bitterness and anger I have for you. And…I need to let that go. I need to let you go. You don’t belong in my life anymore._

__

_Goodbye, Lyon. Please don’t write to me again._

__

_Gray_

__

Gray’s hands shook as he folded the letter carefully, shoving it into an envelope that he’d had Ultear address for him a few months ago. He hesitated, wiping at the tears that had formed in his eyes, before sealing it.

__

Before he could change his mind, Gray raced back down the stairs, out the front door, past the car, and skidded to the stop at the mailbox. He held the letter near the envelope slot for a few seconds, breathing shallowly and feeling panic creep up his chest.

__

Fuck it, he thought, shoving the envelope in the slot and taking a step back from the mailbox. There. It was done. He felt something in his chest lighten a bit, an invisible tether between him and Lyon severed.

__

“Gray! I’ve got three antsy kids who need sugar pies and maple syrup here!” Natsu was leaning out the window of the car, looking fucking gorgeous as usual, with a big grin on his face. “You comin’ or what?”

__

Gray laughed, jogging back across the street and opening the passenger door, then sliding into his seat. He leaned over and kissed Natsu again – to Sylvie’s chagrin – then slid his hand down Natsu’s arms and twined their fingers together.

__

“Uncle Gray, are you okay?” Renaud frowned up at him and Gray leaned back, flashing the kids a wide smile.

__

“Yeah,” he said, tracing the outline of the ring in his pocket. He couldn’t wait until later tonight. “Yeah, I really am.”

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **French Translations**  
>  Sylvie, sors tes pieds de le table, tout de suite = Sylvie, get your feet off the table right now  
> Es-tu prête à partir? = Are you ready to go?  
> Un instant! = Just a second!  
> C'est dégueu! = That's gross!  
> Allons-y = Let's go  
> Cabane à sucre = sugaring off festival
> 
> Well, there you have it. Yes, it’s a bit sappy, but I figured they deserved some happiness after all their pain. Thank you all again so much for reading!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Look Like Death](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15166862) by [friendlyneighborhoodfairy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/friendlyneighborhoodfairy/pseuds/friendlyneighborhoodfairy), [SnowfallBreeze (friendlyneighborhoodfairy)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/friendlyneighborhoodfairy/pseuds/SnowfallBreeze)




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